Five random items in a list you WONT believe you just clicked on

This article is perfect. Don't fuck with it!

Holy shit look it's bold header font next to numbers. Is this content or an advertisement? Who cares! Why aren't you reading this right the fuck now? I don't even know how it's even possible that you are still drawing air without clicking this article. Did you see the title for this link? You better get ready to defecate yourself openly in front of your closest relatives after witnessing this complete demonstration of journalistic dominance. This shits gonna change your life and entire perspective on the human experience it's so god damn interesting, mindblowing, twenty things only a TRUE 90s kid would get.

Hey there YOLOSWAG do you consider yourself knowledgeable about these 5 things? Do you? I bet you fucking don't. Let's be honest your fatass isn't about to get up and walk to a library now is it. Not without at least trying DORITO'S brand Mountain Dew Spring Dove Soap you dumb piece of shit. You see all these mobile ads all over the place? How the fuck did those get here. Who cares, click on them, keep fucking clicking. Don't stop or our entire business will fold. Join in on the Kinja Newsfeed discussion with all the people you consider your only friends afterward. What's Kinja? Well we literally just added Wordpress functionality and avatars to our comment system and called it a fucking platform. No, it's not the same thing. OH SHIT HOW ABOUT THAT LIST? Dude you gotta check this out! HAND TO TITS BUTTFUCKING CHRIST ITS THE BEST. FUCKING CLICK ON IT.

#5. Huey Lewis and the News Once Ran for President

During the 1986 presidental election rock superstar Huey Lewis made a surprise bid for the white house but this American cultural icon didn't stop there he also managed to rack up over 300 confirmed kills in the Winter War as the Soviets made their advance into Finland. Deciding this act of heroism wasn't badass enough for him he crawled through every trench on the eastern front singlehandedly fighting the Battle of the Bulge. Just please promise not to fact check any of what you read on Cracked, okay? We are sort of masquerading as a legitimate source of information in the hopes that we are bought out by someone even more desperate for relevancy than ourselves. We don't need anyone taking a close look at how accurate we are since our company is pretty much worthless. We really can't find a buyer, seriously we've tried everyone, not even blog platforms want us and we can't attract any decent writers when we only pay our freelancers 100 dollars an article.

Integrity? Nah, we don't have any of that. We basically just take a cursory glance at Wikipedia most of the time so we're liable to pretty much believe anything. In fact we're such massive embarrassments even Vice makes fun of us and those guys are widely known to be complete fags. Honestly everything just went downhill after people stopped buying print publications and we never recovered. Now we're reduced to a pure list format because it's the only thing making us money anymore. We call ourselves America's only humor site but nobody really seems to buy it, much like the defunct magazine we're named after. Compensation? You don't want compensation friend! What you really want are 20 articles of user submitted content! Afterall, our office cocaine parties aren't going to fund themselves! Sometimes sacrifices have to be made, like magazines or the chances of our staff having a job in the future.

#4. 500 Days of Shit No One Cares About, Day 75: Nobody Gives A Fuck

Jew Writer shared a post by Tumblrina

Hey look at all the content we stole from other locations around the web and turned into an opinion piece. We are literally nothing but opinion pieces and a thinly veiled attempt at turning a PHP CMS into a media empire. Be sure to comment on the article below, or not, since every single user has to be approved to end up in the official comments. Wanna see something ~real~ edgy? Here's an entire piece we did about how much better we are than Buzzfeed and a bunch of other web publications we compete with. Aren't they the worst? We're like so much better than them.

Be sure to check our new blog GawkerFeed because we dont want to update our front page and have no control over what shows up first since our software "platform" is a fucking joke. That reminds us, guys can we just talk about our blog software Blogja for an hour or two? It's revolutionary. It's gonna change the face of Internet journalism forever. Here are no less than 15 different links to it. Hey what's this post about anyway? We don't even fucking know! We just found some random celebrity to do a series about because one of our inside jokes is like too funny. Omg hahaha, you had to be there I guess!

Did we mention BLOGJA btw? You too can be on the front page of Gawker and paid nothing in exchange for letting us profit off your hard work! You know what they say, exposure is worth its weight in money you will never receive from us... >>Today 7am

#3. Which Dove Soap are You?

TAKE OUR QUIZ TO FIND OUT!!!

Soap is SO not LOL okay, soap is single-handedly oppressing women and my Twitter followers need to know!

And whoever keeps sending me messages and telling me to wash my filthy pussy needs to cut it out before I have u BANNED. Now lets get serious here why is soap the worst? Um okay well first of all soap isn't even in Twilight or Game of Thrones like whats even up with that? Secondly, why is soap in the shape of a dick? Soap should come in moon shapes and relay positive messages striking down female stereotypes. It's 2015 for gods sake!!! Third, soap is always white is that okay? I don't think so. #BlackSoapMatters

(REMOVED BY ADMIN)

LOL Soap xD

Edward from Twilight

Cat GIFs

We here at Buzzfeed love Soap! Soap is the best! This isn't about capitulating to the demands of our corporate sponsers at all! We hold ourselves to a high standard of quality and ethics clearly this is just a silly misunderstanding. Cmon now, don't you want to click on one of our listicles conveniently displayed everywhere? This article is soooo boring AMIRITE? We are absolutely dope fresh down with allowing our writers to voice an opinion and you can totally trust us! It's not like we've ever been caught plagiarizing material that would be totes embarrassing ROFL. Nope, not at all, we're just looking out for your best interest here. We are not okay with people BULLYING multi-national corporations. This is us taking a stand for what's right! - CEOFeed

#2. Gamergate is Still a Thing, Right? Please?

We recently sat down with an actual real life Internet Troll to find out the top 5 things we could randomly pair with stock images. Shockingly we discovered that Trolling Is No Longer About Fun, It's About Ideology. Following this bombshell we realized we hadn't had an article about nerds who fight in Twitter wars in at least 2 weeks! So in an effort to seem in touch with today's youth and remain topical we bring you yet another GamerGate article. This article wont have anything insightful or interesting but we packed this fucker so full of random pictures of dudes sitting in the dark with sunglasses staring into the Matrix that there's no fucking way you can refuse this dumpster fire of an article. To maximize our obvious attempt at reaching into the pockets of the SJW crowd we found some random adult who spends most of their waking life online being offended at the behavior of complete strangers to give us the scoop into what's really going on here:

Lifehack: If your writers are complete retards just steal a bunch of ED content, type in commentary, and hit

publish

#1.

And the winner is AuntieMeme!

Featured article April 11th & 12th, 2015
Preceded by Tumbles the Stairdragon	Five random items in a list you WONT believe you just clicked on	Succeeded by Lord Foxworth

Five random items in a list you WONT believe you just clicked on

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