Newgrounds/Flash

The Flash Portal

The Voting System

The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3, and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.

HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew or Barney Bunch submission, but none are more effective than these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.

Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.

The Review System

Typical Reviewer

	“	That show was reaaaaaalllllyyy FUNNY! Way didnt sye pik cell it is a good fighter! Overall score: 10	„

}

	“	Fix yout flash Need do fix your portal Overall score: 2	„

Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a waste of voting power and most likely get your review deleted.

You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.

But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that is a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backward.

And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".

[-+]The Infamous B? Review

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	“	Absolutely brilliant. When looked upon by inexperienced critiques, one might wonder why such a work of art deserves a high score. But, if one looks in-depth and with a high degree of intellectual insight, we can see exactly what makes this work brilliant. My interpretation of the piece, as follows, regarding the very structure and sustenance in which art like this thrives; will be -- I believe, revealing to those that fail to understand the beauty of the B. The first thing that strikes me as I look upon the B is that one notices it is not quite to the center of the canvas -- in fact, the B is maligned and off-kilter, slightly to the upper left of the center of the piece. I believe that this was done on purpose to convey the underlying theme of the piece, that of chaos and unorthodoxy, that of irreverence and rebellion. The artist is trying to convey the message that our world is not perfect, that each one of the many peoples of this earth must work together for a humane, constructive effort to ensure the betterment of our civilization and our future. This theme is predominately reflected by the simple choice of color for the B, that of a pure, mathematically perfect red. When viewing the piece, the average audience member might simply interpret red as fury, anguish, and aggression. But, due to the exact and calculated nature of the red used in this work, I offer that it portrays itself moreover as knowing and confident, acting out of will and intellect, not arrogance and bravado. This is where the genius of the artist comes out, that such as rebellious and vulgar colour can be seen as precise, and civilized. As for the white background, one might interpret it as more of a clear, sterile, and forced utopia. I recall images of Huxley's and Zamyatin's nightmares as they reflect upon the background. It portrays the B, almost as a lone child wandering off into the wilderness, being pushed to perform inhumane tasks by his cruel masters. The emptiness and lack of conscience is contrasted by the will and soul of the B. A nightmare indeed, but one that haunts us all. When we notice that the choice of the letter, B, out of all twenty-six in the English alphabet was chosen, we must wonder why. Before I get into that, let me offer some rationale and evidence from further examination of the B itself. When looking at the typeface, we immediately realize that it is of a serif font, most likely Times New Roman or Bookman Antiqua. We also notice that the B is a capital B, not a lowercase one. Thus, I suggest that this implies a struggle for power and control, over the most likely antagonist: A. Because of its Roman nature and status, we assume that the B is of a high-rank lieutenant in some corporate atmosphere, but has the desire and will to become the very best, to overthrow the A and in turn, become first. B does not settle for second place. B does not accept anything other than perfection. B is disgusted by the corruption and inability to function by A, and B plots to end the reign of the A. This is the horrible truth, the truth that all of us hold true. For yet, life is only a struggle for more and more power, control, and wealth. This is but my interpretation. Yet, I would argue that many more would hold this opinion as well. Although close to perfection, I do not believe that this work deserves a perfect ten for a few reasons. Despite its succinct and flawless simplicity, it lacks literary elements that give more power and gusto to the artist's voice. Though violins and cellos alike can perfect a string quartet, the clarinet is left in the dark, as its own timbre holds back its performance. Though this work is like the clarinet, struggling to match the power of the strings, it does come very, very close. Though, through wavering willpower and diminishing strength, it does not achieve the goal it set out to reach. But in effect, I bow to the beauty and elegance that enriches the entire performance, for it is this work of art that truly dominates the entire concert. Overall score: 10	„

The Teddy Review Spam War

Recently, a group of retards and fags emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:

Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?

It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-nigger he is, has not deleted any of these reviews(save for mine) and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple of billion times to piss off the meat-spin lovers on Jewgrounds.

Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.

"Blammed "

Although the majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes it into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances that indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.

1# Aruchieve of all time

How to get to "#1 All-Time" on the portal

The Coveted Spot. The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position through Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:

First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity. Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap. One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality. Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank, etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13-year-old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal. One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?) It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, Barney Bunch, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups. Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta? In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or anything related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status. Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality. To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive that cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters. One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms. Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha. If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders. Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work. ???? Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)