Company of Heroes

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Company of Heroes is a game series produced by Lelic Entertainment, that, until the sequel came out, was known for exciting tactical multiplayer combat that separated itself from other micro-heavy APM clickfests. It also atleast TRIED to portray all factions in a slightly heroic way, and how brave soldiers suffered in the war. Both games either way always had ridiculous balancing problems, dueto incompetent developers that didn't give a rats ass about the overcrowded balancing forums. Nowadays this game only keeps itself relevant by releasing more paywall DLC to a disgruntled fanbase full of raging axis fanboys and braindamaged allies sympathizers.

Company of Heroes

Actual gameplay footage

The penetration power of german steel

CoH is an RTS that imitates WW2 by putting units with ridiculous uniforms, which sometimes look more like snowmen or neon-green latex onto the field, where they shoot barely-lethal yellow laser beams at each other until one decides to fall over and die. They also tend to shout and scream a lot and have stupid one-liners ready for every situation. Gamewise it's a continuation of the "capture zones and reinforce units" - system from the previous game Dawn of War, which in turn seemlingy incorporated ideas from the old Bitmap Brothers game "Z". You basically send units to their near death and then push the retreat button to add new cannonfodder at the base. You keep doing this until either you or the enemy has lost so many units and territory that either side will be pushed off the map. By putting your stupid infantry behind cover, you can prolong their short lifespan by a few minutes. Simple really.

Unfortunately, the entire game is built upon RANDOMNESS. Sometimes a unit hits, sometimes it doesn't. A lot of times your tanks don't hit, your units get stuck, your infantry runs around like headless chicken, your expensive artillery shell can't hit the broadside of a barn and so on. At certain times, entire squads are wiped out by a single artillery shell and make the enemy player ragequit. The longer a battle lasts, the more frustrating these events become. It is no wonder that CoH players can be some of the most infuriated gamers of all time. The levels of rage this game causes are phenomenal.

Multiplayer was once the main selling point of the game. It is split into two modes, "Victory Points" and "Annihilation". However, since the playerbase is too retarded to play VP mode, everyone only plays "Annihilation", which is literally just team deathmatch. The game used to run on Relic Servers, but the provider shut them down because Ubisoft bought them up, so Relic had to force players to enter their keys on Steam to keep playing on Steam servers. The new client that was needed ruined the entire online experience with constant crashes and connection drops. Nobody plays CoH multiplayer anymore thanks to this.

Axis always ruled supreme over Allies dueto more unit versatility and a broken veterancy system.

The game had two expansion packs, "Opposing Fronts" and "Tales of Valor", one bringing two new factions while the other gave you shitty campaigns and worthless replacement units. Standalone though, which made it possible to unlock all multiplayer content at once.

Factions, units and all the other garbage

The main difference to CoH 2 is that each faction is capable of choosing from three different doctrines that allowed for new strategies. It also wasn't behind a shitty paywall, so that's a plus.

This was probably written by a German

Units & doctrines

All you need to know.

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• US Army - These guys rely on spamming riflemen and piss-weak tanks in the hopes of making uncle Sam proud. As soon as anything bigger than a Panzer IV arrives, they run away.

Doctrines	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Infantry Company - The absolutely most generic doctrine available. Makes it possible for riflemen to be spammed and build annoying tank traps, while you call in the wannabe tough guy Rangers with OP Tommie guns and near useless bazookas. You can also spam off-map artillery that never hits anything, or call in even more spam with off-map reinforcements, which are the biggest letdown in RTS history. They shove in machinguns and armored cars into a late game ability, only to have them get overrun by Panthers and AT guns. There's also a howitzer, but nobody ever builds that piece of shit.

• Airborne Company - When you're so lazy that you can't even build an AT gun anymore, that you call it in with an air drop. Used to be the most insanely OP doctrine thanks to P47 strafing runs that would wipe out half of the German Army in one go. Today it only tickles and stuns. The bombing run is expensive and useless and the recon plane is a waste of munitions. There's also a call in drop that gives the player free ammo, fuel, mortar and a machinegun. This usually litters the entire base with unused guns, as nobody in their right mind would pick up a murrican mortar. Oh yeah, there are also Airborne rangers, but they're garbage.

• Tank Company - The only reason anyone picks this one is for the Calliope rocket launchers. Nobody that wants to win the game ever chooses the Pershing path first. For hilarity's sake you can spam jeeps.

• Engineer Squad - Big buff dudebros that fight like little girls. They can set explosive charges on buildings and bridges, but nobody ever uses that, because it would take away munitions from the off-map artillery spam. Eventhough they are THREE guys they almost never win against TWO pioneers.

• Riflemen Squad - Six rednecks that suck ass at long range fights, take forever to get any veterancy and are constantly mowed down by MG42s. They are spammed left and right because otherwise every single axis unit outclasses them until they get the BAR upgrade, where when they die like before, they give free bars to the Wehrmacht. Also Conrad can't tie his boots.

• Ranger Squad - The only infantry that has bazookas. Most US players seem to enjoy spamming this super expensive infantry unit and putting it into a huge blob, then letting them all die so the regular rifleman can pick up the bazookas. They suck shit against tanks and without the Thompson gun upgrade they're useless against infantry. They only pose a danger when they've reached vet 3, when they finally become unstopable Terminators. But that won't ever happen in your lifetime.

• Airborne Squad - A bunch of faggots equipped with peashooters and explosives. They always lose against other infantry, but are so special, they somehow time-warp recoiless anti-tank rifles from the Korean War into late 1944. Expensive as hell, but can be reinforced anywhere on the map. Crammed together into huge anti-tank blobs that can even destroy a King Tiger.

• HMG Team - A MG that can't suppress but can kill light vehicles if you got extra ammo. Reduces your capping power to near nothing because you can't build riflemen without wasting more fuel for barracks now.

• Mortar Team - A 60mm mortar that has no range, is easily killed and is never used by anyone except when there are MGs and bunkers all over the place.

• Sniper - Ultra-fragile tryhard sharpshooter with a mobile cloaking device. Best used when spammed, because he gets vet easily. The only allied infantry unit that makes enemies ragequit.

• Jeep - Does no damage. Used for hunting Kettenkrads and annoying pios during breakfast. Can cap points with the Armor Company, but nobody uses that.

• M3 Halftrack - Only used for reinforcing riflemen blobs, has a useless 50cal and is extremely fragile. Can be upgraded to a quad-cannon as long range support, which then gets one-shot by an invisible Pak38.

• M8 Greyhound - Plants mini-nukes that instant-kill almost everything, including the car itself when a mortar round lands next to it while it's planting. Can also shoot stuff, but is rather bad at doing so.

• T17 Armored Car - The retarded step-brother of the Greyhound.

• M10 Tank Destroyer - A glass cannon that instead of using machineguns to kill infantry, has a secret gravity well generator that pulls up people next to it and crushes them instantly.

• M18 Hellcat - Useless tank destroyer that does NO damage, can cloak but gets spotted all the time anyway. Comes with an MG, but has no gravity well generator installed, so it can't do ANYTHING right.

• M4 Sherman - Takes a bunch of hits, then uses the smoke canisters to run away like a bitch. Has several upgrades like a mineflail that slices nazis into gibs or smoke canisters, which both nobody uses. Upgrading to the long gun makes it a infantry sniper. This tank is all about murdering infantry, which brings us to...

• M4 Crocodile Sherman - ... this thing. 110 fuel for a weak-ass flamethrower that can't kill anything. Up to this day nobody knows what this thing is even useful for.

• M26 Pershing - A weak-ass Tiger knock-off with bigger splash damage.

• Sherman Calliope - "Just fuck my shit up" - THE unit. Wipes out entire armies effortlessly. Used to be able to also use the main gun, but was nerfed so murricans don't call in Shermans with rocket launchers that cost no fuel.

• Machine Gun Emplacement - Easy to kill MG nest with an annoyingly wide range.

• Medic Station - Creates zombies from the wounded.

• M2 105mm Howitzer - Expensive, easy to blow up, never hits anything, but shoots across the entire map.

• 57mm AT Gun - Does more damage than the Pak 38 counterpart, but has no cloaking device installed, so it gets murdered by just about anything.

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• Commonwealth - The cancer of CoH. The absolute worst failure in game mechanics of all time. Come with free indestructable trenches, emplacements and artillery spam. These assholes even received great orchestreal music.

Doctrines	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Royal Canadian Artillery - Artillery spam all day erryday.

• Royal Commandos - Commando spam 24/7.

• Royal Engineers Support - Churchills. That's about it.

• Infantry Section - A bunch of bullet sponges that move like snails while in enemy territory. You can give them a recon upgrade that gives them a sniper kit that costs ammo per shot and makes the movement like NORMAL infantry. You can give these wankers rifle grenades, but they won't hit anything with them at all, so the typical upgrade is of course the machinegun. Overall these unkillable fucks don't scale very well into the late game at all. They always need a babysitting Lieutenant with them at all times, otherwise they can't move or get veterancy and typically get mowed down.

• Sappers - Why the ONLY unit that can repair and is not a overpowered bullet sponge is at tier 2 will always be a mystery.

• Commandos - Tough little bastards that randomly plant explosives everywhere and are pretty gud at killing stuff and running away like little bitches with smoke grenades. They used to be able to crash land their glider into the enemy base and blow up the enemy HQ with charges, but this was patched out and reduced lulz massively.

• PIAT Commandos - Garbage, nobody builds them.

• HMG Commandos - The only mobile machine gun unit of the tea-drinking island monkeys. Nobody builds them either way.

• Mortar Commandos - You got mortar emplacements, heavy artillery, why the FUCK would you EVER build THESE GUYS?!

• Captain - Gives a useless defense bonus and is always the first to die in combat.

• Lieutenant - Gives veterancy and speed to nearby units. Easy as fuck to kill and another reason why Brits always play Sim City.

• Bren Carrier - Extremely annoying Pioneer-murdering combat transport that is always used for abusive tactics and not for straight combat.

• Stuart Light Tank - A shotgun that looks like a tank. Drives next to a blob of nazis and kills them all with a single shot ability. Why the commonly American-built and used Stuart is with the British forces is something that has never been explained.

• Tetrarch Tank - A pathetic call-in tank that you can upgrade with a barely-less pathetic gun.

• Kangaroo Carrier - A once unkillable broken piece of shit replacement unit transport that has a huge hole in the top where infantry fires out. Everyone just built 2 or 3 carriers, put all their sappers and infantry into them, and ran past a bunch of enemy tanks and defenses. They destroyed EVERYTHING, nothing was safe from them. They were also literally unkillable. It took more than a YEAR for Lelic to fix this game-breaking piece of shit. After it was nerfed, nobody ever played this unit again and Cromwell tanks became a common sight again.

• Cromwell Tank - A rather generic tank that doesn't really do anything remarkable and is slightly stronger than a Sherman, but sucks pretty bad against infantry.

• Sherman Firefly - The ultimate glass cannon. Fucks up every single German tank with its ridiculous range and damage on the field, but can't do ANYTHING against infantry.

• Cromwell Command Tank - The only time anyone ever builds this thing is when said person doesn't have the expansion installed or someone really wants him to build this heap of junk in a teamgame. Works like a Lieutenant for tanks, except the tank has NO CANNON.

• Churchill Tank - Soaks up damage, but really isn't much of a threat otherwise.

• Churchill AVRE - The blob destroyer of the Brits, when said player refuses to build artillery.

• Churchill Crocodile - A Churchill with a flamethrower. Way too expensive.

• Vickers Machine Gun Emplacement - Fucking pain in the ass MG nest that takes lots and lots of Panzerschreck- or mortar fire and can deny an entire point for several minutes. Used to be unkillable, but thank god it was fixed.

• 3" Mortar Emplacement - British players build a Sim City next to it, and then it continues to fuck up your infantry for the rest of the game until you finally destroy it with a suicide rush.

• Bofors 40mm Cannon - Makes all armored cars and non-AT infantry useless.

• 17 Pounder AT Gun - Fucks up tanks with no remorse.

• 25 Pounder Gun Howitzer - Pray to god that the enemy Brit is not using these together with the Artillery doctrine.

• Casualty Clearing Station - Tea-sipper Zombie creator. Is never in range to pick up any dead bodies because they need that thing next to their mobile HQ at all times.

• Detector for Radio Triangulation - Oh yeah let's just put a triangle across the map so you can see stuff, it's not like the Krauts aren't basically everywhere trying to find ways to deny access to their territory. Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?

• Priest Self-Propelled Artillery - 25 Pounder not enough of a pain in the ass? Here's the American artillery piece that kills even more stuff.

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• Wehrmacht - The only reason why this game has so many fans. Axis fanboy faggotry knows no bounds. The Wehraboos have the biggest diversity of units, the most powerful tanks, the snarkiest one-liners, the most overpowered veterancy system and the most rewarding skill trees. Unless a team consists of utter retards, they always win in huge battles.

Doctrines	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Defensive Doctrine - You ever felt like spamming bunkers, mines and lots of infantry was your thing? Then this doctrine is for you. You can reinforce infantry right at any bunker at any time, give them a huge sight boost, defensive bonuses, extremely deadly rocket artillery and a FUCKING FLAK 88 that snipes stuff across half the map. And if the enemy is trying to take your shit, just call in a extra fast defensive arty strike that fucks up hordes of infantry in 3 seconds. There are also base MGs, but they became useless.

• Blitzkrieg Doctrine - Volksgrenadiers aren't killing enough already? Give them a grenade spam ability that stuns too. You don't want to build grenadiers? Get a bunch of cstormtroopers with camouflage that carry assault rifles and Panzerschrecks and cause massive rage with a bundled grenade. Still not satisfied? Get a mobile Howitzer that blows up the already useless allied defensive positions in one shot. You want more? Get a fucking TIGER tank and mow down almost everything like a supreme Übermensch. There's also a ressource boost that cripples your economy and a crappy all units - rush boost.

• Terror Doctrine - You don't like microing your infantry, but you want them to be even more badass? Give them a passive stats boost, then fire up another assault boost. Scare away your enemies with propaganda leaflets at the most critical point in the game to make them ragequit, throw firestorms and tactical wannabe-nukes around and last but not least, get a huge ass KING TIGER that you can only call in once, which is near indestructible. That thing was once a Tiger Ace, a reskinned grey Tiger I, but then they figured, that it's not cool enough for the average Wehraboo. This is the "I have no fucking idea what i'm doing, but I want to blow shit up anyway" - doctrine.

• Pioneers - VAT WUNSCHEN SIE, WADDAYA WANT?! Equip with flamethrowers and spam them for maximum win.

• Volksgrenadier Squad - A bunch of weaklings, retards and a seasoned vet, yet they don't call it Volkssturm for some reason. Surprisingly useful unit though. Costs almost nothing to reinforce, is always there to be transformed into Zombie Grenadiers and can be equipped with MP40s for extra pain. The most useful cannonfodder of all time.

• Grenadier Squad - Drugged up, badass Kraut methhead motherfuckers that always die to grenades. They also look like snowmen in their weird, distorted uniforms.

• Stormtrooper Squad - Waffen SS infantry that can camo and blow shit up wherever they go. Unfortunately very squishy and expensive.

• Knight's Cross Holders - Nazi Übermenschen that serve no purpose whatsoever. They also take forever to reinforce and a single Sherman destroys them in seconds.

• MG42 Heavy Machine Gun Team - Makes riflemen and Tommies shit their pants.

• Gr.34 81mm Mortar Team - Outranges every single other mortar in the game, balanced.

• Sniper - Not as good as the American one, but gets the job done.

• Officer - The only reason you build this guy is so you can spam Panthers in 30 seconds. NOTHING else.

• Motorcycle - Squishy unit that nobody uses anymore, except for the rare sniper hunt.

• Schwimmwagen - The superior replacement unit of the motorcycle. Makes the old one obsolete, because for a little increase of manpower you get a much tougher unit that also can drive in reverse, which increases its survivability.

• SdKfz 234 Armored Car - Cheap as chips infantry exterminator. Can be upgraded with a bigger gun to not only snipe infantry but also fuck up Shermans. Has a passive dodge bonus that makes them extra hard to hit.

• SdKfz 251 Half-track - Support unit with a useless machinegun. Reinforces infantry around it and can be transformed into a flamethrower that never kills anything. Can be transformed into a "Walking Stuka" that completely wipes the floor with its rockets.

• StuG IV - A near-useless mobile anti tank gun that serves as a desperate solution against tank spam. Only used for distraction.

• StuH 42 - Mobile howitzer that fucks up just about anything that's not a tank.

• Geschutzwagen - The StuG replacement that hits hard, comes with a free MG and is quity squishy. Still a rather rare sight, as everyone rather saves up for a Panzer 4.

• Panzer IV - Allround solution for every problem, but tank spam. Annihilates infantry like nothing.

• Ostwind - AA tank that makes infantry obsolete. In case you need an even better solution against infantry spam.

• Panther - The tank to end all tanks. Weak against infantry.

• Tiger - Reliving the Tiger myth, one tank wreck at a time.

• King Tiger - Near indestructible fortress of death. One time call-in only, unfortunately.

• Bunker - Cannot be killed without explosives or tank shells. Can house units in it, like an additional MG. Can be upgraded for lousy 50 munitions to a MG bunker, a zombie generator or a repair station that needs to micromanagement at all. Totally not OP as shit.

• Nebelwerfer - Burns the ground, but fires so slowly and noisy that everyone dodges it.

• Pak 38 50mm Anti-tank Gun - Can camo, gets a first shot bonus and is dirt-cheap. Solves every tank problem.

• 88mm Flak 36 - Snipes across half the map and trashes enemy tanks like nothing. Favourite target for artillery thought. Combine with a MG bunker for maximum safety.

• Goliath - Hide next to a wall, let enemy infantry walk next to it. Profit.

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• Panzer Elite - A Waffen SS Panzergrenadier unit renamed for Political correctness that actually lacks some goddamn Panzers. Like the Americans this faction relies heavily on spamming the same goddamn infantry unit into infinity.

Doctrines	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Scorched Earth Tactics - A bunch of annoying abilities that consist of setting lots of traps on points and buildings, which blow up enemy soldiers. There's also some useless defensive artillery that never hits anything, a mobile artillery piece that tries way too hard to impress anyone and a bunch gimmicky, near worthless area denial abilities.

• Luftwaffe Tactics - If you don't feel like spamming Panzergrenadiers all day long, but instead want a cool-ass collection of Fallschirmjägers and AA guns that you probably will never use. There's also the Henschel anti-tank plane, which misses every single shot and is the laughing stock of the Panzer Elite. You can also drop little mines that really piss off enemy players.

• Tank Destroyer Tactics - The only reason anyone seriously plays this is to get the double Schrecks and the Jagdpanther.

• Panzer Grenadiers - Tryhard Grenadiers that need several upgrades over the entire game to stay viable. They're only good at what they're doing when spammed in masses. They can repair stuff and construct buildings, which makes them like barely better pioneers.

• Assault Grenadiers - When you don't have ammo for normal Panzergrenadier upgrades, you build these guys that can do only one job.

• Tank Busters - When you don't have ammo for normal Panzergrenadier upgrades, you build these guys that can do only one job. They also drop their weapons all the time and make it extra easy for Americans to steal your shit and destroy your tanks.

• Fallschirmjäger Squad - The suicide squad.

• Luftwaffe Ground Forces - Weak-ass Volksgrenadiers that can't fight, but repair a little better than other units. They also build all the AA guns.

• Kettenkrad - The iconic joke unit of the entire game. A dude in a tracked motorcycle that captures points and has varying extra abilities. Can set bombs, become invisible or use a pathetic repair ability depending on which tactics you chose. Used for pushing off enemy infantry from fuel points so they can't cap it. Great exploit. Can be used to drive up to an enemy base while invisible, so that all your Wehrmacht allies can shoot V1's and artillery on it.

• Schwimmwagen - Kettenkrad replacement. OP because it can tread rivers easily and therefor cap points on the other map at the start of the game. Can mark targets, which is essentially an aimbot for your units, plant mines and plant incendiary bombs. Why does anyone use the Kettenkrad anymore?

• Scout Car - A pathetic armored car that can't take any damage and is able to cap points. It can also hunker down and work as a ressource point, which is about the only useful ability this thing has.

• Infantry Halftrack - Used for Schreck-driveby shootings. Apparently Germans fought like niggas in Detroit.

• Munitions Halftrack - A halftrack that makes it possible for Panzergrenadiers to throw more AT and Firegrenades faster, oh wow. Used to be able to plant Goliath bombs, but instead has useless basic mines now.

• Funkwagen Vampire Halftrack - Not funky at all. Can steal ressources, an ability NOBODY USES. The only reason this unit still EXISTS is because Relic gave the Goliath bomb to it AFTERWARDS.

• Mortar Halftrack - Expensive, fragile and super annoying. Burns down entire map sections with napalm.

• Light Armored Car - Another armored car with a 20mm cannon that also takes no damage at all. It's like a weak Puma.

• Light AT Halftrack - The unironic sniper of the Panzer Elite. Activate its snipe ability and it actually one shots infantry and cripples tanks. Overlooked, quirky little fun unit.

• Marder III Tank Hunter - Long range, mobile PAK that is double the size of the real thing and is also fragile. See a pattern here?!

• Panzer IV Infantry Support Tank - A short-barrel Panzer 4 with no armor plating. Only useful against the most basic infantry blobs.

• Hotchkiss Light Tank - A replacement for the Panzer 4. A self-inserted forced meme joke tank that only has one useful trait, it can fire rockets. Absolutely dogshit otherwise.

• Panther - To unlock it you need to build a crapton of buildings and then finally you have to gather a huge load of manpower, because this thing only comes in pairs without any armor plating. They also stick out on the field like a thorn and are THE number one target for enemy AT guns. Literally the only real tanks of the entire faction.

• Wirbelwind Flakpanzer - A really shitty Ostwind.

• Hetzer - A really shitty StuG wannabe.

• Jagdpanther - Put three defensive veterancy upgrades on this thing and watch as it rolls over everything.

• Goliath Tracked Mine - Got some spare ammo and you really wanna make your enemy ragequit like a boss? Well too bad, you have to build a Funkwagen first.

• Bergetiger Repair and Recovery Vehicle - Reconstructs and repairs destroyed tanks on the spot. Can be abused to create multiple super heavy tanks in one game.

• Flakvierling 38 20mm AA - Infantry annihilator that gets decrewed and stolen all the time.

• 88mm Flak 36 AT/AA - A weaker Flak 88, dueto circumstances regarding the fragile nature of the Panzer Elite.

• Hummel Self Propelled Artillery - Whenever you need it, you don't have it.

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The campaigns

The Panzer Elite at its best

• Battle of Normandy - You replay "Saving Private Ryan" and blow up secret V2 bases n' shit and murder some poor guy in a tank.

• Liberation of Caen - You sip tea all day and slowly grind through tedious long missions.

• Operation Market Garden - You play a bunch of stormfront brothers that wtfpwn the Brits in holland, no weed though. Also your bro dies.

• The mini-campaigns - They all fucking sucked. LOL direct aim for units, what a fucking selling point for expansion. It was never seen again in the sequel. What a great feature.

Company of Heroes 2

CoH 2 shows how Russian commanders encouraged anal-probing

Following the purchase of Lelic by Sega and the rights to both the Dawn of War and CoH series, the sequel was released way too early in a bug-ridden state. The game itself was a unplayable, unoptimized mess and it took over one year of bugfixing to make the game actually somewhat enjoyable again. The only thing that is truly good about the game, is the graphics, because everyone knows that the road to success in any RTS game is graphics, so they fucked up the rest of the game, and had good graphics, enjoy the graphics.

Eventhough the game was released five years after the original and runs on almost the same engine, it barely looks better and it runs four times worse. What's playable now is almost a different game than what it was at the original release and the balancing and flow is much worse than in the previous game. Let's not forget that the new voice actors are all terrible and have corny lines. Also, the entire product is segmented into standalone DLC, you literally have to buy EVERYTHING.

Multiplayer is heavily biased towards whatever new faction was recently added (in this case, the British) and broken units run rampant for weeks, even months. It nows runs entirely over Steam, so enjoy the server crashes. Compared to the original, there is also a heavy focus on artillery spam and fucking up each other with mortar strikes. The addition of "true sight" made the randomness of the unit behaviour even more frustrating, as sometimes a tiny fucking bush can hinder your tank from doing a killing shot. There was also a so-called "ColdTech" system implemented, which made your units freeze to death in a snowstorm, unless you built fires for 100 manpower each. It slowed the game down for anyone who played infantry-heavy. Meanwhile, a vehicle spammer could just plow through the snow and fuck up your units as they got stuck in snow while retreating. Lelic finally removed this garbage feature from Multiplayer in the latest patches.

Factions, commanders and all the other Pay2Win bullshit

CoH 2 is riddled with DLC. They split up every faction into dozens of weird "commanders", which are basically severally limited self-unlocking tech trees from the previous game which cost around 5 bucks each. Expecting to get one via a random drop is about as likely as winning the million dollar lottery. You can also collect shitty items that give little bonuses, which are so unimportant that they are not worth mentioning.

Fact

Units & doctrines

All there is to know about a game with horrible balance.

[Click to closeClick to open]

• US Forces - If you thought Riflemen spam was bad in CoH 1, you haven't seen these fuckers yet. Their tech tree is so pathetic and split over DLC, they can't even build Jeeps. Rely solely on spam, mostly doctrinal Elite units like Rangers or Airborne. If you're lucky you might get to see a single Sherman at the end of the game.

Commanders	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Test Commander

• Test Squad -

• Test vehicle -

• M10 Tank Destroyer -

• M10 Tank Destroyer -

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• United Kingdom Forces - The cancer of CoH, version 2.0. Now with more OP units and less indestructable trenches. They make Wehraboos cry in their sleep.

Commanders	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Soon -

• Infantry Section -

• Bren Carrier -

• Test -

• Test -

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• Soviet Union - -.

Commanders	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Soon

• Combat Engineer Squad - A bunch of rather useless slavshits that can only do "some" damage from far away. If they get anywhere near an enemy they die instantly. Only used for planting mines, wire & explosives and maybe for the flamethrower, but they're really not good for anything combat-wise.

• Conscript Infantry Squad - Cannonfodder. Nothing else.

• Scout Sniper Squad - Two men, or wimmenz that, thanks to all the vodka, shoot worse than the Kraut counterpart, but atleast they won't be instantly killed by a stray shot (don't count on it). Can fire a flare at Vet 1 to scout an area so all your American and British buttbuddies can launch their artillery strikes of doom.

• Penal Battalion - The less shitty conscript alternative. Unfortunately they have no real AT solution, but they can throw satchel charges that blow up small buildings in an instant. You can turn them into pyromaniacs that annihilate most crew based weapons. Fortunately most Soviets rather spam MG and Mortars, so the Axis MGs are rather safe from them.

• M3A1 Scour Car - Has a good MG that can do quite some support damage early game, but literally gets blown the fuck up by just a single Panzerfaust and a few rifle bullets. If you put infantry into it with flamethrowers, you might be able to scare some dumb noob with it. Any pro Axis player will put that little lend-lease car back into Stalin's butthole though.

• StuG - -

• Bunker -

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• Wehrmacht (Ostheer) - Eastern front Krauts. Same shit as the previous game, except without any Schwimmwagen, motorcycles or broken veterancy. Since the OKW were introduced, the Wehrmacht has lost its position as the Wehraboos favourite faction. Sad times. Rely heavily on mixed armies, as all their units have some pain in the ass hidden drawback.

Commanders	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Festung Armor Doctrine -

• Festung Support Doctrine -

• Jaeger Armor Doctrine -

• Jaeger Infantry Doctrine -

• Assault Support Doctrine -

• Jaeger Armor Doctrine -

• Spearhead Doctrine -

• Joint Operations Doctrine -

• Storm Doctrine -

• Fortified Armor Doctrine -

• Lightning War Doctrine -

• Pioneers - Typical maintenance-dudes with MP40s. Can build all the important stuff you need and fight like sissies. As long as nobody actually fires at them directly (... yeah right ...), they can deal quite a lot of damage, especially if you give them a flamethrower for the regular barbecue event. Repair at SANIC speed when they vet.

• Osttruppen - Pathetic Volksgrenadier wannabes. Usually low-cost cannonfodder that's only used for stealing all the dropped crap from the enemy and picking up what's left of the dumbfuck mortar crew. Basically your very own trashmen. Vet up quite fast as soon as they get their hands on a better weapon, which makes them OKAY at long range fights.

• Grenadiers - Generic mainstream infantry. Can take more of a beating than Panzergrenadiers, but their overall weaponry makes them weak as fuck against any kind of Elite infantry. Can shoot a noobtube that wipes out entire squads and houses filled with MGs or use a Panzerfaust to cause a scratch on a light vehicle. When you give them a LMG42, expect them to be constantly overrun by close combat infantry.

• Assault Grenadiers - Spamable grenadiers with MP40s. Don't scale into late game at all and suck even worse than Osttruppen.

• Panzergrenadiers - The playground bullies. Can dish out tons of damage, but can't take it, at all. Were never used for anything, other than their double Panzerschrecks, until they lowered the reinforcement costs. Same rule applies here as with the pios, as long as nobody actually shoots at them they can steamroll anything.

• Stormtroopers - Panzergrenadiers that completely drain your manpower and ammo reserves. Can be spawned at any empty house, but only have rifles. So they're basically they same shit as the Fallschirmjägers in CoH 1, except they take forever to get their STG44's and can only carry ONE Panzerschreck.

• MG42 Heavy Machine Gun Team - Same as always, kills almost everything with two feet, even has a vehicle kill switch now, which shoots white laz0r bullets that also do extra damage... and yet it's totally useless against Elite unit spam.

• GrW 34 Mortar Team - Mortar crew that mostly does an okay job of destroying MGs until they get buttfucked by Elite troops and take their sweet-ass time to undeploy. When they vet up they get a much better range, but when does that ever happen.

• Sniper - One man troll army. Absolute Übermensch that occassionally soaks his bullets in hellfire to burn several slavshits in one hit. Pure lulz if he reaches Vet 3. Fragile as shit though.

• Artillery Field Officer - Absolute dogshit.

• SdKfz 251 Halftrack - The generic mobile spawn point, like in the previous game. Can be used to deploy extremely hardcore anti-tank mines with the right doctrine. Other than that it has a flamethrower upgrade that nobody uses, because it shuts off the reinforcement ability, which makes you wonder what the fuck the point of a glass cannon flamethrower vehicle is that could theoretically be destroyed by any kind of machinegun.

• SdKfz 222 Scout Car - Used to have only a machinegun at the start, but was automatically upgraded to the cannon version. It's so fragile that just looking at it the wrong way makes it explode. Free scrap for any OKW partner. Might kill a sniper or something that's about as fragile as itself.

• Sd.Kfz. 234 'Puma' Armored Car - Poor man's emergency anti-tank solution, gets lucky sniper shots at infantry though. Might kill a halftrack before it drives into an AT gun or bazooka riflemen blob. Used to be able to be called in without any fuel costs, but was nerfed into oblivion. Doesn't help that it comes only with a garbage Commander that relies on crap units.

• Panzerwerfer 42 Multiple Rocket Launcher - A poor man's "Walking Stuka" that is never used and is a pathetic Katyusha counterpart. Might get a lucky hit on infantry, and that's about it.

• Opel Blitz Cargo Truck - When you don't want to play the game and instead sit on ressources. No matter where you place this thing to suck on ressources, it always gets overrun by a random scout squad.

• SdKfz 250/7 Mortar Halftrack - Expensive as fuck mortar crew that can fire napalm rounds that they stole from Vietnam. Destroy this thing early in the game and it's GG.

• 250 Halftrack - A near worthless contraption that has no weaponry on it, but comes with a LMG42-equipped Grenadier squad. It's squishy as fuck and never survives any kind of firefight, it also tends to burn 3/4 of the guys in side when it explodes, so you might aswell throw it in the garbage after calling it in. Can be used to fast-cap certain points and you could theoretically put in a flamethrower pioneer squad, except that everyone inside is completely unprotected and the car's AI is so bad that it never drives like it should.

• StuG III Ausf. E Assault Gun - When you're so pathetic that you can't even afford the StuG with the long gun.

• StuG III Ausf. G Assault Gun - Cheap tank destroyer. Can cripple tanks, but is absolutely horrendous against infantry.

• Flakpanzer IV Ostwind - Glass cannon that mows down infantry hordes and light vehicles like nothing.

• Panzer IV Medium Tank - Jack of all trades that gets curbstomped by heavy tanks, but is an absolute nightmare for infantry.

• Panzer IV Command Tank - Short-barreled call in P4 that gives units around it some bonuses and is pretty good at keeping infantry off a victory point. Scares off small tanks at best. Used to be able to be called in without fuel costs, but was nerfed, so use of it is usually only for last ditch efforts.

• Sturmpanzer IV "Brummbär" - Nukes the fuck out of riflemen blobs. Wipes the floor with any entrenched infantry and can even go toe-to-toe with a tank destroyer. 10/10 would bang.

• Panther PzKpfw V Medium Tank - The only reason people build this thing is because it can deflect shots with its sloped armor. Sucks dick against infantry.

• Tiger PzKpfw VI - The armored sponge. Sucks up loads of damage, expensive as fuck and really brings out pain.

• Elefant Heavy Tank Destroyer - Tank annihilator, though rather fragile. Usually makes axis players cheer as soon as it hits the field, only to be reminded that a you controls it, and loses it in the first 5 minutes.

• Bunker - No concrete bunker, so it's easily destroyed, and no automatic repair point either, so nobody builds the thing outside the base. Only used as a medic station, WHICH IS ITS ONLY VIABLE USE.

• PaK40 75mm Anti-Tank Gun - Does the job, but can't cloak like in CoH 1. Usually is really helpless against tanks like the Churchill.

• Pak 43 Emplacement - Does not autorotate like the good old Flak88, so nobody uses that piece of shit. Also has a pathetic cone of fire, so it needs CONSTANT micromanagement.

• leFH 18 Artillery - Lovely bringer of pain. Huge manpower investment, but the payoff is ridiculous. Shoots dozens of artillery rounds at the enemy base that never hit anything you actually want to hit. Gets an even larger range when it vets. Causes the enemy to go apeshit as soon as the rounds land right next to their HQ.

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• Oberkommando West - 1944 Western front Nutzis with mobile HQs, mixed with Waffen SS units. The new cool crew for the average Wehraboo. Used to have a 66% ressource income, but were pushed back to 100%, which made them OP as fuck. Relic "balanced" it by heavily increasing the costs of the OKW units. Hard hitting, but not as mobile as the Panzer Elite, the OKW is all about fucking shit up and then making sure it never gets back up. Well, that is until they introduced the British...

Doctrines	Infantry	Vehicles	Tanks	Misc

• Special Operations Doctrine - Grenade spam, shitty upgrades for Obersoldaten and a flare for scouting. Meh.

• Luftwaffe Ground Forces Doctrine - A garbage starter doctrine that you only, and ONLY, get for the MG34.

• Breakthrough Doctrine - Panzerfüsilier spam all day erryday. If you get sick of Volksgrenadiers and all the other basic shit, you can switch to this doctrine and make murricans ragequit with long range infantry and a nearly unkillable tank destroyer.

• Elite Armored Doctrine - It used to be the only way to get Panzer 4's before they patched it and put the never-ever-used Sturmtiger in as a replacement. The only reason anyone uses this doctrine is to get the Sturmtiger now.

• Scavenge Doctrine - Never again run out of fuel, the doctrine. Has no downsides and is really good at raping soldiers all day long.

• Fortifications Doctrine - It's like they really, really tried hard to make a worthless Commander that competes with the good ol' "Community" Commanders. Even the thought of a Pak43 and bunkers being built by an OKW player is like a joke.

• Firestorm Doctrine - Overhyped piece of shit Commander that makes you waste shittons of ammo and pioneer lives with his barely dangerous abilities. What, you wanted a Hetzer as your AT defense? Lol, fuck off, have a flamethrower on it instead. Countered by literally everyone with a brain.

• Overwatch Doctrine - Choose doctrine. Build Goliath. Park Goliath. Wait. BOOM. PROFIT!!11! Troll doctrine with small nukes.

• Sturmpioneer Squad - What would happen if you took basic pioneers, gave them assault rifles from the get-go, made them squishy as hell and let them loose right from the beginning of the game? You get these guys, and boy do they fuck shit up.

• Volksgrenadiers - They aren't as lulzy as the old CoH 1 Volks, but they sure as hell are much better at their job. You can pretty much spam them all day long, they still do everything better than most Allied infantry. You can give them one Schreck, to see 'em dance around and miss all their shots. Also have a fire grenade that was recently patched in that works several times better than anything the commies have, which pisses them off greatly.

• Panzerfüsilier - Long range Volks with better standard and AT grenades, come in a little later into the game, have no rocket launcher, but even it out with being a complete menace on machineguns.

• Obersoldaten - A bunch of Waffen SS soldiers that escaped from Stormfront fanfiction, on steroids. Walking TERMINATORS with MG34s, that not only murder EVERYTHING, well except maybe tanks, but they can also plant hidden bombs on points in case you got nothing better to do.

• Jaeger Light Infantry Recon Squad - Pseudo-snipers that are kinda good at killing infantry and plant bombs. As long as they don't get their hands on a machinegun they are rather gimped though.

• MG34 Heavy Machine Gun Team - A weak-as fuck machinegun that can barely do anything but stop infantry spam at your mobile HQ, at best.

• Fallschirmjäger - Extra squishy glass cannons that you call in somewhere in a house on the map, have them die immediately, and potentially make you ragequit because you wasted manpower that could have been put into Obersoldaten instead.

• Sturm Offizier - Yeah no... can't even get XP, at all.

• Kübelwagen - Was once supposed to be the mobile suppression solution, but then they figured "eh, fuck it", and removed the MG functions, gave it cap ability and made it much stronger. Was spammed in team games for more than a month as revenge for the release of the British teadrinking faggots. Today it's like a Kettenkrad/Jeep hybrid that you forget about halfway through the game.

• Sdkfz 251/20 Half-track w/Infrared Searchlight - A literal driving wallhack. Makes you near omniscient on parts of the map. Combine with Stuka for great lulz.

• SdKfz 251/17 Flak Half-track - Once a complete push-over, but thanks to the OKW revamp is now either a really good anti-infantry solution until you get something better or a waste of fuel that could cost you the game. Gets bumrushed by riflemen with bazookas every game and needs way too much micro for what it does.

• SdKfz 234 ‘Puma’ Heavy Armored Car - Armored car with smoke canisters. Is really good at fleeing.

• SdKfz 251 "Stuka zu Fuß" Half-track - Got beef with the enemy? Want a final solution? Just fire it at the enemy blob and see what happens. Don't forget to hide it asap, though.

• Panzer II Ausf. L ‘Luchs’ Light Tank - Build this if you want to make the other guy really angry. Armored and murders infantry. For some reason it really sucks at killing light vehicles.

• Jagdpanzer IV - The only time this thing ever NOT misses a shot is when the a T34 is right in front of it.

• Flakpanzer IV Ostwind - Samefag. Call in for shredding Rangers and other nuisances.

• Panzer IV Medium Tank - Generic as fuck everyman tank. Does just about everything, but costs a shitload of fuel compared to the Wehr Panzer.

• Panther PzKpfw V ‘Medium’ Tank - It's a Panther. It deflects shots and it sucks against infantry. What the hell do you expect me to write about it?

• Panther PzKpfw V Command Tank - A super expensive Panther call in that nobody ever gets to use before the game is over.

• Jagdtiger Panzerjäger Tiger Ausf. B - Extremely tough call in that has a crew full of retards that start freaking out everytime they get hit. It's the absolute bane of every tank and puts even the Elefant to shame. Usually the game is over before you can call it in, OR before it even reaches the battlefield, though.

• Sturmtiger - Lulzy super weapon that launches small nukes. Good against anyone with no micro.

• King Tiger - Slow bullet sponge with a hefty price tag. Blows up infantry squads with no effort. Expect it to get bombed from all sides.

• Goliath Tracked Mine - Good ol' portable nuke. Never ceases to disappoint.

• Raketenwerfer 43 Anti-Tank Rocket Launcher - Best AT gun in the fucking game, hands down. Cloaks, can be put into buildings, snipes infantry, can retreat easily. Ironically a near-worthless last ditch weapon IRL.

• 7.5cm le.IG 18 Infantry Support Gun - Makes allies go cry a lot with automatic fire support, until they remember that they usually have 120mm mortars to counter it.

• Schwerer Panzer Headquarters (Tier 4) - Notable for the massive Flak gun on top that kills infantry left and right.

• Pak 43 88mm Anti-tank gun - Like, really? Why would you ever build this thing as OKW?!

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The campaigns

• United States Forces (DLC) - You get to choose 4 commanders, one of which is behind a PAYWALL (A DLC IN A DLC, WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS UP!), which you can't even use in Multiplayer. You're supposed to pick three of these jackasses and win the Battle of the Bulge in the Ardennes. This campaign consists out of boring-ass grinding and sneak-missions that have no real cutscenes and end with hypocritical or whiny monologues of each commander. All you have to do throughout the campaign is to not lose every single unit like a retarded noob and you're fine. If you don't do just that you will run out of ressources and get a permaloss and you're forced to start over completely. At the end you're rewarded with worthless items and skins, half of which have been patched into a non-functional state.

• Soviet Union - CoH 2's Soviet campaign is all about mindlessly sending your soldiers to get raped by machine guns. There is literally no penalty for this, because you cannot take experienced units into the next mission anyway and all the new recruits that you can call in are FREE. Sure, there is a commissar waiting for your retreating units to shoot them in the face, but by just letting your guys walk in circles and reinforce at the base, you basically completely nullify the negative consequences. You basically keep spamming your infantry until you're able to get tanks, at which point all you have to do is press A and left-click and occasionaly activate an ability. You will be sending them to be raped by AT guns, this is all totally true and even works in HARD difficulty, because after all Russia didn't give a fuck about its people, however some people don't like the truth...

The controversy & Russian butthurt

Some Youtuber called Bad Comedian, butthurt of the fact that the Russian Army sucks and did horrible warcrimes, grabbed his personal army and downvoted the game on Metacritic, which had its rating move from 8.9/10 to 1/10, truly shows the might of Soviet Russia...

Why Russians hate COH

The developers

The logo of Lelic

Lelic Entertainment is a powerhouse of incompetence. What once used to be a company made out of the best artists, programmers and designers that could rival the old (now deceased) Blizzard is now filled with millenia faggots that heavily rely on retarded and incompetent community managers, that never communicate with the community at all, but instead rub the balls of the very few progamers that exist for their games. It is known that after Company of Heroes was released, probably half of the original dev team left, which made it almost impossible for the leftovers to fix bugs, as CoH 1 was supposdely a extremely complex programming nightmare. After every expansion pack, more and more of the original team fled from Lelic, until there was almost nobody left. This left us with todays developers.

Their design choices have become very questionable and they screwed up one of their most promising attempts at a free to play game. After THQ killed itself and SEGA bought them up, they now shamelessly fill their FULL PRICE GAMES games with heavily overpriced DLC, hard-to-get unlockables. Thus their games have become an unfixable, unbalanceable mess.

Things you get to do ingame

Business as usual

• Burn your own people
• BUY ALL THE DLC!
• Wonder how the game lags even on modern gaming PCs.
• Play against an AI that doesn't know how to remove barbed wire.
• Watch as your squad that took you ages to gain elite veterancy gets accidentally wiped by your own mortar round.
• Become a Nazi aka Wehraboo and play Axis only for the rest of your life.
• Ragequit and almost succumb to a heart attack as you pathetically lose to the broken flavour of the month unit.
• Smash your keyboard into pieces.
• Insult the developers to get a permaban on the Steam Forums.
• Burn the game.

Gallery

The Gallery of a broken game About missing Pics

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  Rape is imminent
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  Alternate Relic Logo

See Also

• StarCraft - The go-to alternative if you're azn.
• Supreme Commander - The Dwarf Fortress of real time strategy games.
• Nazi - The playerbase of CoH.
• Communism - The thing this game hilariously tries to deconstruct.
• Russia - Guess who's butthurt the most?

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