Ray Kurzweil

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Honorary Dr Raymond Kurzweil is an American author, inventor, futurist and proponent of transhumanism. He spends his time lecturing to idiots at conferences like TED or at his fake college Singularity University. The rest of the time he spends opining about the technological equivalent of The Rapture - the Singularity - wherein artificial intelligence gets good enough to simulate human consciousness, and we all decide to upload our brains into Wikipedia.

Kurzweil really doesn't want to miss the Singularity, so he now pops more dietary supplements than your average Miami Beach gym rat and drinks gallons of water every day "to flush out toxins". He's fully signed up with ALCOR, the cryogenics company. When Kurzweil dies of Sunset Yellow FCF intoxication, he'll get shipped off to the frozen body farm so some bored medical student can play soccer with his detached head. Despite knowing fuck all about medicine, Ray has now published three books on health and nutrition.

	“	It's intelligent design for the IQ 140 people. This proposition that we're heading to this point at which everything is going to be just unimaginably different - it's fundamentally, in my view, driven by a religious impulse. And all of the frantic arm-waving can't obscure that fact for me, no matter what numbers he marshals in favor of it. He's very good at having a lot of curves that point up to the right.	„
	—Mitch Kapor

Singularity University

Like all good religions, the Singularity religion now has a fake college you can attend. $25,000 buys you nine weeks at Singularity University where you can listen to Ray Kurzweil and his fellow Singularitarians explain how you are on the way to becoming a cyborg, all the while hanging out with the sort of people who think the Singularity is coming. It's like real college, but you don't have to learn anything and you don't get a degree at the end of it. Sex? Check your premises...

His greatest achievement

The most valuable thing Ray has given us besides keyboards, is appearing on the Glenn Beck show and making him look like even more of an idiot than he already is. A conversation between the two is akin a struggle between a water buffalo and Ritalin-addled albino mouse who wants a flying car.

Kurzweil II, electric etcetera

Some nitwit called Bostrom has proposed that the singularity has in fact already happened, and we are all currently living in a simulated universe created by the post-human species for some incomprehensible bullshit reason. So in other words, you can relax, because after the singularity everything will carry on exactly as before. There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

See also

• Transhumanism
• Biofurs
• The Kurzweil 250 Digital Keyboard - an innovative synthesizer with advanced sampling capabilities, an adjustable sample rate of 5kHz to 50kHz. Its sampler was also 16-bit. Many other samplers of this time had much more limited sampling/digital audio specs which made this synth a very prominent keyboard. By today's standards, however, this synth has many limitations such as samples can only be stored directly on Apple Mac disks only. Features include:
  • 12-track sequencer
  • chorus
  • transpose
  • tune
  • 36 ROM sounds
  • 96 pristine quality acoustic instruments
  • 341 presets
  • 12 voice polyphony
  • 2 LFO's per voice
  • variable sampling rate
  • truncation
  • looping
  • velocity crossfading
  • full 88 weighted keyboard
  • MIDI

It was also available in keyboardless "expander" or as a rackmount module, and wowed movie-goers as a staccato violin-effect in the "Love Theme" from 1985 hit St Elmo's Fire.