John Holmes

John Holmes

John C. Holmes was born August 8, 1944, and went on to become one of the greatest drug-addicted bi-sexual detectives and adult film stars of the twentieth century. He appeared in over 2,000 porno flicks (including some blatant film faggotry thrown in for good measure) while solving crimes with the help of his loyal penis, which he lovingly called “Doctor Watson.” Holmes died of fail and AIDS on March 13, 1988, after solving his last big mystery, the Cryptic Case of the Wonderland Murders.

Holmes and Doctor Watson

Doctor Watson after the death of Holmes.

The coke-sniffing Holmes and Watson had many adventures and got into many sticky situations throughout their long, illustrious, and industrious, career. It was said that the two would often argue about who was the bigger star, but it was generally accepted that Holmes would have been nothing without Watson. This was later proven to be true when, after Holmes died, Watson went on to have an enduring career on British television when he scored the roll of Monty Hall’s sidekick on the hit BBC game show “Beat The Cock.” It was much later that Watson gained his biggest fame, standing in as John Kerry’s penis during the 2004 Presidential Election.

The Wonderland Murders

Holmes and Watson are shown here on their most famous case, The Wonderland Murders.

Holmes' and Watson’s drug use began to negatively effect their ability to solve crimes and perform in porn, so in-between cases they started whoring themselves out to both men and women. The crime-fighting team then developed a friendship with a piece of shit drug dealer named Eddie Nash, who supplied Holmes and Watson with the coke they so adored. At the same time, Holmes and Watson were closely watching the Wonderland Gang, so-called for the location of their hideout— a rowhouse located on Wonderland Avenue in a neighborhood in Los Angeles. Unbeknownst to the pair of detectives, the Wonderland Gang had followed them to Eddie Nash’s house, where they stole all that delicious delicious cocaine.

Thoroughly pissed off, Nash showed the Wonderland Gang that he was hard core. Two days after being ripped off, four out of five of the Wonderland gang were found beaten to death with a claw hammer in their blood-spattered hideout, and became known as The Case of the Wonderland Murders. Holmes and Watson followed a tricky trail of clues, which led them straight back to Eddie Nash. Holmes then pwned Nash by beating him mercilessly with Doctor Watson, after which Holmes promptly died of AIDS. Watson survived, and was unhurt other than a minor concussion and some bruises to the helmet. Eddie Nash survived his pummeling and went on to form the hit musical group “Crosby, Stills and Nash.”

John Holmes Filmography

• The Hound of the Basketballs
• Johnny Wadd: Detective
• The Adventure of the Anal Carbuncle
• Scandal in the Mansion
• Your Body is a Wonderland
• Ginger Lynn Meets John Holmes
• The Adventure of the Dancing Men
• Coming Holmes
• The Adventure of the Three Students
• Tell Them Johnny Wadd Is Here

Gallery

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  The Master Detective
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  Holmes statue in San Francisco
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  Doctor Watson questions a suspect
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  One of Holmes’ victims, post-buggery
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  Now availible in 35 states
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  Watson was often imitated, but not with much success
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  Holmes on the set of Walt Disney’s “Alladin”
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  Doctor Watson during his morning workout
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  Get your very own John Holmes Action Figure!
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  "BLARRRRGGGHHH"
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  John Kerry and “Doctor Watson”