View source for Dan's Devil's Dictionary

''Did you mean '''[[Kazantzakis]]?'''''<br />

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'''● Global Warming''' (verb) An act whereby the successful are punished for being successful. 

'''''ex:''''' When the white boy won the race by 1.7 seconds faster than his culturally diverse opponent, the gym teacher '''''global warmed''''' him an extra two seconds to keep things fair.
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'''● Racist''' (noun) The target of a political witch hunt.

'''''ex:''''' If you disagree with the President, you are a '''''racist'''''.
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'''● Movie''' (noun) One of a handful of stories told by the [[In the ass|Greek]]s and then transferred to film, repeatedly.

'''''ex:''''' I think I have seen this '''''movie''''' before, but I can't tell because of all the cool [[special]] effects.
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'''● Freemason''' (noun) A society, known for its bizarre rituals, that is indirectly responsible for every ill known to mankind.

'''''ex:''''' When you became a '''''Freemason''''', did you destabilize the global economy before or after you were gangbanged raw by [[lemonparty|several old men]] wearing black robes and drinking virgin's blood out of a skull?
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'''● Children''' (noun) An obstinate machine that takes approximately 18 years to build but can be used for free or cheap labor after their fifth birthday.

'''''ex:''''' Take those '''''children''''' over to the packing plant, we need some orders filled before midnight.
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'''● Wiki''' (noun) A public opinion poll where voters are asked to cast their votes in the form of [[TL;DR|long winded text]] under the guise of being informative.

'''''ex:''''' Judging by this '''''wiki''''' page on [[Chris-chan]], he must be a very bright and [[Faggot|well turned out fellow]].
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'''● Sasquatch''' (noun) A person who has the slightest amount of hair below the neckline.

'''''ex:''''' Did you see that '''''Sasquatch''''' at the pool today?  I think I could see five o'clock shadow in her armpits.
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'''● Cigarette''' (noun) A small [[Mecha-Dildo|pleasure giving device]] that is also a ticket for the cancer lottery.

'''''ex:''''' He had fifty '''''cigarettes''''' a day for his whole life and died at 90 of liver failure.

(verb) The act of angering, by toxic fumes, every other person in the bar.

'''''ex:''''' Buffy, I swear to God, if he '''''cigarettes''''' up on the dance floor, I am totally not giving him a blow job.
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'''● Abuse''' (verb) The act, often physical but sometimes mental, of getting your way every time.

'''''ex:''''' Since he got bad grades, mother '''''abused''''' Billy until his grades improved.
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'''● Fellate''' (verb) An act, always physical, whereby a female gets her way every time.

'''''ex:''''' Since he got bad grades, mother '''''fellated''''' Billy's teachers until his grades improved.
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'''● The Internet''' (noun) A vast horde of convicted pedophiles and [[sex]] offenders who, inexplicably, are still virgins.

'''''ex: The Internet''''' always makes me laugh as it is such a paradox.
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'''● Pretzel''' (noun) A weapon of mass destruction.

'''''ex:''''' Be careful with those '''''pretzels,''''' Eugene.  Somebody could get hurt.
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'''● Fettucini Alfredo''' (noun) An expensive form of (or synonym of) macaroni and cheese.

'''''ex:''''' Go warm this '''''Fettucini Alfredo''''' up in the microwave, [[BBQ Becky|Becky]], the [[Semen|sauce]] is runny and cold.
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'''● Healthcare''' (noun) A [[Lol wut|free]] system used to create extremely long waiting lines.

'''''ex:''''' If it weren't for this '''''Healthcare''''', we would have to pay to be late to the party at uncle Bob's ranch!
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'''● Cashier''' (noun) A person whose job it is to stand around wishing they were someplace else while also irritating you beyond all reasonable levels of sanity.

'''''ex:''''' This '''''cashier''''' won't refund my purchase because she is too busy texting her bff and cunting around on [[Snapchat|Snaptwat]].
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'''● Waiter''' (noun) A person whose job is to hover over you as you eat.  Often they ask you questions just as you have put food into your mouth.

'''''ex:''''' The '''''waiter''''' filled my water glass, took my order, and then disappeared for six hours.
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'''● Teller''' (noun) An employee whose only job is to inform you that your [[Poor|account is overdrawn]].

'''''ex:''''' Since my debit card won't work, I should probably consult a '''''teller'''''.
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'''● Liberal''' (noun) A person who believes that a fairy with a magic [[Cock|wand]] can cure the world's ills out of thin air.

'''''ex:'''''  Hey, look at that '''''liberal''''' over there, isn't he planting gumdrop trees next to that rainbow pond where the Butterfly Nymphs water their winged unicorns?
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'''● Conservative''' (noun) A jackbooted and grim enemy of all light, life, and love.  Often seen carrying a sword that doubles as a crucifix.

'''''ex:''''' When that '''''conservative''''' guy, Jenkins, enters the room, I swear the temperature drops 30 degrees, a fecal miasma rises, and the lights dim just a little.
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'''● Music''' (noun) The intellectual property of someone else which you have on your hard drive.

'''''ex:''''' Teddy always has the best '''''music''''' to listen too, I wonder where he gets it?
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'''● Beer''' (noun) A tool, used alone or in conjunction with other mood altering chemicals, by which young men remove the clothes of previously unattractive [[women]].

'''''ex:''''' Sandy, I had so much '''''beer''''' last night, I cannot remember what happened!
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'''● Pistol''' (noun) An implement used to cause assisted suicide.

'''''ex:''''' Brady pointed his '''''pistol''''' at Robert, the highway patrol officer.
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'''● Gullible''' (noun) A word that is repeatedly removed and then replaced in most dictionaries.

'''''ex:''''' Did you know they took '''''gullible''''' out of the dictionary? What? They put it back in?  I had better go check.
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'''● Couch''' (noun) Where a man sleeps after he has had a mid-life crisis.

'''''ex:''''' After Wanda slammed the bedroom door in his face, Reginald prepared the '''''couch''''' by covering it with a sheet.  It was going to be a long, cold, and lonely night.
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'''● Basement''' (noun) The place where everybody on the internet lives.

'''''ex:''''' Stanley, do you even have any windows in this '''''basement'''''?  Oh, I see, you have them covered up with anime posters.
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'''● Emissions''' (noun) A rough analog of Satan in the new government imposed global religion.

'''''ex:''''' I have sacrificed a goat in order to keep '''''emissions''''' low.
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'''● Ramen''' (noun) A food item, usually eaten by the poor, that you swear you will never touch again after you have graduated from [[college]].  Three years later, when you maxed out your credit cards and are back living with your parents, you add Ramen back into your diet.

'''''ex:''''' I can cook '''''Ramen''''' on the hotplate next to my bed.
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'''● Computer''' (noun) A handy piece of machinery designed to increase productivity.

'''''ex:''''' Hold on, Josephine, let me just get on my '''''computer''''' and then we can cyber while we are at work.
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'''● Love''' (noun) A deep feeling of affection or personal attachment that overrides the brain's ability to control the body.

'''''ex:''''' Raul had a deep love for Burger King, and thus he weighted 350 pounds.
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'''● Vaccination''' (noun) Depending upon who is being vaccinated, the definition is different.  To some, it means "the act of inoculation," while to others it means "government mind control."

'''''ex:''''' I am very conflicted about '''''vaccination''''' because it is an inside job,  however so is the H1N1 flu, so I am not really sure what to do.
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'''● Camera''' (noun) An expensive piece of machinery used to create images that sits in your desk drawer, unused.

'''''ex:''''' Morton had dreams of being an amateur photographer, however his '''''camera''''' was buried under two notebooks and a day planner.
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'''● Blemish''' (noun) A skin eruption or sore that appears on your face exactly three seconds after you find your camera.

'''''ex:''''' Cindy found Morton's camera in his desk while at the same time she found a '''''blemish''''' on Morton's chin.
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'''● Resist''' (verb) Something you cannot do.

'''''ex:''''' Walter tried to '''''resist''''' a bout of laughter, but after watching the elderly woman fall down the flight of steps, he found it was impossible.
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'''● Argue''' (verb) Something experts excel at.

'''''ex:''''' Even though he was an authority on Geology, Professor Wilkins would '''''argue''''' for hours about politics.
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'''● Penny''' (noun) The only unit of money you are unhappy to receive.

'''''ex:''''' When Charlene got her change back from the cashier, she noticed a '''''penny''''' which made her grimace painfully.
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'''● Drama''' (noun) An exciting series of events that are intended to first cause discomfort, stress, or harm in one subject and then cause a humorous reaction in another subject.

'''''ex:''''' While Jesus was being nailed to the cross, Sally witnessed the '''''drama''''' and laughed uncontrollably. 
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'''● Salad''' (noun) What an overweight person orders for dinner when other people are watching.

'''''ex:''''' On his first date with Melinda, Toby used his wide, sausage-like fingers to eat his '''''salad'''''.
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'''● Is''' (verb) The word you should have written instead of "are."

'''''ex:''''' Waffles '''is''' where it's at!
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'''● Gramar''' (noun) An archaic set of rules used to govern language that has recently met its demise due to the proliferation of the internet.

'''''ex:''''' Walt, a '''''gramar''''' expert, knew where punctuation should be at.
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'''● Web''' (noun) A confusing construct often fraught with unseen perils.

'''''ex:''''' Young Benjamin talked with lots of older men while using the world wide '''''web'''''.
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'''● Hopefully''' (adverb) A word used to modify something, but usually modifies a few things or nothing at all.

'''''ex:''''' '''''Hopefully''''', Richard will arrive tomorrow, it is to be hoped that he brings his luggage.
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'''●  Fast Food''' (noun) A culinary style of food made by a class of people you would not allow in your own home.

'''''ex:''''' That '''''fast food''''' restaurant was shut down by the health department, the emigration department, and the hazardous waste authority.
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'''●  Verisimilitude''' (noun) Something nobody is capable of for very long. 

'''''ex:''''' Helen found that '''''verisimilitude''''', like carrying large, guilt-ridden rocks, was tiring.
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'''●  Pseudo''' (adverb) A word used, usually due to lack of education, by hipsters to modify something when they cannot find the correct word, phrase, or description.  

'''''ex:''''' Hey Brock, these clove cigarettes are '''''pseudo''''' tasty!
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'''●  Barista''' (noun) A youth who usually has an eyebrow or lip pierced and wears too much eyeliner.

'''''ex:''''' I wish that '''''barista''''' would get the hell off of her cell phone and get me my damn coffee.
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'''●  Primacy''' (noun) The state reached when usefulness is superseded by arrogance. 

'''''ex:''''' A prostitute has '''''primacy''''' when she demands a tip after her work is completed.
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