R.O.A.C.H.

In your life, you may have come across Newton’s third law of motion which states, in brief, “to every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.” Encyclopedia Dramatica would like to introduce you to ED’s first law of retardery: “for every retard there is always an equal and opposite retard someplace else on the internet.” This article, will show you the prime example of ED’s First Law of Retardery in action by introducing you to R.O.A.C.H.

R.O.A.C.H. stands for “The Ruthless Organization Against Citizen Heroes” which points out that while they may hate Real Life Super Heroes they aren’t that much smarter than them either.

History

Taken from the R.O.A.C.H. history page:

“	Started in 2009 by the enigmatic figure known only as The Potentate, ROACH was a response to a groundswell of Costumed Citizen Superheroes. Primarily those associated with the World Superhero Registry. Little more than a collection of vagabonds and harlequins looking for an excuse to don silly outfits, these heroes felt that their good intentions were enough to warrant their Superhero status. Your every day heroes such as Police and Firemen dealt with the rigors of the drug war and warehouse fires. These Superheroes were content on giving sandwiches to the homeless, "inspiring" children, and if they are lucky the occasional citizen's arrest. Hardly super activites. The Potentate felt that one could not be a Superhero without a Super-villain as a foil, and thus The Potentate shouldered the burden of lighting the torch that will ultimately burn the straw houses of heroism to the ground.	„

So it seems that an individual named The Potentate decided that he had had it with the faggotry of real life super heroes and took it upon himself to serve as an equal and opposite foil to their “do-goodish-ness.” Using big talk, and even bigger words, he has taken this silly superhero LARPing to the next level. Since LARPing is pretty stupid to begin with, The Potentate should be considered a paragon of moronic behavior. In the history section of the R.O.A.C.H. site it goes on to state that The Potentate killed 10 people by running them down with a dump truck…and soon after…lo, ROACH was born.

And the best part? After spending a paragraph rightfully insulting these idiots for thinking that prancing around in spandex, interrupting rapists, and fighting guns with home-made tasers and net launchers while actual people with real jobs are doing a lot more good and getting paid to do it, apparently his reason for founding ROACH is so that these retards are valid superheroes. I guess being a do-gooder idiot in spandex only becomes super heroism once you have a sinister retard for a super villain.

Why?

Taken from R.O.A.C.H.'s blog:

"You seem to want to paint us as shallow attention whores with no real purpose in life than to want to be a minor thorn in the side of RLSH's. You say we want to do this with little thought and little effort. You seem to feel that we have no driving purpose and no real goals or mission beyond taking potshots at a handful of severely misguided (potentially mentally challenged) fools with occasionally good intentions.

To you I say...HOW DARE YOU!!!"'

Mission Statement

One of the R.O.A.C.H. morons was willing to spend ten whole dollars for Shadowhare's identity.

These douchbags even have their own mission statement, which besides publicly calling for murder, will probably piss off some real bad guys like the Taliban and Al Queda.

“	ROACH is a vertically integrated engine of mayhem. Purpose driven, we strive towards no less than the total annihilation of Superheroes and the ensuing control of society left without its defenders. We offer support and protection to all who pledge allegiance to our cause, and destruction to those who resist. ROACH is dedicated to success in the field of excellence.	„
—Sounding like a terrorist on the internet is a bright idea.

They go on to make even larger fools of themselves by pretty much telling the world that they want to destroy everything and run shit their way. Only a 12 year old with his first home computer is this stupid.

“	Heroes never see beyond what is in front of their faces. Supervillains, especially the ones at ROACH, think years in advance. So we can see that gentle harrasment of Citizen Heroes will lead to their retaliation, and so on and so forth. So, we decided to skip a few steps and move harrasment straight on to destruction. Then logically, once the heroes of the world are no more, why not just take over the planet. So we here at ROACH have decided to push forward our agenda and just work towards an End Game of world Domination.	„

Recruitment

Hey! Guess what? The nerd brigade is hiring! <video type="vimeo" id="4637741" width="540" height="406" desc="Somebody spent a lot of time and money on this crap." frame="true" position="center"/>

Departments

R.O.A.C.H. has several departments with which they divide up their various positions. Because these creeps understand that most people don’t have the time or energy for faggotry that they do, they have decided to split things up so that the “average normal” person can also become involved in their type of homosexuality. And, of course, all of their acronyms have something vaguely to do with insects, perfectly categorizing their entire nature: mild irritating at best and usually pretty gross to look at.

ANTS

Administration of Network Transportation and Supplies. If you have typing skills or can drive a truck, R.O.A.C.H. needs you. What for, they don’t explain, however it is theorized that they need somebody to drive them to the Laser Tag shop.

STING

Subcutaneous Transmission of Information Via Neural Gateway. R.O.A.C.H. is looking for other computer geek snobs just like themselves.

TICK

Tactical Investigators Collecting Knowledge. Here ROACH asks for people to stalk others…and perhaps assassinate them as well.

LARVA

Lower Aged Recruits for Violence and Aggression. Yes, they spelled “agression” wrong in their evil website’s LARVA logo. Hey, nobody said super villains needed to pass third grade! In this portion of their recruitment section, they call on children to become villains, stating that even those as young as 4 years old can take part in this wonderful program. On a creepy note, they also mention month long retreats for children.

Missions

R.O.A.C.H. has set forth their prime directive. This directive basically repeats what they have been saying all over the rest of their site…blah blah blah destruction blah blah blah. However, it is interesting to note that they are copying the old troll idea of giving away movies (or books) endings to fans (for further information, please see Snape Kills Dumbledore). Yes, this is correct, these super villains, bent on destroying the world, want you to ruin movies for other people. COULD ANYTHING BE MORE HEINOUS???

Members of R.O.A.C.H.

“	Schadenfreude. Hard to spell, difficult to pronounce, Awesome to experience. As a Supervillain I live to see others screw up and several of my most fond childhood memories involve watching Bloopers shows hosted by Dick Clark.	„
—Super Villain Computer King.

This group of couch potato nerds are the members of R.O.A.C.H. Despite the fact that they are responsible for this travesty of a website, they are also all proud owners of R.O.A.C.H. t-shirts. You can probably all find them hanging out together at conventions where they busy themselves by giving dirty looks to children, heckling panel speakers with their “plots of destruction,” and vainly trying to grope one of the batshit females who people their villainous ranks.

The Potentate

The Potentate (The IMpotentate) is the self imposed leader of R.O.A.C.H. Despite his claims of super intelligence (remember, he spelled "aggression" wrong) he likes to write in thinly veiled allusions to masturbation. Pet, stroke, and rod are all his words of choice when describing his nature. He makes specific note of giving the rod to his children.

He states that he has "heightened invulnerability" which is pretty redundant. He also likes tacky plastic furniture, faux-Warhol artwork, and apparently purple waistcoats. The Potentate is most likely a 26 year old virgin, living for the first time on his own in a cheap apartment, but don't tell him this, he is likely to threaten you with stern words.

Plague

Plague is The Potentate's enforcer and strong arm. If this means he jacks the Potentate off on weekends, it all probably makes more sense now. Judging by Plague's garb, he is probably a recently fired cook at a Japanese "family style" restaurant. The "Master of Wit and Scorn" is also fond of 1970's era wood paneling in his home. Judging by his powers, it appears that he intends to ridicule his victims to death.

Agent Beryllium

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. All you did was stick a pair of goggles on your head and claim you like wrestling sharks. At least the Plague guy is glaring at the camera.

Agent Beryllium also has the super-abilities of Anorexia and Bulimia. The prominent dark bags under her eyes may also mean she has the super power called "Cancer."

• Blogger profile.
• Actual blog itself.

Calamity

Did I say things were getting ridiculous? Whoops, I misspoke. Calamity covered his head in aluminum foil in the shape of a half moon, grabbed a kitchen spatula, and he thinks this allows him to claim the title of "Master of Torture." If tragedy is the basis of wisdom, they Calamity is the basis of moron.

Calamity's current goal is to gain TOW notoriety for R.O.A.C.H. and for all RLSV (Real Life Super Villains) because the Real Life Super Heroes have pages on TOW.

• Calamity's blog

The Aluminum Chef

This guy looks like an illegal alien who is doing the jobs that "Americans just won't do." Namely, he buses tables and is a prep cook in a border state's Outback Steakhouse kitchen. His arch enemies include ICE immigration agents, Arizona State Police, and nasty dishwater hands.

• Aluminum Chef's Blog.

Fatal Phyllo

“	And while you're busy stuffing your oinker, I'll just destroy your building with giant exploding souffles.	„
—Fatal Failure

Fatal Phyllo is probably The Aluminum Chef's AZN girlfriend. She claims that she has a "hatred for the world that destroyed her" but judging by her looks, she should probably have a "hatred for her parents and the genes they passed on to her."

At least the Aluminum Chef had a damn knife. Her strategy appears to be throwing food at you which, because she can't cook and is thus a failure as a woman, is supposed to make you melt or something. The only melting I foresee would be coming out of your ass if you ate any of the food she made.

• Fatal Phyllo's blog.

Other Villains of Note

• The Crimson Nematode, who woke up one day and found this in his email:

“	Dear (My real name) This law firm represents (Captain Ozone and his real name), and we have been asked to write this letter to you. Many of your statements about (Captain Ozone) on your web blog are untrue and defamatory. You made them maliciously to injure (Captain Ozone) in his actions and profession. As such, they are defamatory, this letter constitutes a demand for immediate retraction in writing of these false and libelous statements. In accordance with Florida Libel Laws, (Captain Ozone) demands that your retraction and correction be accompanied by an editorial in which you specifically repudiated your libelous statements. In your postings, you repeatedly stated that (Captain Ozone) sexually assaulted and committed the crime of homicide, despite knowing that these statements were false, libelous and malicious. Sandefer Law Firm 711 S. Belcher Rd Clearwater FL 33764 Phone: 727-726-5297	„
—Oh shi

For full context, read the original blog post.

• Lord Malignance, who also has his own website now.
• Baghead
• Black Sun
• Computer King (with lots of retarded podcasts.)
• They have a dog super villain.
• Desdinova, super villain of the Ozarks. Also, he/she says "Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" a lot, meaning something sinister is afoot.
• Dr. Steel - the "founding father of villainy."
• Exit Nero is very wordy and likes to ramble.
• Malvado, who practices his villainy by posting "Music Mondays" every Monday, for all the villainous music fans out there.
• The Overlord who has a list of schemes but no comments.  :(
• Yes, there really is a super villain that goes by the name Poop Knife. Poop Knife also takes pleasure in reading that some guy got stabbed trying to stop a mugging.
• Russell Hantz a member of the television show Survivor: Samoa is a self proclaimed super villain.
• Sword Kane, who besides being a proud parent, is also a super villain and a ghost hunter.
• Tiny Terror, who once retired from super villainy, but has since returned do to the release of the 2010 film Kick-Ass.
• Lavender Leopard, Noted Faggot, also goes by Poop knife and runs a blog for a communist dog

OH NO!

It seems, that only after one year of being a super villain, The Potentate has thrown in with the Real Life Super Heroes! From the R.O.A.C.H. blog:

Just in case, on the off chance you were actually worried that R.O.A.C.H. was really calling it quits, this message was posted on April Fool's day, so it is most probably a lie.

Villainous Quotes

“   I for one welcome this new Potentate, however, I to must step down from ROACH. I received several emails from Captain Ozone's lawyer stating that I libelled him with my last post by accussing him of being a rapist. To avoid litigation, I've promised to delete my blog and cease any further writings as my alter ego.   „     —Major Underpants     “   ROACH: Really Obese Annoying Childlike Heroes! aka the Justicers. One claims the Power of Telepathy! Take that Crimmy.   „     —Lord Malignance     “   Why this scrawny, nutless little lying shit of a furry hasn't been stabbed to death by some random hood' on his nighttime 'patrols' is completely beyond me. He's like five-foot-even and 90lbs of bones and poorly sewn lycra, what crime is he successfully combating?   „     —Villain "Malvado" does not like hero "Shadowhare."     “   Often it looks like someone held on to their Lacrosse gear from middle school and painted it black once they lost all direction in life.   „     —Often? How about all the time?     “   You call us media whores, but after asking if The Potentate works for a media outlet, you then agree to join ROACH. Jeez, it takes a whole lot of cajones to lack that much subtly. However, we here at ROACH appreciate that bluntness, welcome to ROACH.   „     —ROACH appreciates spineless simpletons.     “   The bottom line is that I do not trust you as easily as the others may. This may be insignificant to you now but be it known that I am watching you, whether you earn my trust or not...only time will tell. So until next time my friend, I bid you adieu.   „     —Villain "the Void" does not trust you.     “   Excuse me, but what is it you're supposed to do again? Have a race with the RLSH community to see who can be more of an attention whore? Oh, well done then.   „     —Villain "Z," who once trolled ROACH and is now a member     “   Some people collect stamps, others make ships in bottles, I like to make fun of grown men and women wearing spandex and touting themselves as super heroes. Why? Because it's a ridiculous situation.   „     —The Crimson Nematode     “   Just a heads up to neophyte supervillains. You may think you’re hot stuff, you may dodge the assault of tights-wearing semi-heroes on a daily basis, but you need to beware. The second most troublesome entity in the life of a villain might take you by surprise. They don’t wear costumes and they don’t use codenames. In fact, they usually go by their own names. They are Common Man Heroes.   „     —Computer King is vexed by your neighbors.     “   With the sudden influx in 'heroes' getting registered over at Real Life Supeheros dot org there have been some new faces to gawk at in awe and confusion. In checking with the register from time to time I find certain freaks I just can't pass up spitting on.   „     —Malvado     “   This is why only the trained and properly armored should be on the street. Had this guy taken a stab at me, he would have had about 2 whole seconds to think before his life took a sharp turn for the worse.   „     —Super villain "Z" before he turned into a super villain.     “   What awesome timing for another high profile RLSH to retire. Yes folks the guy with the $4000.00 costume has hung up his battle armor. He has made the wise choice to start being a better parent and dedicate his time to his family.   „     —Poop Knife is happy a RLSH has retired.     “   There is a discrepancy in this statement, Executrix joined ROACH believing it was nothing but satirical fun. Events of the last year has proven otherwise. She has officially withdrawn any desire to be a member of ROACH, but The Potentate refuses to remove her profile because he apparently likes her photo.   „     —Creepy evil stalkers.     “   In his own words he claims to need this for self defense against the 00.1% of people who have made threats against his life or those of Team Justice. Why have people made threats against them? I can only speculate that certain people in society do not feel like they need self proclaimed protectors. I also wonder what happens after 10% of the populous stands against the RLSH? If you use fire arms for 00.1% what next, full automatic machine guns? Grenades? Flame throwers?   „     —Poop Knife trolling the RLSHs Previous Quote | Next Quote

Summation

“	It is not enough to be satellite to the RLSH community anymore. It's not enough to write web logs, not enough to be a presence in their forums; it's simply not enough.	„
—Super villain Tiny Terror has had it and is calling all villains to action!

Originally created to troll members of the Real Life Super Heroes, and started probably as a joke, the R.O.A.C.H. community cannot seem to figure out what it is. This is probably do to the fact that some of their members are batshit insane and actually serious while others are just hanging out for the lulz. Because of this weird dichotomy, the whole group should be considered dangerous, but only in the "just-smart-enough-to-do-something-really-bad-and-get-innocent-bystanders-hurt" type of danger. Other than that, you can probably trust them enough to bag your groceries, flip your burgers, drop your fries, and annoy you at the office copier as they have lots of practice with those fields of expertise.

See Also

• Real Life Super Hero
• LARPing
• Cosplay
• Fandom
• Furry
• Twilight
• Comics

External Links

• ROACH homepage
• On digg
• Shadowhare attacked!
• R.O.A.C.H. blog
• In case you need bulletproof clothing.
• ROACH can SUCK IT
• Holy shit! Somebody wrote a supervillain manual.
• Updated fairly often, Computer King's blog is chock full 'o' lols.
• Republicans are more evil than super villains. Written by Crimson Nematode.

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