Almost raped

The phenomenon of being almost raped is one of the countless by-products of the young, bored, collegiate version of liberal guilt, which has also given us e-Psychiatrists, the distressingly long-lived bi-curious trend, and, of course, Daddy's Money Lesbians. It may also be the way women get their share of lulz.

See any feminist- or lesbian-oriented community:

"I was almost raped during my freshman year of college!"

"A friend of mine was almost raped so I know what you're going through, moon-sister."

The following is a few typical examples of a woman's courageous "almost raped" story:

I was almost raped in a bar last year. I had a couple drinks, then a guy came up to me and we started talking. Later, he asked "Do you want to have sex?" and I said "yes". We went back to his place, got naked, I sucked him off, and just as he was about to place his penis in my vagina, I screamed "OMIGOD YOU SICK FUCK!" and called the cops. He's currently serving a 10 year prison sentence.-lulz

Seven years ago, this guy came up to me at the bus stop. He and I talked for a while. Then he gave me his phone number and I called him a few times and we would have long chats. We became close friends. He was totally cute, but I wasn't sure if I should make a move and destroy such a strong friendship. One day this year after we had dinner at his house, we were both on the couch watching TV. Then he turned the volume down. He told me he thought I was sexy, then we started making out and literally ripping each others clothing off. I was so intrigued. But then he took out his...THING...and I started rubbing it and licking it. Then he got me on all fours, I was getting so wet. Then he slid himself inside me, I screamed and he pulled out immediately. "That was totally uncalled for you disgusting pervert" I screamed and ran out crying. Then I went to the police station and told them I was raped, I gave them his name and phone number. Now he is in prison for non-consensual sodomy.

If you are almost raped, you can go post in Don't Date Him, Girl like all the other women who regret going on a date with some jackass.

The Hilarious Irony

The irony of all this is of course the fact that by drawing comparisons between things like getting killed in a video game and horrific, real life, physical violations, is that in doing so they effectively cheapen the seriousness of real rape and turn it into something laughably stupid and inconsequential by that comparison. They are, in effect, actually damaging their own cause, making real rape seem as though it's nothing more than a joke and all for the desperate, wanton attempt of drama whores who want to try and victimize themselves for the sake of racking up pity points and circle jerks from their fellow "moon sisters".

What Counts as Almost Raped

Surveillance footage of an almost raped victim wearing the key evidence shortly before being plugged up like a bowling ball.

Talking to a man
Accidentally using your best friend's dildo.
A man accidentally bumping into you.
A man offering to pay for your drink, especially if he asks for your number after accepting multiple free drinks.
A man asking for the time.
Being looked at in a lascivious manner.
Being anywhere near Jimmy Savile.
Jogging alone in the park
If your lady-friend tells you your boyfriend is a pig/pervert/serial murderer.
Nearly being looked at in a lascivious manner.
A male within 50 feet of you.
Losing to a man in a video game.
Seeing a sexy female character in video game.
Leading a sexually fulfilling relationship.
If you are alone with any guy named Tyler or Wolf for more than 35 seconds.
Being outside in the dark.
Donkey punch
Everything on this list.
Quietly sitting in a corner by yourself.
Seeing a perverted picture on the internet after googling "cocks" (chicken), "pussies" (cat), or "bukkake" (bukkake).
Being almost looked at by a black guy. (However, if the nigra does make eye contact for more than five seconds it is legally rape).
Seeing Juliana Wetmore's face.
Viewing goatse or meatspin.
Seeing your mom naked.
If a fat person touches you.
Prostate exams.
gyno exams.
A friend/acquaintance/total stranger/husband lends you his jacket because it is cold.
Any and all past relationships. (This is especially true if you now have a white knight for a lover.)
If your boyfriend/husband/pimp/etc. touches your armpit/leg/cunt/neckbeard-shaving razor
somebody divides by zero near your gonads.
you glomp that ed elric voice actor at an animu convention.
a cosplayer at an animu conventon touches you.
a dilldo touches you.
a cock comes in contact with your lips.
beef curtains come in contact with your lips.
looking in the mirror while masturbating.
Being in the same room as your girlfriend.
Being in the same building as your girlfriend.
Knowing your girlfriend.
Knowing a girl.
Having any sort of mounted machinery on your pelvic area.
Rape itself.
Being raped.
Being almost raped.
Being a nigger that isn't from outer space.
Being a nigger that is from outer space.
Being.
Reading ED
All of the above

Listening to a Story of Almost Raped: How to Tell

A victim of almost rape will tell a story, usually involving alcohol, of a date in which the man gets somewhat frisky, leading to a bedroom encounter in which the victim undresses, and suddenly becomes rather terrified of the erect penis inside or outside of the attacker's pants, and may or may not include a lot of screaming.

One thing leads to another, and she says no, sometimes repeatedly, and the attacker listens to her and gives up. The victim, in telling the story, will frequently break down and cry at this point, or act out some other form of attention whoring.

This is usually a good time to offer to stick it in her vagoo.

OMG TRIGGERS

The victim of almost rape will frequently discuss how "traumatic" the experience was, and may develop triggers, which will cause the listeners to roll their eyes and lol. Additionally, the victim of almost rape almost invariably leaves anonymous comments on his or her blog, enabling further attention from strangers.

Another example of the story is the revenge angle, wherein a girl will attempt to get back at a guy for their perceived ill actions by lying about being raped. A prime example of this is the Jasmin McMillan tale...

The easiest way to tell is if a woman who you do not know very, very well claims to be raped. Real rape™ is a devastating and very personal experience, and victims of real rape™ do not generally treat it as dinner-party conversation. If any woman with whom you are barely more than acquainted tells you she was raped, you can very safely assume not only that she is lying, but that if you have anything to do with her she will be telling other people that you raped her as well. Always Be Recording, peoples.

Jasmin McMillan and the Elusive Rapist

Once upon a time in a town called Brapkamsted, a girl called Jasmin was starved of attention, and decided that she would claim that she was raped, just to make people like her more. Unfortunately, everyone laughed due to nobody caring. After realizing that her story needed some spicing up, she decided to put some names to the vicious attack on her ham wallet, focusing on (what we will call for privacy purposes), Nob Roliver and Meg Semen. After the shit had hit the fan, Jasmin subsequently went into a BAW overdrive, and decided that she would take this shit off the road and GET TO THE CHOPPA, blaming (who we will call for privacy purposes) Penny Hooks for making up the entire story, even though Nob and Meg were her own best friends.

It was at this point, that the shit didn't just hit the fan, it blew up C4 style. She was outcasted from every social group evar, and has been IRL trolled and vagamagina blocked by every guy within 30 miles. Except (who we will call for privacy purposes) Martin Stickley.

Jasmin's MySpace can be seen in the external links, where upon she should be ribbed like a nigga.

Consequences of Being Almost Raped

Consequences for the Almost Rapist

~~A skyrocket in Man points!!!~~ Not quite; you didn't seal the deal.
Spending the next few years with Bubba, your black person cellmate

Method of prevention

Demonstrated to be at least 51% effective.

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=219422&title=love-contract

The question of being almost raped

Rap star Tori Amos: patron saint of the almost raped, made an entire album about being almost raped.

“	OK... in the Cornflake Girl book it says that she was raped at gun-point and everyone is saying that she wasn't...I AM SOOOO CONFUSED!!! Please help. Love	„
—Tori Amos Fan being so confused. Source

Agreeing to being raped

A new case in the UK (As seen to the right) has shown that it is now possible to be raped with consent, so now people who were almost raped can be the filthy whores they really want to be and still get to act butthurt and cry about their experience on Don't Date Him, Girl.

Unfortunately for Nice guys everywhere, the only time that this is applicable is when you use a bargaining chip to get her to spread her legs, for instance:

1. Taking her out for dinner
2. Buying her roses
3. Writing poetry
4. Offering her back the phone you just stole off of her
5. Repeat Step 4 ad infinitum

If you haven't offered her any of the above or similar, then she has to stop you short of plowing into her axe wound. Just to make sure that you haven't offered her any sort of incentive to partake in intercourse with you, you might want to do it without her permission.