Epic Incest Dynasty

Josef Fritzl's incest dungeon is utterly pwned and destroyed by the antics of the Hapsbergs (AKA "Habsbergs"), the ruling house of Spain until the 18th Century. A parallel branch of the line ruled over Australia - coincidence? I think not. 4chan's favorite reading material will seem a shadow of its former glory upon contemplation of this glorious feat of genetic endeavor.

Make no mistake, this is not a case of "a challenger appears", this is a case of "all our chromosomes are belong to us."

Consanguinities will never be the same.

Family "tree"

The dynasty got off to a bad start when Philip I married Juana of Aragon, who was already known as "Juana the Mad" and later turned out to be a necrophiliac into the bargain. Juana (who was so insane that she was kept locked up in a castle) was also one of the four great-grandparents of Don Carlos, a prince and retarded psychopath who was also walled up alive due to, well, being a retarded psychopath who couldn't be let near the throne.

What you are looking at is several generations of inbreeding so determined that it takes a few minutes to get your head around it. Most of the dynasty's 11 marriages were between blood relatives, including several matches between first cousins and three between uncles and nieces. Perhaps this chart will help:

Additional details

• Philip I and Juana the Mad's daughter Catherine of Austria (sister of Charles V) married her own first cousin, John of Portugal (John of Portugal's mother was one of Charles V's sisters)
  • The daughter of Catherine and John was Maria Manuela, who later married Charles V's son Philip II (who shared both pairs of grandparents with her and was therefore her double first cousin)
• Charles V's wife Isabella was his first cousin (their mothers were sisters)
• John of Portugal's father was Isabella's brother
• Ferdinand I (son of Charles V) and his wife Anna of Bohemia/Hungary (who was also his cousin) had a son who became Ferdinand II
• Ferdinand II married his 16-year-old niece, Anna Juliana Gonzaga (making Ferdinand and Anna of Bohemia/Hungary the paternal grandparents of Anna Juliana)
  • (Ferdinand I and Anna of Bohemia and Hungary were also Anna Juliana's great-grandparents on her mother's side)
  • Ferdinand II and Anna Juliana's daughter, Anna of Tyrol, married her own first cousin, Matthias (later Emperor)
• Philip II’s maternal grandfather, Manuel I of Portugal, was a first cousin of Philip II’s own great-grandmother (on both the maternal and paternal side)
  • Philip II’s younger sister Maria of Spain married Maximilian II, who was their paternal cousin.
    • Maximilian II’s father was Ferdinand I, who was Philip II’s uncle
  • Philip II's daughter from his second marriage married her own maternal first cousin (who was also her paternal first cousin once removed), Albert VII of Austria
    • Albert VII of Austria was the son of Philip II's sister and Maximilian II, paternal first cousin of Philip II
    • Maximilian II’s father was Ferdinand I, brother of Charles V. (Charles V was father of Philip II and of Maximilian's wife, Maria of Spain.)
  • Philip II's third wife was Mary I of England (first cousin once removed, being the sister of both his grandmothers)
  • Philip II’s fourth wife, Anna of Austria, was a daughter of Maximilian II and Maria, and thus Philip’s niece.
    • Anna of Austria's brother was Albert VII (see above) who was therefore Philip II’s nephew, brother-in-law, and son-in-law.
• Philip III's wife (Margaret of Austria) was both his paternal second cousin and his first cousin once removed.

Notable members

Remember, these portraits were meant to be flattering, inspiring, and patriotic.

Some princess, bald and with huge facial birthmark Don't look into its eyes No, that picture wasn't taken at an angle Ferdinand I of Austria, totally retarded potato-head and famous for only speaking intelligibly once ("I'm the Emperor and I want dumplings") Dat chin Moar chin MOAR chin Most epic chin

The end result of all these shenanigans was King Carlos II, whose (inbred) father was his (inbred) mother's uncle, and his (inbred) grandmother was also his aunt. As a result, Carlos was a retard so grotesque that his portraits caused spontaneous miscarriages and turned milk sour. He had a huge tongue that couldn't fit properly in his mouth, despite having an underbite like a clown's pocket, all of which would have hindered his speech if he hadn't been nearly incapable of putting words together in the first place. By the time of his death in 1700, aged 39, he was bald and senile and spent most of the day twitching on the floor from epileptic seizures. By this time, Mother Nature had obviously had enough of such goings-on because Carlos was permanently sterile and/or impotent, which no doubt came as a great relief to both of his wives, and therefore Carlos was the last of his line.

Goodnight, sweet Prince

In popular culture

It seems likely that the sexploits of the Hapsbergs inspired the royals in Game of Thrones (see here) and the twisted family tree of the royal family in the game Crusader Kings II:

See also

• Chin-Chan who could do worse than marry into this family
• Hillbillies
• Incest
• Retards
• The Royal Family
• Spain