- Portals
- The Current Year
- ED in the News
- Admins
- Help ED Rebuild
- Archive
- ED Bookmarklet
- Donate Bitcoin
Contact an admin on Discord or EDF if you want an account. Also fuck bots.
Alcohol: Difference between revisions
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigationJump to search
imported>IDeserveAnswers |
imported>Coelacanth No edit summary |
||
| (37 intermediate revisions by 7 users not shown) | |||
| Line 6: | Line 6: | ||
<br> | <br> | ||
<br> | <br> | ||
'''Alcohol''' (also known as ''liquor'', ''booze'', ''hooch'', ''lush'', and ''rape fuel'') is man's greatest achievement. It was invented in 1920 and named after notorious Sicilian Sumo Wrestler AlCopone. Failure to regularly enjoy alcohol makes you a [[stupid]] [[mormon]] [[faggot]]. It's consumed by people who enjoy its ability to make them completely retarded. Despite what [[mormon]] propaganda may say, there are no negative effects from alcohol consumption as wives always deserve their beatings, drunk driving is way more fun than regular driving, and what did your liver ever do for you anyway? | '''Alcohol''' (also known as ''liquor'', ''booze'', ''hooch'', ''lush'', and ''rape fuel'') is man's greatest achievement. It was invented in 1920 and named after notorious Sicilian Sumo Wrestler AlCopone. Failure to regularly enjoy alcohol makes you a [[stupid]] [[mormon]] [[faggot]]. It's consumed by people who enjoy its ability to make them completely retarded. Despite what [[mormon]] propaganda may say, there are no negative effects from alcohol consumption as wives always deserve their beatings, drunk driving is way more fun than regular driving, and what did your liver ever do for you anyway? | ||
| Line 39: | Line 44: | ||
'''Rum''' was the lifeblood of pirates in the Golden Age of [[Piracy]] until the fucking [[British]] Navy started watering it down (which is then called grog) and adding gay fruits and other pansy [[faggotry]]. | '''Rum''' was the lifeblood of pirates in the Golden Age of [[Piracy]] until the fucking [[British]] Navy started watering it down (which is then called grog) and adding gay fruits and other pansy [[faggotry]]. | ||
There are four kinds of rum: light, dark, spiced, and faggot. Light rum is for mixing (if you're a woman) or for light shooters...but really [[faggots|who wants a light shooter? ]]Dark is for cooking if you're a bitch; otherwise, you drink that shit straight out of the bottle, neat, or on the rocks. Spiced does just fine on its own but Captain Morgan is garbage and Bacardi is just Puerto Rican shit water. And faggot is tarnished with [[DO NOT WANT|coconuts, pineapples]], and [[Oprah|AIDS]] for total [[Kitten|pussies]] [[faggots|who can't handle the real shit.]] Please note, [[Shit|Bacardi]] sucks [[Buttsex|ass]], and is widely served in bars of the [[Gay|homosexual]] variety. [[Lie|Not that I would know]]. | There are four kinds of rum: light, dark, spiced, and faggot. Light rum is for mixing (if you're a woman) or for light shooters...but really [[faggots|who wants a light shooter? ]]Dark is for cooking if you're a bitch; otherwise, you drink that shit straight out of the bottle, neat, or on the rocks. Spiced does just fine on its own but Captain Morgan is garbage and Bacardi is just Puerto Rican shit water. And faggot is tarnished with [[DO NOT WANT|coconuts, pineapples]], and [[Oprah|AIDS]] for total [[Kitten|pussies]] [[faggots|who can't handle the real shit.]] Please note, [[Shit|Bacardi]] sucks [[Buttsex|ass]] (with the exception of the now b& and highly flammable 151 variety), and is widely served in bars of the [[Gay|homosexual]] variety. [[Lie|Not that I would know]]. Commercial "spiced rum" is not spiced rum at all - it's rum with a fuckton of artificial vanilla essence, "Kraken" being the stand-out example of the genre. Vanilla essence is what [[whores]] use for perfume because they spent their money on crack. If you want spiced rum, you have to make your own. | ||
===Tequila=== | ===Tequila=== | ||
Invented by Mexicans [[at least 100 years ago]], tequila (and its buttbaby half-brother, mezcal) is made from the distilled essence of fermented burritos, mixed with the ball-sack sweat of [[Paradox|hard-working Mexican men]] ([[Fact|Actually it's made from the Agave tequilana plant you faggot]]). It tastes like a mixture of paint thinner and sour milk, and drinking it often leads to [[epic lulz]]; '''AKA:''' projectile vomiting (at least in feeble gringos), [[Tubgirl|explosive diarrhea]], and [[hoggin|sex with fat people]]. [[fact|There is even a song about it]]. [[For Great Justice|For proper usage]], one should: | Invented by Mexicans [[at least 100 years ago]], tequila (and its buttbaby half-brother, mezcal) is made from the distilled essence of fermented burritos, mixed with the ball-sack sweat of [[Paradox|hard-working Mexican men]] ([[Fact|Actually it's made from the Agave tequilana plant you faggot]] disregard that, I suck cocks - there is no such thing as a Agave tequilana plant, I just made that shit up). It tastes like a mixture of paint thinner and sour milk, and drinking it often leads to [[epic lulz]]; '''AKA:''' projectile vomiting (at least in feeble gringos), [[Tubgirl|explosive diarrhea]], and [[hoggin|sex with fat people]]. [[fact|There is even a song about it]]. [[For Great Justice|For proper usage]], one should: | ||
# Lick a line of salt. | # Lick a line of salt. | ||
# Down a shot of tequila. | # Down a shot of tequila. | ||
| Line 55: | Line 60: | ||
===Beer=== | ===Beer=== | ||
[[File:Beerviking.jpg|thumb|The average Beer drinker | [[File:Beerviking.jpg|thumb|The average Beer drinker, except this one isn't [[fat]]]] | ||
[[Image:Colt 45 malt liquor.JPG|thumb|left|A prime example of a beer for [[niggers]]]] | [[Image:Colt 45 malt liquor.JPG|thumb|left|A prime example of a beer for [[niggers]]]] | ||
[[Image:Mother-beer-ad.jpg|thumb|Bigger boobs and a quieter baby - it's a win-win]] | [[Image:Mother-beer-ad.jpg|thumb|Bigger boobs and a quieter baby - it's a win-win]] | ||
| Line 97: | Line 102: | ||
A variant of the game involves four bags - a red, a white, a different white, and a mystery goon - anything undrinkable in large quantity. Cheap port is good. | A variant of the game involves four bags - a red, a white, a different white, and a mystery goon - anything undrinkable in large quantity. Cheap port is good. | ||
Winners receive the prize of [[gay|Homosexuality]], [[an hero|An Heroism]], [[hoggin|Sex with Fat Girls]] and Alco[[ | Winners receive the prize of [[gay|Homosexuality]], [[an hero|An Heroism]], [[hoggin|Sex with Fat Girls]] and [[Alcoholic|Alco]][[loli]]sm. | ||
WINE, on the other hand, is used by [[Linux]] [[n00b]]s who are still reluctantly clinging to [[Windows]], and are too [[elitist]] to dual-boot. | WINE, on the other hand, is used by [[Linux]] [[n00b]]s who are still reluctantly clinging to [[Windows]], and are too [[elitist]] to dual-boot. | ||
| Line 106: | Line 111: | ||
===Moonshine=== | ===Moonshine=== | ||
[[Image:Thirsty alcohol jack daniels.gif|thumb|right|Yeah, it's by niggers]] | [[Image:Thirsty alcohol jack daniels.gif|thumb|right|Yeah, it's by niggers]] | ||
Brewed and distilled by crazed, opioid-addled hillbillies in the mountains of Cornhole County, Arkansas; moonshine, much like apple pie and methamphetamine, is a staple product of Americana. It is made by putting some kind of alcoholic substance inside of a still, where the ethanol is boiled into vapors which travel through copper tubing and drip into an old mayonnaise jar. Stupid people often warn that drinking homemade hooch will make you go blind and die, which is obviously a lie invented by the [[party van|Feds]] and the [[List of Terms Referring to a Woman's Period|Women's Christian Temperance Union]]. | Brewed and distilled by crazed, opioid-addled hillbillies in the mountains of Cornhole County, Arkansas; moonshine, much like apple pie and [[amphetamines#meth|methamphetamine]], is a staple product of Americana. It is made by putting some kind of alcoholic substance inside of a still, where the ethanol is boiled into vapors which travel through copper tubing and drip into an old mayonnaise jar. Stupid people often warn that drinking homemade hooch will make you go blind and die, which is obviously a lie invented by the [[party van|Feds]] and the [[List of Terms Referring to a Woman's Period|Women's Christian Temperance Union]]. | ||
===Surrogate Alcohols=== | |||
Surrogate alcohols are consumer products that contain ethanol, but are not designed to be drunk. This, of course, doesn't stop [[niggers]], the [[homeless]], or [[13 year old boy|underage fags]] from trying, and suffering extremely lulzy side effects as a result of being so fucking poor you can't afford a fifth of shitty vodka. Types of surrogate alcohols are listed below. | |||
===Denatured=== | ====Denatured==== | ||
Denatured alcohol is ethanol that has been combined with methanol to ensure that the product cannot be consumed, and eliminate taxes. The funny thing is, it still ''can'' be consumed, just now the person [[lulz|will go blind, shit their pants, and die a horrible, agonizing death just because they were too thirsty to read the warning on the label.]] Not that this stops the [[Polish]] tramps, as where most civilised countries actually add toxins that blind you, all the Polish do is dye it blue and sell it cheap. Fun fact, denatured alcohol is normally just ethanol with other bits added in. Heat at roughly 78°C and condense to produce pure ethanol. Side note, you will still go blind, because [[The Man|The Man]] hates [[Chemistry|chemistry]]. | Denatured alcohol is ethanol that has been combined with methanol to ensure that the product cannot be consumed, and eliminate taxes. The funny thing is, it still ''can'' be consumed, just now the person [[lulz|will go blind, shit their pants, and die a horrible, agonizing death just because they were too thirsty to read the warning on the label.]] Not that this stops the [[Polish]] tramps, as where most civilised countries actually add toxins that blind you, all the Polish do is dye it blue and sell it cheap. Fun fact, denatured alcohol is normally just ethanol with other bits added in. Heat at roughly 78°C and condense to produce pure ethanol. Side note, you will still go blind, because [[The Man|The Man]] hates [[Chemistry|chemistry]]. | ||
===Mouthwash=== | ====Mouthwash==== | ||
This is for when you're so degenerate that even a 5 dollar fifth of importers vodka is breaking your buck. It is a known fact that Listerine is 21.6%. You can tell when someone is drunk off of mouthwash because of the smell (and because they can't read the warning label correctly while attempting to edit ED), and the stuff is so toxic that the drunk will be extra fucked up. It can also cure constipation by giving you horrific | This is for when you're so degenerate that even a 5 dollar fifth of importers vodka is breaking your buck. It is a known fact that Listerine is 21.6%. You can tell when someone is drunk off of mouthwash because of the smell (and because they can't read the warning label correctly while attempting to edit ED), and the stuff is so toxic that the drunk will be extra fucked up. It can also cure constipation by giving you horrific diarrhea. This is the favorite drink of bums that play George Thoroughgood songs on harmonica. For [[Native Americans]]. | ||
====Hand Sanitizer==== | |||
Well, the [[Covid-19]] hoax has been good for something at least. [[Australia|Derros]] are now drinking hand sanitizer. It's subsidized, even free. The more civilized purrell enjoyers will add salt to the sanitizer to pull out the gel for easier consumption, producing a [[cum|milky white liquid]] that tastes like a salty punishment for every sin you've ever committed. And it tastes 4x worse going back up, which it no doubt will. | |||
===Everclear and pure alcohol=== | ===Everclear and pure alcohol=== | ||
| Line 128: | Line 139: | ||
The world's oldest alcoholic drink, mead used to be the only way to get drunk, but, in modern times, it has been replaced by crap like [[piss|Bud Light]]. Nowadays, most mead is <s>homemade by lonely housewives</s> consumed by fat lonely virgin neckbeard Metalheads while listening to Amon Amarth and Enslaved and saying things like "I'm 14/88 German, I'm embracing my ancient Viking heritage", then going to reblog photos of [[neckbeard|Fenriz]] on Tumblr. | The world's oldest alcoholic drink, mead used to be the only way to get drunk, but, in modern times, it has been replaced by crap like [[piss|Bud Light]]. Nowadays, most mead is <s>homemade by lonely housewives</s> consumed by fat lonely virgin neckbeard Metalheads while listening to Amon Amarth and Enslaved and saying things like "I'm 14/88 German, I'm embracing my ancient Viking heritage", then going to reblog photos of [[neckbeard|Fenriz]] on Tumblr. | ||
If you want the nectar of the gods which is mead, there is no way to get it but to make your own. Be aware that honey sold in American supermarkets is fake. For real mead, you need real honey - floral and delicious, and uncut with HFCS. Get onto social media and find beekeepers in your area. Be prepared to pay. It's worth it. | |||
===Perry=== | ===Perry=== | ||
| Line 133: | Line 146: | ||
===Brandy=== | ===Brandy=== | ||
Is to wine as bourbon is to whiskey. The cheap([[Expensive|er]]) stuff is only used to make cocktails. The expensive stuff ( | Is to wine as bourbon is to whiskey. The cheap([[Expensive|er]]) stuff is only used to make cocktails. The expensive stuff (usually of the Hennessey brand), formerly drunk only by [[USI|classy]] people, is now favored by [[Niggers|rap stars]]. [[Shit noone cares about|Oh, and you can also cook shit with it]]. | ||
===Gin=== | ===Gin=== | ||
| Line 150: | Line 163: | ||
== Effects of Alcohol == | == Effects of Alcohol == | ||
[[File:DrunkorDead.jpg|thumb|right|200px|I like my women like I like my drinks: Cold and Stiff]] | |||
*Blurred vision | *Blurred vision | ||
*Being awesome | *Being awesome | ||
| Line 275: | Line 289: | ||
== See Also == | == See Also == | ||
*[[Avoiding Unwanted Attention]] | |||
*[[Legal Drinking Age]] | *[[Legal Drinking Age]] | ||
*[[Aboriginal]] | *[[Aboriginal]] | ||
| Line 281: | Line 296: | ||
*[[Crystal Head Vodka]] | *[[Crystal Head Vodka]] | ||
*[[Drugs]] | *[[Drugs]] | ||
*[[Drunk]] | |||
*[[Drunk dial]] | *[[Drunk dial]] | ||
*[[Hangover]] | *[[Hangover]] | ||
| Line 286: | Line 302: | ||
*[[Decantering]] | *[[Decantering]] | ||
*[[Dying Alone]] | *[[Dying Alone]] | ||
*[[Self Ruin]] | *[[Self Ruin]] | ||
*[[SHOTS]] | *[[SHOTS]] | ||
| Line 305: | Line 320: | ||
{{Food}} | {{Food}} | ||
{{Timeline|Featured article April 5, [[2008]]|[[ITT Tech]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Chuggo]]}} | {{Timeline|Featured article April 5, [[2008]]|[[ITT Tech]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Chuggo]]}} | ||
{{Timeline|Article of the Now November 7 & 8, [[2022]]|[[Serbia]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[MySpace]]}} | |||
