Fedora: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 20:16, 6 March 2015

The fedora (or brony-burka) is a hat with a small to medium-sized brim and its main section creased down the middle and pinched at the front end. The fedora is the elusive third piece of the three-piece suit.

The fedora was once the undisputed king of all hats, invented by top headwear scientists in the 1910s. All hats were lesser compared to the almighty fedora, until its untimely death at the hands of a million losers desperately trying to look cool, resulting in the fedora being co-opted as the official hat of autism.

As such, most fedoras nowadays are from Target or Wal-Mart, are made of shit cloth instead of felt and are only worn by basement dwellers who think that having it perched atop their greasy tangle of nasty-ass hair automatically makes them as cool as everyone in the following list.

The Fedora In Media (Or 'The Big List Of People Who Can Actually Look Cool In A Fedora')

The fedora has made a reputation for itself in various forms of media, examples include:

Everybody in the Godfather movies
Indiana Jones
Everybody in Cinderella Man (despite the title)
Everybody in TF2
Indiana Jones
Humphrey Bogart
Frank Sinatra
Tom Landry
Indiana Jones
Johnny Depp
Young Indiana Jones
Al Roker, but he only straight-up rocks that shit on chilly days.
Inspector Gadget, and his had a helicopter built into it.
Freddy Krueger
Indiana Jones
Run-DMC
Some of the chicks from that Chicago movie, this is what is known in The Biz as "Pure Sex"
Indiana Jones
This crazy Butterfly-Mobster from the Shin Megami Tensei video game series.
Pimps

The Fedora Today

Even in a video game, Vito Corleone rocks a fedora better than you can.

The fedora was hunted nearly to extinction at least 100 years ago when they invented dumbass little round hats around the 1940s and then later baseball caps. Now fedoras are found primarily on urban-type hipster assholes who aren't worthy of wearing the apex of hat technology. If you wear a fedora today, prepare to be laughed at. Instead, look up the wide variety of other hats one can still wear, and get one online.

The Evolution Of A Faggot In A Fedora

Get bullied all through school for being a nerd.
Decide to take cool and own it.
Purchase a fedora - an item which is considered a physical embodiment of cool.
Abandon all other aspects of cool, such as physique, personality, clothing and style.
Ride that one cool item you possess towards your hopes and dreams of coolness.
Look like a spastic.

Keep in mind you can add to the look with fingerless gloves, a horrible neckbeard that looks like dead spiders, and a retro t-shirt.

Identifying a fedora-wearer on the internet

Despite the general anonymity provided by the world-wide-web, there are several methods that can be used to track down and properly classify a fedora-wearing faggot.

One of the most vital steps in identification of the fedora-wearer is where most of their time online is spent, because fedora users tend to travel in large packs, they are easiest to spot in the following locations:

/v/
Reddit
TV Tropes
Goons
Any brony-related community
Atheism
Any "geek" apparel related website
Freenode
Libertarian
Possibly tumblr (but only to masturbate to images of scene girls)
Anti-GamerGate/SJW/castrated faggots.
Pro-GamerGate/MRA/embittered permavirgins.

The next step in the identification process is quite possibly the most important: their tastes in media. Those who wear fedoras often accredit themselves as having a highly developed taste for the arts, this however is not true.

Entry-level cinema is a particular favorite of fedorafags, if the target mentions any of the following as being a "monumental", "groundbreaking", "creative", or even simply "good" film, there is a high likelihood they were wearing a fedora while doing so:

Fight Club
Any Lord of the Rings movie
Any Quentin Tarantino movie
Watchmen
The Cornetto Trilogy
Scott Pilgrim
Any post-1960's Stanley Kubrick movie
The Matrix

If the target's preference for film cannot be obtained (which is unlikely since fedorafags love to share their "excellent" taste in movies they perceive as being "deep"), there is also a chance they will at one point share their taste in music. The artists enjoyed by fedora-wearers are just as generic as the films they watch, and include but are not limited to:

Queen
The Beatles
Caravan Palace
Any heavy metal band
Post-1972 Pink Floyd
The soundtrack to L.A. Noire or Fallout

There is also a slim chance the person in question may try to brandish the fantastic taste they have in literature as well. It should be noted that the only novels fedorafags have read are those they were forced to in high school; nevertheless, they often praise such juvenile works as:

A Catcher in the Rye
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
To Kill a Mockingbird
Anything by Poe
Anything by Stephen King
Anything by Ayn Rand

Fedorafags also like to think of themselves as funny, incredibly witty guys who have such a sophisticated sense of humor that whenever they make a joke and receive only stony silence/contemptuous looks from all the casuals around them, it's only because either A) they don't get it because they're too dumb to grasp the complex subtleties of the joke or B) they're so shocked by the totally edgy, uncompromising, in-your-face humor that their little sheeple lives have been thrown into complete disarray. Comedians favored by fedora-wearers include:

Doug Stanhope
Bill Hicks
Penn and Teller
Charlie Brooker
Anyone on TGWTG

When it comes to fedora faggots, they're political views will most likely be libertarian, and another chance is that they might be avid Ron Paul supporters.

How dare you insult the fedora, you jealous ass haters!

Kingdom of Loathing and the Fedora

The MMORPG Kingdom of Loathing, a MUD-like MMORPG populated by stick-figures and pencil-doodles, places quite a lot of emphasis on the fedora as an equipable armor item, most notably 1337speek "f3d0r4"s and clockwork fedoras. Pr0ns, sleazy crayfish from the seamy underbelly of internet pr0nography, also wear fedoras while appearing as monsters.

Fedoras accentuate autism wonderfully

File:000.jpg

Where all Fedoras originate from.

Previous Video | Next Video

Scientology

It's like a bat signal to home in little boys.

Moar info: The Marcab Confederacy.

Apparently L. Ron Hubbard thinks fedora hats are an evil from a past alien civilization, and Scientologists are forbidden to wear them. Of course, there is a picture of L. Ron from before he started Scientology wearing a fedora, but they like to keep that hidden.

The Fedora as Softwarez

You can plug your hat into the Matrix and many lulz will ensue; doing this also has the benefit of providing a permanent +6 charisma enchantment to your fedora, and adds the "Jaunty" and "Rakish" commands to its setlist.

No, Srsly: The Fedora as Softwarez

Faildora Core is an RPM-based Linux distribution, developed by the community-supported Fedora Project and sponsored by Red Hat. The name derives from Red Hat's characteristic fedora used in its "Shadowman" logo. However, the Faildora community project had existed as a volunteer group providing extra software for the Red Hat Linux distribution before Red Hat got involved as a direct sponsor. Faildora is the pseudo l337 bleeding-edge piece of shit from RedHat used by geeks to satisfy their masochistic needs.

Vs. The Trilby

Results of a Google image-search for "Trilby" yields Fedoras. Google is Truth.

Trilby, the protagonist of the "X Days a Something" games, seen in his signature gray suit and a ~~Fedora~~ ~~Trilby hat~~ Fedora.

There is virtually no difference between Fedoras and Trilbies, but the dastardly Jew cabal that pulls the strings of Wikipedia and the world at large would have you believe otherwise. According to Wikipedia a Trilby is "a soft felt men's hat with a narrow brim and a deeply indented crown." while a Fedora is described as "a soft felt hat that is creased lengthwise down the crown and pinched in the front on both sides." Wut. I think a Trilby might be a tiny bit narrower than a Fedora, but beyond that it's the same hat. I will kill myself if you can prove the two styles of the hat are significantly different, but you can't, so I wont. Actually, trilbies have a curve in the back of the hat while fedoras are straight in the back of the hat.

The Trilby is not to be confused with Trilby, the dashing gentleman-thief from those spiffy point-and-click Adventure games made by Yahtzee Croshaw, that guy who talks really fast about crummy videogames. Unlike the Angry Video Game Nerd, Yahtzee Croshaw covers more recent crummy games and wears a Fedora/Trilby IRL.

Galleries

General About missing Pics

"Welcome to prime time, bitch!"
You wanna look like the queen of pop, you gotta sport that fedora.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Malignant Atheist
Look out!
We got a bad ass here!
Now comes in weaboo!
Fat folds never felt better!
WOW! Such originality!
Not everyone will
be impressed.
All atheists wear fedoras.
Sooo euphoric!

Delusions Of Swag About missing Pics

Grease stains can
be problematic.
Ginger Neckbeard Variety
Fat 'n classy...
but mostly FAT.
Your fat girlfriend is
gonna love it!

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Your mom will think
you're cool!
Smugtard
Pube Beard
FanFic Critic is fond of wearing a fedora.
Mexiboo
BATTLE READY!
SUPER BATTLE READY!
BATTLE RE...OH SHI-
~~A typical fedora wearing faggot you can find in Denmark.~~ Nobody gives a shit