Guitar
Loosely based off of the Guitar Hero controller, the guitar is, according to any teenager, the only musical instrument in the world. Everyone plays guitar. Everyone started playing guitar to get laid. Everyone. And out of all the people who own guitars 10% of them actually know how to play it, and only 3% of that 10% know how to play it well. If you're not part of that 3% who utilize the humble guitar to gain the finer things in life, then the page will teach you everything you need to know. The only thing that can kill a guitar is the recorder.
Guitars
- Guitar (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)
Many states require that individuals learning to play the guitar must learn the main riffs to either "Sweet Home Alabama," "Sweet Child of Mine," Stairway to Heaven or Smells like Teen Spirit, and play these and nothing else at every opportunity. If you're unsure of what the law is in your area, many music police will allow you the minimum knowledge of "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. If you suck so bad that you can't play that, even Jawsus and Michael Jackson wouldn't suck that tiny cock of yours.
Guitars can come in many forms, all of which fall into the categories of acoustic or electric. Acoustic guitars are used by mexicans and hippies to create "folk music", which always consist of only the basic open chords, because these niggers never learn anything past the 3'rd fret. They are occasionally seen in the hands of rednecks singing songs about niggers bitchin' and the need to beat women. Folk music occurs when a guitarist becomes the vagina that he originally set out to penetrate. Sadly enough, this loser will nail more women than ten black rapists, except with the girl's consent. Just look at the Jonas Brothers for proof of this claim.
Electric guitars are used by fags and emo's, largely due to the ability for their sound to be amplified or modified because they need it to cover up for their lack of skill. With certain effects, the guitar can be made to sound like a garbage disposal or the Super Nintendo you threw out when you were nine..
- Bass Guitar
There are two types of people in the world: shit bass players and GOOD bass players. Many idiots think playing the root note in a rock band is all this thing can do. Unfortunately, this is because there are lot of shit bassists in the world. If you play bass guitar, you are required to know how to play "Self Esteem" by The Offspring, "Spoonman" by Soundgarden,"Peace Sells" by Megadeth, "Schism" by Tool, and "Bombtrack" by Rage Against the Machine. But if you actually want to be good, try to learn something by Jaco Pastorius. He was a drunk retard who could still play bass better than you.
- The extended range bass
Carved from pure win and strung with the tears of a thousand virgins. Some argue that extended basses should be considered a different instrument. IRL it's a bass with A LOT of fucking strings.]
How to be a successful bassist
- Accept that you are below everyone in the band (Including the guy who cleans up the piss and vomit at the end of your gig).
- Don't bother trying to learn to bass. Nobody gives a shit what notes you are playing anyway.
- If your singer complains about the band playing out of time blame it on the drummer and get him fired instead.
- Miss as many rehearsal sessions as you can, Instead smoke dope and masturbate, You will have a much better time.
- If you are the bassist for an indie pop band or any other faggot based genre, Shoot yourself and the rest of the band. Do the world a favour.]
Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot
because playing Guitar Hero songs on real guitar is cool amiright?
How to Play the Guitar
DO
- Play songs about racial hatred and misogyny, it will make you feel like a rock star even without any money, or blow.
- Realize that you are crap at guitar. All song-writing will shortly disappear. People will hate you less.
- Learn how to play power-chords and leave it at that. People don't want to hear complicated fail.
- Play games of NO U with complaining neighbors. Even if you suck, you can still troll the fuck out of your enemies.
- Start a band based on Norse Mythology and Face Painting, then kill other members of your band to prove that you have and evil level of over 9000
- Arrange a benefit concert for the people at Uncyclopedia to have lulz injected into them, play the first 10 seconds of Smoke On the Water, then leave.
- Play as fast as possible with no regard for tone or accuracy. You'll totally impress everyone.
- Learn the A minor pentatonic scale and use it for all your awesome solos, even if it's totally out of key and sounds retarded.
DON'T
- Consider starting guitar now. It's too late. If you were not playing at least 100 years ago then you are 1 of too many.
- Ever put videos of you and your guitar on the interwebs. There is enough shit clogging up the tubes already.
- Have any illusions that as a guitarist, you are not anti-lulz.
- Forget that no one likes you, since said is why you started guitar in the first place.
Actually Learning the Guitar
Beginners can learn all manner of guitar playing tricks and master rock god techniques by playing video games like "Rock Band" or "Guitar Hero"; both of which are responsible for stupid teenagers suddenly thinking they are musicians. These people are actually talentless fucktards, but may just add an extra 1d20 to a fat, basement dweller's chances of getting laid. People that start playing guitar because of a video game usually learn the first 10 seconds of every song and say they know every song.
VERY easy guitar lesson by some awesome guy.
Lifecycle of a Guitarist
- 16-year-old loser wonders why no girl would want to be with him then realizes that playing guitar will get jailbait sluts to suck his tiny penis.
- 16-year-old loser with long hair gets his mom to buy him a Fender Squier Stratocaster Starter Pack.
- 16-year-old loser takes photos of himself holding the guitar and posts them on his MySpace.
- 16-year-old loser attempts to play guitar, neighbors complain.
- 16-year-old loser utilizes sites such as Ultimate Guitar and learns to suck slightly less. Teen ego goes into hyperdrive.
- 16-year-old loser starts a band, records really shitty songs with a camera phone, then puts them on MySpace.
- 16-year old loser realizes how amazingly shitty he is when he receives comments about his crappy guitar playing.
- 16-year old loser realizes even the dog can play guitar better than him.
- 16-year-old loser's dad gets sick of it and smashes the guitar.
- 16-year-old loser cuts himself, runs away from home.
- 17-year-old loser runs out of money for blow, promptly becomes an hero. Makes the world a better place to live in.
Guitar Faces
If you play guitar you must have, at all times a guitar face. Here is an example of some 16 year old boy doing a metal face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDhmFPdbtcs
See Also
- Music
- Angst
- 13 year old boys
- Unwarranted self-importance
- Young Lord Sheppard
- Unrealistic expectations
- STFU
|
Guitar is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |