Elitist Musical Bastards

LOLDONGS!!!!!

Those who can play guitar, do. Those who can't, idolize. Elitist musical bastards tend to come in several varieties, but all of them have in common that they are devoted music listeners.

The Guitar God

	“	Joe Satriani is a technically proficient player, not like those talentless hacks who can sing and write songs.	„

The guitar god can be found bragging about his conquests in chat rooms and message boards all across the internet. He knows what D#m7sus is, and he's not afraid to let you know that he knows it. He is A Guitar Hero. You can insult God and country to the Guitar God, but any bad word about Satriani, Yngwie Malmsteen, Vai, Hendrix, or Petrucci will result in immediate drama and lulz.

Ironically, most of these self proclaimed "shredders" couldn't actually "shred" if their lives depended on it, and the only thing they "sweep" is the floor of a McDonald's or Burger King 10 hours per week. The guitar god is never even half as good as he thinks he is at playing or writing. If he was, then he would have a career in music, and he would not be spending his days on messageboards attempting to criticize those that actually do have a career in music. When forced to present a recording of his accomplishments, most Guitar Gods will present you with a bland love ballad or a soulless classic rock song which is nearly about 30 years out of style. Telling him this is another excellent drama-generating technique.

Example of guitar god.

Favorite bands

• Joe Satriani
• Steve Vai
• The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Buckethead
• Dream Theater
• Any other boring guitar geek with no originality or musical identity that can do anything and everything on a guitar except actually WRITE A GOOD SONG.

The Cock-Sucking Theorist

	“	I was playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and it's in the key of C# minor! I know what a weird key. Anyways I completely rocked it since I'm so great at piano.	„

The Cock-Sucking Theorist is possibly the hardest of Elitist Musical Bastards to find. He is usually in a band or orchestra class in highschool. They likely think they can read music at a basic level and have written some, but they won't shut the fuck up about how great they think they are. This includes playing very easy songs/pieces and bragging about it to everyone, saying it's very hard.

It's very easy to be a Cock-Sucking Theorist. Anyone who goes around saying they are really good at piano or guitar and explains how hard something is can be a CST. If you are a musician and don't want to be a piece of shit, just don't talk about the music you play or write. If you are with some friends, casually bring it up or play it. If they complement you, say thank you, and don't go into depth. You don't want to appear like a dildo who talks about more than they actually know.

Favorite bands

• Ludwig Van Beethoven(though they probably don't actually listen to it)
• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart(though they probably don't actually listen to it)
• Miles Davis(same as above)

The Thinker

	“	You just don't get how deep The Wall is. It's like, there's this wall around him, and the wall symbolizes a wall.	„

If personal angst and agony are involved, the Thinker will defend this piece of music to the death. Hippies were the first of this ilk. To them, music was about The Man keeping you oppressed and raping the environment when he's not raping you and oppressing the environment. If you don't like whatever pseudo-philosophical or "politically conscious" shitty music that the Thinker is trying to pass off as "the absolute epitome of human expression" or something, they will usually accuse you of being "too feeble minded to comprehend the music" or something similar and equally laughable.

Today, most goth and emo kids fall into this category. Unlike their hippie parents, they don't give a shit about world affairs and trees. The modern thinker is all about his own angst. He will even go as far as to tell you that he's being insightful and intelligent - not a crybaby.

Create lulz by telling the Thinker that their self-serving depression is the shallowest and/or funniest thing you've ever seen. A winner is you when your target responds with a pointless rant about those who are different.

Favorite bands

• Rush
• Tool
• Pink Floyd
• Radiohead
• The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Any other supposed "deep thinking man's music"

The Encyclopedia

Brett Meisner being haunted by Jim Morrison's ghost

	“	You didn't know that Led Zepplin was technically metal? I'm going to kill you in your sleep.	„

The Encyclopedia will consider you the worst pile of dog shit if you can't name what color shirt (insert classic rock band member here) was wearing in 1973. This type of person has no life or talent, so they instead learn all they can about rock bands in order to hold this petty and useless knowledge over others. If you can't name all the members of Pink Floyd off of the top of your head, the Encyclopedia will cream himself in delight over the potential 'pwning' of someone else on the subject. The metal elitists of this variety are possibly the worst. They will go apeshit if you get any of your metal "subgenres" even the slightest bit mixed up, or if you haven't heard of every shitty little black metal band from Lithuania that never sold more than 8 copies of their crappy self produced EP. The truly ironic thing about the Encyclopedia is that they never actually have any talent or credibility themselves, nor do they even have any real musical knowledge(theory, songwriting, industry experience, etc) and they stupidly believe that being able to name 5000 shitty little death metal bands that nobody has ever heard of, or being to name every member of Pink Floyd's favorite breakfast cereal and sexual position somehow counts as "musical knowledge."

Favorite bands

• The Encyclopedia exists among fandom of all musical genres, so it really just depends on the genre. Whatever type of fandom you are looking at though, rest assured that The Encyclopedia will happily make his presence known.

Brett Meisner

An example of this kind of faggotry was the "self-proclaimed rock critic" Brett Meisner. While he thought of himself as awesome, he was actually just a 40 something year old troll looking for attention. He wanted everyone to take him seriously, despite creating several unfunny websites including his infamous site, Rock and Roll Bad Boy site (check out its pointless "Rock Trivia" section for lulz) and the lesser known Kiss Burger and "CSI:CSNY". He also has written many articles for Rolling Stone and Spin and was in talks with VH1 to get his own show, which was canceled at last minute. But at least he has JewTube! Probably his best known claim to fame is encountering the ghost of Jim Morrison and blaming the ghost for all his misfortunes, he claimed to have defeated the ghost of "The Lizard King" in a half-hour special which supposedly aired on Fox. Meisner expired on September 10, 2010 (according to some "friends").

The Fanboy

A fanboy so dedicated to his favorite band that he gets a tattoo of their logo in the form of a squished pop tart on his arm.

	“	Shit bands for life!	„

Unlike the Thinker or Guitar God, the Fanboy is actually aware of the current state of popular music. Unlike the others, most fanboys can't even pretend to be discerning or intelligent. Korn, Linkin Park and most other shitty bands have their share of rabid fanboys, but the most infamous of all are the Juggalos.

Easy Steps to Lulz:

1. First, enter the following message
   • That band sucks
2. Do something productive in another window or IRL for any period of time.
3. Save a log or screen grab of the ensuing drama.
4. Upload to LiveJournal or Encyclopedia Dramatica.
5. ????
6. PROFIT!

Favorite bands

• ICP
• Linkin Park
• Korn
• Twiztid
• Creed
• Disturbed
• Godsmack
• Slipknot
• Nickelback
• Any other shitty corporate jewish band made solely for exploiting dumbasses and making tons of money.(Hey, considering how popular most of these bands are, somebody must be buying the records, right? Now you know who buys them.)

The Black Metal Elitist

	“	Impaled Nazarene and Abhor(Ita) are so heavy. You don't even know. Who the fuck is Slayer?	„

Typical Black Metal Elitist. Pictured with sweatshirt and patches of bands you've never heard of.

Easily the most pretentious of the Musical Elitist Bastards. Known for pseudo-nihilist and misanthropic behavior, they judge their music by how "tr00" it is. If more than 5 people have heard of, or like the band, they will shoot it down as sold-out. Will constantly quote Varg Vikernes, Gaahl, or some other pretentious Norwegian idiot, and talk about how 'gr1m' it was when the singer from Mayhem became an hero. Most Black Metal Elitists are in fact Scandinavians and therefore Socialists.

If you see someone in cargo pants, combat boots, and a shirt that features a completely illegible logo, chances are you've got a black metal elitist.

Favorite bands

• Emperor
• Watain
• Nokturnal Mortum
• Dark Throne
• Dimmu Borgir
• Inaccurate, as most of those are way too mainstream. In actuality, to most Black metal elitists, if the band has sold more than 13 copies of their shitty record, they are automatically "sell outs" or "posers" by default. Most Black Metal elitists only listen to the most kvlt of kvlt shit bands from Kazakhstan that no more than 3 people have ever heard of.

The Obscure Music Listener

	“	OK Computer the best album of 1997? Maybe if you're a mainstream sell-out. The best album of 1997 was clearly The Conet Project.	„

Lacking any ability to discern good music from bad music, the obscure music listener hides his weakness by searching out albums that approximately 5 other people in the world have heard and claiming that each album is THE BEST SHIT EVER. It doesn't matter if the album has any redeeming musical value; in fact, it could be nothing but recordings of people taking shits on their cats. The obscure music elitist will still claim it is the greatest album ever and destroys any album you listen to that sold more than 500 copies.

The obscure music listener's strength lies in his ability to confound his opponents by bringing up albums no one has ever heard, thus making it impossible to prove him wrong unless you actually go and listen to them. Of course, the albums are often so mind-numbingly dull that you will never actually make it through them, allowing him to claim that you didn't give it a chance.

If you are ever faced with an obscure music listener, simply ask him, "If it's so good, how come I've never heard of it?" This is guaranteed to troll every obscure music listener 100% of the time.

Favorite bands

• Anything that is so amazingly shitty that you will probably only find it in the bargain bins at Goodwill if you're lucky.
• Neutral Milk Hotel

The E-Penis Stroker

	“	I see from your RateYourMusic account that you have only rated 50 albums. I think before you start having opinions on music, you should expand your horizons a bit.	„

The E-Penis Stroker has logged 5 million plays on Last.FM and wants to show the whole world. He considers anyone with a smaller e-penis than him to be musically inferior. They typically come in two varieties: RateYourMusic-fags and Last.FM-fags. The RateYourMusic fags don't realize some people have other things to do on the Internet besides give albums meaningless ratings on a 5-point scale. The Last.FM fags are just liars who leave music on their computer all day and all night, even while sleeping, in order to increase their playcount.

Due to the fact that their music listening is primarily centered on the Internets, E-Penis Strokers have seen many types of trolling before and are often immune to all but the most carefully-crafted trolls. A common noob mistake is to try to troll them by accusing them of being basement-dwelling faggots (which they probably are). A flame might go something like this:

• "In order to have that many plays on Last.fm you must be sitting around listening to music 24/7. Go outside you fucking loser."
• "If I ever spent that much time cataloging, rating and reviewing the music in my collection, I'd kill myself. Just listen to the music and enjoy it."

Occasionally this will work, and you might get a really trollable excuse like "I have Asperger's Syndrome so I can't just go out and have a life like you can." However, most basement-dwellers (including E-Penis Strokers) have long acknowledged the fact that they just fail at life and are not upset by having it pointed out.

The best way to turn an E-Penis Stroker into your personal lolcow is to accuse him of lying about how much music he actually listens to. Some good starting flames:

• "I bet you didn't even listen to all the albums you rated."
• "I bet you just listened to each of those albums 1 time and then rated it."

The E-Penis Stroker will immediately get defensive of the e-cock he's pumped so hard to enlarge. It is, after all, the only significant work he's ever accomplished. For maximum effectiveness, you can combine the two aforementioned trolls, like so:

• "I bet you leave your Last.FM on even when you're not there just to increase your e-penis size, you fucking loser."

The Classic Rock Faggot

	“	All music made after 1993 is terrible. Tool will never come close to having the heart and soul that AC/DC had.	„

Do you think modern music just doesn't have the same heart as classic rock did? Do you listen to nothing but classic rock radio? Do you get really angry when modern bands cover classic rock songs? Then you just might be a Classic Rock Faggot.

One of the worst types of music elitists, Classic Rock Faggots have only one criteria for determining whether or not something is good: it had to have been made at least 20 years ago.

Classic Rock Faggots, like all music elitists, have completely rationalized why they think the way they do. Classic rock, you see, didn't have these faggot singers who whine about how their daddy wasn't there for them, sing emotionless love songs or talk about banging bitches and shooting people. No, back in the classic rock days, it was all about the rock and they didn't rely on the studio to sound good. Today's music, on the other hand, is corporate-sponsored crap put together by marketing teams with songs that all sound the same.

The best way to deal with a Classic Rock Faggot is to walk away from the bike show or county fair you met him at. There is a rare occasion when they show up on the Internet, however, and great lulz can be had by telling them the Stones suck. You need not provide any explanation; just keep repeating that they suck in as many ways as you can think of and watch the pages scroll by.

Favorite bands

• AC/DC
• The Rolling Stones
• Led Zeppelin
• The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• The Who
• Bob Dylan
• Cream
• Steppenwolf

The Electro Faggot

	“	House? Please, I don't listen to that shit. I won't even go into a club that doesn't play dirty electro dubstep break beat drum and bass influenced psy-trance disco tech-house.	„

The Electro Faggot is pretty much the mirror image of a Classic Rock Faggot. The same, but backwards. For you see, the Electro Faggot has rationalised the thought that any music made before 1995 is complete and utter bullshit. In fact, some will go as far as to say that any band that actually has a drummer is living in the past, man. What they don't realise is that Electro is short for Electro House, so they've just dug themselves another hole they can be fucked by aliens in. These fuckers can be found in basement clubs doing the Melbourne Shuffle to hardstyle, dubstep and DnB or anything being played by John Course or Vandalism, seeing as how Ministry of Sound made House, Tech and Trance "WAYYYY TOO COMMERCIAL, BRO". Ministry of Sound Australia is probably the better of two evils as MoSA released fucking decent comps until The Annual 2011, then they sold their soul to semi-commercialism to make the tween faggots happy. Even though OP might be a faggot (correction OP is always a faggot), their first release, Clubber's Guide To... Australia & The 2004 Annual are definitely CD's you should pick up. Find a group of hipster faggot cunts at university (preferably Monash or University of Melbourne hipsters) and play those compilations near then and watch them rage and then proceed to bag the shit out of The Janoskians in front of them. But believe me, if you can remember snorting cocaine, taking some E and partying hard to Nik Fish, Mark Dynamix or Groove Terminator in the late 90's - mid 2000's then you've got nothing to worry about.

You can find these losers all over the internet, but no where in such abundance as http://www.soundcloud.com. Soundcloud offers these faggots an electro-Facebook, where they can upload their re-mixes, re-edits, re-mashes and generally be re-tards.

Favorite Bands

• Deadmau5
• Justice
• Daft Punk
• Nero
• Stafford Brothers
• The Aston Shuffle

The J-Rock Faggot

	“	Western music is too mainstream. You "can't understand what they're saying?" Yeah, you would say that... fucking racist.	„

The J-Rock Faggot is pretty much like all of the above except he possesses (who am I fucking kidding?) she (because 99.9% of JRFs = female) possesses an extreme hatred for bands or artists from his her own country and judges the worth of an artist by whether or not they sing in Japanese, how much it cost to import their shit from CDJapan or YesAsia (because only posers and newbs buy the cheaper domestic re-releases and only leeches download! And f.y.i., that extra $23 totally goes to the band!) and how few other fans they have (the lesser the better). This creature is the inevitable evolution of the common weeaboo (upon discovering that Japan has more to obsess over than just animoos and mayng-guhs) and sets himself herself above his her fellow nippon nuts even though he she is still in the same 'socially awkward outcast' boat as them. It's like if a furry suddenly developed an ego and started believing it was better than all the other furries when it is still a furry and thus, still a faggot.

The J-Rock Faggot berates his her fellow weebz for still liking themes from anime while espousing the awesomeness of bands neither you or they give any fucks about. The J-Rock Faggot is most active on websites like Youtube, defending his her favorite moonspeak bands from evil western music fans who leave anything remotely resembling a negative comment about the objects of their worship and telling them to 'Go back to their My Chemical Romance and Justin Bieber', because any music that isn't from Bukkake Tentacle Rape Cartoon Childpornlandia is totally emo / pop garbage, including The Beatles.

The J-Rock Faggot will go to shows where his her beloved Japanese band is playing to lend their oh-so-needed booing, shit-talking and complaints about the presence of the western, english-speaking opening act, sort of the Bizarro World version of what usually tends to happen when the ratio is reversed. Get enough JRFs together at the same venue and it becomes an annoying screaming match between fans of the western act and a bunch of self-important waps cursing at the 'racists' in mangled Japanese or if they haven't gotten that far, repeated shouts of 'BAKA!' Ironically, their behavior is an embarrassment to the band they came to see, since they wouldn't be there at all if they weren't at least on semi-friendly terms with the other acts.

J-Rock Faggots range from 'mildly elitist' to so mind-bafflingly elitist they make any of the aforementioned subspecies of Elitist Musical Bastards look like the music fandom equivalent of Bronies or Hippy Jesus. While the Classic Rock Faggot will actively shove their preferred music onto the 'young-uns' in order to expose them to 'good' music, the J-Rock Faggot doesn't even want the 'newbs' knowing that whatever they like exists and go out of their way to make any potential new fans avoid them and 'their' bands like they're made of AIDS and radiation. Where the 'normal' version of The Encyclopedia will threaten to murder you for not knowing the exact amount of their own vomit Jemi Hendrix, John Bonham and Bon Scott choked to death on, the J-Rock Faggot will threaten to cleave the heart from your chest with a Hattori Hanzo sword for not knowing the blood type, legal name, favorite brand of cigarettes, favorite variety of Pocky, favorite color, favorite bandmate to perform 'fanservice' on and favorite 'originator' Visual Kei band of some guys whose names you can't even pronounce, let alone have ever heard of.

You can find the J-Rock Faggot pretty much anywhere that Japanese music is being discussed or on the Myspace and Facebook pages of the bands their favorite band recently toured with, posting insults and claiming the superiority of whoever the fuck it was they went there to see instead of them. You can also find them IRL in stores like Kinokuniya, paying $40 for shit they could have paid $14 for somewhere else and also going to annie may conventions, where they can stroke their egos by showing off their obscure J-Band shirts or shitty imitation Visual Kei clothes that they bought from Lolita Kisama.net and thinking themselves to be gods among the lesser weebz.

Making any of the following statements to a J-Rock Faggot will result in lulz:

• "Hot Topic stores have CDs by [insert whatever Japanese band it is that they like]," (even if it isn't actually true you will still get them to bawww about it and drop their alleged favorite band quicker than a bagful of irradiated dog shit and pretend they never liked them to begin with. (this could have the opposite result if said J-Rock Faggot is of the decidedly less elitist variety).

• "Rock Band just added [insert whatever Japanese band they like] songs as DLC! (same as above).

• "Kyo from Dir en grey's vocals sound like a cat being dragged by its tail."

• "Dir en grey are just a Japanese copycat of Marilyn Manson," (this will send them over the edge and likely prompt a detailed response about how Manson, KISS, Alice Cooper and others just copied Visual Kei, while ignoring the fact that Visual Kei didn't even exist until the Nips started being influenced by the attire of 1980s Hair Metal and New Wave bands).

• "The Visual Kei 'originators' (X-Japan, Buck Tick, Luna Sea) are boring and The Gazette sound way better."
• "This sounds like [any asian language music that isn't Japanese]."
• "Wasn't this the opening theme music for Nuh-rew-doe?"
• 'I love Ellegarden, they're the best J-Rock band ever!'
• "I just torrented all of [insert band]'s albums! Thanks for telling me about them!"
• "Dir en grey? MOAR LIEK, DURR, I'M GHEY!"
• "Wanna read my awesome ship-fic of Kyo-chan and Shinya-kun? ^_^;;;"
• "I hear Miyavi has a wife now."

Favorite Bands

• Dir en grey
• Malice Mizer
• Moi Dix Mois
• √eight
• Deathgaze
• Girugamesh
• Merzbow

See Also

• Elitist
• Music
• /mu/
• Hipster
• Bandcamp
• And of course...

THE ENTIRE MUSIC PORTAL

HERE HERE HERE

Elitist Musical Bastards is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.