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[[Image:Calton.jpg|thumb|right|Calton Bolick]]
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'''Calton Bolick''' is without a doubt the biggest bullying, egocentric crybaby on the [[internet]] today. He is a well known troll, libeler, and character assassin on Wikipedia.[http://www.sfweekly.com/2008-02-13/news/wikipedia-idiots-the-edit-wars-of-san-francisco/#comments]  He recently returned to [[Wikipedia]] after being [[ban]]ned. (See [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Calton User talk:Calton])  Although his much-deserved and highly anticipated block was only for 24 hours, Calton threw a hissy fit and refused to edit for three weeks.  If he was waiting for the masses to beg him to come back, he was sorely disappointed.  Not only did most of Wikipedia not even realize that he was gone, but the ever-growing group of people that are offended by Calton's very existence rejoiced over his self-imposed exile.  It was a cold, sad day when he returned. He stupidly tried to blank an ED page about him with a [[vandal]] [[Sockpuppet|account]] [http://web.archive.org/web/20071130130125/http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Bureaucratic_Fuck&diff=1997296027&oldid=1997294513], and then cried like a bitch when someone confronted him on one of his thousand blogs.  He has already been blocked again, for the same old fucktard behavior (someone he didn't like removed a [[Lie]] from an article, so he replaced it and then hurled insults at anyone who said maybe he shouldn't do that anymore).  After one month and three days of peace, Calton returned on December 23rd and continued his "[http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Calton&diff=prev&oldid=179772270 brand] of [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Calton&diff=prev&oldid=179757757 humor]", including reverting someone's talk page from [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Freethinker1of1&diff=prev&oldid=179761693 September].  Safe money is on another block real soon.

== UPDATE Calton gets teh banhammer ==
Apparently Calton upset the wrong people this time and nothing Guy could do could help him[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Administrators%27_noticeboard/IncidentArchive462#User:Calton]
Hahahaha Wiki drops the ban hammer on Calton [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_talk:Calton]

Calton's response?

'''Request reason: "Exactly as I expected: not for vandalism; not for damaging the encyclopedia; not for disruption; not for impairing in any way the actual work of building and/or improving the encyclopedia; not for attempting to hijack the encyclopedia to promote myself, fringe views, businesses, or a opinions; not for promulgating hate; not even, as the boilerplate text above says falsely in this case, making unconstructive contributions. Nope, as punishment -- not as a preventative measure -- for insufficiently sucking up to the wounded pride of the self-assuming authority figures. For not accepting "Because I'm the boss" as an actual rationale for administrator behavior nor thinking that wielding admin buttons in service of petty vendettas is woth overlooking, and for daring to say that vague handwaving and authoritarian threats are not ACTUAL ways of co-operative editing: actual recourse to actual arguments, actual policy, and actual common sense -- as opposed to to those who've mistaken Wikipedia for social-networking site with themselves as leaders wielding power in some virtual club."'''


==Making of a monster==
His parents were more than likely related before they got married, and I would not be too surprised if his father in fact, forced himself onto his "me so hor-ney" mother.[http://www.sfweekly.com/2008-02-13/news/wikipedia-idiots-the-edit-wars-of-san-francisco/#comments]

Growing up on a different [[Military|Air Force]] base every few months as his father was kicked from one to another, Calton developed a highly anti-social and sarcastic personality. While this may have been entertaining to his father (who was usually too drunk to care) or his mother (who still believed in Santa Claus at this point), the other children wouldn't allow Calton to play in any reindeer games.

Or any games for that matter.

Thanks to his bleak and cheerless childhood, Calton grew into a foul and horrible teenager.  Unable to [[Autism|master simple social skills]] and interact with his peers, Calton began to torture animals and small children, not with violence, but by making them sit still while he repeatedly recited his mantra: "I'm great, I'm wonderful, and doggone it, people like me!"  Eventually he blackmailed his way into the [[College|University of California at Berkley]], even though his chosen major, [[liberal]] fascism, was unavailable.  Thinking it would help him score with the ladies, Calton majored in English where he spent his time reading "stories" and managed to manipulate, intimidate, and cheat his way to a solid C- average.  After hundreds of complaints that Calton was a peeping-tom who had been spying on and stalking several of the other students on campus, UC Berkley decided to grant Calton his degree and help him land a job...on another continent.  Thus, unfortunately, Calton was sent out into the world with no real-life skills or social skills; without an actual education; and, most sadly, without ever having touched a girl's breast.

It was during his time at [[College|University of California at Berkley]] that Calton developed a fondness for theatre. As a former ''subscriber'' (how impressive!) to the Berkley Repertory Theatre, Calton considers himself an expert on all things theatrical. The fact that he clearly doesn't understand anything about the entertainment industry doesn't stop him from pontificating and passing arbitrary judgements. Afterall, in Calton's world, if you've seen a play in your lifetime, that qualifies you as an expert on theatre. He dedicates much of his time on Wikipedia to wiki-stalking, harrassing and defaming actors, directors and other theatre professionals. Nothing seems to make Calton's day, like getting an actors bio deleted.

==Wikipedia==
One night, while jacking off to [[12chan]], Calton found his true calling in life...being a [[VFD|Deletionist]] fanatic on Wikipedia. Through three years Calton has created [[Divide by zero|0]]...as in [[Fake editor|ZERO new content]]. Instead, he launched himself on a quest to delete anything and everything he could possibly get his hands on. Not content to delete such unknown articles such as "Theoretical Economic measuring of the Moldovan Agricultural Market 1998", Calton's proudest moment came when he vigorously tried multiple times to get the entry for "It's the Juggernaut Bitch" deleted because "Fox News, MTV, and CNN are not reliable sources to show the link between the [[YouTube]] video 'I'm the Juggernaut Bitch' and the line said in 'X-Men 3'".

Despite his best efforts, Calton failed. His parting words to those who voted to keep the article: "Bogosity!!!" (Whatever the fuck that means.)

While Calton may be accused of many, many, many disgusting and immoral things, one thing he will never be accused of is originality.  Of course, he spends so much time harassing the "little people" on Wikipedia that he couldn't possibly think of new things to say to all of them.  Instead he makes use of some annoying stock phrases:

Any person who dares to call him a manipulating, [[E-lawyer|wikilawyering]], bully of a loser (which he is) is instantly accused of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection psychological projection]:
Here on [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Freecyprus&diff=prev&oldid=155600919 September 4th], [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Natevoodoo&diff=prev&oldid=156629713 September 9th], and [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Burgieman30&diff=prev&oldid=157854495 September 14th].  Hmm, ironic, isn't it...

Another of his favorites is to employ the old adage of "the pot calling the kettle black":
[http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:VanTucky&diff=prev&oldid=142595291 Here]

A new "Caltonism" is appearing; it seems that for some reason he thinks that he is the only human who has grasped punctuation as he constantly feels the need to use the phrase "period/full stop".  What the hell is this all about?  Is he lapsing into dementia and thinking fondly of his youth, when they used telegraphs to communicate?  A user [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Calton&diff=prev&oldid=190115080 showed Calton] that he when he says his famous "period/full stop", he is actually saying "period/period" (as "Full Stop" is it's own period).  He came back with his [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Flatsky&diff=prev&oldid=190115631 usual dribble].  It also appears "Ameriucan" is now the official spelling of "American", according to Calton.  Other memorable incidents include his 46-word run-on sentence in his user page. Ironically, the word ''subject'' in that sentence has no clear antecedent!

Like most losers, Calton refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. His strategy for doing so is predictable: (1) respond to criticism by changing the subject — i.e., criticizing the critic, (2) quoting his critics out of context, and (3) exhausting his opponents through his dry, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Miller Dennis Miller]-wannabe "humor."

His actions are protected by the administrator [[JzG]].

This very page was copied to Calton's Wikipedia [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Calton&curid=1165378&diff=191584922&oldid=191584784 userpage] and [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Calton&curid=12721245&diff=191585044&oldid=191540575 talkpage] where it stayed for about 10 minutes before being reverted.  This page is now permanently part of the history of both pages.

===Talk page rules===
The following are Calton's rules for posting to his talk page (modified, of course, so that those of us who haven't devoted our lives to Wikipedia worship will know what he ''really'' means):
#I am not an admin, '''I just act like one and have my friends tell you that I [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:VigilancePrime/A002&diff=155193161&oldid=155192119 am].''' 
#This also means, of course, I cannot undelete your page/article, nor [[unblock]] you. I can, however, offer you a '''poisoned''' cookie. 
#If you are here to make an argument dependent on arcane or convoluted interpretations of Wikipedia guidelines or rules, '''then please be aware that no one does that better than I and I will wikilawyer you to death.'''  I've been there, done that, got the '''XXXL''' t-shirt, thankyouverymuch. 
#There is no Rule 4, '''but I reserve the right to make up new rules and expect you to follow them, although I will not.''' 
#Don't post when drunk. Seriously.  '''I did that once, and that is how people found out that I am a fat, 46-year-old virgin.''' 
#All communication sent via the "E-mail this user" link is considered public, at my discretion, '''because, if you haven't figured it out yet, everything in Wikipedia is done at my discretion.'''
#Do not assume I'm stupid, '''there is no need.  I prove it on a daily basis.'''  I do not respond well to having my intelligence insulted '''although I will insult yours at every given opportunity.''' 
#Don't lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. Do I look like Montel Williams? Do I? NO? Then don't lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. '''Nope, we can't improve on that one...I mean, who the hell watches Montell Williams anymore???
#Especially bogus, hostile, and/or trolling remarks are subject to disemvoweling, '''That's remarks by people other than me, of course.''' 
#Please post at the bottom of the page and "sign" your posts using 4 tildes (~). '''Yeah, seriously, do this one. It makes it easier to find your talk page for flaming, which is the best part of any interaction with Calton.'''
#Please extinguish all cigarettes, as this is a No Smoking page. '''Hmmm, maybe Calton hasn't realized that Wikipedia is not real...'''

=== Cyber Stalking ===
Because sometimes defamimg and libeling people, deleting bios and user pages, and generally harrassing people just isn't enough fun for this sick fuck; he's been known to stalk his victims off-wiki. There appear to be a special little group of people that Calton has perverse obsessions with. Among them is a psychologist and author who has dedicated nearly his entire website to chronicaling Calton's cyberstalking activities. [http://www.fireflysun.com/book/Berkeley_Wikipedia_cyberstalking.php] Apparently, wanna-be writer Calton, has also caused some trouble on Amazon.com, writing spurious reviews of books he's never even read under an online alias.

Calton hates the U.S. Navy SEALs and wants a Soviet-style [[wikipedia:Political commissar|Political commissar]] assigned to every military unit.  He makes this opinion known on every military blog he can and is baffled as to why these grunts and jarheads aren't impressed when he tells them he's a Wikipedia admin.[http://bobmccarty.com/2009/12/08/charges-against-navy-seals-published/][http://web.archive.org/web/20100210042728/http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2009/12/powerful-ad-release-support-the-navy-seals]  He also really wants ''[[wikipedia:Mass killings under Communist regimes|Mass killings under Communist regimes]]'' deleted. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/Communist_genocide]  Make of this what you will.

==Blogs and other pages==
In spite of an insane dedication to the [[cult]] of [[Jimbo Wales]], Calton still finds time to maintain over [[9000]] blogs and websites each devoted to his mundane job of teaching in Japan and his pursuit of  the sweet flesh of underage boys.

Although he claims he's an [[Fake editor|editor]], he's really a school teacher. It's amazing he gets anything done, because (I'm serious) he has(1) [http://calton.vox.com/ a VOX blog], (2) [http://calton.typepad.com/ a typepad blog], (3) [http://blogs.salon.com/0001306/ a Salon blog], (4) [http://calton.blogspot.com/ a Blogspot blog], (5) [http://web.mac.com/caltonbolick/Site/Blog/Blog.html a Mac blog], (6) [http://www.flickr.com/people/calton/ a Flickr page], (7) [http://www.well.com/user/calton a well.com page], (8) [http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A2LQUDZ0T48PTQ/ref=cm_aya_bb_pdp/103-3487567-7593419 an amazon.com page], (9) [http://calton.fotopages.com/ a Fotopages page], (10) [http://www.facebook.com/srch.php?nm=Calton+Bolick a Facebook page], (11) a [http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=10916864 Linked-in page], (12) a [http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=109313747 MySpace page], (13) a [http://www.youtube.com/user/CaltonB YouTube page], (14) a [http://www.vimeo.com/user410660 Vimeo page], and, of course, (15) a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Calton Wikipedia page]. Vanity thy name is Calton!

According to Calton's linked profile [http://www.linkedin.com/pub/3/7A5/768], this vociferous blogger and notorious Wikipedian left his position as an editor for a Japanese software company in June of 2007, after three years and seven months. Can it be that his former employer may have finally gotten wise to the fact that Calton was spending nearly all his time harassing people on Wikipedia? His voluminouus edit history [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Calton] seems to say it all in terms of his workplace productivity.

==Quotations==

{{quote|Give it up buckwheat, nothing is going to happen to me. I can do what I want, when I want, however I want and the bleating unwashed masses can spew forth their bogostic blabberings as much as they want, I'm untouchable. You should learn that by now you dyke.}}

{{quote|... as you slovenly pickananies should know, is a well known troll, libeler, and character assassin on Wikipedia. His parents were more than likely related before they got married, and I would not be too surprised if his father in fact, forced himself onto his "me so hor-ney" mother.}}

{{quote|I have spent many years building up an impeccable reputation online and I shall not have it tarnished by the inane blabberings.}}

{{quote|I have been in the USA consulting with my lawyers as to the next steps that need to be taken in order to punish this poor excuse of a "newspaper" for defaming, slandering, libeling, and harrassing me.}}

{{quote|Today I just got a shipment of books from Daedalus Books . . . ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy''. Yes, I really do need help.}}

{{quote|If you're one of the those various trolls...<sup>[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Calton]</sup>}}

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