Yeti

Sasquatch IRL

Reported in China

Bigfoot sighted on British TV

Picture of the yeti (with pie in face) from King's Quest V.

The yeti, also known as the Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Your Mom or Shaq, is an extinct creature that existed at least 100 years ago. They used to wander around the Usenet forests of alt.bigfoot, until they were overrun last Thursday by the common dirty trolls of alt.syntax.tactical, and sacrificed to Cthulhu.

The trolls maintain that they needed the land for property development purposes.

Bigfoot Discovered, 2008

In the waning days of August 2008, two men claimed to have found the actual body of a Bigfoot in a Georgia forest. The two intrepid Bigfoot killers were Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, both members of the Law Enforcement Community (e.g. former prison guard and former sheriff's deputy).

These two people said they were "long time Bigfoot hunters", which everyone at first believed, until a check on WhoIs indicated their domain had been registered 45 minutes before they called a press conference to announce their find. This "red flag" was the first in a long series of red flags about this "find", because all serious Bigfoot researchers had set up a web site in 1995 back when GeoCities started offering free pages.

Matt and Rick offered no less than three different stories about how they came across the Bigfoot body in the North Georgia forest. First, they said they found it while they were out walking around. Second, they ran it over with their pickup truck. Third, the Bigfoot had been grown from an infant after they'd captured a female Bigfoot and made it their sex slave. During their single press conference they would drink beer and loudly insist on the truth of details randomly chosen from all three stories.

Due to the slowness of the news that week in August, every journalist who wasn't assigned to cover the Olympics in Beijing flew to North Georgia for the press conference, drank beer, and broadcast Matt and Rick's discovery to all 7,058 long-time Bigfoot researchers in the United States who immediately proclaimed the find a hoax.

	“	Discovery? It's a hoax. It's a Halloween costume in a box.	„
	—Matt Moneymaker, president and founder of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization.

	“	Eat me, dipshit.	„
	—Whitton

Rather than present their Bigfoot body at the press conference and immediately settle the question, Matt and Rick instead solemnly presented a single Polaroid photo of a folded gorilla costume in a beer cooler and also a jar of what later turned out to be Matt Whitton's urine with a masking tape label that said "bigfot" (sic). They also swore on their own grandmother's grave that they knew where the Bigfoot body was.

On the strength of this evidence, long-time Bigfoot researcher William Wald Lett Jr. offered Matt and Rick $50,000 for the alleged body of the ape-man. Lett was the middle-man in this historic deal commissioned on behalf of long-time Bigfoot researcher Tom Biscardi. Biscardi swore to Mr. Lett that he’d repay the loan at 50 percent interest within 90 days.

Naturally, the best place to present such an astounding cryptozoological find was in a parking lot, and it was there where a beer cooler full of ice was quickly loaded onto William Wald Lett Jr.'s waiting pickup truck.

Matt and Rick swore on their mommas to Mr. Lett that there absolutely was a Bigfoot body in the beer cooler. Satisfied, Mr. Lett presented them with a cashier's check for $50,000. Upon receiving the check, Matt and Rick immediately sped off in their 1985 Subaru, hollering and screaming the rebel yell while holding their check out the window as they drove down the street, leaving Mr. Lett to drive home and thaw out the body.

Mr. Biscardi had once had a couple beers with Matt and Rick in a hunting lodge, and thought they seemed "trustworthy". He was greatly surprised and distressed to find that his $50,000 beer cooler contained ice, a dead possum which had been run over by a truck, and several empties of MGD.

Biscardi and Lett immediately called Matt Whitton's house. Matt said he was "sorry" and that he "didn't mean nothing by it". Matt also said "They's a dead leprechaun jes' sitting off I-95 - I kin take y'alls to it ef yuh want."

Yeti Sightings

The only kind of people to report sightings of big foot are the batshit insane and drunks.

See also

• The SkiFree Yeti
• Cryptids

Links

Real video evidence of Bigfoot BALEETED

The Yeti - Lest we forget

The trolls

Yeti is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.