Camel Spider

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A pack of Camel cigaretts

yiffing camel spiders, used in an Afghani version of Russian Roulette

The dreaded camel spider "Queen" phase. Challenge Rating: 22

An unshaven camel spider

The Camel Spider, known more commonly as JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS MOTHERFUCKER and ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH will eat your fucking face, as well as everything else on this planet. Contrary to popular belief, its name is not derived from the fact that its face looks a woman's camel toe, but because it'll crawl into your camel toe just like centipedes do and lay thousands of eggs which will later result in a writhing, biting hoard spewing out like some sort of creepy-crawly cunt diarrhea. Therefore it is responsible for a lot of drama among GIs in the Arabian deserts, where these cephalopods arthropods spend most of their time. This vermin is considered a pest horrible nightmare by the native inhabitants because it can make a camel's entire leg rot off if bitten.

Camel Spiders: The Unholy, Unliving Legend

What few soldiers have survived the horrors of the camel spider have brought back horrific, even unbelievable tales.

• Camel spiders can grow to be as large as dinner plates.

• Camel spiders can traverse desert sand at speeds up to 25 MPH (40.2336 KPH for Eurofags), making screaming noises as they run.

• Camel spiders can jump several feet in the air, making you leave behind a trail of piss as you run away like a traumatized child.

• Camel spiders eat the stomach of any camel they encounter and lay their eggs there, hence the name "camel spider." (Legend includes the detail that camel spiders eat camel stomachs from either the outside in or the inside out. In the former case they supposedly jump up from the ground and grab onto camels' bellies from underneath; in the latter case exactly how spiders allegedly as large as dinner plates get into camels' stomachs intact remains unexplained.)

• Camel spiders are venomous, and their venom contains a powerful anesthetic that numbs their victims (thus allowing them to gnaw away at living, immobilized animals without being noticed). U.S. soldiers were said to have been attacked by camel spiders at night but remained completely unaware of their plight until they awakened in the morning to find chunks of their flesh missing.

• Camel spiders are, in fact, camels, that have been bitten by radioactive spiders..

These people are liars who only heard about camel spiders from hearsay, for to see a real, live camel spider is to die by the horrible diseases they inflict upon you, which require a massive DC 35 Fortitude saving throw to resist, and is spread through the air in a 30' radius. (Victims are slowly driven mad, as this is a power granted to the spiders by Cthulhu himself as harbingers of the End of Days. Damage is 2d6 Wisdom per day.)

Although the camel spider is undead, it cannot be turned, and in fact, any cleric must make a Willpower save against DC 20 to keep their faith and cast any spells at all.

Camel spiders attack via a concentrated venom spray (with a range of 30', +18 attack bonus, 2d6 damage + blindness - DC 15 Reflex save to resist.) They then pounce, from as far as 20 feet away, and, if their bite attack is successful, they burrow into their hapless host, from which they emerge a mere 3 rounds of combat later, having laid dozens of eggs which will eventually burst forth from the abdomen of their prey.

The only thing a camel spider fears is the allmighty natural 20. And Longcat.

It is widely believed that there is no actual insurgency in Iraq, and that all casualties are the direct consequence of a single "Queen Phase" camel spider . Many US-made fortifications are made out of the carapaces of slain camel spiders, and it is said that the whole of Iraq is actually the collapsed exoskeleton of one of these behemoths.

Eating Habits

While the camel spider's favorite dish is human flesh, he is also known to eat pretty much anything that is unfortunate enough to cross his path; lizards, birds, cows, lions, tigers, bears, other camel spiders, furries, mudkipzetc. Below is a video of a camel spider enjoying a tasty afternoon snack.

OM NOM NOM

See Also

• Spider
• A RAPE SPIDER
• Giant isopod
• Centipedes
• Japanese Bug Fights
• Bill Spider

External Links

• Snopes