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| {{An hero}}
| | [[File:Elliot_Mlady.jpg|50px]] [[User:Genberg47]] ([[User talk:Genberg47|talk]]|[[Special:Contributions/Genberg47|contribs]]) {{CURRENTTIME}}, {{CURRENTDAY}} {{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}} (EST) |
| {{SickFuck}}
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| '''Israel Keyes''' was a [[badass]] [[Ted Bundy]] wannabe and [[sick fuck]] who [[Black people|got convicted for just about every crime you could think of]]. Although [[Fail|he only official managed 3 kills]], [[Some argue|it is likely]] [[Win|he reached at least 11]].
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| Although he planned to never get caught, unlike [[Ted Bundy|his predecessor]], he eventually got [[V&]] after [[At least 100 years|almost a dozen]] years. Although he was always a [[sick fuck]], he cosplayed as a [[normal person]] to evade the [[party van]], and was never suspecting of anything, probably because he wasn’t a [[Nigger|shitskin]].
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| ==Before the Lulz==
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| {{Quote|I've known since I was 14 that there were things that I thought were normal and [okay] that no one else seemed to think were normal and okay. So that's when I just started being a loner. [...] People found out about some of the stuff I did. Like my parents, and parents of other kids who would hang out with me. They would find out about some of the stuff I did. And that's when I just started doing stuff by myself exclusively.}}
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| Keyes was born in 1978 to [[christfag]] parents in [[Mormon]] land, [[Utah]]. He grew up homeschool [[You|with no social life]] in some shitty forest in [[Washington]] state. His family [[Waco|got brainwashed into believing some crazy christian theory]] from locals and ended up becoming [[Batshit insane]] [[White supremacy|White supremacists]] who didn’t even have birth certificates and idolized [[Timothy McVeigh]].
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| Once other kids realized he was [[batshit insane]], he became an antisocial douchebag who killed cats and broke into houses for fun. He stole weapons from neighbors which he should have used to go for the [[High score]], but unfortunately never did this. Due to his parents being strict christfags, he wasn’t allowed to do anything against god as a child such as breath air, have a life, or [[masturbate]] (unless he became a priest, of course) and had to sneak out to commit lulzy acts for satan since he was against his parents beliefs.
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| ==Crimes==
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| Keyes became truly devoted to satanic [[lulz]] around age 20, when he committed an [[assault]] on some bitch who was tubing but decided not to get the kill, later saying "[[Pussy|I was too timid]]. I wasn't violent enough," he told investigators. "I made up my mind [[Badass|I was never going to let that happen again]]."He later joined the army, although he unfortunately never got the chance to kill [[sandniggers]] like [[Timothy McVeigh|McVeigh]] did. He got discharged after likely being molested by fellow comrades for 3 years. After this, he moved to Alaska for whatever reason, and started a construction company.
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| He started his lulzy spree around 2001 and [[Win|didn’t get busted for 11 years]], although he [[Fail|had hoped to never get caught but did]]. He burglarized [[At least 100|About 20-30]] homes across the [[US]] and robbed several banks as well. In [[Texas]] he [[High IQ|burned down a house as a distraction then hit the bank half an hour later while all the police were gone]]. And yet despite all this, he somehow wasn’t a [[nigger]] or at least a [[spic]]. Well, if that were the case, he would have been far too stupid to escape getting [[v&]] for more than two days, so it makes sense.
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| Although [[some argue]] he got at least [[Robert Bowers|11 kills]], he only officially got [[Fail|3 kills]], worse than [[Kip Kinkel]]. He was confirmed to have killed an [[old]] couple in [[New York]] in [[2011]], and [[Wikipedia:Israel Keyes#Possible victims| some moar noobz]] as well.
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| ==Samantha Koenig==
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| On February 1, 2012 Keyes abducted random [[16-year-old girl|18-year-old girl]] Samantha Koenig from a coffee booth and [[Rape|got some free pussy]] before killing her the next day. [[Savage|He then forgot about the entire thing and went to a cruise for two weeks]]. He could have stopped here, but instead when he got back he snapped a picture of her corpse next to some newspaper to [[Perfection Girl|make her look alive when she was actually already dead]]. He then sent the picture to her dad from her phone demanding ransom money (sounds like a jew move, [[amirite?]]). Unfortunately, after collecting his precious jewgold, he finally fucked up after withdrawing money from Koenig’s debit card but [[Dumbass|not realizing the feds could track the card’s location]]. He finally got V& in Texas, and his epic spree that somehow amassed only 3 kills was over.
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| After this, Keyes was sent back to the slammer and Alaska for moar assrape from Bubba. He tried to escape like [[Ted Bundy]] by [[Smart|using wood shavings to pick his cuffs]] by [[Fail|got tased like a bitch]] and told to sit the fuck back down. He would get redemption though after [[An Hero|slitting his wrist with a concealed razor blade]] and also [[Epstein|Hanging himself in his cell]].
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| ==Graded Score==
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| {{GradedScore|'''3'''|but might have been up to 11|16|Planned murders well in advance, too bad it didn’t result in a decent fucking kill count|6|No one gave a fuck except for a few weird fangirls|14|Not caught over a decade and lulzy [[suicide]]|51|F|Did alright for [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzpgMJnThVk Bubba from the sticks]}}
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| {{Wanted|3}}
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| ==External Links==
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKag6Ac4lbU&list=PL_kAiN4FbpOsHG5gpAl2E9aLcx0Shoaov&index=6 Interview with Feds #1]
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3a9exJ_GB4&list=PL_kAiN4FbpOsHG5gpAl2E9aLcx0Shoaov&index=5 Interview with Feds #2]
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL6g2AvxJog&list=PL_kAiN4FbpOsHG5gpAl2E9aLcx0Shoaov&index=4 Interview with Feds #3]
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQuHxmTOx2A&list=PL_kAiN4FbpOsHG5gpAl2E9aLcx0Shoaov&index=3 Interview with Feds #4]
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Yx0i3qOfQ&list=PL_kAiN4FbpOsHG5gpAl2E9aLcx0Shoaov&index=2 Interview with Feds #5]
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| *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ou72CIB28qw V& Footage]
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| *[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel_Keyes TOW Coverage]]
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| ==See Also==
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| *[[Ted Bundy]] - Who he tried to be an [[Fail|failed]]
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| *[[Serial Killers]]
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| *[[Psychopath]]
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| *[[An Hero]]
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| *[[Jeffrey Epstein]]
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| {{High Scores}}
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| {{Anheroes}}
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| {{Psychopaths}}
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| - [[File:Brenton Tarrant.png|50px]] [[User:Genberg47]] ([[User talk:Genberg47|talk]]) {{CURRENTTIME}} {{CURRENTDAYNAME}}, {{CURRENTDAY}} {{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}} (UTC)
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| 28 February 2024 (EST)
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User:Genberg47 (talk|contribs) 21:53, 20 February 2026 (EST)
User:Genberg47 (talk|contribs) 21:53, 20 February 2026 (EST)