Call of Duty: Black Ops 3

Call of Duty: Black Ops 3, also known as Call of Duty: Nuketown 3, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare 2 is another game from the faggots known as Treyarch who brought you World at War, and Black Ops 1 & 2. Like Advanced Warfare it's basically it's just fucking Titanfall all over again but with zombies.

The Game

Standard Edition

• Just the fucking box, disc, and a bunch of papers nobody reads as usual.

Hardened Edition

The box and disc with...

• Steelbook for holding your coveted game disc you asspie sack of shit.
• The Giant: Remake of Der Reise from World at War which is like the only good Zombies map in the whole fucking series. It will be on the Marketplace in a few months anyways.
• Nuk3town: The same clusterfuck as before but with a few minor edits for wall running. Looks even shittier than before.
• Some camos from Black Ops II that were fan favorites.
• Some concept artwork nobody gives a shit about.

Juggernog Edition All sold out thanks to the genius eBay scalpers who make a nice profit off desperate 12 year olds and fatass neckbeards

Same as the Hardened Edition but...

• Season Pass: ALL THE DLC FOR ONE EASY PAYMENT OF $49.99!
• A fucking 12 can mini-fridge that looks like a Juggernog machine from Zombies, plus it plays sounds and lights up and shit. It's cool if you're so fucking fat that you're incapable of standing up to walk to your real fridge to get a Mountain Dew.
• Perk-A-Cola coasters for your fucking drinks you fat fucking no benefit to society sack of shit.

Campaign

Shit goes down in 2065, 40 years after a spic tried blowing up LA with a bunch of drones. Basically soldiers with their limbs chopped off in place of super soldier prosthetics and cyborg mind powers go around blowing shit up, fighting a bunch of gooks and shit. The campaign has jack shit to do with the past installments and playing it is basically fucking pointless since the ending has no real impact on the whole storyline and is just a cheap fucking twist to make the campaign moar interestingz and in depthz. That's implying if you actually gave a shit about CoD campaigns to begin with. In essence, the whole campaign gameplay-wise is a massive knockoff of EA's Syndicate which goes through the same shit of hallucinations, cybernetic mind powers, and the wannabe cyberpunk setting. Neither game is really worth playing, that's the biggest similarity.

Multiplayer

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

ONE SHOT ONE KILL, WON'T EVEN HEAR IT COMING

Black Ops II multiplayer, now with thrusters. You can now be a Specialist, cheesy 80's action movie one liner cracking faggots dressed like bikers or complete edgelords, there are only three that are even slightly cool. On top of that that, they managed to half ass everything that Advanced Warfare sort of got right.

Factions

You only get two factions now because Treyarch didn't want to make things too overcomplicated for the 12 year old mind. They don't even matter anymore since nearly everyone is the exact same person.

• Black Ops: Voiced by the same faggot that voiced the SEALs in Black Ops II.
• CDP: A bunch of Russians. Nothing more, nothing less.

Black Market

Another iteration of CoD trying to push microtransactions onto their already stupid community. You earn Cryptokeys after playing matches and you can use them to buy Supply Drops, or you can buy CoD Points with real monies and use that to buy Supply Drops. Unlike Advanced Warfare where you actually got shit that was worthwhile like Double-XP or weapon variants made of hax such as the Speakeasy, in Black Ops III you get camos, calling cards, and emblem editor shit. If you get really lucky you may even get a weapon attachment variant or customization pieces for your specialist, obviously all of which is cosmetic and has ZERO impact on the game. Treyarch later added new guns to the Supply Drops like the MX Garand and a bunch of melee weapons that are just cosmetic re-skins of the Knife just to make the Supply Drops more worth playing for.

Protip: They still aren't.

Specialists

What Treyarch thought would be a better substitute for good personalization, they make everyone play as a bunch of the same group of edgy fucktards with special abilities and overpowered as fuck weapons to go with them.

• Ruin: One of the bikers that shot up the Twin Peaks in Texas and does nothing but talk shit the entire time. Uses Gravity Spikes and Overdrive.Acts like he's gods gift because he got augmentations , gee , its not like the main character in the campaign got his arms riped off in a foursome with some robots.
• Outrider: The specialist along with Seraph that nearly everybody fucking uses. A Spic bitch that uses the Sparrow compound bow and Vision Pulse, ending a game every fucking time saying "One shot one kill, won't even hear it coming."
• Prophet: A Britbong nigger with goggles that constantly raves about how technologically superior his dick is. Uses the Tempest and the Glitch ability.
• Battery: Americunt bitch who does nothing but talk shit, much like Ruin. Uses the annoying as fuck War Machine and the damn near useless Kinetic Armor.
• Seraph: Some gook bitch complete with a bowl cut used by everyone who doesn't use Outrider. Uses the Annihilator and Combat Focus.
• Nomad: Another Spic who nobody uses at all. Uses the Hive launcher and the Rejack ability.
• Reaper: A robot who is used by all the try hards who want the use the Scythe minigun that transforms out of his fucking arm. Ability is Psychosis.
• Spectre: Some faggot that nobody knows who he is. Uses the Ripper and Active Camo.
• Firebreak: A drunken slav that blows fire out of his asshole. Uses the overpowered as shit Purifier and the Heat Wave ability.

Scorestreaks

Because you can't get kills with just a fucking gun.

• HC-XD: Same principal as the old RC-XD, an RC car from Toys R' Us strapped with C4 but it can now fucking jump and drive up walls of all things.
• UAV: Same as it always has been. Periodically shows where enemies are on the map for people who can't find them themselves, so they can in turn steal all your fucking kills.
• Care Package: Same as always, sometimes you get shit and then there's the one time you get something good, then you get sniped by the camping fuckface from across the map and your teammate takes your shit.
• Counter-UAV: Jams the shit out of the enemies radar. Spam the shit out of it for lulz.
• Dart: Drone that’s loaded with missiles capable of locking on to enemies and score streaks and can also dive bomb for an explosive blast. Basically the Assault Drone from Advanced Warfare all over again.
• Guardian: Microwave turret from Black Ops 2 that cooks the shit out of anyone's brains if they walk in front of it. Not as useful now thanks to the fucking thrusters.
• Hellstorm Missile: Expect a billion of these every fucking game. Cluster missile that has the potential to kill your entire fucking team in the blink of an eye.
• Lightning Strike: Call in a bunch of jets to go and bomb the shit out of a designated area, just like in Black Ops 2.
• Rolling Thunder: Call in a bunch of Kamikaze Jihad drones to go and suicide bomb the shit out of a directed path, similar to the godforsaken Bombing Run.
• Talon: AI controlled flying attack drone that follows you around and lights anyone who comes by you the fuck up.
• Cerberus: Similar to the AGR, an AI drone that cruises around the map fucking shit up for the other team.
• Wraith: Copy paste of the Stealth Chopper from the last game, complete with it's burp gun.
• H.A.T.R: Advanced UAV, continuously shows everyone's location on the radar, but unlike the Blackbird it can be shot down, so fuck all.
• R.A.P.S: Call in a ship that drops giant spiked balls that track enemies down and blow them the fuck up.
• Dart: Drone that’s loaded with missiles capable of locking on to enemies and score streaks and can also dive bomb for an explosive blast. Basically the Assault Drone from Advanced Warfare all over again.
• Power Core: Deployable EMP station. Thankfully nowhere near as easy to get as the much loathed System Hack and it can be destroyed.
• GI Unit: Call in a robot that follows you around and fucks shit up.
• Mothership: Similar to the Paladin from Advanced Warfare, it's big fucking gunship with a shit ton of firepower.

Weapons

This CoD is unique among the series for being the first to not feature a single real world weapon and instead, you get a bunch of fake ass guns that look and sound like they were ripped straight from Crysis 2. Also, Advanced Warfare's overpowered as fuck weapon variants are gone and instead you make your own "variants" in Gunsmith which in reality is just regular weapon customization with everything unlocked and a Forza-like paintshop system that lets you paint a square inch of your gun. Anything you make will end up looking 10 times shitter than AW's ugliest variants. You probably won't be able to use any of your creations anyways because your primary will end up taking up the entire Create-a-Class space anyways, but it's not like shit other than your primary matters in this game, even perks fucking suck donkey dick now.

Assault Rifles

Most commonly used category, decent balance between power and mobility. Will fuck shit up in most situations.

• KN-44: A fake as shit AK variant because it's what the bad guys need. Fairly balanced but kicks like there's no tomorrow.
• Man-O-War: Essentially a rehash of the HBR-A3. A slow firing as shit AR but with enough damage to drop an elephant. This gun is made of kill.
• HVK-30: Highest rate of fire AR in the game, which basically makes it akin to the FAMAS and Type 25. Decent power but will eat shit at range thanks to it's erratic recoil.
• Shieva: A semi auto rifle that rapes absolute shit at long range and can kill in two shots. Made by Indians of all fucking people. Also somehow gets wood furnishings when you put attachments on it
• M8A7: Fake as fuck successor to the slightly less fake M8A1 from Black Ops 2. 4 round burst with nearly no recoil what so fucking ever.
• XR-2: Fast 3 round burster with not much point in using it when you can just use the M8A7.
• ICR-1: M4A1 type Democracy blaster with no recoil whatsoever. the downside is that it weak as fuck, as you need 5 shots to kill at point blank.
• MX Garand: A moar futorized M1 Garand rifle from World War II because why the fuck not. Shitty 8 round capacity but it drops faggots in two shots. Yes, it makes the "ping" noise. Don't shit yourself.

Submachine Guns

High rate of fire shitsticks with complete ass in terms of range, they all look about exactly the same.

• Kuda: MP5 sort SMG, balanced overall but completely blows it at range.
• Weevil: Shoots fucking fast as hell and has a large amount of ammo. The recoil is enough to flip you the fuck backwards.
• Razorback: Somehow handles more like an AR an than an SMG, as a result you can rape shit a long range with little recoil and high mobility.
• Vesper: A gun that shoots even faster than the Weevil and has less ammo. Oh and it's got more recoil too. Rapes shit at close range but that's it.
• Pharo: 4 round burst in an Uzi type body of course, because every CoD needs an SMG for teh bad guyz.
• VMP: High rate of fire as usual with good damage at the cost of not being able to hit the broadside of a fucking barn.
• HG-40: Futuristic bastard brother of the MP-40 , has littertly no recoil and can hit shit from the other side of the map.

Shotguns

Blow someones fucking guts out, at the cost of not being able to hit anything past 2 feet in front of you.

• KRM-262: A flimsy looking pump action shotty that sits people on their ass at close range.
• Haymaker 12: Full auto shotgun. Like every full auto shotgun before it, it's damage is shit and is only effective for spamming.
• 205 Brecci: Slow as fuck semi auto shotgun with jack shit damage and range. Use it if you feel like dying.
• Argus: A lever action that loads fast as shit and can one shot kill from halfway across the fucking map. Modern Warfare 2's pre-nerfed Model 1887 all over again.

Sniper Rifles

Famous for being used for 1337 quikscop3 klipz. "XBAWKS R3CORD THAT"

• Locus: Bolt action rifle which as you can expect will be used purely by faggot Dew drinking quickscoper 12 year olds.
• Drakon: Semi auto DMR with a big ass clip and kills in two shots with it's spamtastic rate of fire.
• P-06: Charged 3 round burst sniper that's similar to the Storm PSR from Black Ops 2. One burst kill but fucking useless due to the delay.
• SVG-100 Auto-cycling bolt action that absolutely pounds the shit out of faggots at long range. Used mostly by actual snipers.
• RSA Interdiction: See Locus

Light Machine Guns

Big, heavy, full retard camping devices with enough fucking damage and ammo to last you until the next CoD release.

• BRM: Slow shooting but powerful and little recoil. Sit in the back of the map with this and aim for an objective. ???? Profit.
• Dingo: Double barreled LMG with a high rate of fire and moderate recoil. Perfect for LMG spamming like a fucknut.
• Gorgon OP 2 shot kill LMG that plebs use. It fires slower than a AC130 gun covered in molasses.
• 48 Dredge: 6-round burst M249 SAW ripoff. Absolutely demolishes fuckers at any range, provided you hit them.

Pistols

Used when you waste all your ammo, yet you will probably never need a secondary to begin with.

• MR6: An actually fairly decent pistol for a change. You will never use it because you will run out of fucking room from decking out your AR.
• RK5: 3 burster machine pistol akin to the B23R and the M93 Raffica. Decent at close quarters and range if you can dump a whole mag into your target.
• L-CAR-9: Full auto machine pistol for that last resort moment when you need to kill a nigger 3 feet in front of you with no reason for aiming.
• Marshall 16: Double barreled shotgun pistol that fires both rounds at once, blowing the guts out of the guy in front of you and leaving you fucked because you have to reload every single fucking time.

Launchers

Blow shit up.

• XM-53: Rehash of the SMAW, can lock on vehicles or be dumb fired. Useful for players with shit skill.
• BlackCell: Vehicle lock on only but locks on fast as shit and can down UAVs almost as fast as they are called in.

Specials

• NX ShadowClaw: Clip fed crossbow with name coined by a six year old that is also a one shot kill. Use with Tri-bolt or Dual-Wield for maximum lulz.

Specialist Weapons

Basically Zombies wonder weapons for multiplayer. Overpowered as fuck and makes Rilisoft cum in their pants.

• Gravity Spikes: Dual jackhammers that slam into the ground and kill everyone in the shockwave. Expect this to happen a million times a game.
• Sparrow: Fast as fuck explosive compound bow that one hit kills and blows the fuck up anyone it hits.
• Tempest: Lightning gun that can chain kills just like the Wunderwaffe DG-2. Why the fuck would they...
• War Machine: Revolving noob tube that fires nades that blow up on impact with enemies or are time delayed.
• Annihilator: 6 round revolver that's a fucking one shot kill anywhere on the body. It just keeps getting worse with these weapons.
• H.I.V.E Launcher: Proximity mine launcher in which the mines are filled with flying drones. Get to close to a mine and the drones will rip you the fuck apart in a gore fest.
• Ripper: Twin energy blades that are an instant one hit kill and grant the player Commando Pro so they can lunge 20 feet and kill someone.
• Scythe: One of the most overpowered of the specialist guns takes form as a fucking minigun. Big surprise. This thing can mow down groups of people easily and if multiple people are using it, you might as well quit.
• Purifier: As if the Scythe wasn't retarded enough, this is a flamethrower that can fire halfway across the map and instantly kills anyone who touches the flame. What he fuck.

Other Shit

FYI: All melee weapons asides from your fists perform exactly the same. It's basically TF2 type cosmetic shit to entice people into buying Supply Drops.

• Knife: Thanks to the fuckers at Treyarch switching to a 2 hit Halo style melee system, the one hit kill knife is now an optional secondary. Because fuck you that's why.
• Butterfly Knife: Same shit as the base Knife but added because of the masses of neckbeards who finally graduated from Team Fortress 2 CS:GO who began playing Black Ops III. Can do tricks and shit.
• Wrench: Basically the wrench from Warhawk. Does no shit differently from the Knife.
• Brass Knuckles: Same shit as the Knife.
• Fury's Song: A fucking sword for neckbeards and weeaboos. Same shit as the knife.
• Iron Jim: Crowbar from Half Life 2, assuming any of the faggots who play CoD know what that is. Same shit as the knife.
• MVP: Makes You The Scout from Hat Fortress
• Malice: A Occult ritual knife that Emos use to cut their wrist
• Carver: The deformed love child of a cleaver and a karambit
• Fists: The shitty "weapon" you get when you don't equip anything. Its a 2 shot kill and good luck getting close to people it the map is not fucking Nuk3town.

Zombies

The only main selling point to Treyarch's CoDs until they started making things too fucking overcomplicated is back. At least Der Reise is returning for what that's worth, if anything. Basically, Treyarch jumped the shark big time with Zombie mode. Richtofen from Origins went all evil Doctor Who, and goes around reshaping the timeline to protect the 2 kids we all thought made Zombies into a board game who are actually in an alternate universe. Basically he teleports to Der Riese, boomheadshots his crazy Nazi self before taking the others on a journey to kill off the WW2 versions of themselves.

Maps

• Shadows of Evil: Jeff Goldblum, Ron Perlman, that guy from Band of Brothers, and Felicity Shagwell from Austin Powers get trapped by C'thulu's butt boy in a Jew York/Chicago-style '40s city. Basically this one fucking sucks and has nothing to do with the original characters.
• The Giant: The Der Reise remake. It's still pretty fucking awesome.
• Der Eisendrachen: German name for Iron Dragon. Go to a remote castle in Austria, get raped by zombies.
• Dead ops Arcade II: Ctrl + V of black cocks dead ops arcade , save your chicken or get raped by a communist gorilla

Characters

• Tank Dempsey: Typical gung-ho Americunt Mehreen trooper.
• Nikolai Belinski: Commie who feels like dirty capitalist when getting double-points. Starts regaining his alcoholism his original timeline character had.
• Takeo Masaki: Honor-obsessed Jap gook.
• Edward Richtofen: WW1 Biologist who goes around to different universes. Slowly going insane like the Nazi version of himself.

Perks

• Juggernog: Also lovingly known as niggernog, allows you to take more punishment up the ass from Zombies.
• Speed Cola: Also referred to as Speed Cocaine. Allows you to fap faster.
• Double Tap 2: Also called Double Fap. Increases your fire rate while one bullet becomes 2 in mid-air for more damage.
• Quick Revive: AKA Dick revive. Revive idiots faster in co-op. Revives yourself if you get downed for 3 times before disappearing in solo.
• Stamin' Up: Run farther and faster like the coward you are!
• Deadshot Daiquiri: Or Deadshit Dogqueeri if you prefer. Turns on aim-assist to auto-aim at the head, decreases your hipfire spread, and completely eliminates sway when aiming with snipers. If you're not using the awesome Drakon Sniper, it's a waste of points when you can just fucking make a little effort to manually aim, and have the Laser Sight attachment in your weapons kits.
• Mule Kick: More like Mule Shit. Carry an extra dildo.
• Widow's Wine: Zombies which whack you get covered in sticky cum, slowing them down. I am not making this shit up.

Gobble Gum

Since Perk machines were not enough bullshit, pay $500 once a round to get some special gumball which gives you special shit, like:

• Having all zombies ignore you for 10 seconds.
• Having all zombies come after only you for 10 seconds.
• Making your next wall buy a Pack-a-Punch version of the weapon.
• Not taking any self-inflicted explosive damage for 3 full rounds. Why didn't they just fucking bring back PhD Flopper?!

We're too lazy to list them all. Check the CoD wiki for a full list for fuck's sake.

Other Shit

• Bowie Knife: 3000 points for an Xbox-hueg knife which is a 1-hit kill until round 9. By Round 9, you'll either not see it or spend all your shit on Juggernog/the mystery box.
• Rocket Shield: Find 3 parts to get the Riot Shield from MW2, which can blast you across the map, taking out all zombies in front of you. Also protects you from zombies that try and strike your back. Pretty amazing if you can find the parts.
• The Mystery Box: THE original trolling device. Pay 950 points, only to get a rocket launcher or the Shieva. Watch as you try to swap your out of ammo KN44 and then the Teddy bear shows up, enjoy not having a weapon and getting swarmed by zombies!
• Pack-a-Punch: Turns your dildo into an uber-special dildo for 5000 points. Pay an additional 2500 and hope your weapon gets that Turned or Fireworks attachment or you're fucked. Turns the starting pistol into a dual-wield grenade launcher.
• Wrath of the Ancients: Essentially the Sparrow from Multiplayer. Fucking amazing.
• Raganork DG4: The Gravity spikes from MP. Horridly OP.

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