Los Angeles

"Come for the weather! Stay because you fail at life!"

As depicted on postcards

LA as it really is

Most Angelinos think that Los Angeles is the only city in California

Drama epicenter and generally fun place to visit if you are looking for a homosexual partner. Earthquakes have been known to happen every five minutes. Jesuitx, Hathor the Cow Goddess and estruscan live there. The people here have a massive inferiority complex against New York City.

About LA

Los Angeles is home to Hollywood, the place the rest of the country depends on for shitty entertainment (Besides New York, which produces the second largest amount of shitty entertainment). Republicans hate places like attention whore L.A., since it's the only other group of douchebags the opinionless and impressionable drones of American society listen to other than them. It is also home to the infamous LAPD, known for their policy of "Beat the shit out of the coloreds, ask questions later". Los Angeles is also the host to many major news events, such as the Michael Jackson trial, the O.J. Simpson trial, and the anorexia of Mary-Kate Olsen, and Britney Spears' hair, weight, and vagina. This is because most of the child molesters and murderers in the US all live in LA. They do this because they know they'll be declared "not guilty" whenever they decide to rape children or kill people. This is thanks to the typical L.A. jury, which consists of common Los Angeles citizens who are all apparently pro-pedophilia, pro-gangsta, and pro-homicide to get this close to Tom Cruise.

The truth is, though, the people that live in LA love it. They also love to talk with homosexual accents. Unlike cities such as New York, people don't market I <3 LA logos on various cheap products. Possibly because anyone caught wearing an "I <3 LA" shirt would be labled as not just a homosexual, but a homosexual with piss-poor fashion sense, and then shot. This is a sign that Los Angeles is secure with its sexuality (which is 100% gay) and does not need to be boisterous and loudmouthed to feel good about itself. This is why L.A. is called La-La-Land. A fantasy world in an autistic kind of way.

It's a little known fact that no one has actually been born in Los Angeles in at least 100 years. If you go into any hospital in LA and ask where the maternity ward is, the nurse will laugh, punch you in the dick, and have you removed from the premises. Everyone in Los Angeles is from somewhere else, most often from Mexico, New York, China, Korea, Israel or Iran. Most of the immigrants to Los Angeles come from third world nations, and so they don't realize that not having public transportation, regular street cleaning, police patrols, reliable sanitation, or clean air and water are bad things for a major metropolis.

Everyone with an ego bigger than their penis must at some point move to Los Angeles. Seriously, it's the law. It was initially intended to get all of the obnoxious, self-important braggarts from parts of the United States into one area, so they could nuke them and not have to deal with them anymore. But they unexpectedly created movie studios and produced some humorous films, and so it was decided that maybe we could keep those denizens around for a few more years, especially since it would be cheaper to just wait until the whole area sinks into the Pacific Ocean. The film and music industry attracts people from all over the Midwest who think that they're too awesome for their little podunk towns. Convinced that they'll end up in movies or with a band that's as original as Linkin Park, they flock en masse and float the economy boat of Los Angeles by buying drugs and BMW's with money borrowed from their parents back in IRL-land.

It is also home to very tall and numerous palm trees, who are known to be the first immigrants of Los Angeles before the Gabrielenos, the Spaniards, the Mexicans, the Americans, and everybody else. These trees were imported from South America because LA was a flat desert with nothing on it since the beginning of time. Most people agree that the palm trees are grown that tall for residents to escape the infectious cloud that perpetually hovers over LA, which causes coughing, itching, and the urge to surf and have butt sex with other men.

Sports

Los Angeles professional sports teams include the Fakers, Crappers, Dopers, Anals (they be representin' the OC 7-1-4), Rioting Niggers, Jew Media Giants, Latin Kings, Fucks and Galaxy, all of which are quite shitty. However, sports is a big business in Los Angeles, as the population is largely Mexican, who love sports. !VIVA LOS CHIVAS USA EQUIPO DE FUTBOL!

Most of the sports teams are homegrown. Except for the Dodgers, which was stolen from New York when LA realized they were all talentless homos who would orgasm at the thought of the famous baseball 'ass slap'. Also, the Lakers are from Minnesota, a place that actually has lakes. And the Clippers are from San Diego via Buffalo, NY. Come to think of it, none of these teams are homegrown. LA stole them, like they stole everything else they've ever had.

L.A. can't have the NFL back, but ice hockey is popular. The Kings in the Staples Center and the Ducks in the Honda Center, or was it the "Mighty Ducks" of Anaheim? It never gets under 32 degrees F in L.A., therefore hockey seems to be "interesting".

And DO NOT FORGET. the NCAA College sports rivalry: USC. Trojans (CONDOMS!) and DO NOT FORGIVE. UCLA. Bruins (I MADE BROWN). They have gridiron American football, and college level hoops too. The Rose Bowl in Pasadena is a New Years' tradition. FLUSH.

It should be mentioned that although Los Angeles is home to the WNBA's Sparks, the team has not had a single game, due to the players working in the kitchen all day.

Music

Nothing of lasting musical interest (except The Doors, The Beach Boys, and Frank Zappa) was created in Los Angeles. Some Angelenos claim that Los Angeles was the birthplace of rap. Well, it wasn't. The South Bronx in New York City was, in the 1970's. Again, uncreative Angelenos trying to steal something that isn't theirs. Assholes. However, Los Angeles IS the birthplace of "wiggerism" which we can thank for corrupting our youth.

People

LA is a racial cornucopia. Virtually every country is represented here with a suburb of its own. The majority of these follow the formula Countrytown, or Little Country, e.g. Little Armenia, Chinatown. These small towns also have nicknames. Little Armenia is often referred to as Bignosia. Lots of Jews and Russians live here too. Despite their differences they all can rejoice in knowing they support the raping of children and the murders of innocent people.

But unfortunately, having all these people living together leads to race riots between Blacks and Latinos (because obviously the white man is not the source of their problems) in the LA Unified School District's high schools, the pride and joy of the city. Being the spawning ground of the countries most homosexual gangs, like the Crips and Bloods adds to the problem.

Los Angeles is home to Jack Bauer, star of the unrealistic and shitty TV show "24" where some dumb bitch somehow manages to get kidnapped 40 times in one fucking day. Only in L.A., people.

The Angelinos thought it couldn't get any worse, but it turns out Cawy Doctorow along with his hilarious website BoingBoing are now Newfags to LA.

I came to notice L.A. like Sarajevo, Bosnia, Yugoslavia, had the olympics in 1984. One has the summer, the other held winter. Sarajevo had ethnic conflict turn into war, L.A. had the race riots...both happened in 1992. But one difference is Bosnians are ethnic kin fighting over religion in a brotherly brawl: Serbs vs. Croats vs. Muslims (Bosniaks or Kosovars), with some Jews, Roma/Gypsies and Armenians caught in between. In L.A. it's brotha against nigga fight over skin color: Blacks vs. Latins vs. Whites (Anglos or Asians), with some Jews, Cherokee Injuns/Native Hawaiians and Armenians caught in between.

The Hollywood Cock of Fame

Justice System

As mentioned before, the LA justice system is currently 0 fer .* when deciding on a verdict in a largely publicized trial. Remember the Los Angeles Riots after the Rodney King verdict? Idiots.

Architecture

There are rumors that LA has a skyline. Some people have made claims that in the early morning, they have been able to see through the infectious cloud and see what is described as "four 10-story abandoned buildings" which is now known as "Downtown LA".

Though there is a rumor that there is a sign that says "HOLLYWOOD" somewhere to the north of the city of the same name, this has only been sighted by tourists from other parts of the world who do not live in Los Angeles and thus is regarded as bullshit.