Akmal Shaikh

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The sweet, misunderstood subject of this article.

In 2009, 52-year-old minicab driver Akmal Shaikh traveled to China with aspirations of becoming a world-famous, Pakistani-born, British bipolar singing sensation. In an unprecedented display of hospitality, the Chinese welcomed him to the airport, provided for his lodgings for two years, and then just after Christmas, the Chinese government granted his wish of world-fame by making him into the first European in over 50 years to experience capital punishment in China. He will forever be remembered as a talented YouTuber who was committed to bringing about world peace through his music, which was mostly dedicated to Allah, Jihad and rabbits.

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A beautiful scene.

A History

Hailing from Kentish Town via Pakistan, Akmal Shaikh led a long and happy life that included a sexual assault conviction, several failed businesses, a five-month-long terrorism investigation by MI5 and persistent failure in landing that big recording contract. None of this was Shaikh's fault; he was simply misunderstood.

Mental Illness

For most of his life, it was widely reported that Shaikh displayed "worrying and erratic behavior" attributed to bipolar disorder. However, we at ED simply believe that musical genius often comes with a price, and that Akmal was more than willing to pay. Bipolar disorder is described as an illness that destroys the basis for rational thought. Therefore, in his infinite wisdom he sent an international text message instigating Jihad days after the 7/7 London Underground attacks which was, startlingly, intercepted. Despite a five-month investigation conducted by MI5, this patriotic soul was deemed harmless and of no threat to national security by the organization. He probably didn't even send the message, and this was merely a case of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

YouTube

Akmal Shaikh would definitely have been a famous pop star had he not been executed for drug smuggling.

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Fighting passionately for what's right.

Akmal Shaikh was a prolific poster on YouTube, and his career was well on track to fulfilling his aspirations of bringing about world peace. His iconic debut was a spiritual epic, raising key questions about the morality of man through thoughtful analogies pertaining to rabbits and Allah. It was, for lack of a better word, perfect. Shaikh entrusted some like-minded individuals with the recording of the track, then took inspiration from various existing materials and made an exceptionally high-quality accompaniment, perfectly suited to his song. It turned out that the music video had about as much right to live as its composer and the original was unfortunately deleted somewhere along the line. The replacements from various human rights organizations crying about the lack of consideration the evil Chinese had for his eccentricities do not do it justice. Ultimately, the Chinese determined that producing a shitty music video and behaving in a generally faggoty way is not proof of mental illness (for more details, see Kanye West).

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Maybe this supporter should have used some of that wax to deal with her upper lip issues.

Pop Career

Believing that his rich history in the transport industry as a London taxi driver would transcend his complete lack of knowledge or experience of civil aviation, Shaikh moved to Poland to start an airline. Much to everyone's surprise, he plunged into poverty and subsequently the only rational course of action available to him was to move to China and become a pop star. After working on his magnum opus Come Little Rabbit for almost two years, his "agent", who also happened to be a well-known drug smuggler that he'd previously introduced to a friend, informed him that he owned one of the biggest nightclubs in China and would be happy to propel Shaikh to stardom. How fortuitous!

One of the legal documents presented to the Chinese government in Shaikh's defense.

Then It Went To Shit

Upon arriving at Ürümqi Airport, Shaikh was found in possession of a suitcase full of pure and uncut heroin, and promptly arrested. Unfazed, Shaikh felt that this suitcase of uncut heroin would be dealt with when his agent arrived on the next plane, but he never showed up. Various sources state that Shaikh was fully cooperative upon his arrest; however, his lawyer withheld substantial amounts of video footage, which was definitely not of a crazed Shaikh attempting to attack Chinese airport staff, claiming it would further incriminate him. This serves only to prove that the lawyer was yet another on the long list of people who didn't understand Akmal's harmless quirks. After a thorough, carefully considered and well-argued trial lasting a full half-hour, he was found guilty of drug smuggling and sentenced to death by lethal injection.

Literally tens of people came to the rally.

Rough Justice

Due to the international appeals and pseudo-legal pleas for clemency from various amnesty organizations attempting, quite rightly, to undermine a country's entire legal system, there was a gap of over two years between the conviction and execution during which Shaikh reportedly enjoyed a comfortable stay in a modern Chinese prison.

English celebrity Stephen Fry made a video (below) begging for lenience in the case, an appropriate move that utilized his impeccable knowledge of the nuances in the Chinese legal system, which he couples with a keen eye for psychiatric diagnosis when he is not busy presenting QI.

Probably the last thing he saw..

Consider the facts - before he had been anywhere near China, Shaikh had been accused of:

• Attempted Terrorism
• Sexual Assault
• Wife Beating
• General love of doomed-to-fail get-rich-quick schemes

Also, let's not forget that he was physically caught engaging in a spot of international drug smuggling. So the big question is, should he have been let off? Of course he should, the man was a musical genius! There are worrying parallels between this story and that of our dearly departed Michael Jackson, another case of a man being put to death because of flimsy evidence of something that we all know isn't a real crime.

OMG International Incident

In all its infinite wisdom, the British Government then decided to weigh in on matters condemning the actions of the Chinese Government. In response, the Chinese unleashed the motherfucking fury in a political fashion and issued a statement expressing their displeasure with the UK's interference in what was described as "an internal matter".

[-+]Only Open If You Like SRS BZNS

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If you're actually interested in the reason why the trial and subsequent appeals failed:

• Shaikh was found to have over eighty times the amount of heroin on his person than that which automatically warrants execution under Chinese judicial law.
• During his original trial he refused to undergo psychological assessment to determine his mental state, his one and only chance to do so.
• His medical records were sent to the courts, and they showed that he had no personal or family history of mental illness. Previous formal diagnosis of psychiatric illness is essential in the Chinese legal system in order to preserve the authenticity of mental health defense claims. There are no exceptions to this rule, and Akmal Shaikh did not meet this criteria.
• Shaikh's own lawyer withheld video footage from the trial, claiming that it was "too incriminating".
• He reportedly had heroin in his bloodstream when he was arrested.

See Also

• Batshit Insane
• China
• Kung Fu
• Terrorist
• YouTube

External Links

• http://www.reprieve.org.uk/
• A British newspaper article on Shaikh.

Featured article March 15, 2010
Preceded by Gary Oak	Akmal Shaikh	Succeeded by Kevin Havens