Lulznews/December Archive

December 31st, 2006

Salonika, GREECE (ÆFP) Greek anarchists snatch baby Jesus.

Lollington, NC (ÆP) Naked Xmas party goes horribly awry.

Phnom Penh, CAMBODIA (ÆP) Buffalo invited to wedding runs amok.

December 30th, 2006

Sidney, NOT AUSTRALIA (LOL) Hitler invades Paris, Texas.

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (Ræters) Smokealarm Cat saves the day for stupid-ass humans

Boca Raton, FL (ÆP) Lost car-jacker calls 911 instead of OnStar

December 29th, 2006

Berlin, Germany (Ræters) Man pays for drinks with daughter's pet dog

Des Moines, IA (ÆP) Man dishes out Seasons' Beatings with Yule Log.

December 28th, 2006

China Grove, NC, (ÆD) Girl finds shitty doll with her Xmas marijuana.

Villa Park, IL (ÆP) Broccoli Dog suspected in $50,000 veggie jacking.

London, ENGLAND (ÆFP) Car thief kicks the gift of Granny to the curb after inspecting haul.

December 27th, 2006

North Platte, NE (ÆP) "Jack the Ripper" charged with felony farting.

Wellington, NEW ZEALAND (Ræters) Dolphin crushes woman during ræp attempt.

Berlin, GERMANY (Ræters) Woman calls in 'kidnapped' for work.

December 26th, 2006

Happy Kwanzaa! (unless u r a jew, in which case pls die).

The Internets, CYBERSPACE (ÆD) Microsoft Vista: "the most secure version of Windows yet? HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!"

Seoul, GOOD KOREA, (Ræters) It's official: Korean men buy sex every time they have a dinner party.

Madrid, SPAIN (Ræters) 94% of Spaniards are drug mules. Drug use suspected.

December 25th, 2006

Hollywood, CA (AHæN) How many clowns can you fit in a VW gas chamber? Tale of Nazi commitment to Hollocaust lulz inspires movie for 2007. Drug abuse suspected.

Berlin, GERMANY (Ræters) Power Word causes taxi robbers to shit bricks. Drug abuse suspected.

Ypsilanti, MI (ÆP) Deranged 85-year-old party animal strays 315 miles from Xmas shindig. Drug abuse suspected.

December 24th, 2006

Boynton Beach, FL (ÆP) The "I like these pants!" thieves strike again. Armed trouser burglars still at large.

Crazytown, USA (ÆP) Americans believe that peas are made by a Green Giant who is quite jolly.

Atlanta, GA (ÆP) James Brown killed by Baby Jesus to sate his Xmas blood-lust.

December 23rd, 2006

Columbia, SC (ÆP) Pedo-Santa nabbed attempting to take 8-year-old to his North Pole after showing her his 'stuffed Rudolph'.

Benton, LA (ÆP) Delicious cock toes! You must eat them!

Gilroy, CA (ÆP) TORA! TORA! TORA! Three Japs die in Kamikaze attack on sewage pond.

December 22nd, 2006

Beijing, CHINA (CæNN) LOLCHINKS!!! Police ban streaking protest despite rigorous aesthetic standards for n00dz.

Damascus, VA (ÆP) Santa arrests streaking, drug-addled dentist.

Karyes, GREECE (Ræters) 7 rebel monks amongst fallen as rival monk gangs battle with crowbars and sledge-hammers.

December 21st, 2006

Barcelona, SPAIN (ÆP) Spaniards dreaming of a shit Xmas.

Chicago, IL (LNN) Baby Jesus (32 of them) back from the 'dead' again.

Hawthorne, FL (ÆP) Crack ho calls Waaambulance over bad crack purchase.

December 20th, 2006

Renfrewshire, ENGLAND (CurrentBun) Santa attacked with pies as Woar on Xmas escalates.

Lafayette, LA (LNN) "Jackass" prank goes terribly wrong.

Colombus, OH (ÆP) Eggraid ends badly for troll shot dead.

December 19th, 2006

Aukland, NEW ZEALAND (CBCæ) 50 drunken Santas go on Xmas rampage, throwing rocks, stealing and urinating in public.

Burnaby, BC (CP) 100 drunken Santas stopped before they started.

Bethalto, IL (ÆP) Police have beef with tavern owner over nude mashed potato wrestling

December 18th, 2006

Lima, PERU (Ræters) A steal at $1, "Osama Bin Laden Champagne" will hit you like a 747.

Cincinnati, OH (ÆP) Teens arrested for assault on beloved celebrity as woar on Xmas heats up.

A motherfuckin' Plane, in The motherfuckin' Sky (Bmotherfuckin'BCæ) Motherfuckin' mice on a motherfuckin' plane but Sam Motherfuckin' Jackson is motherfuckin' missing in motherfickin' action, motherfuckers!

December 17th, 2006

Rome, ITALY (Ræters) Newspapers to man accused of grisly murder: "HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, WE SUCK COCKS!!!1"

Marion, IN (LNN) Garfield beheaded by Al Qaeda.

London, ENGLAND (LNN) BBC to air TV shows "Fu#k Off, I'm A Hairy Woman" and "Me And My Man Breasts".

December 16th, 2006

London, ENGLAND (Ræters) Hobo takes nap on train tracks at rush-hour.

Wheaton, IL (CBæS) Epicurean student decides communal salad-dressing needs a little something.

Arlington, FL (LNN) 'Pornaments' heat up Xmas for local pastor.

December 15th, 2006

Painesville, OH (ÆP) Man sentenced to be a Furry for shooting dog.

Laguna Niguel, CA (ÆP) Drug-addled Zorro burglar bungles home invasion robbery.

Oklahoma City, OK (ÆP) Hothead soccer dad cools his heels in penalty box.

December 14th, 2006

Fushun, CHINA (BBCæ) Gigantor saves the day!

Fon Du Lac, WI (ÆP) Hunter bags space alien masquerading as deer.

Liberty, OH (ÆP) Man attempts to get Power Wrist back using bag of potatos as weapon.

December 13th, 2006

Truro, ENGLAND (LNN) Man deploys bio-weapon in post office; ruins Xmas for posters.

Southampton, ENGLAND (BBCæ) This is your brain: o_o. This is your brain on meat: o_O

Choppington, ENGLAND (BBCæ) Gym to offer lapdance classes to 12-year-old wannabe strippers.

December 12th, 2006

Istanbul, TURKEY (Ræters) Camel sacrifice on runway begs the question: how do you get a camel past airport security?

The World (WND) A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals. (sic)

Seattle, WA (ÆD) Jews ruin Xmas for travelers at airport.

December 11th, 2006

Wichita, KA (ÆP) Don't get high on your own supply! Robbed dealer, calls 911.

McMinville, TN (ÆP) Woman nabbed in first ever recorded case of reverse 'gold-digging'.

December 10th, 2006

Columbia, TN (ÆP) Dead woman's fetus collection found in freezer. Which begs the question: WTF!!!.

Coral Gables, FL (ÆP) Dad gets daugther mauled by cougar for her birthday gift.

San Jose, CA (ÆBC) Talking doll tells little girl she's "a slut".

December 9th, 2006

Mentor, OH (LNN) American shoppers willing to consume mass quantities whilst faced with death by fire.

Walmart (SÆF Chronicle) Butthurt unbelievers plan protest against 'Convert of Die' video game, fail to understand that the "Left Behind" series is based on soon-to-be fact.

December 8th, 2006

Easton, PA (LNN) Child molester: "Bingo drove me to rape."

A plane, THE SKY (ÆP) Jet diverted after farting woman poses terror threat.

December 7th, 2006

Hull, ENGLAND (Ænanova) "I thought it was a sinus infection" says woman shot up the nose.

Vienna, AUSTRIA (Ræters) Fake priest robs naked retiree.

Delhi, INDIA (Ræters) Government says "DO NOT WANT!!!" to local artists spitting baccy-juice on tourists' "areas".

December 6th, 2006

Vancouver, WA (ÆBC) Mother has son fake retardation for 20 years for lulz and profit.

York, ENGLAND (LNN) "EXTERMINATE!" Scarecrows are old meme for local man in Dalek 'suit' bent on scaring students.

West Point, MS (ÆP) Pigs fly as man throws 60lb porker at hotel staff.

December 5th, 2006

Rock Hill, SC (LNN) 12-year-old arrested, charged for opening Xmas gift early.

Alyangula, AUSTRALIA (LNN) Conflict resolution turns medieval as families attack each other with axes, swords and spears.

December 4th, 2006

Stafford, ENGLAND (LNN) Toy bear: "You Sir, are a "p****"!

Columbia City, IN (ÆP) Indecent exposer: "Arbys made me do it!"

December 3rd, 2006

Sierra Vista, AZ (ÆP) Bingo turns saintly grandmother into drug-running terrorist supporter.

Stockholm, SWEDEN (ÆP) Authorities: "Xmas goat is safe!" After 40 years of abuse, officials vow it will survive unscathed.

Portland, ME (ÆP) State says "DO NOT WANT!!!1" to Santa's Butt Beer.

December 2nd, 2006

Meadville, PA (ÆP) Armed gang take the hunt out of hunting by robbing hunter of his kill.

Los Angeles, CA (LÆT) Where's the Guac?

London, ENGLAND (LNN) No need to download all that pr0n, Apple does it for you!

December 1st, 2006

Pensacola, FL (ÆP) Boy to good home. Barely used.

Mahopac, NY (LNN) Goats get orange testes and indigestion from devouring pr0n!