View source for Reddit/Reddit Copypasta

Here is a collection of some of the more memorable copypasta posts that have sprung up on Reddit. Some of them have become legendary, while others are well-loved but fairly unknown. Read at your own risk.

== /r/AdviceAnimals ==

===The Memer===
Let me preface this by saying that I've been a memer since they first appeared on 4chan circa 2006 (ages ago in internet time). I remember refreshing /b/ all afternoon with the hope that someone would make a new meme. I was a memer back when Advice Dog was the only one and I still upvote every Advice Dog meme I see becasue of the fond rush of nostalgia it brings me. Nowadays, there are many thousand on quickmeme and other meme websites. I was a memer back before memegenerator was created (the first meme website) and I had to make them with MS Powerpoint or Paint. Speaking of meme websites, I was one of the first submitters to memebase.com and still have one of the top accounts there despite having migrated to reddit nearly 2 years ago. It was on 4chan and memebase where I cut my teeth creating memes, way before I had a reddit account and way before /r/adviceanimals was created in late 2010. Back before I could get any sort of points or even username recognition, I was creating memes as a clever and easily digestible way to reflect on society, relate some story to my audience, or just be funny.

Do you remember rich raven? No? I do. You probably don't remember depression dog, crazy girlfriend praying mantis, introspective pug, or friendzone Johnny either. I remember all of them. In fact, you have only submitted two posts to adviceanimals garnering a total of just 4 points and have not commented there any time recently. So please, respect my judgement regarding the direction of the subreddit and the integrity of posts I have held dear to my heart for nearly 7 years but you have no strong feelings for.

Thanks.

===To the person who has already downvoted my post===
To the person who has already downvoted my post, you must be the most shitty, lonely, pitiful piece of shit on this planet. You could've looked at the shitty meme, thought it was shitty, because it is, and you could've let it go. Oh, but that wouldn't be enough, would it? You had to express your dubiousness towards it via physically aiming for the downvote icon, and clicking, using muscles in your judgemental hand of justice. What do you do all day? Do you just browse reddit with such a negative mindset that you have to actually downvote everything that doesn't make you skeet? "This skeet post didn't make me skeet. Only I make me skeet. Everything must know it sucks, so I shall downvote the non-make-me-skeet-ers." That's you. Go die. I don't care how, just die.

== /r/Anime ==

=== I strongly desire for my life to be an anime ===

I have vivid dreams all of the time about anime characters. I fall in love with characters in anime (literally). I much more enjoy the personalities. I'm speaking my mind when I say that I find the girls in animes personalities to be much more attractive than in real life. 


I am kind of depressed sometimes because I desire so strongly for my life to be a fictional world. I'm not sure if this is leading me to a bad place, all I can say is that sometimes I have these great dreams that won't go away.


Last night I had a dream that I was in a group with two anime-friends, one named Shiori (name from date-a-live but looked like the red-head girl) and a taller, more beautiful version of the blue-haired girl that wasn't too smart but very cute. I was texting the red-head on my phone I was worried that the blue-hair hadn't talked for a few days and was wondering if she'd snap or something. We were in an alternate, kind of dangerous universe. I remember there was a bathroom I entered with ratings from other players? or something of the sort. For some reason and I kid you not... sometimes the shits would manifest themselves with teeth and jump at you or whatever, and two of the stalls were filled with shits, so I went in the stall with only one shit (and didn't flush beforehand...). We were striving though a game-like world where if you entered the cieling that was made of white cieling tiles, you could somehow die. But for some reason we found a dead end and conclused that somehow the maze creator found a way to simulate this and ended up taking the risk traveling through a cieling to get to our next area, which looked like an esophagus with lots of monsters at the end that I couldn't make out because they were blury but my brain assumed they were weak. We ended up deciding not to go on and went back to the "spawn area" of the world which was a bunch of desks and cabinets around. We could open a portal back to our town but we had to be careful because if anything followed us it could prove dangerous. I almost brought a blue pony back in my arms and shiori shut the door on me because she didn't want anything else to get through, i had to open it and step back into the world. I kept trying to read our text conversation but when I opened drawers in the spawn area I was afraid of something manifesting out of them so it was kind of scary. The world was like a downward tube.


Anyways, my dreams just seem awesome but sometimes make me sad. This is the first time in a while I haven't smoked pot for around four months except for a single day, so I've finally got my REM sleep back and have really been trying to remember my dreams the next day.

Life is just so plain, I work my ass off all the time and at the end of the day I'm still not satisfied with where I am at. I am going to start drawing because I hope that it will be a mind-relaxing experience that will allow me to draw some of my favorite characters eventually. Besides that I don't have too many hobbies. I'm going to join the anime club when I return to college in 5 weeks. I just don't know how to be happy without anime. I want to live-breathe it. I want an anime girlfriend ... idk. Like, I need to figure out what makes you guys tick, and how you guys find happiness. I just showed you my guts, so ...

==/r/AskReddit==

===Doritos===

This actually happened to a lady who is a close family friend.
At one point, she worked at a convalescent home; not just for old people either. It was for folks who were a little nuts and couldn't take care of themselves. One lady there has this disorder. She thinks EVERYTHING is food, as in she'd eat her dinner and then start trying to eat the napkins. As you can guess, she ended up morbidly obese. She was too fat for the showers, so they had to take her out back and hose her down like an elephant. Since she was so fat, she had a lot of rolls, and they couldn't get everywhere. Now, one day the family friend is making her rounds of the complex, and was stopped by this dude in a wheelchair. He mumbles something at her. "Bitch stole my Doritos..." "What?" "That fat lady stole my Doritos and SHE WON'T GIVE 'EM BACK!" "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll get your chips back for you." She goes into the fat lady's room. She's in their with the chips and nothing else. Buck naked, with her legs spread. There's this thick almost gelatinous discharge in the fat lady's vagina. And she's dipping the chips. And eating it. With that cheese drip on pizza stretch effect. She apparently had this big smile as it dripped down her chin.

===Everything you think you love is a LIE===

You fucking love the allusions? Do you want to know what I love? Fucking beautiful women. Making them cum by only saying "Take off your clothes.". Being their master. Being their man. I also love being the best in everything I do. And, indeed, I am the best at everything I do. Great job, huge levels of intelligence, great body, respected by everyone and being the dream of every woman of this planet. In conclusion, I love everything about my life. What do you love? NOTHING. Because you are still living in the caves. Everything you think you love is a LIE.

===I'm part of the 1% of Reddit===

I'd bet you 100$ that I'm part of the 1% of Reddit that isn't on here because of nothing better in their lives. That dude would get laughed out of any place with halfway decent women where I live and chill, and that girl would be waiting for him at one of the two places he'd inevitably start spending time at. There's a reason both of these freaks are together.

And I'd bet you another 100$ that you're a virgin and if not, judging by your tastes, I've never touched a girl as bad as the best girl you've gotten with. I don't blame you for assuming on Reddit, hence the one percent, but with tastes like yours, you shouldn't be.

===The Jolly Rancher Story===

Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.
He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help.
In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher.
It was a nodule of gonorrhea.
As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a fucking Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth...
He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and fucked some random guy and the stupid bitch had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.
So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else.

===The Panty-Sniffer===

I honestly think I have a serious problem in regards to this. I have ALWAYS wanted to smells women's panties for as long as I can remember. I remember that their was this hot teachers assistant in my preschool and I always wanted to sniff her chair after she would get up, I came really close to doing it a couple times. Then the first time I actually got a hold of some real panties was at my friends house when I was around 15, his mom would go jogging in the same sweats everyday and leave the thong she had worn right next to the sweats. I still remember that pungent smell of her vagina and that stinky smell of her ass, her vagina would always leave behind globs of cumm on the sweats and panties and I would run my teeth across it to scrape it off and taste her sweet cumm. Oh and by the way my friends mom was HOTT, I don't mean conventional hot I mean pornstar hot, I put a post of her on /r/milf[1] and she got close to 1000 upvotes, me and another friend think she bares a striking resemblance to Lisa Ann. Then at my other friends house I walked into his bathroom and their in the hamper were his sisters dirty panties. I stayed in the toilet for an hour smelling and licking them, THOSE were the best panties I have ever smelled. She was 23 and her panties were these extra small super bright colored hollitster panties and they had streaks on the vagina part but most importantly they had streaks on the ass crack part, not poo stains but rather sweat ass stains. But my most recent venture in smelling panties has been my mother in laws panties, my wifes mother. She's definitely a milf too but more of a real life "hot mom", and every chance I get (lets say her mother in law is sleeping and my wife is in the bathroom I) I rummage through her hamper and take a pair out and steal them to jerk off with. Her mom is pretty hot she's thick but in a good way, she has a flat stomach but a HUGE ass she wears a XL thong. My wife has a huge ass too and I'm talking about actually big (she's from Brazil) but my mother in law's ass is godly, she would put Kim K away no exaggeration. I just love to picture that tight thong swallowed up in her ass and collecting that sweet ass sweat and stench. I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaay more obsessed with the whole ass smell, I just love thinking that the panties have been rubbing up against that particular women's asshole all day. Don't get me wrong I'm not into shit or feces, what I like is the asshole and that stench a women might get from showing in the morning, then doing errands all day and finally working out to get that natural animal like stench oozing out of their ass crack. I really like the smell of a women when she is bent over doggy style and her ass stinks and the smell is wafting up to my nose with every thrust. Every time I have sex with my wife I eat out her asshole EVERYTIME, that is unless she feels really dirty because she hasn't showered has diarrhea or some thing like that. I am currently majoring in psychology and a couple years ago I pinpointed why I have this obsession with panties and the anal area.

===Warlizard's Debut===

My ex-fiance' worked at a vet and her job included jacking off the dogs for the purpose of artificial insemination. I didn't realize that it was a labor of love until she mentioned her first orgasm came from a dog.

Yeah, turned out she REALLY liked dogs. I never looked at our dog the same way again. Oddly enough, she kept him when we broke up.

We were sitting on the couch one night watching TV when she blurted out that her first orgasm came from a dog. I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, WTF?, but on the other hand, this was a woman I'd asked to marry me. So I asked for clarification. She said she was 13 or 14 and was sitting naked in her room when her dog came up to her sniffing around. He started licking, it felt good so she let him keep doing it, then she came.

===The Cumbox===
Well, it is exactly what it sounds like. It's a shoebox, or at least once was, and whenever I masturbate I cum into it. I've had it for two or three years now I think, so it has a fair amount of cum. It smells atrocious, and I tried to burn it once. When I lit it on fire, it was too damp due to the cum that it simply sizzled and didn't manage to actually lite up. Turns out burning cum smells awful, so I had to spray it with a deodorant body spray just to get the old smell of burnt cum away. It also has some drenched papers stuck to it. That's pretty much it.

EDIT 2: A lot of people are asking me, why? Well, I'm apparently a rather disturbed individual. But, it just kind of happened, bought new shoes and needed someplace to cum, used the box. It just escalated from there, kept using it each time, telling myself I would throw it out soon. Never did, two or three years later, I still have it. It was planned or anything, it just happened.

EDIT 3: Fuck, this really exploded. ~20,000+ views of my cum box. Did not expect this.

Edit 4: I often get PMed about updates or current status of the box, generally a few a week. So I might as well update this post, if anyone even gets linked here anymore. Current status, I have created life. Mold has begun to grow in the box and has taken over a fair amount. Smells a bit worse, mainly due to a damper apartment so it does not dry as fast, hence the reason why the mold has begun. 
 
I will never be rid of my need for it. I hate and love the box, just as I hate and love myself.

== /r/Atheism ==

=== /u/NukeThePope fawns over a 15-year-old girl ===
Allow us old men the small luxury of fawning over you. It’s really… exciting when a (presumably) clever and friendly mind comes in such a pretty package. You are the girlfriend most of us would love to have.

It’s not that we don’t take you seriously as an atheist/scientist/whatever. It’s that people who are knowledgeable about this stuff are a dime a dozen but people who are both knowledgeable and hot looking are much rarer.

Meanwhile, while everybody’s (figuratively) climbing all over you, is your mother already doing anything tonight?? ;)

EDIT: To the horde of assholes who choose to be offended at this comment, please take note: At the time I wrote this it wasn’t yet known that she’s 15. I’d guessed her to be between 17 and 21. No, I don’t want a 15 year old girlfriend, and my own personal standards of “young girl” are meanwhile at age 30. But I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that many Redditors, if she turned out to be legal, would be only too happy to have a pretty girlfriend like her. If you have a problem with that statement, then fuck you.

=== The Great Escape - Homosexual, Saudi Arabian Edition ===

My life is miserable, and I cannot take it any more. Homosexuality, atheism, and apostasy are punishable by death here. Everywhere I look, I see blatant bigotry, inequality, homophobia, sexism, superstition, jihad-mongering, cruelty, and ignorance, things that would be over-the-top if it were elements in a post-apocalyptic movie. Imams calling for a holy war. Scholars stating that women are inferior to men. My father fondly recites anti-Semitic Hitler quotes. My mother constantly asks me to leave Facebook because it was founded by an atheist. My friends are anticipating the day when the caliphate system returns and Muslims rule the world. On Fridays, I listen to a lunatic rant and rave for half an hour, and then end his stellar performance by praying for the decimation of Jews and Americans. The worst is that during those events, I have to shut up and pretend to agree with the person. My life is absolutely unbearable; I will change it or end it, either one is better than my current condition.

I left Islam a little over a year and a half ago. I was discussing what the Libyan rebels did to Muammar Gaddafi with a friend. He, in trying to prove it was okay, mentioned stories of how Muhammad handled similar situations. One story was about how one of Muhammad's minions split an elderly woman if half by tying her legs to two camels and then sending them running in opposite directions. Mohammad did not disapprove of that and actually took the woman's beautiful daughter for himself.

That was the first time in my life that my morals collided with Islam. There was no escaping it, too, as the stories could not be dismissed as fabrications. I shivered in horror as I saw my whole worldview crumble in front of me, I was shaking off nineteen years' worth of indoctrination. I had been a Muslim for so long that it seemed like Islam could not be untrue. Eventually, I became an atheist, and shortly thereafter started coming to terms with my sexuality.

I have been pretending for a year and a half now that I am someone else, but I cannot keep it up without going insane. I am reaching my breaking point; the psychological toll this facade is taking on me is getting too huge. I am losing hope and thinking about suicide more with each passing moment. It is not that want to kill myself, I just see suicide as a last resort to escape my predicament. Last year, I applied to universities abroad, but to no avail. I tried to apply again recently but I found that most universities' deadlines have passed. I have lost all hope in the college option, which now leaves me with two options: emigration and asylum. Emigration is out of the question, since I cannot afford it and do not have a college degree. Getting my degree is also out of the question, I cannot spend three more years here and still have enough dedication to study. My depression and anxiety is already affecting my grades significantly. The only viable option that I can see is asylum. And since I have no one to turn to for help, I am asking you guys. Can anyone out there please help me out? What are the best (preferably English-speaking) countries in terms of their asylum laws? And is my situation enough to apply for asylum? I am fearing persecution (imprisonment, flogging, and death) from the government as a result of my religion and sexual orientation.

tl;dr gay atheist from Saudi Arabia looking for help to seek asylum

=== Walmart ===

So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.

===The Great Escape===

"So, yesterday morning, I drove to THEIR church for this retreat. The first several hours consisted of sitting around in an all-purpose room and doing silly activites and icebreakers. There were only about 15-20 people there (ages 16-50 probably), but try as I did, I could not connect with them. I pretended to be religious, but it seemed as though their religion was all that there was to these people. While I was having my lunch of Cool Ranch Doritos (the only good part of this whole thing!), it dawned on me that I can connect better to atheists because they (we :)) are deeper people. We don't have this crap religion to fill all the voids in our personality, so we make up for it with actual purpose and being interesting. I wiped the Cool Ranch crumbs out of my beard, and, for the first time in 20 years, felt happy at church because of this realization.

Right before the end of the retreat, we had one last activity. We passed around a big plastic ball, and whoever was holding it had to talk about what he/she learned at the retreat. People spewed all this bullshit about love and Jesus and strength, and eventually the ball made its way to me. I had tied my Geoxes tight in preparation for this moment. I stood up, gently pushed the ball away, and said, "I'm sorry, but I can no longer go on like this. I am an atheist -- a proud, intelligent, skeptical atheist. Sitting around here today and hearing all of the nonsense flow from each of your mouths has shown me that I need to start living the life I want to live. I can no longer live this charade. I am an atheist, and as much as you think you love this imaginary sky magician, your children or grandchildren will be atheists once logic reigns supreme and Christianity is wiped out. Thank you and good day, sirs."

Just as I was about to walk away, some big guy grabbed the ball and threw it right at my face. Hours and hours of MUGEN have honed my reflexes pretty well, so I was able to roll to the side and dodge the ball as flew into the kitchen doorway behind me. The woman next to me then reached out and clawed at my neck, but I spun as I was standing up and I think my ponytail whipped into her eyes because she fell back. I heard angry shouts and people coming after me as I ran into the kitchen. I saw the ball sitting on the floor and one of the stove burners still on. Knowing science, I grabbed the ball and put it on top of the burners, and as the angry mob of "good Christians" filled the kitchen, the ball popped with a gunshot-like noise long enough to daze them. I was a bit high on adrenaline at the moment, so I pumped my fist in the air and shouted "Science always wins!" before I ran out of the kitchen, into the hallway, and out the door to my car. I popped in a Megadeth CD and floored it (left some tiremarks in their parking lot) and here I am now, in a strip mall parking lot on my laptop.

I'm afraid of what I will face when I get home. A priest has probably already contacted my family. Everyone else in my family is a devout Christian, I guess you could call them fundies. My mom and sister will be mad, but it's my dad that will be the worst. I don't doubt that he will be violent. I'm watching kenjutsu videos as I write this and I am going to stop at the woods nearby to find a nice sturdy branch, so I think I will be able to defend myself when the need arises. I'm glad that I did this, but I fear I will no longer be welcome in my home. I plan on spending the night here and going home in the morning when he will be at his weakest so I can gather my things.

Thanks for listening to what was probably the most life-changing day of my life and sorry for any typos.

TL;DR: I came out as an atheist at a church retreat, only to be chased out by a violent horde and now I might not be able to return home."
===Atheism Rap===

Thank you. But when I read the title, I was hoping for a rap:

I'm an old-school atheist and I'm here to say,

As you flock to /r/atheism, I yell "Hooray!"

I've been doing this ish since before it was cool,

So let me take a quick moment to take y'all to school.

Disbelieving in god ain't always the easiest,

But those fundie mothafuckas is truly the sleaziest.

It ain't always easy, but it's definitely worth it,

Because /r/atheism, you're truly the shit.

Yo, if you believe in Islam

I'm here to tell you, sorry, you're wrong.

I know you think that Allah is the bomb,

But mostly you're deluded misogynist dongs.

And for all of you there who are my Christian bros,

Messin' with your 12-year old alter boy "hos,"

We're here to say your beliefs are whack

There ain't no god and your pope's a quack.

And finally, that brings me to my friends, the Jews.

Please don't think we forgot about you.

Don't believe that since you been around a little longer,

That your ideas on Yahweh ain't wronger.

World-wide floods? Partin seas? A talking bush?

Sounds like OG stoners been smoking the kush.

So the next time you're debating getting on your knees,

/R/atheism is here to beg you, please,

Try today, to just think for yourself.

It's good for the world, and it's good for your health.

=== Strong. Then Kill. ===

I hate those prisons. I truly hate them. I'm really sorry you had to go through what I went... I guess I'll share my story, and hopefuly I'll make some people realize that these camps are... more than evil. As a kid I really denied any form of authority. I often harrased teachers, and the idea of a great man in the sky ruling over me was not only ridicoulous to me, but also hazardous... I came out to my (extremist) parents at the age of 14. They cried, threatened me, did everything they could to turn me back into a robot... About 1 month after I came out, 3 men came into my house at night, and told me to stay quiet and walk with them. I tought it was a kidnapping, as most people who experience this... I walked into the van, and they explained themselelves. I was shocked and filled with hate, but I knew I shouldn't do anything, the van was small and I couldn't defend myself. My first day at that prison was horrible... everything I did was supervised, and also controlled. The only time I got some "privacy" was at night, 10 o'clock. After 1 week I just couldn't take the authority, and I was put in isolation. Two months. Two. ****ing. Months. After the first month I began hearing voices in my head, and after another week, the voices formed into a big, strong voice... I only had one conversation with it.

Voice : "Escape." Me : "How?" Voice : "Strong. Then Kill."

After the last sentence I never heard it again. But it was enough. I knew my goal. At the time I had about 100 lbs... I was skinny, I didn't have force... I was helpless. Every time I got out of isolation, I said "**** God.". All I did in isolation was exercise. I was so full of hate I didn't care about time... In there there was no natural light, just a little crack... I had no clock, so I would just look at the crack while exercising.. Everytime light started to get through the crack, meaning it was day, it was a great achievment. I felt.. great. Small things where all I had, so it was incredible... I exercised in there for 8 months... breaks of 20 minutes, exercises for 1 and a half. And repeat. Repeat. Repeat... After 8 months, I finnaly got out... everyone was so surprised I didn't shout "**** God.". For about 4 days I was heavily looked at by all the guards... that was the day I began the brainwashing. They thought the isolation broke me down. It only made me stronger. Everytime I entered the brainwashing room I would see a broken window. The room was on the first floor, so I could get out without too much damage. But I was... nowhere. Nowhere meaning a forest. I could run, of course, but how long would the forest last? I didn't know. Forest was freedom. Freedom is good. So I got to get in the forest. One day, instead of the 5 athletic guys that went with me to the room, there were only 2 janitors. I was so surprised... yet calm. I knew that was my day. As I was approaching the window, I felt some adrenaline going up my spine... I quickly headlocked one guy while kicking the other with one foot, and managed to pull a neck break on the headlocked guy.. I got ready, then jumped off the window. I fell, rolled, and managed to don't get hurt bad... I was running, running, running... I could hear some sounds, but I was so thrilled I didn't pay attention.. after about 4km running I finnaly stopped. I could feel freedom. It was... beautiful. I heard a "*! Watch how you're driving, man!". My instinct moved me, and I approaced a yellow car... "Please.. just.. let me come." The guy looked at me surprised, then told me to get in. After about half an hour, when I recovered, he asked me my story, but I was still afraid. What if he would get me to the cops? What if he was one of them? I didn't know. I just said "No time to explain. Where are you going?". He said Florida. I arrived in Florida at the age of 15. I'm 19 now, and I never spoke with my parents again, and will never do it. I truly hate them. But the experience made me realize how important free will is. .. aaaaand I grew *ing awesome muscles. Thanks for reading so far ! I means a lot to me that I can share my story... it hurts even now, after 4 years.

TL;DR : It took me 1 year to escape but, it takes you only 5 minutes to read.

EDIT : Thanks for all your support guys! It's been 4 years since I escaped, so I had plenty of time to rebuild my life, and to find a job. I work right now as a Pentester, Programmer and a skater, which is more than I could have achieved while I was with my parents Anyone here gonna share his story? I figured out we could make a little book out of them, and if we would really sue those prisons, every story counts!

===Drawing God===

There was a speech at my school, about career and life, no real mention of religion. Then out of the blue, he presented everyone with a task. "Draw God"

I sat there, when the guy picks me, out of a 50 people crowd, to draw God. He handed me a pen and an A4 paper. I replied almost immediately: "Here's your pen, I won't be needing that. And here's your God"...I gave him the paper back. An empty paper.
A few people shouted abuse at me. One of my teachers was in shock. The guy speaking just said: "Mhm" I stood up for what I believe in. I didn't put my tail between my legs and walked away.

I was later challenged by a few people about that "incident", then I asked them to draw God. Surprise, surprise, no one really knew what to draw.

=== Bravery at the Funeral ===

It happened to me at my dad's funeral. He wasn't religious, but some woman he didn't even like got up and started singing some religious song. I jumped up and started raging at the entire place. I flipped my shit and started saying every cuss word I could think of. I raged for a while and stormed out. My dad was prominent in the community and there was a lot of people there all dressed up and I had on an old Subhumans tshirt. It was actually pretty awesome, I wish someone would have filmed it.

It did piss me off that he was misrepresented. The woman singing was the last straw. Several others had gotten all preachy and shit too.

=== Aalewis the Amateur Quote Maker ===

Just to be clear, I'm not a professional "quote maker". I'm just an atheist teenager who greatly values his intelligence and scientific fact over any silly fiction book written 3,500 years ago. This being said, I am open to any and all criticism.

"In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence." - Aalewis

Eh?

=== fuck you and your rules ===

fuck you and your rules. /u/skeen was not inactive, /u/skeen was active in every user that had the freedom to post here. /u/skeen was also very active on reddit, just under another name. Fuck you and your rules, you sounds like a fucking theist sucking the dick of your Almight Mods and Admins.

== /r/circlebroke ==

=== The Foremost Meme Expert ===

I'm not sure if you're trolling or just have no idea who I am, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

In addition to almost 7 years as a confessed meme addict, I have moderated the largest meme forum on the Internet (at over 2 million subscribers) for over a year. You think I don't know memes? In that time I have removed over 400posts for not following subreddit guidelines. In addition to my moderation responsibilities I am one of the most active writers on knowyourmeme.com. You think I don't know memes? Then how do I write articles about them on a site called knowyourmeme? Several mainstream blogs have contacted me to ask about the recent meme phenomenon and each has been thankful and enlightened with what I had to tell them. It's not just limited to blogs though. Several companies have asked me to review their meme ads to avoid a failure like Toyota's meme commercial. Just last week a major food company contacted me with a paid offer to help them on a new ad campaign. I declined when I researched the company and saw that they had contributed money to socially conservative groups.

It's safe to say that I am one of the world's foremost experts on memes and in fact there is no one I can think of that has a meme resume as impressive as mine. So please tell me, what are your qualifications to say that I don't know what a meme is?

== /r/circlejerk ==

=== Listen, sex doesnt matter to me ===
Listen, sex doesnt matter to me. I dont care about sex. You know whats better than sex? using your mind.. then sex will come to you. I have mastered science at a very young age. Likely due to my atheism. When I was 7 my dad brought me to church and I said "dad this is stupid and fake" I was a natural born atheist. I didnt need reddit to convince me. I'm smarter than everyone on this site. I learned that science is more important. I take college level science classes and im only 13. I am basically a genius for my age group. Because of my many sciences I have met many college girls while taking classes. They are impressed by my knowledge and usually take me to college parties. I dont drink so I usually go hangout and read a book. This one time a girl brought me up to a room to show me her bed or something? and we ended up having sex. I felt her vagina in all. So a movie to describe my sex life? The Conjuring. because I conjure up pussy all day long.

== /r/ClopClop ==

=== Ponies Are Probably The Sexiest Things I've Ever Seen in My Life ===

You sound a little defensive, as if you're trying say you want to do it, but you're rationalizing it and saying it would be weird.

Like three months ago I would have said yes but now, I would still say yes but in a different way. I still would wan't to have sex with a pony, but not really a character, maybe Fluttershy, Octavia, Luna, Lyra, you know? But I really don't like mlp anymore so this answer is based on purely a sexual standpoint.

Ponies are probably the sexiest things I've ever seen in my life, not exactly the characters, just what they are, their legs, their eyes, their manes, their mouths, everything is perfect. I would totally have sex with them but I wouldn't want to live in Equestria or any of that bullshit. I would like to keep one but she probably wouldn't like it because she would have to hide and just hang out in my house.

A one night thing? Totally, anyone really. I don't like all of them but even if Rainbow Dash was my only option I would say yes. I don't know how they would translate in real life but there are plenty fan art pictures that show a good example.

I don't think I would be to comfortable with one around me because, I wouldn't know what to do? Do I feed it? Do I pay attention to it? I don't care what I do around my dog because he's a fucking dog, do I treat her like a human and talk to her? Back to my dog, what if he flips shit because there is a god damn flying pony in my house. I couldn't leave her alone because thats not fair at all, and she might fuck something up or answer the door and screw our deal up. I can't take her in public.

I would totally keep her forever but I don't think it would be a paradise, for her especially. Regardless of how I treat her she is basically a sex slave and that all well and good for a roleplay situation but it would be her life and she can't get away from it. At least I would have some information on her and know what to do a little bit. If she got into the hands of some hick across the street she is fucked.

Bottom line, I think I would be too selfish to pass it up but my life would be stressful as hell trying to figure out what to do with her afterwards. So many things would have to be accounted for and in the end, she wouldn't like it, and neither would you after awhile. I don't know if you would be taking her from "Equestria" of whatever or if she is just appearing and doesn't know how to talk or eat or fly or whatever, in that case, no I wouldn't do it, I'm not raising a god damn pony just so I can fuck it. Otherwise, yes, like I said I would be too selfish and I couldn't pass it up.

Now to how it would work, I don't know. I guess the act of sex would be pretty normal, shes basically a horse, just a lot cuter. If she spoke english and had a basic understanding of the situation and was reasonable to let me talk to her and explain how this is going to work, then it would be pretty fine. Although, other things like going outside, telling people, etc. would be hard to work out.

I would need a Celesta to check up on her and tell me what she eats and if she is sick she is pretty shit out of luck unless I can buy some OTC medication for her. I wouldn't have to worry about her being pregnant, right? I don't think she can get pregnant by a human.

Anyway, sure. But she would have to live up to the exceptions of a canon pony, like knowing basics like English, eating, walking, etc.

== /r/conspiracy ==

===Top minds of Reddit===
Look, you may be new here, but /r/conspiracy* is where many top minds collaborate, and routinely outsmart the most well funded, well equipped and diabolical organizations on earth. How do we do it? Top thinkers, experts on every field, unparalleled investigative skills and fearlessness. I would trust a top comment here over pretty much any news source, especially a mainstream source, any day.

*Works for any subreddit / website

== /r/Gaming ==

=== The Most Brilliant Teenager in the World ===

It should be noted that I've upvoted every single person who's disagreed with me here, as far as I know.
That said.

In 7th grade, I took an SAT test without preparing for it at all, it was spur-of-the-moment, I knew about it about an hour ahead of time and didn't do any research or anything. I scored higher on it than the average person using it to apply for college in my area.
An IQ test has shown me to be in the 99.9th percentile for IQ. This is the highest result the test I was given reaches; anything further and they'd consider it to be within the margin of error for that test.

My mother's boyfriend of 8 years is an aerospace engineer who graduated Virginia Tech. At the age of 15, I understand physics better than him, and I owe very little of it to him, as he would rarely give me a decent explanation of anything, just tell me that my ideas were wrong and become aggravated with me for not quite understanding thermodynamics. He's not particularly successful as an engineer, but I've met lots of other engineers who aren't as good as me at physics, so I'm guessing that's not just a result of him being bad at it.
I'm also pretty good at engineering. I don't have a degree, and other than physics I don't have a better understanding of any aspect of engineering than any actual engineer, but I have lots of ingenuity for inventing new things. For example, I independently invented regenerative brakes before finding out what they were, and I was only seven or eight years old when I started inventing wireless electricity solutions (my first idea being to use a powerful infrared laser to transmit energy; admittedly not the best plan).

I have independently thought of basically every branch of philosophy I've come across. Every question of existentialism which I've seen discussed in SMBC or xkcd or Reddit or anywhere else, the thoughts haven't been new to me. Philosophy has pretty much gotten trivial for me; I've considered taking a philosophy course just to see how easy it is.

Psychology, I actually understand better than people with degrees. Unlike engineering, there's no aspect of psychology which I don't have a very good understanding of. I can debunk many of even Sigmund Freud's theories.

I'm a good enough writer that I'm writing a book and so far everybody who's read any of it has said it was really good and plausible to expect to have published. And that's not just, like, me and family members, that counts strangers on the Internet. I've heard zero negative appraisal of it so far; people have critiqued it, but not insulted it.

I don't know if that will suffice as evidence that I'm intelligent. I'm done with it, though, because I'd rather defend my maturity, since it's what you've spent the most time attacking. The following are some examples of my morals and ethical code.

I believe firmly that everybody deserves a future. If we were to capture Hitler at the end of WWII, I would be against executing him. In fact, if we had any way of rehabilitating him and knowing that he wasn't just faking it, I'd even support the concept of letting him go free. This is essentially because I think that whoever you are in the present is a separate entity from who you were in the past and who you are in the future, and while your present self should take responsibility for your past self's actions, it shouldn't be punished for them simply for the sake of punishment, especially if the present self regrets the actions of the past self and feels genuine guilt about them.

I don't believe in judgement of people based on their personal choices as long as those personal choices aren't harming others. I don't have any issue with any type of sexuality whatsoever (short of physically acting out necrophilia, pedophilia, or other acts which have a harmful affect on others - but I don't care what a person's fantasies consist of, as long as they recognize the difference between reality and fiction and can separate them). I don't have any issue with anybody over what type of music they listen to, or clothes they wear, etc. I know that's not really an impressive moral, but it's unfortunately rare; a great many people, especially those my age, are judgmental about these things.
I love everyone, even people I hate. I wish my worst enemies good fortune and happiness. Rick Perry is a vile, piece of shit human being, deserving of zero respect, but I wish for him to change for the better and live the best life possible. I wish this for everyone.

I'm pretty much a pacifist. I've taken a broken nose without fighting back or seeking retribution, because the guy stopped punching after that. The only time I'll fight back is if 1) the person attacking me shows no signs of stopping and 2) if I don't attack, I'll come out worse than the other person will if I do. In other words, if fighting someone is going to end up being more harmful to them than just letting them go will be to me, I don't fight back. I've therefore never had a reason to fight back against anyone in anything serious, because my ability to take pain has so far made it so that I'm never in a situation where I'll be worse off after a fight. If I'm not going to get any hospitalizing injuries, I really don't care.

The only exception is if someone is going after my life. Even then, I'll do the minimum amount of harm to them that I possibly can in protecting myself. If someone points a gun at me and I can get out of it without harming them, I'd prefer to do that over killing them.
I consider myself a feminist. I don't believe in enforced or uniform gender roles; they may happen naturally, but they should never be coerced into happening unnaturally. As in, the societal pressure for gender roles should really go, even if it'll turn out that the majority of relationships continue operating the same way of their own accord. I treat women with the same outlook I treat men, and never participate in the old Reddit "women are crazy" circlejerk, because there are multiple women out there and each have different personalities just like there are multiple men out there and each with different personalities. I don't think you do much of anything except scare off the awesome women out there by going on and on about the ones who aren't awesome.

That doesn't mean I look for places to victimize women, I just don't believe it's fair to make generalizations such as the one about women acting like everything's OK when it's really not (and that's a particularly harsh example, because all humans do that).
I'm kind of tired of citing these examples and I'm guessing you're getting tired of reading them, if you've even made it this far. In closing, the people who know me in real life all respect me, as do a great many people in the Reddit brony community, where I spend most of my time and where I'm pretty known for being helpful around the community. A lot of people in my segment of the community are depressed or going through hard times, and I spend a lot of time giving advice and support to people there. Yesterday someone quoted a case of me doing this in a post asking everyone what their favorite motivational/inspirational quote was, and that comment was second to the top, so I guess other people agreed (though, granted, it was a pretty low-traffic post, only about a dozen competing comments).
And, uh, I'm a pretty good moderator.

All that, and I think your behavior in this thread was totally assholish. So what do you think, now that you at least slightly know me?

===White, Middle-Class Males: The True Oppressed Demographic===

I am a middle class white male in America; I feel like I am in the position where everyone hates me.
I am hated by the rich for being poor, hated by the poor for not being as poor, hated by feminists for being male, hated by racial extremists for being white, hated by white extremists for not hating other ethnic groups. It is tough out here.
As far as power? No, not at all. I don't have any higher chance in my profession due to skin color (as a chef I likely have it worse off in fact), I have a tougher time paying for college than my non-white friends, I live in a diverse area so I don't feel like part of a majority or like some kind of greater being, and I don't really have any power at all. I feel sort of inferior and out of place as well.
Morel of the story: Skin color doesn't actually mean shit, it sucks to be in any position because everyone outside of your position hates you.

== /r/MensRights ==

=== /pol/: For racists, kikes, and losers. ===

Okay.
You want my confession? Here it is. Yes, I go on /pol/. Wanna know why? I first started going on 4chan in Grade 8 after I got my head put through a wall by Zac Rasmussen, the arrogant fuck. I had no friends, I had no social contact whatsoever. 4chan filled the void that being able to go an entire day without opening my mouth once had left in my brain. Reddit didn't exist at the time.
On 4chan I developed an interest in /v/ - Video Games, /tg/ - Traditional Games, /sci/ - Science and Maths, /r9k/ - Robot9001, /k/ - Weapons and yes /new/ - News (which would later become /pol/ - Politically Incorrect) and recently /lgbt/ - Faggots.
I'm glad that you feel so secure and loved by the people around you that you don't need to visit places like 4chan where you can wallow in self-pity. I'm glad that you're part of a community like Reddit where everyone is so well adjusted you don't ever feel the need to call someone a stupid degenerate fucking goy because they're being a total fucking retard. I'm glad that you can just downvote someone into oblivion when they say something you don't like and don't have to sit there and watch him and his friends all gather around and circle jerk about it. I'm glad that you're so fucking well adjusted that you don't feel the need to jump in and call that guy a cunt and a nigger and everything else you can think up.
So I'm sorry I go on /pol/. I'm sorry if that offends you. I wish I didn't have to. I wish communities like this wouldn't throw people like me out because we're not nice enough and not civil enough. I'm sorry every second word out of my mouth is nigger and every third one is faggot. I'm sorry that the only people on the internet who want to talk to me are racists, kikes and losers.
But I'm also sorry that you'll never be exposed to a community that's violent, acerbic and barbed and you'll never grow a skin thick enough to matter. I'm sorry that you'll never come to the realisation that ignoring things doesn't make them go away. I'm especially sorry that you'll never have the discussion that I did with a man who, despite being a convicted gay basher, has a wife and three kids that he loves very much that made me realise that as much as I disagree with him, and as strongly as I disagree with him, he's still a person who has his viewpoint for a reason and I need to engage with him regardless of his background or mine.

== /r/news ==

=== Wendy's Chili: This is the Law of the Jungle ===

Let me explain.

The grill is hot. The burgers juicy, warm, seasoned with generic spices you won't even taste with the large glob of mayonnaise on the final product.

I'm make minimum wage. I don't give a fuck. I have enough patties cued for the foreseeable orders and plus one spare. I'm a high school freshman and just finished season 4 of breaking bad on netflix; I don't cook meth, I cook burgers, in fact I don't even know what meth looks like in real life. But now I want to do something cool, badass and science-y.

That spare burger, it's gonna get grilled. a. lot. My shift supervisor is in the office, he's on the phone with his wife talking about the balance of the food-stamps card. He hangs up. Dammit will he come over and check my grill temps? No. He pauses, leans back in his chair and stairs at the ceiling. He pops his head up and quickly sits forward while grabbing the phone. Buttons on the phone are smashed at break neck speed. I can't confirm who is but I know by the tone in his voice it's Veronica, she works day-time cashier and he supervises night. I don't know how they find time for their affair but they make it work. He's beating around the bush. Now he's doing it. He works into the conversation the rash on his dick. Should he be worried, he questions. A pause from his end. His forehead un-wrinkles in relief "You're right it's probably jock itch". They carry on. He can see me if he looks up through the office window but he's too occupied now. This is my chance.

I move the patty to it's own area on the grill. Separated from the herd. It lies motionless. Ready to embrace the torment that's to come. If it could tell me it's last words they would be "do your worse." I begin. The patty is small and I know my time is limited. I press the grill arm down, select the timer for larger patty, it will be quicker this way. The burger maker signals with her fingers to two doubles, in haste I fling them on the buns she has laid out. She looks at the grill farthest from her and the already cooked patties, says nothing and continues. Does she know what I'm up to? She might, I don't know, she doesn't speak our language, she hails from some third world country. She probably knows violence, maybe seen some genocide, maybe she did know what I was doing to the poor patty. It's helpless, defenseless as I mercilessly over grill it yet she said nothing and just carried on. That's the way things are patties no one's coming to your defense. That's the way of the jungle, patties on the bottoms of the food chain.

The timer comes up. The patty sizzles in it's own grease emitting a pop here and there. Defiant? I don't hesitate, another round. The grill arm goes down.

After the timer goes off the patty is revealed again. Lesser grease this time, it dripped into the grease trap. This patty has nothing left to give but I'm not done. I grill it again, again and again. I lose count. The patty is black and crisp.I'm satisfied with the results. It takes two spatulas to scrape it the off grill and was does come off does so in chunks. I toss it into the heat bin below the baked potatoes. It lies motionless with it's other perished brethren of the grill. Six more hours left today. There's more room in that bin.

I return the next day. The boss says we need chili made. I got this. I pull the overcooked patties out of the freezer, fill up the metal container with water and throw it on the specialty grill to boil. When it's time the meat is strained hosed off with the moveable sink nozzle. And who do I see? Our old friend. He is old. grizzled by his torture. Darker than my corporate supplied non-slip shoes. There is more to come. The meat is laid out in the prep area. I separate our old friend from the herd. He watches his mates as they ruthlessly minced into tiny little pieces. He's last, it does not end quickly.

An hour later I through all the meat into the chili crock. Ingredients are added. Chili is made.

At the end of my shift I take home a small cup of my work. I begin season 5 and enjoy my delicious chili. A crunch every few bites is my old friend saying hi. This is our way. This is the law of the Jungle.

==/r/Pics==

===Nonsexual and Silly, Teehee!===

Teehee! They're probably brother and sister or something, making it nonsexual and silly.

Once my sister came home from college and sneaked into my room to surprise me as I was fapping to a solo abbywinters scene and I heard her go "ooh she's cute!" As she placed her hand on my cock which immediately came from the shock/fight or flight response to being caught. She laughed so hard she had to chew on her t-shirt to avoid mom and dad coming in the room to see what was going on, then she put it in her hair and went "I'm Cameron Diaz!".

===Musically Oblivious Hipster religiously sucks the butthole of Paul McCartney "The Beatles invented everything"===

That is Paul fucking McCartney. Say what you will about him. Make fun of the way he looks - make fun of everything about him. Doesn't change the fact that he's Paul fucking McCartney and he was in the fucking Beatles. Without him, no Sergeant Pepper. Yeah John Lennon bla bla bla. I always liked Paul the least - he was just too...Paul. But goddamn it he's Paul fucking McCartney. He wrote "Here There and Everywhere" before John was even out of fucking bed. He wrote it waiting for John to wake up. It's easy to dismiss him now but in popular music (and by association popular culture) he's responsible - however indirectly in some cases - for EVERYTHING. Outside of mechanized music (I dunno - disco? Techno?) The Beatles invented everything (except of course the music that influenced them...duh) - everything that came after them. And Paul - let's face it - was the prime mover and shaker in that group. After '66 the others would have called it a day or SLOWED WAY DOWN. Paul kept the fire burning after John backed down - and after John - thanks to Yoko - started asserting himself again Paul did his best to channel that into the group. PAUL EFFING MCCARTNEY!!! YOU KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!

== /r/Politics ==

===The Ultimate Redditor===

I've been on benefits for the past 3 years. While I've tried a few ideas in that time, I've done nothing but buy expensive tech and travel around europe when I can afford (UK Citizen)
I don't have any friends, don't want them. I play MMOs, RTS and other games. I also watch movies/learn programming languages, applications.
In the 3 years i've been sat at home, I've learnt how to use the whole adobe suite effectively, with new content production every time being better. I know python, c++, php, js, html5. I have learnt German, Swedish and quite a bit of Latin. I write articles on websites (all for free). I browse reddit, watch porn... eat what I want, drink what I want. Multi monitor PC set up with $6000+ computer that i've built and upgraded over the years.
Why? Because I hate the fucking system, I hate it. I am just left alone and work with what welfare I can. I am quite happy with my life based on all of that, I never compare my life to others which is a good start. However I don't buy into BS society gives. I don't watch broadcasted TV (only downloaded via torrents/usenet)
I don't have stupid subscriptions or buy stupid products that have no use for me. To finish things off, I read a lot of data on the net, science and philosophy... in between reddit visits. I am known by many handles online, I like to stay incognito.
Oh yeah, I have an amazing DSLR... I love photography and videography and on the travels I do take, I enjoy to snap/record. I go around locally taking snaps/video too and see what I can do with it. Again with the adobe suite knowledge I have (PS/Fireworks/Lightroom) for my images.

==/r/self==

===My son is a hateful incel, and I just cannot save him or defend him anymore.===

My boy, my oldest child, was so good when he was little, but something broke inside of him when he was a teenager.

My wife and I always accepted, loved, and encouraged him. We pushed him to work hard and treat people with respect. I don’t know where exactly we failed him but as a father I feel responsible for the thing he’s turned into.

It started when he was 14. He had began to become withdrawn and emotional. We chalked it up to teenaged mood swings. For some reason he was just so angsty and bitter all the time. We were worried about his lack of social life and his over-reliance on his computer. He kind of hid himself in the online world so my wife and I began to limit his computer time, but he simply became more aggressive and confrontational.

His hygiene was bad, and he was always confrontational when we told him to shower or do laundry. His room stank horribly and we eventually had a huge fight over it where he physically shoved my wife and called her a bitch, and eventually we got him to at least clean and air out his room regularly on the grounds that it was our house and if he couldn’t maintain his space he wouldn’t be entitled to it - essentially we got to the point where we told him he wouldn’t be allowed his worldly possessions or privacy unless he took care of the space we all shared. the room still smelled and he was still rude about cleaning it but we could tell him to get it clean and he would do it after that.

We ended up getting a call from his school saying that a female student felt harassed by him. We were shown messages where he continually badgered her to have sex with him, threatened to “punish” her for stringing him along, sending her unsolicited nudes, telling her some violent fantasies of his, and eventually just descending into some horrid rage-filled rant about how she is just another “whore” and other things.

We were shocked. We explained to him why this behaviour was unacceptable, and I explained to him that it was ok to be sexually active but his actions were toxic and abusive.

I tried mentoring him man-to-man, taking him on camping trips and whatnot and talking to him about women and girls and trying to give him advice. I suggested he try showering, changing up his hair and facial hair styles, trying out different fashion styles, maybe going to the gym.

I told him some hard truths - that he doesn’t want a gross woman so he shouldn’t be a gross man. By gross I mean hygiene and looks. I explained to him that good looks are more hygiene and self care than genetics but he refused to accept what I said to him.

After that I caught him sniffing his sister’s panties in the laundry room - she was 12 at the time and he was 17. He assured me it had nothing to do with his sister, he said he just had a panty sniffing fetish and he pretended they belonged to girls from porno videos, but still I gave him hell for it, and he was grounded and lost his computer for 6 months. I went through his computer and I was disgusted by the kinds of hateful, racist, incel forums he frequented, the horrid things he said about women, and his save file was full of cartoon porn with girls of questionable ages. I wiped the hard drive completely and began strictly monitoring his online activity. I used parental filters to block incel sites and and porn sites that hosted cartoon porn.

The next big issue was something he did to my daughter’s friend. My daughter is 5 years his junior, and one day after a sleepover, my daughter came to me and said her friend wanted to tell me something but was afraid of what I would say.

My son cornered this 13 year old girl and physically blocked her path and touched her hair and face while making very inappropriate comments about her body and asking her if she liked to sleep naked and what kind of underwear she wore.

I tore into my son for that, my wife and I both shouted at him, and told him his behaviour was horrible and I told him then that if his actions got him arrested I would not defend him. He accused us of not loving him, but I told him the reason I was so passionately angry in that situation is because I '''do''' love him, and I want to help him become a good man so he can stop being so predatory and bitter and miserable. I told him some hard truths. That he did this all to himself and that he is the only one he can blame for how bitter he is.

I suggested he look to women his own age and he went on a rant about how it was a waste of time because women were already whores (and his definition of a whore is a woman who has had sex even just once) by 17. I called him out on his bullshit and expressed clearly that if he harassed young girls anymore I would personally turn him in.

I invited my daughters friend over after and I personally apologized to her for her experiences, I cried in shame for my son’s behaviour and begged her forgiveness for allowing her to feel unsafe in my home and promised her that if she ever felt uncomfortable she could come to my wife and I and we would always believe and help her. Luckily, my daughter didn’t lose this friend, but for safety I installed a lock on my daughter’s door.

We got my son therapy but he refused to engage with the therapist, calling him a “sand nigger” and “pajeet” and “terrorist”. His next therapist was a “chad”, so he didn’t relate to that either.

We fought about him not trying, not getting a job, and he said he couldn’t get one because of the immigrants, to which I pointed out that he was struggling because he got fired from his high school jobs for being lazy.

After those fights, my wife tried to empathize with him and understand what made him so bitter but he flipped out at her, and called her a cock-gargling whore and said that she fucked her way through dozens of men until she found a “beta-fag” who was willing to shelter her for missionary sex.

My wife, who works and contributes to the family income, who is an independent, professional woman.

Honestly, I lost it more than ever before. I had never been so angry when I heard what he said. That may be his mom, he may be my son, but the woman he was abusively tearing into is my '''god damn wife'''. No one can treat my wife like that.

I am ashamed to say in my anger, he shoved me and I physically retaliated, shoving him back, and pinning him against the wall. I felt ashamed of myself, I have never been an angry or violent person, but I couldn’t control myself. I’ve never put my hands on either of my children in such a way in my life, I hate child abusers... but this boy was no child. He was a grown man.

He was intimidated and backed down, and for a while he was peaceful.

The last straw was this week.

My daughter has dated 3 people her whole life. A boy, a girl, and now another boy. We were as open about sex with my daughter as we were with my son. We asked if she would like to have a question-free steady supply of condoms left in her bathroom drawer, and if she wanted to get on birth control. She said no to both questions with her first boyfriend. She never really brought him home but we met him at one of her recitals. When she had a girlfriend she went over to her house all the time, and didn’t want to bring her to the same house her brother lived in, a sentiment I understood.

But her most recent boyfriend has a lot going on behind the scenes in his family. He’s a nice boy but his mom is a single mom of 4 and they struggle.

This boy started coming around a month after they got together. I like him. My daughter is happy with him. He treats her with respect. He is an intelligent boy. He’s an absolute gentleman. He’s respectful and polite in our home. He calls me sir, calls my wife Ma’am, he offers to help with the cooking or dishes or cleaning while he’s visiting, he talks to us, he’s a bit of an amateur cook himself and brings us food all the time to say thank you for taking care of him, when we go out for dinner he always offers to pay for himself and my daughter (though I know he doesn’t have much money so I always pay). When getting out of the car he opens the door for my wife and offers her his hand (he sits behind her for leg room). He holds the doors, when we leave somewhere he helps my daughter put her jacket on like those sweet old fashioned couples.

This young man works hard, and gives what little he has to his mom and siblings. Like I said, I really respect the boy. I offered him money once for groceries for his family but he turns me down and says he would feel guilty accepting my money like that. He’s appreciative of things - in the winter, it was -20 and he had only a hoodie, so I draped my jacket over his arms, and I said “take it son, it’s cold.” He had tears in his eyes as he said thank you, and I made some excuse about wanting to get rid of the jacket and told him he could keep it if he brought cookies for us next time he visited.

When Christmas came along, I invited him over for supper, and when I went to pick him up I delivered some presents for his family, and on the ride back to my house we had a moment. He was crying because he didn’t have much to give us - he got everyone in our house a present but he cried anyways because he felt it wasn’t enough to make up for what we gave him. I pulled over, and I just hugged him, and I said to him that it wasn’t the value of what he got, it was that he got us anything at all. I thanked him for treating my daughter so well, and I told him he would always be welcome in my home.

My own son didn’t get us anything for christmas, not even a card bought with the money we give him. This boy got my wife and I matching wine glasses since we like to share a bottle every now and then.

My son didn’t eat with us. He pillaged the food table and ran away to his room alone while my daughter’s boyfriend met my sister and her family and my parents and my uncle. They all told me how charming he was and how polite he was. Meanwhile after dinner my son told my 5 year old nephew “fuck off Faggot” for asking to play a game with him. A man over 20 years old.

Last week, my wife and I went out for an evening to ourselves. We went to dinner, then we went to an upscale bar to play some pool, then we went home.

When I walked in the door, the kids were screaming at each other. I came in to see my son and my daughter’s boyfriend fighting. The boyfriend was just pushing my son back and trying to redirect him, my son was throwing punches and charging him. My daughter was crying and sitting against the wall clutching her face. I got between them and pushed them apart, and demanded to know what was happening.

My son went on a tirade about how he found birth control pills and heard “whore” sounds from her room, so he kicked open her door and discovered them having sex, he said he couldn’t believe his own sister would “be a nigger’s whore” and called the poor boy a monkey and other things.

My wife got my daughter and her boyfriend out of there and I yelled at my son for how he was acting. Eventually I got nowhere with him so I made him wait in his room. I went to talk to my daughter. I apologized to her boyfriend, crying as I did, telling him that I hope he could forgive me for letting this happen. He said he was sorry for getting violent but that he only did it because my son hit her. My daughter cried and said he was a psycho and threatened to rape her, and that he admitted to ejaculating on her toothbrush and hair brush.

I charged into his room, and I said firmly that he should pack his bags and leave. I told him I would pay to have his things sent to him, wherever he went, but that he was leaving tomorrow.

My wife stayed at my sisters, and my daughter and her boyfriend spent the next few nights at his place.

The next day I practically threw my son out of the house kicking and screaming.

I took his key back and changed the alarm codes and garage door code. A day later I had a message requesting some of this things - mostly his gaming stuff - be delivered to some strange apartment block I didn’t recognize a couple of towns over. A college aged man buzzed me in and I delivered the stuff. I didn’t see my son.

My wife and I then went through his room. My daughter’s boyfriend came over and helped me move his furniture to the garage. We threw out his mattress and some other more gross and smelly things, and we took out the carpet to be replaced.

Hidden in the closet was a treasure trove of my daughter’s underwear, so saturated with old, moldy semen that they were as hard as bricks. The unnerving part was that there were a few pairs my daughter was adamant didn’t belong to her. And they were too small for my wife. It was possible he stole them from my nieces.

There was a sketchbook containing graphic drawings of my son violently raping different women and keeping little girls chained up in some kind of sex dungeon. I went through his old phone that was still working, and all his photos were screenshots of my nieces and their friends in their bikinis, lots of cartoon porn, lots of red pill and incel and Trump memes. He still had messenger, so I checked his messages, most of them were just him trying to harass women and underaged girls.

I checked his Email and... much to my disgust, he stole private photos of my wife from her phone, and he was selling them.

Today, I went to the police with everything and told them everything.

I gave my baby boy everything... I don’t know why he went down this road. But I’m just so sorry I failed him. I don’t know what the police will do... but I hope they stop him before he hurts someone else.

The sad thing is... yesterday, once it was all over and settled, yesterday we had a wonderful day. One of the happiest we have ever had.

'''Edit: there is a lot to sort through, it’s impossible to reply to everyone so let me hit the big points.'''

• all the incels this post attracted can fuck off back to their holes.

• how do I know the lingo? From my son.

• “why didn’t I take his computer time away” I specifically said I did. His laptop was forbidden to be used in private, and I banned most of the sites he was using with the parental locks. He bought or stole another laptop behind our backs though and used his phone data. My wife and I don’t use our phone internet much so we didn’t think of it.

• “it wasn’t Christmas last week” ??? I know? It’s.... November. The young man visited us on Christmas 2017. We had this fight last week. I don’t know how I have to clarify that there was a passage of time between the fight and Christmas, since it’s pretty clearly not Christmas right now, but.... alright.

• “why wasn’t he in therapy” again this is a common comment from people who must have skimmed because we did put him in therapy. He was abusive towards several therapists, so we gave up on therapy.

• “why not have him institutionalized” because that is MY SON. to have him locked away is not an easy decision. I love him. We wanted to believe he could still change. But he couldn’t.

• I have no idea who he moved in with. I don’t care. Maybe an Airbnb?

• “why didn’t you help him sooner/was he bad as a child” as a kid he was introverted but not especially bad. He misbehaved sometimes but it wasn’t troubling. He had a few friends but they all had a falling out the first year of grade school. Prior to harassing that first girl he had some red flags. He seemed depressed, and his hygiene was spiralling. We tried to help him but he was stubborn. He didn’t want help. He wanted to be miserable. I listened to his problems and he complained about how his dream girl went after some other guy and how he stole her from him, and I tried to guide him and help him understand she wasn’t stolen because she isn’t property, she’s a person who made her own choice. He didn’t like that answer.

• all the things you say we should have tried, we mostly did. We gave him lots of attention and love before all this and after. We still tried to be a family.

• my daughter and her boyfriend helped me clear his room since I cannot carry certain heavy things myself. My daughter was therefore present when I found her underwear. She singled out a couple of pairs as not hers and was scared of where he got them from. She suggested keeping them for evidence.

• there was a teacher who did get through to him somewhat, for a time. But he transferred to a different school district.

• he wasn’t horrible all the time. Sometimes he could be good to be around. He could be really funny and clever. He was really good with animals. He was good with his games too. He got really passionate and excited about them and it made me happy seeing him having fun with a hobby. Seeing him smile could almost make me forget the things he’d done.

• telling me to kill myself says a lot about yourself.

• I’ve seen what toxic ideologies do to families. I’m not interested in joining your red pill, Jordan Peterson, or child beating cults.

• advocating child abuse as a 20-something brat shows your immaturity. Advocating murder does too.

• toxic masculinity is considering men weak for having the strength to express their emotions.

• many complaints about “allowing” my daughter to be intimate with her boyfriend all stem from the same racist incel rhetoric my son used. There is literally nothing wrong with interracial couples. I couldn’t be happier that my daughter is with someone who loves and treats her with dignity.

• incels struggle with reading, evidently. My daughter had her first boyfriend at 15, and I doubt there was anything going on between them. She is currently 18. So yes, she probably has sex. As an adult woman. Not really anyone’s business. My son is 22, soon to be 23.

'''edit 2'''

With new replies coming in by the truckload and 3 new pm’s for every one I reply to, I am getting slightly overwhelmed by the response here. I can’t really keep up, even just reading I have begun skipping comments to keep up. I have things to do today but I’ll try to catch up every so often.

'''edit 3'''

Mods locked the thread. I am not sure why but there are almost 10,000 replies and maybe 500 pm’s to sort through.

==/r/SubredditDrama==

===Eh, maybe not in the height department===
Eh, maybe not in the height department but I can assure you I’ve grown more than most people will in the more important categories.

My intelligence, for example, has grown to the point where I am now a revered member of my local MENSA branch and have astonished many learned experts in various scientifical fields with insights formed after only a cursory glance at their field of study. I read the entire works of authors such as James Joyce, Albert Camus, Stephen King and George Orwell before my teenage years. I was awarded a delta for the first CMV post I ever made, and I only really argue with people on Reddit for my own amusement.

Perhaps you’d like to hear about my stunning and exponential growth in the weights room, too? How about my success with maidens from all over Europe?

You probably like to make jokes about your height at my expense because it’s the only thing you have going for you. So yeah, you might be taller than me, but at the end of the day, do I care? No. I have more important things to worry about, like the one million word novel I’m currently writing, adding to my $50,000 wardrobe, or adding to my impressive list of bullet hell game regional hiscores.

==/r/teenagers==

===pce pussy ;)===
why? because i party and u dont ;) for ur information dreamingofitaly i get a lot of pussy. more then you could ever think of HAHAHAA ;) so before you downvote me make sure you know who you are talking too ;) because they might be better then you at some stuff like getting pussy and head. I got to go my girlfriend is calling me right now she wants to know if i want to have sex with her ;) i bet you dont even have a girlfriend pussy ;) i bet you have a boyfriend or something ;) HAHA well toodaloo and just no that i downvoted you too that is all HAHA i am going to get sex. something you could only dream about.. oh yeah and guess what teenagers sex isnt hard to get.. you just got to try hard enough and you will get sex. sex is amazing

pce pussy ;)

== /r/worldnews ==

===On Circumcision===

If my religion said I had to rape everyone I met, that would be okay then?

== /r/WTF ==

===I am 17 years old, I am white, and I do live in America===
I will just preface this by saying I am in fact 17 years old, I am white, and I do live in America. Do I think my problems are worse than that of the people in Ethiopia? Yes, yes I do. I can explain to you in detail. I am being spied on constantly. They watch what I do, they read my emails, and they probably snicker at the things I watch, and you act like you know oppression? Those Ethiopians get hurt, sure, but the time is going to come when the US government will arrest me simply for not agreeing with them. Where men and women will not have their say any where. And for now, we have to pay a tax for people who live off welfare (lazy bastards) who won't do anything with it and will only buy drugs and beer, even Kafka would find this shit unbelievable. You act smug to people like me, but you don't even know the half of it.

== See Also ==

*[[Reddit]]
*[[Copypasta]]
*[[Liars]]


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[[Category: Drama-generating techniques]] [[Category: Copypasta]][[Category:Reddit]]