Gundam Wing

“	The Japanese are strange: Robots fighting, with men inside............... Armoured core - Weird game, this - even more weird	„
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Mobile Suit Gundam: What every other Gundam series has been based on

Zaku Girl. You'd Hit That!

Gundam: A show that focuses on giant robots blowing the mortal shit out of each other! Along with DBZ, most anime fans have been at some time hooked on Gundam Wing- Especially if they claim to be a “Gundam Fan”. Every Gundam series looks good on paper, or the DVD case, but when you actually sit down and start watching it you realize it's just a series focusing on teens with raging hormones, stupid arguments and lacking the constitution, nay, the lust, to use their mobile suits properly.

What is the proper use of a mobile suit, you ask? Why, random destruction and mayhem of course! Why else arm the fuckers with cannons that can wipe out continents and commit genocide at will?? It's a goddamn shame that emo soldiers are piloting every single one. Every single one, goddammit. Doesn't that remind anyone of something else?

Gundam fanboys, believe or not, are even stupider than Trekkies and Star Wars fans. They can be found on 4chan’s /m/ board constantly arguing over the minutiae of the same Gundam series over and over again. Gundam fanboys have a complete hivemind and do not respond well to anything different.

Mobile Suit Gundam

However, much like every great anime, every series needs to be "modernized" or "re-edited" to become "hip" with today's kids: such is the case with Gundam Wing and most recently Gundam Seed. Gundam Wing/Seed are essentially the abridged (bastardized versions) its predecessors.

Gundam has been shit since day one. It tells the story of some whiny emo kid named Amuro who flies around in an ugly ass spaceship. He is chased around the galaxy by a raging homo pedophile named Char Aznable. Despite Char’s supposed rank and skills, Amuro constantly gets away because Char is pretty incompetent and loses allies and mobile suits by the truckload, yet is always called back by the Zabis.

Eventually, Amuro meets a Paki hooker named Lalah Sune who turns out to be Char Aznable’s fag hag mother. Lalah is soon sent to the Shadow Realm after losing a duel during the Duelist Kingdom Tournament, leaving Char and Amuro butthurt because they don’t have enough star chips to challenge Pegasus.

Bright's Discipline

One of the few saving graces about Mobile Suit Gundam is that some pimp named Bright Noa's backhand outranks everyone anywhere ever. Very much like the great men of old, Bright's palm knows no prejudice. He's known for slapping the taste out of pacifists' mouths. Every animu should feature Bright and his heavy palm to slap the shit out of annoying characters and remind them that violence cures anything- especially faggotry.

“	You can't be a real man without taking a few lumps.	„
—Bright, Teaching all of you how to mature

Is Bright Gunna Have to Slap A Bitch?! Bright rocks young Amuro Ray with his palm after Amuro gives Bright some sass. Pardon the Moonspeak. Also! Please take note of the typical pacifism-faggotry displayed in all Gundam series, not to mention Bright's impressive wind-up. He throws his shoulder into it! THAT'S how you slap someone! Zeta Gundam Despite being a registered sex offender, Quattro Vagina, Char's alter ego, lands a job with a traveling band called AEUG, where he picks up a young girl named Kamille. Quattro does nothing but eat the AEUG out of house and home, spending his welfare cheque and food stamps on porn and butt plugs. After Amuro forces him get off his lazy ass and get a job, Char realizes the AEUG won’t be getting a record deal and spends five years in Bangkok’s Red Light district, smoking cocks, “discovering himself.” Kamille tries to raise money for a sex change by gobbling cocks aboard the Argama. He fails and goes full retard when Paptimus Scirocco blows his wad in Kamille’s eye. Kamille Still Denies His Faggotry ZZ Gundam After the epic fail that was Zeta Gundam, the Argama lands at some shitty colony where they pick up Jewdough, the most ALPHA AS FUCK Gundam hero ever. I mean, this guy gets bitches left and right! After Haman Karn’s Hitachi Magic Wand breaks down, she becomes a shotacon and craves Jewdough’s meaty cock. Later on Glemy starts a civil war with his loli army, leading to mutual destruction with Neo Zeon. Jewdough becomes a galactic superpimp, fucking bitches all over the galaxy. Char's Midlife Crisis Would the Real Char Please Stand Up! File:CCAraeptime.jpg Like many Gundam titles, Char's Counterattack is pretty fucking gay. Instead of buying a convertible and acquiring a loli girlfriend like most washed-up, middle-aged losers do, Char decides to crash an asteroid on Earth during a temper tantrum because he wants to fuck his mom. He gets his ass spanked raw by his stepdad, and then a magic T shuttles them off to Legoland where they have lots of gay sex and buttbabies. The end. GANDAMUU WINGUUU!!! Not only were the creators of Gundam Wing lazy enough to steal Mobile Suit Gundam's story, but instead of using regular names like Goku, Shinji or Cloud, 60% of the Gundam BOIS' names are numbers. This is absolutely nothing like Dragon Ball Z and its tendency to name characters after foods. Duo = two in Mexican, Trowa = three in English, and finally, Quatre = four in French. In fact, the other two Gundam pilots have number names too - Heero is derived from the Japanese number "one", and Wu Fei's name has the symbol for the number five in it, so not even THEIR names are very original. The show recycles two frames per second shots of toy robots swinging weapons with obviously recycled sound bits that fit no particular situation, yet they are masked by the unimportant context for which said action is warranted. The plot revolves around the 5 Gundams and their pilots, which were chosen by a rogue organization to fight the evil military state, OZ, and...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH TL;DR. TL;DW Episode Synopsis So you have a healthy social life and can't find time to watch GANDAMMUUUUU WINGUUUU. Well that's okay! Fortunately for you, you have this video here to sum up the entire series: Characters GANDAMUUU WINGUUU is populated by a colorful cast of interesting characters. An Heero Yuy From left to right: An Heero with Wang Gundam, Duo with Hellnegro Gundam, Not Trowa with BigArm Johnson Gundam, Quatre with Sandcock Gundam, Wufei with the all-original Dragon Gundam. This character is a crazy, suicidal emo who fails to kill himself no less than three times. Despite the fact that he is a short, skinny, little punk who wears tank-tops, he is actually the most bad-ass main character of all the Gundam series. He is either in love with, or hates, Relena Peacecraft. She's a rich whore whom he repeatedly threatens to murder; but never actually does because he realizes that he just won't feel the same when he's secretly fapping to her photo. Heero's most famous line is "I'll kill you" said in total monotone because he doesn't have a personality. His Gundam turns into Starscream, and has a ridiculously hax beam rifle. After self-destructing his first Gundam in a fit of emo rage, he gets a new one with a double-barreled beam rifle that can split into two rifles and fire separately. It seems that the creators of Gundam Wing had an extreme lazer fetish. Duo Maxwell The only actually interesting character, Duo is like what a /b/tard in a mech would be like. He calls himself the God of Death, wears a priest outfit, fucks shit up at random for no reason, makes stupid jokes, and has never had a haircut. He's gay for Heero if the fangirls can be believed. He's also retarded. His Gundam is a giant black person with a beam-bladed scythe. The English voice actor for Duo has a New Jersey accent and adds to his persona of being a raging, loud-mouthed douchebag. Not Trowa Barton An emo with foot long bangs that cover one eye so he can fight without the handicap of depth perception. Like most Japanese RPG characters, his motto is "...". He doesn't even know what his real name is. Trowa's famous line is: "I have no name. If you must call me something, call me no name." Everyone says he's an amazing pilot, even though all he ever does is plant himself in one spot and spam his machine gun until he runs out of bullets. His Gundam is bright red and orange for camouflage, and gradually adds more and more ridiculously huge gatling guns as the series progresses. He is the only one able to control his Gundam's gatling arms because years of furious, ambidextrous fapping have given his arms amazing strength. Despite this, he is an incompetent pilot that relies primarily on ammunition-based weapons rather than superior beam weaponry. Also, he's a circus clown. No shit. Quatre Raberba Winner A pacifist emo fag who pilots a giant death machine. His motto is "we shouldn't be fighting at all!" (See Amuro Ray, above) Quatre is a blond haired, blue-eyed Arab with 29 older sisters, all of whom are more manly than him. Like all members of the religion of peace, he wants us to believe that he's a pacifist but, will pretty much, end up killing everyone around him by smashing his Gundam into office buildings just because he can. He becomes cool when he goes crazy and tries to kill everyone, but sadly comes to his senses when Heero fucks up his shit in the Mercurius. He also has 40 sweaty men who look like actual Arabs, call him Master Quatre, and do whatever he says. The 40 muscular brown men serve the one femmy little white boy. All is well in the world. His Gundam is designed with heavy armor since he's too retarded to get the fuck out of the way. His Gundam's weapons, unlike everyone else's lightsaber/ huge gun weapons of death, are two regular swords that somehow explode when he throws them. Often ends up carrying his fellow pilots' hellspawn through m-preg fanfiction. Chang Wufei Zechs and what is clearly, a poor attempt to mimic resident commanding pedo, Char Aznable This character is the most ridiculous of them all. Boasting to be the most powerful with the motto “You WEAKLINGS!” he is also is super stereotypically Asian. His real name is, in fact, Charlie Chang. His Gundam's arms are terrifying dragons that bite and breathe fire. During his mission to kill Treize Khushrenada he sees that Treize greets him with a sword in his hand and wants to duel him. After losing to Treize he becomes emo and calls himself weak for the rest of the series until he meets with his sensei in outer space. Zechs "Sex" Merquise/Milliard Fillmore He wears a bucket on his head so he won't have to look himself in the mirror. He is the ace pilot for OZ (the bad guys). He has long blonde hair, and he actually fixes Heero's Gundam for him, just so he can blow it up again. Later, he reveals that his true identity is 13th President of the United States Millard Fillmore, Relena's brother, and proceeds to stalk her for a while, then decides to drop a huge battle ship on the earth. He doesn't pilot a Gundam, but instead goes through several high performance stupid giant robots. Zechs ultimately trades the Tall Goose in for the E-peyon, a red thing that looks like a devil and doesn't even have any guns, just a dominatrix whip. Treize "Cash-Grenade" Khushrenada He is the leader of OZ (A.K.A.:Organization of the Zodiac), (A.K.A.:the bad guys). He is a total faggot who likes to wear petticoats, while sipping wine and fencing with his man-servants in his private European estate. He is a descendant of some nazi and acts like a complete pompous ass. Despite his faggotry, he was able to beat Wufei in a sword fight, causing the azn much butthurt. Rating The Gundam Boys are all man. Action: Between 1 and 2. Nothing is more exciting than watching Heero wipe everything out in one shot. Lulz: 1, LOL Tall Goose! Gayness: quite gay, yet still not as gay Naruto. Mecha: -5 There never really is any substantial robot-rape anywhere in the series and this works to Wing's detriment. The movie version wasn't much of an improvement either. The only difference was that they gave the characters fairy versions of their Gay-Bots See Also Animu Code Geass Sailor Moon Zoids Gundam Wing is part of a series on Anime Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.