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| '''Overwatch''' is a desperate attempt to simplify ''[[Team Fortress 2]]'' into a game so easy to play that babies out of the womb could pick it up. Since [[World of Warcraft|MMORPGs]] no longer made the headlines or the big bucks, [[Sexual Harassment|Blizzard Entertainment]] were convinced that easy-to-approach class shooters were the next big thing. Creating a cast of colourful characters that wouldn’t look out of place on a kids tv show, Overwatch on release had every sperg, autist and caveman captivated by the bright colours and loud noises, which distracted from how little content the game actually had. To really bring in as many players as possible the game was made as approachable as possible, so despite being a shooter there's no blood or graphic imagery to reach the lowest age rating. The characters themselves range from Avengers knock-offs for the kiddies, [[Aurora Theatre Shooting|edgy Batman villains wearing trench coats]] for the teens, and tiny [[16-year-old girl|barely-legal]] Korean girls for the adults.
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| Blinded by how big of a success Overwatch became, Blizzard quickly lost sight of what the game was and what the fans wanted. What followed was years of mishandling, controversy and company politics that managed to turn the games reputation from the next big thing that everyone was playing, into a messy first-person [[League of Legends|MOBA]] that alienated new commers, and pissed off veterans.
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| In a desperate attempt to revive the game, mainly its image, Overwatch 2 was announced, putting the final nail in Overwatch’s coffin as development for the game slowed to a snail’s pace. The legacy of Overwatch is mostly porn, as well as what happens when everyone gets [[Cyberpunk 2077|hypnotised by clever advertising]] and flashy visuals.
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| ==The Gameplay==
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| The main game consists of either a quickplay or competitive match, which has two teams of six players fight around different objectives. You can play with your loser friends for an easy victory, or play with strangers if you want to roleplay a French general trying to coordinate his troops. There's king of the hill which is two rounds in which one team must own the centre of the map for 90 seconds. Payload has you push a cart [[All Your Base Are Belong To Us|into the enemies spawn.]] Finally there's assault in which one team has to defend two control points while the other team tries to take them over. More familiar game modes like capture the flag and deathmatch are restricted to a separate "arcade" section which puts different game modes in a rotation so enjoy logging in just to find your favourite game mode has been kicked off in favour of a gimmick mode that no one plays.
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| Every time you complete a match you're given a virtual medal and some xp, gain enough xp and you're given a free lootbox full of useless stickers and costumes. If you're [[lazy]] and only want to play virtual dress up with your favourite characters, don't worry; you can pay real world money for more lootboxes that might only give you items for a character you never play. If you think hard work and skill will reward you with the lootboxes you wanted, you'll be glad to hear that Overwatch gives free lootboxes a lower chance to unbox something good compared to a paid-box, so enjoy your common stickers and alternative voice line for the [[Moon Man|Text-to-speech robot character.]]
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| If you really hate yourself but not enough to consider [[An hero|suicide]], you can grind the competitive mode which makes matches longer, but rewards you with a currency used to unlock a [[Jews|golden weapon]] for your favourite character. These golden weapons use to be an icon of skill and dedication, but are now ruined as Blizzard changed the system from rewarding the golden currency to players who did well at the end of a competitive season, to giving them to a player every time they finished a competitive match.
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| ===Heroes - How to play===
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| <div align="center" style="font-weight:bold;font-size:larger">[[fail|You're paying for an overpriced ripoff of Team Fortress 2]]</div> | | <div align="center" style="font-weight:bold;font-size:larger">[[fail|You're paying for an overpriced ripoff of Team Fortress 2]]</div> |
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| <div align="center" style="font-weight:bold;font-size:larger">Damage</div> | | <div align="center" style="font-weight:bold;font-size:larger">Damage</div> |
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| | *'''Mei''' - Designed for trolling, Mei's chubby ass is used to weaken her enemies before her teammates come in to finish them off. Mei's ice gun slows down her target and if frozen long enough, locks them in place for a short period, allowing Mei to get some cheeky hits in before her prey escapes. She can build a Shit Wall of [[China]] with her ice gun to block off any exit for her enemies (or her teammates if you're feeling devilish), and if she wants to [[pussybitch|pussy out of an attack]] she can encase herself in solid ice which heals her injuries and turns her invulnerable until she thaws out. If this all sounds a little too unfair to fight and brimming with potential to piss off teammates and enemies alike, you're right. Her ice wall specifically is the bane of some players existences, as it not only lasts way too long, but can also be used for players to place out-of-reach teleporters to get an unfair flank. Mei is for fat fetishists, and is usually chosen by people who are [[troll|looking to do a little bit of trolling.]] |
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| [[File:Reaper-and-Soldier76.jpg|right|thumb|You're in the wrong neighborhood motherfucker]]
| | *'''[[ISIS|Pharah]]''' - An Egyptian slave who uses a jet to shoot explosives at her enemies from up above. With her country of origin being an Islamic country, she's clearly a jihadist rip off, very racist of the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". Pharah has the ability to fly along with a rocket launcher, and her ultimate ability which unleashes a rocket barrage onto her enemies. Her simplistic kit makes her a nightmare to fight as she can dodge anything you throw at her while her splash-damage rockets chip away at your health. Pharah is for [[Idiot|12 year old boys]], and is usually chosen by people who choose the most expensive item on the menu, and then refuse to pay the bill. |
| *'''[[Money|Ashe]]''' - Snipers are so cool with their sharp-shooter aim and quick thinking, trading survivability for insane damage. I bet you'd like to be one, except you can't [[headshot]] anything that moves and your awareness is most comparable to [[Helen Keller]]. Luckily Ashe is for you, with her sniper rifle having such a ridiculous fire-rate that you can riddle your enemy with bullets once you've missed their brain three times in a row. If anyone gets the drop on you, Ashe has a tiny shotgun that pushes away any attacker, and her ultimate ability is to summon a tank robot that has machine gun hands, mowing down everything in sight, so if you've been sucking ass at actually helping your team, you can bring in this tank to do the work you [[lazy|can't be bothered to do.]] Ashe is for [[Poseur|posers,]] and is usually chosen by people who take credit for work they didn't do, like in a school project or work presentation. | |
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| *'''Bastion''' - If you've recently had a [[stupid|lobotomy,]] Bastion is for you. When you choose this robotic dick-on-legs, you've basically announced to your teammates that you have turned on easy mode and that they shouldn't rely on you to do anything other than mic spam and complain. Bastion can turn into a turret with an ammo capacity that feels almost endless, so enjoy tracking your enemies while you listen to your sigma grindset podcasts. Bastion has an ability to heal himself so you never have to move, but if you feel like stretching your legs, Bastion's ultimate turns him into a cannon on wheels, so enjoy some easy frags. Bastion is for lazy bastards, and is usually chosen by people who never work hard at anything they do, but still do [[A winner is you|better than those around them.]]
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| *'''[[Black Supremacy|Doomfist]]''' - Fighting games suck ass, all the combos and quick maths is no fun so normal people avoid them like the plague. Doomfist acts as a diet-coke version of a fighting game character, tasking players to use his Fisher-Price moveset effectively in a game full of stuns and shields. Doomfist can bounce like an [[Basketball|NBA player]], slam into enemies the same way he slams into single mothers, and for his ultimate he slams his fat ass into the ground in the hope no one tries to [[George Floyd|choke him while he gets back up.]] This handful of abilities plus a pea-shooter in his hand with only 4 bullets, would have you convinced he'd be one of the weakest options in the game, but on the contrary, part of Blizzards propaganda that black people are better means that Doomfist [[Pwnt|one-shots]] half the characters in the game. This is obviously not fun to play against, so for Overwatch 2 they remade his kit to be completely different, instead of trying to salvage this insanely unfair beast. Doomfist is for [[Cuckoldry|cucks,]] and is usually chosen by people who think they're better at the game then they really are.
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| *'''Genji''' - It might blow your mind to hear that Blizzard, in the name of diversity and breaking stereotypes, made their Japanese character a cyborg ninja. He shoots shurikens that do more damage than bullets, he runs and jump around like [[Cocaine|Mario on crack,]] and his ultimate ability is a sword that kills most characters with a single hit. While his design and gameplay is unoriginal, his balance has always been a problem and Blizzard have had to constantly change his cooldowns to try and make him play nice with the other kids. Fact is, it's hard to balance something so ridiculously broken in the first place, there's glass canon, and then there's this [[gook]]. Genji is for [[Wapanese|weeaboos]], and is usually chosen [[Tears|sweaty tryhards]] who get three hours of sleep at most.
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| *'''[[Incest|Hanzo]]''' - If Ashe is for people who ''wish'' they could play a sniper, Hanzo is for players that can play Sniper but only with ridiculous amounts of luck. Hanzo uses a bow that snipes but doesn't have a scope so enjoy trying to hit the three pixels that represents an enemies head across the map. To help you not be a complete waste of space, Hanzo has an arrow that reveals the enemies position to your team for a short period, as well as the ability to shoot off a bunch of arrows as if his bow has suddenly become an assault rifle. Even with these abilities, actually getting a headshot usually requires blind luck or a cheat program. His ultimate ability has him charge up an arrow that unleashes a [[IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER|magic dragon that flies that shoots through walls and kills anything it touches.]] Hanzo is for anti-social nerds and is usually chosen by people who improvise all the time, but pretend they know what they're doing.
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| *'''[[Ausfalia|Junkrat]]''' - Slightly fitting given that he's [[United States of Australia|Australian,]] Junkrat is a brain-dead explosives character that rewards spam and punishes thinking or "aim". Stealing his gear from the [[Team Fortress 2|Demoman,]] Junkrat has a grenade launcher that shoots bouncy explosives, and two mines that stick to any surface and can be used to rocket jump as well as lay traps. His ultimate ability is a remote-control tyre with explosives strapped to it, that can be destroyed by enemies if they're paying attention. Given that all his weapons have ridiculously large area of effects, Junkrat doesn't require any skill and keeps winning the fanbases most hated character lists.
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| *'''<s>Mcree</s> [[Cowboy|Cassidy]]''' - Bullshit incarnate, Cassidy is a close range gunslinger with can stun any enemy he want for an easy headshot. Consistently hated by fans from day 1, this characters insane damage and hard-to-counter stun grenade has made him a must pick due to the fact that a well-trained Cassidy can headshot across the map, meaning he can swap between close combat and sniper on a whim. Couple this with his ultimate which one shots any characters in his field of view, and it's no wonder why this character has become infamous for raping unaware enemy teams; ironic since his original name came from a rapist employee.
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| [[File:Mei+fat+cosplay.jpg|right|thumb|how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast]]
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| *'''Mei''' - She build the Shit Wall of [[China]] with her ice gun and the cuntiest cunt of them all. Overpowered Chinese cunt that somehow wasn't killed at birth (but should be), sometimes moonspeaking.
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| *'''[[ISIS|Pharah]]''' - Some cunt with explosive from an Islamic country, jihadist rip off. Needless to say it was very racist for the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". She also has no discernible personality other than raining her justice from above which definitely is some kind of vaginal juice spray innuendo.
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| *'''[[Black Lives Matter|Reaper]]''' - An accurate depiction of the average African American in the USA. | | *'''[[Black Lives Matter|Reaper]]''' - Blizzard finally replied to my emails and added my [[Original character|super cool edgy OC]], Reaper the darkflame shadow master. He's got two shotguns that he replaces instead of reloading, a teleport ability that takes way too long to use, and a phase mode where he can run to and from a fight without being hurt. His ultimate is a super cool tornado move where he shoots all the bad guys!!!1! Reaper is for [[faggots]], and is usually chosen by people who are [[trying too hard]] to be cool and different. |
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| *'''Soldier: 76''' - [[Faggot|Gay]] [[Call of Duty]] rip off. Comes in the flavors of Call of Duty and Call of Duty: Ghosts. | | *'''Soldier: 76''' - [[Faggot|Gay]] [[Call of Duty]] rip off. Comes in the flavors of Call of Duty and Call of Duty: Ghosts. |
