Conspiracy Theory: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 03:00, 27 December 2016

CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE FORCED MEMES IN REAL LIFE
And they will be reported, discussed, and broadcast by the same mass media outlets over and over again until you believe them.

You look like this, not through any fault of your own, but because some conspiracy is working against you.

It's true! Don't believe the reptilians!

There is a secret cabal whose only design is to keep you from getting laid. There are forces aligning against your attempts to make money. Secret societies are lining up and scheming just so that you will never be successful. Mysterious factions gather under the full moon, attempting to bring the downfall of the world, just so that you will never lose weight, be attractive, or stop smelling like cheese. All of these things, these Conspiracy Theories, are the average internet slob’s excuse as to why he or she has become and remains such a goddamned loser.

All conspiracy theories revolve around two things, fail and money. If you can find any subject which involves some type of fail in which someone made money there is a conspiracy. In basement terms

CONSPIRACY= FAIL AND MONEY;
IF 
(MONEY > MONEY BEFORE FAIL) 
THEN 
(CONSPIRACY= TRUE);
ELSE 
(FAIL <= 0); 
THEN 
(CONSPIRACY=FALSE);
END IF

Lunatic Fringe

“

Lunatic fringe...

I know you're out there

You're in hiding

And you hold your meetings

We can hear you coming

We know what you're after

We're wise to you this time

We won't let you kill the laughter.

„

—Red Rider, As Far As Siam LP, 1981

For most people, life is a series of steady ups and downs that do not shake the bedrock of quality living. These people, well adjusted and sane, are often skeptics of conspiracy theories, and thus will not be discussed within the confines of this article.

A raving minority of people, often called the lunatic fringe and just as often quite vocal, are the main believers of conspiracy and the various hypothesis that often accompany the most outlandish of these theories. Like all minorities, they are annoying and shrill. Because it is a well known fact that news agencies and other media outlets will often pick up on the most outlandish of stories, these groups are quite inventive, obnoxious, and loud.

Typical Conspiratard

	“	I've done the research!	„
	—Typical conspiratard

Your typical conspiracy theorists are basement dwellers who spend too much time on the internet watching conspiracy videos on Youtube, reading Wikilinks, Truthism.com, Infowars, masturbating furiously to recordings of Alex Jones, and usually refer to themselves as being in Anonymous. Theorists think they are far more intelligent than the normal human being. They like to tell people to WAKE UP!, which they think is clever, but is actually quite annoying, and often call anyone who doesn't believe in conspiracy theories as "sheep". This is particularly ironic considering most conspiracy theorists are only going on what other conspiracy theorists tell them is true. The truth is, infact, most theorists are mentally disturbed psychopaths and Aspies with very little sense of reality.

Some theorists don't like to be called theorists, and will often say such pretentious things as "Well it doesn't mean we're conspiracy theorists if we're only asking questions." While this may be true, they are also lazy shits who don't try to find the answers themselves, because if the answers turn out to be against the conspiracy, then that would mean giving into The Man. This means they are also incredibly ignorant. They chose to argue online using ALL CAPS and IRL shout loudly at anyone who either disagrees with them or do not believe their bullshit. They would rather believe insane, complex ideas of government takeover, holograms and aliens to simple truths. Of course the government is shady and corrupt, but if they really wanted to kill us all, they could. And the fact is governments are terrible at keeping secrets. Bill Clinton couldn't even get a blowjob and Obama couldn't even listen to your phone calls without the whole world finding out, and he actually did lie. In this day and age of hacktivism, it would not be that difficult to uncover documents of government cover-ups. The problem is they simply don't exist. Because of their know-it-allism, ability to completely ignore facts, and yet complete lack of ever doing anything remotely productive with

Watch these fucking idiots in action. [1]

Obsessive/Compulsive

Conspiracy theorists are often categorized as people who have obsessive/compulsive disorder. Individuals will have an eccentric set of actions that preclude their comfort level and ability to be effective depending on the situation. Some examples of these eccentric behaviors include:

collecting large numbers of firearms
distracted attention
constant mumbling
talking and answering oneself
continual mumbling
you need to shut up
preoccupation with a fetish
don’t speak to me like that
fixation on events or sets of events

While obsessive/compulsive disorder is far and away the largest noticeable symptom within the conspiracy theorist community, it is by no means the least dangerous or distracting. Paranoia is probably the largest single factor in determining whether an individual is your average, run-of-the-mill tabloid reading fatty or if they are a real, dyed-in-the-wool psycho who has a fallout shelter in their back yard which they lovingly call either “the compound” or “the situation room.”

Paranoia

An individual has to really be fucked in the head to actually believe that a “shadow government” stands behind the scenes, pulling the puppet strings, and defining how life on earth is maintained. None-the-less, there is a large population, often referred to as “Illuminati theorists” who believe that the folks of Skull and Bones, the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, the Sacred Chao, and the Jews all seem to run everything. When you consider how these people think, it is perfectly acceptable to believe that everything ties into a centralized government that is designed to control you and allow you no freedoms other than the ones they prescribe. When you consider a more sane line of thinking, you pretty much know that you are in your position in life because of choices and mistakes you have made. Seriously, the world needs ditch diggers…and you couldn’t get past organic chemistry in college. Hear that buzzer? Quick, it’s time to drop fries!

Famous Conspiracy Theories

<video type="youtube" id="l9BEFfErJpU" width="200" height="200" desc="Princess Diana, killed by the French???" frame="true" position="right"/> Since the mid 1990’s, there has been a major growth in the tabloid culture of conspiracy theorists, their ideas, and the mass production of all forms of media that report this kind of garbage. Some of the more famous internet theories:

Protocols of the Elders of Zion

Conspiracy theory goes mainstream. An anonymous Russian synthesized everything available about Jews, Freemasons, communists, and the Antichrist and wrote the classic of the genre. Instead of a dragon, the Antichrist is a Jewish salesman who will cause as many disasters as possible before rescuing the world. This means that anything bad that happens to anyone, anywhere, is caused by the Jews. All rule-the-world conspiracy theories, from aliens to the mortgage crisis are ripoffs of this.

9/11 Was an Inside Job

Some conspiracy theorists believe that George Bush was the real mastermind behind 9/11 and that he did it to justify the invasion of Iraq. All of these same people believe George Bush to be an idiot incapable of wiping his own ass, so how they think George Bush is still smart enough to organize the most destructive single act of terrorism in the history of the world and get away with it, who the fuck knows - or maybe that's what he wants you to think.

Jews did 9/11

A natural evolution from the lolracism that is prevalent on such popular websites as 4chan and other notable web message boards. Once the neo-Nazis and white supremacists got a hold of this theory, it really began to become mainstream. On a related note, it is common knowledge that airplane fuel does not burn hot enough to melt steel, however it does burn hot enough to heat steel to the point where it will bend. So shut the fuck up Rosie O’Donnel.

This conspiracy theory is rare in that it's actually been proven true.

The World will end in 2012

Its so obvious! So a group of savages who wipe their asses with their hands, thought it was necessary to sacrifice thousands of people a year to prevent some god from destroying their harvest and were constantly stoned on Jimson weed can make a calendar that repeats. It just happens to be the 13th time the thing has repeated itself, so let's all panic like fucking retarded 2nd graders! Really though, it just goes back to day one when it ends like a regular calendar. Fucking dumb asses will believe anything. Later, it actually became one of the conspiracy theories that were truly proven false.

Fiction is True

The belief that mass media such as “Minority Report”, “1984”, "Brave New World", "Conspiracy Theory", “Fahrenheit 451”, ”V for Vendetta”, ”The DaVinci Code”, ”The X-Files”, ”Tabloid Elvis sightings”, and the "Terminator" series are all true. Further discussion, often heated and full of rage, will only make these fiction stories more true. The main proponents of these theories are keyboard jockey nerds who have no life and spend way too much time arguing that perhaps Dan Brown was on to something...

Charles Manson working for clients?

Conventional Jew regard the Manson murders as a Satanic ritual killing, the work of a madmen. Fact is, Manson is not your ordinary madman. He is confirmed Illuminati. While Manson may have duped his brainwashed cult followers into doing the killings for Whitey vs Blackey, it is also noticeable that the people targeted were not just random folk. Sharon Tate's husband Jew may have wanted her dead. She may have known too much. But skeptics argue that Polanski is too nice, and that there is a fine line between drugging and anally raping a kid and getting your own wife killed. The LaBiancas were running a successful supermarket chain, making a lot of powerful people angry. Maybe Manson offered his "services" to such clients in exchange for monetary compensation.

UFO Cover up at Roswell

This belief, which has only gotten stronger over the decades, is ludicrous due to the fact that nobody--and I mean NOBODY--would go to Roswell.

The JFK Assassination

The belief that Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy or acted as part of a team. Evidence of another gunman, on the grassy knoll only points out that pretty much everybody hated Kennedy. You don’t live very long if you piss off the Mafia, the CIA, and the military industrial complex. The question shouldn’t be “Who really killed JFK?” but rather “How the hell did he live as long as he did?”

Sandy Hook Cover-up

The belief that the government was behind the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre. Some theorists believe it never happened, and that the government staged it so they can get our guns!!! There are several theories, including that the grieving parents of the 20 dead children are actually "crisis actors," which would mean the entire town would have to be in on it, meaning well over 1,000 people. Most of the believers in this theory are crazy gun owners who think Obama will git thurr guns or people who are also behind the 9/11 theories, so you know they're valid. Most sane people don't believe this shit anymore.

Global Warming

Please, are you going to listen to anything a hippy commie faggot tells you? Quick! Turn around, I think I just saw Elvis getting a drink at that Slushie Machine!!! wait...nope, after all, he was abducted by aliens... amiright?

Global Warming Denialism

Yep, just about every working scientist in climatology is lying and probably working for joos, except for a small cohort of kooks courageously employed by the oil industry.

The Death of Princess Diana

25% of Brits polled recently believe that Di was killed because of a plot. There are several theories surrounding why this plot came to be, most notably the fact that Di planned to marry Dodi Fayed and was going to convert to Islam. Is it really a plot when everybody knows it is true and can see the truth from a mile away?

The Moon Landing

You can examine the photos all you want and find whatever you want in them. This still doesn’t change the fact that if you aim a laser at the mirror the Apollo astronauts left on the surface of the moon, the laser beam will bounce back at you. Since the invention and wide-spread use of Photoshop, this conspiracy theory has stepped from the merely ridiculous into the insanely absurd, with insanely absurd people keeping it alive. Never knowingly undersold, David Icke has gone one better and decided that the moon itself is fake.

Pearl Harbor

This is not a conspiracy theory, even though a large segment of the population still considers it one. FDR was a backstabbing commie who allowed American blood to be shed just so his New Deal didn’t fall apart.

Project Rainbow

No, it has nothing to do with the gay conspiracy. It's the belief that, for a few brief seconds, a multi-billion dollar naval destroyer completely disappeared during the early days of World War II. When this theory is weighed against contemporary governmental mismanagement, it is not such a stretch to believe that many billions of dollars can simply vanish. In reality, this project was nothing more than an international PR campaign designed to scare the shit out of the Japanese.

The Various Microsoft Wingdings Font Messages

Is it really a plot when the world’s largest man can do whatever he wants? People need to get a life.

The Fatima Prophecy

Let me get this straight, three kids were in Portugal and they saw things in the sky. They saw the sun “dance” and they saw several apparitions floating about them. Let’s add up the facts…the kids were teenagers. The kids were bored (there is nothing to do in all of Portugal). They “saw” things. It sounds to me like the kids got into a bad bottle of vinho, and proceeded to STARE DIRECTLY AT THE SUN for awhile. Maybe the whole 'miracle' thing was what they told the doctors to explain why they were suddenly blind.

Iapetus

In May of 2009, the Cassini space craft returned pictures of Saturn’s moon Iapetus. In some pictures, the moon bears a striking resemblance to the Death Star of Star Wars fame. The real conspiracy here is that Star Wars nerds are allowed to work for NASA.

(Wait, wasn't it Mimas that was compared to the Death Star for the past half of a century?)

16th Amendment

Since the 16th Amendment was never properly ratified, income taxes are illegal, and you don't have to pay them! Simply let the IRS know that you know all about their scam. They will simply ignore your income in return for your silence, since the whole economy would collapse if you told anyone else about it. Make sure to point out the part in the constitution that allows average hardworking Americans to decide the constitutionality of Amendments. PROTIP: it's somewhere in the back.

Hitler's Head

Evil Nazi scientists, worried about the future of Nazi Germany, severed Adolf's head and placed the brain within a jar. For further information, please watch Futurama.

New World Order

Conspiracy Theorists often decry that the end is near while at the same time stating that a New World Order is emerging. Some might say that the end of the world is near, but the Mayans were a bunch of beaners like me and were not very good at science. So when I see Chris Brown , Kanye West, Young Jeezy, T.I., Fat Joe, Gay-Z and other stupid niggers doing tons of different Illuminati hand signs and subliminal faggotry, I ask my self how the New World order has evolved from european fagmunchers to common day street niggahs. I guess it is a plan to get everybody separated between Alex Jones's niggahs, Ron Paul's niggahs, and street niggahs. Though we should all not dealve into the gay lore that surrounds the New world Order and its evolution, and live on with our lives. Because, in the end, i'm not scared of pussy ass Kanye, I'll just stick with Tupac.

Rex 84

Some aspie basement dweller was once dicking around on Google Maps and searched up FEMA and saw what he (and others) strongly believed to be government concentration camps. Not knowing that concentraion camps are not only what were used for home cooking, and also not knowing what a relief camp is, he told people they were going to be used so the government could kill lots of the population. Then this plan was named Rex 84.

Tycho Brahe was Murdered

Who cares? The guy had a false nose made out of gold. He was probably mugged. A more preferable, as well as funnier story than this was the tale about how he died from holding his piss so long he couldn't do it anymore.

Stairway to Heaven

If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards it says demonic stuff – This is a great one, fueled by the religious nut jobs during the 1980’s. Considering the fact that Jimmy Page WAS a Satanist, do you really think he had to hide his messages backwards?

The Dollar Bill

Since the 1940’s the dollar bill has been under scrutiny because of the various Masonic symbols that have been placed upon it. Never mind the fact that the whole country was founded by Masons, large portions of European monies donated to the founding fathers during the Revolution were from Masons, or the fact that just about every president has been a Mason…

I seriously hope this is just a bunch of Catholics who are still mad about the whole Knights Templar thing.

AIDS

The AIDS virus was manufactured by the United States government. In reality, some chimp fucking furry, who fucked a tainted gorilla in the ass invented this theory to cover up for his nasty habits.

Crack Cocaine

There is the belief that crack cocaine was invented by the United States government to “keep the urban black man down”. Given the fact that pre-crack era urban communities were shitholes, this theory doesn’t really hold much water.

Jews did rap/hip-hop

Moar info: Rap.

Moar info: Eminem.

Moar info: Tupac.

Not a theory, but a scientific fact.

Religious Cult

Sometimes, conspirators take it all to a new level. "It's not the man that's keeping me down, it's the many thetans that are controlling my actions!" One religious cult in particular have become very prolific, containing many of our beloved Hollywood stars. Another one is infamous for believing alien's were coming to take us to the next dimension, and that they were arriving at Earth by means of the back of an asteroid. To make a long story short, they all drank the kool-aid. It's much harder to over come these groups as their arguments are only as unprovable as they are provable.

Jay-Z

The crack detectives of the internets have found the Head of The Illuminati. Of course, it makes perfect sense that the group bent on world domination (since the dawn of time) would rest their entire plan on a rapper. Their incontrovertible evidence of his involvement with the "Illuminate" lies here, there, and everywhere. Now let me get that dirt off your shoulder.

	“	Jay-Z is affiliated with the "Illuminati". Which is a secret society aimed at the music industry. There is and organization that directs towards certain sectors in life. He is part of the hip-hop organization. This is all part of the NWO. Which is a process that's taken decades and is still in affect. Something that has taken this long to produce would take even longer to explain. The worse part about it is the disbelief that people harbor.	„
	—Devilz, breaking it down

	“	Jay Z is definitely a part of the Illuminati. Think about it. How could a black man who didnt graduate high school get this far in white Hollywood. Let's be real. The only way is to sell out. Look at Oprah.(she part of it too by the way.) She doesnt even let rappers on her show. But guess who got a guest appearance on her show a few years back...Jay Z.	„
	—omegablack, proving it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

	“	I can't belive that jay-z talking about iluminati/d'Evils,i mean i'm chirstians how he can led people like that.I luv jay-z but i make me start looking him diffant now and really start listen to his lyrics and start thinking about what he about......	„
	—danielle,'start thinking' being the operative phrase.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Flat Earth

Moar info: Flat Earth Society.

The final boss of conspiracy theories. The Flat Earth Society is dedicated to fighting the wicked conspiracy by NASA to convince us that the earth is round and profit as a result. There are rumors that the Flat Earth Society is a figure of speech, that there are no literate human beings who are this fucking retarded. Wrong, they are not only real but they have a forum, one that you are required by internet law to troll.

Yo Freemasons, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish,
but the Zoroastrians were the best secret society of all time!

If it were really a secret, would it be on YouTube?

Previous Video | Next Video

Chemtrails

The government is putting toxic chemicals in our atmosphere. The next time it snows, hold it under a lighter and watch. If it melts and doesn't turn black, it's real snow. But if it shrivels like styrofoam and evaporates, then turns black, it's fake chemtrail snow. See this page [2]

Pizzagate

In Pizzagate, e-detective have determined based on Wikileaks that a global child sex trafficking ring operates out of pizza places like Fuck-E-Cheese. Oh, and registered sex offender Jeffrey Epstein paid Lolita Express-frequent-flier Bill Clinton $3.5 million out of a secret Swiss bank account for some reason.

Conclusions

When attempting to explain oddities, it is often entertaining or beneficial to manufacture fictions, and it is generally done to appease a child's curiosity in the most expedient manner possible. Since society is largely full of grown up children who laughingly call themselves adults, Conspiracy Theories are quite popular. So popular, in fact, that actual studies have been performed regarding these whackjob ideas. Sadly, the results from this study only fuel the fire.

Realistic Conspiracy Theories

As far-fetched and unrealistic as most conspiracy theories are, it would probably be a good idea to give some examples of more realistic theories that can actually be applied to modern life. The following list, by no means total or complete, is a jumping off point for Encyclopedia Dramatica users to apply to their own lives. While they will not seem outlandish, fringe, or zany, they will seem outrageous to the average Conspiracy Theorist:

Education is the best way to obtain wealth. While communing with your dead grandmother's ghost in an attempt to predict tomorrow's lottery numbers may seem like a perfectly rational idea, going to college and graduating has a much higher success rate. Also, discovering the government's secret ESP laboratories hidden beneath the Pyramids of Giza is a good way to get yourself shot.

UFOs are the products of good peyote. Despite what you have heard, there is an awfully large amount of hallucinogenic chemicals just growing freely out in the desert. Is it any wonder most UFO sightings occur there?

The Earth is not hollow and angels do not live there. The only thing important going on under the Earth's crust is oil, gold, and other precious commodities. Go and get some.

Jim Morrison is dead and his "California Beach Diet" does not work. If you want to lose weight, stop cramming your mouth full of french fries, stop guzzling Faygo grape soda like it is going out of style, and go outside and cut the fucking lawn.

Black males do not have huge cocks...yours is fine...really it is...snicker...it's not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean...really! That may be true, but it's pretty hard to reach England in a row boat.

Fluoride in our drinking water does not allow the government to control our brains, but it does help keep your teeth strong. Substituting a few glasses of tap water per day for the sugary poisons you drink now will probably do your health some good as well. Some research indicates that substituting fluoridated toothpaste for fluoridated water will maintain teeth strength just as effectively.

Video

Why does YouTube keep censoring this video?
Who are they working for? What are they trying to hide?

EAGLES?!?!??!!!!1111

Often full of cryptic bullshit and music taken from The Matrix,
conspiracy theorists like to dazzle.

I have five words for you: helium balloon and road flare.

If you have a phone, can dial Art Bell, and can overact,
you can instantly become your own conspiracy theory.

If Elvis is still alive, why the hell is he hanging out in Ohio???

Our Reptilian overlords are dispersing viruses and mind control
chemicals via jet contrails.

Spike Lee and Bill Maher are fucking idiots.

'

Death Star Was An Inside Job