Tom O C

Bitches always be playa hatin and after me lucky charms

In damning evidence that global warming is destroying the world, the melting ice-caps have forced the guido, not known to be migratory animals, as far from their natural habitat as the shores of Ireland. Meet Tom O'Connor, AKA Tom O C, potato-nigger extraordinaire and self-proclaimed "future of Irish rap". In a country with as many black people as Chris-Chan has sexual partners, this statement is hard to refute given that "Irish rap" has no fucking past to begin with.

Mick was O'Cash

Tom appears to have acquired his pot of gold through his job as a fucking telemarketer, and appears to have achieved modest success, owning the domains clubbing.ie and hiphop.ie. This may in part be because he is the only person who gives a flying fuck about hiphop in ireland, but he has at least managed to buy a car, or at least Adobe Photoshop to superimpose himself in front of a car as many people suspect.

Paddy Music Production Guide

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Whoah,
Girl don't you know,

You're my ecstasy,
The way you make me feel,
Girl, don't you know how you make me feel,
Love it when we sit down to flake and chill,
We can talk about anyting, girl keep it real.

Our friendship's forever, you know the deal,
You can tell me anything and I will not go squeal,
You're always running, tru my head,
From when I wake up 'till I go to beeaayead.

Always wanna know if you're happy, or upset,
Always wanna know what's on your mind, and
What you're thinking at the time,
Love it when you smile,
Love it when we cuddle, Love it when we kiss, when we snuggle,

And I miss, the touch on my arm and the, tickle on my wrist,
Whoah,
From the smile on my face, from your touch and scent,
Girl I'm addicted and gonna have to give you up for lent,
'Cause you're as sweet as chocolate, as fillin' as cream,
You're the only girl dat's runnin' wild in my dreams,

And when you touch me, I get dem shivers,
It's just the feeling your touch delivers,
I can feel the vibes runnin' tru my spine, shakes goin' tru my head,
As soon as your lips touch and kiss my lips,
I've wondered, how much I've missed.

You're my ecstasy, the way you make me feel,
Girl don't you know how you make me feel,
Whoah whoah,

You're my ecstasy, the way you make me feel,
Girl don't you know how you make me feel,

I don't wanna hurt chu,
Just wanna spend a little time, talkin' my mind,
Like the old times,
Chilling, talking deep,
Sometimes I be fazed, nearly fallin' asleep,
But I always listen.

Girl, you're the one I'm missin',
Come here to me, chicken,
Give me a little kissin',
Everything, will be alright,

I kiss you goodnight, walk out dem gates,
Waving goodbye,

Oh yeah I wave goodbye.

Budding Irish hiphop artists sober enough to actually read at this point will be asking "That's all well and good for a man with such obvious talent as Tom O C, but how can I possibly compete with such a rap legend?" Fear not, the scientists at ED have compiled the following list of things to do to become as awesome as "MR. HIPHOP" himself.

• Use autotune. Autotune is the single most important weapon in the aspiring artist's arsenal. As such it can never be over used.

• Systematically mistime every single cue, fuck metronomes, keep it real.

• Throw in bizarre references to your catholicism mixed with boning girls.

	“	From the smile on my face, from your touch and scent, Girl I'm addicted and gonna have to give you up for lent	„

• Say "snuggle". Snuggle is the most badass word in the rap/hiphop lexicon. There are very few words that rhyme with snuggle, so you can either segue into profound anti-capitalist diatribe with "class struggle" or go the long route and take up juggling. Tom O C will not be bound by the chains of rhyming schemes and went for "cuddle" but it takes a lifetime of gangsta to pull that off with such finese.

Tom O C bought his gat at Toys R Us yo.

• Pose with kiddy toy cap-gun in photos of you looking gangsta. Make sure the red plastic bit is clearly visible to give you extra cred.

Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags

• Get floor minglers and slags to have their photo taken with you in clubs. If you can't actually get pussy yourself, there are no end of similarly fake tanned whores who willing to be photographed with even the ugliest of bastards. Simply inform them that they'll get on your website somewhere and buy a few alcopops/vodka and you too can create the illusion of hetrosexuality.
• Be sure to tell playa hatas not to be hatin as this is the most effective way to quell their hatin.

	“	THANKS FO DA SUPPORT GUYS and let ME reitteirate FuCK the HATERS stay tuned 4 new shyt soon piece	„
	—tomoconor2009

'Go Fuck Yourself' Episode

Even though Tom is an entrepreneur, he still applies for jobs through Facebook Chat.

In July 2010, Tom complained to the Irish media that he was told to go fuck himself by RTÉ, the state broadcaster. He provided a screenshot of this horrible bout of unprofessionalism on his Twitter. For some reason known only to Tom, he applies for jobs through Facebook Chat.

The Irish Daily Star takes up Tom O'C's humanitarian cause.

Reviews from critics

Despite a few fabricated reviews from friends of the pikey T PAIN, the initial reviews of his as yet untitled masterpiece have been less than kind, and it would appear that by "playa hata" Tom O C means everyone who has ever heard his autotuned warbling that isn't called Tom O C.

	“	this is one of the most significant pieces of work to come out of ireland.. on so many levels, its really great	„
	—MCStupendous

	“	this video is to music as two girls one cup is to pornography...2g1c can't be unseen...and this video can't be unheard...i hope you die a horrible death.	„
	—islandrascal

	“	1. you're not in 'the rap game'- this isn't rap, it has the rhythm of david brent dancing, your 'lyrics' are worse than the holocaust and you actually rhymed cuddle and snuggle 2. get rid of your t shirt suntan before posing in vests 3. this really is an abortion of a track	„
	—johannes14

	“	Your parents must be proud. Oh, and just where did you find the Ooomp Loompa at 26 seconds in?I have a factory and need some staff is all.	„
	—easey666

Damage Limitation

After the original music video became the most viewed video in Ireland (meaning it had at least 5 views) Tom O C set out to delete every mirror of the video from the internet, completely unfamiliar with the Streisand Effect. Hilariously, as can be heard in this radio interview, Tom changed tact and decided that he never made the video at all being victim of an evil plot and totally not just a douche who got called out. This would mean that, without his knowledge someone made him:

• Record an entire fucking song.
• Pose in countless douchey photographs in numerous locations.
• Upload it the entire thing to youtube on his own account along with various other videos of him directly talking to the camera about his youtube channel.
• Challenge people mocking him.
• Finally delete fucking everything when he became a laughing stock.

How this is possible is anyones guess - unless the "small group of individuals" who made it refer to the voices in his head that tell him to make a cunt out of himself, but that's his story and hes sticking to it.

	“	Tom O C talks to phantom FM about fake youtube videos - and NOT being a rapper or making any songs. All other Tom O C videos are simply part of an online attack against Tom by a small group of individuals with notting better to invest their time in doing.	„

Having now drifted into obscurity, Tom has finally managed to get a lot of the videos removed from YouTube, but they're safely mirrored on various other sites for future generations to lol at.

See Also

• Eminem
• Wigger
• Fail
• Joe Somebody
• Duckface

External Links

• His YouTube account Deleted!
• His Bebo account
• His website

Tom O C is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.