Yuppie

The direct opposite of rednecks, a yuppie (AKA: "new money", "young money" and "upper middle class") qualifies as anyone that meets any parts of the following criteria:

1. Are baby boomers (Note the term "baby" and their spoiled rotten brat upbringing during the postwar boom 1950s.)
2. Acquired wealth largely disproportionate to the amount of effort they have expended on the workplace (See: Steve Jobs, Hollywood, Brad Fitzpatrick, etc...)
3. Display that wealth via an oversized ANYTHING, except they aren't really showy.
4. General adulation for lower economic and social classes (see: Liberal), but a tendency to get Libertarian whenever it's convenient for themselves.
5. Has an emo kid, a metrosexual boy or a goth daughter.
6. Routinely starts spontaneous cultural diversity festivals which ironically exclude all types of culturally diverse people other than the various breeds of whitey.
7. Religiously follows Well-Cultured Anonymous, scorning even the slightest dissenter.
8. Loves Italian and ethnic things, eastern religions, exotic cultures and want (or claim) to have Cherokee Indian (the dot or feather, they don't know) blood. Oh yuppies get pissed off at you for saying that, it's NATIVE AMERICAN, OK?
9. And believes people should work, but are like "I don't wanna work, I wanna play on the drum all day."

A yuppie solicits a prostitute that, post-fornication, he will regard as an inferior human being.

Yuppies tend to be LJ killers.

Where do I find a Yuppie?

Yuppie studies have shown that the most concentrated areas of yuppiedom are found in the eastern and westernmost points of the United States (namely Connecticut, California and Chicagoland); and more recently, Oregon and a place called Seattle somewhere near Vancouver, where the San Francisco Yuppies have been forced to migrate to due to an influx of Asians, niggers and Mexicans in their natural habitat. Where political and ideological lifestyles are mirrored in all three places (or coasts) by most adult yuppies, most 16-year old girls tend to wish they were at the opposite coast for "lyke, a totally diff change of pace", because the whole of California consists of Orange County and the whole of the east coast consists of New York City to them. (Their parents haven't told them about places like Washington, DC, Compton, Los Angeles, Detroit, Michigan, and Harlem, New York.) Despite the desires for "totally sweet road trips", the inner redneckery of the Midwest and the job waiting for them at their "dad's dealership" for when they get out of 100% parentally paid college at some shitty state school keeps the Yuppie children tethered to where they are. Until, of course, the next Carnival cruise boat comes to shore to take them for a vacation to some Caribbean island where they introduce their children to the black man.

On a smaller scale, the inner workings of said Yuppie areas are tinged with smaller areas of culture that are ultimately gentrified by the encroaching Anglo-Saxon masses, who've finished their Oprah Book Club books and are frustrated with yet again attempting to use their new chopsticks on the 9 dollar roll of sushi they bought from "one of those gosh darn orientals". Funny thing is yuppies driven out Chinese and other Asian folk in the SF Bay area, but hired Filipinos and Vietnamese en masse, because they feel sorry for them yellow people and feel good afterward when they took the jobs from American citizens of all races. Genuine museums, studios, and neighborhoods are warped into art-douche hives (ex. Greenwich Village, New York City; Berkeley, California; and South Beach, Miami).

You can also expect to find them at their children's soccer practice where they spend ample amounts of time bitching out the coach for not letting their son or daughter be captain of the team despite the glaring fact their obnoxious little crotchfruit is a drooling fucktard who still shits their pants. But on the lighter side, them soccer Moms are hotter than farmers' daughters and they're able to have time to fuck you inside their SUVs in the soccer field facility parking lot.

When a yuppie goes missing for more than 48 hours, said yuppie can usually be found at an Apple store, attempting to justify spending over $2000 on some overpriced hardware.

Yuppies are prone to catching the flu and to protect their children, the kids get teh vaccine and end up catching teh autism. In reality, yuppies are hyperchondriacs, con-artists in the game called litigation and are total hypocrites.

Yuppie Children

An emotionally neglected yuppie child turns elsewhere for attention. One tit is always bigger then the other.

Most yuppies don't have children; they are too expensive, time-consuming and generally cut into their frozen Margarita consumption. Most would rather buy a show-dog, dress it up in cute little sweaters and parade it around public like complete jackasses. Rarely, yuppies will choose to breed a child or two. These spawn will also be dressed up in fancy clothes and paraded around public on occasion, but beyond that, they suffer severe neglect. Yuppies rely on non-English speaking nannies to raise their children, or they shuttle them off to daycare while they work 80 hours a week and spend most of their free time tinkering with their boats or being seen at the trendiest cafe Starbucks having an overpriced latte.

Yuppie adolescents tend to be rebellious, emo brats who slash their wrists by the time they are 14. The ones who survive their suicide attempts turn to attention seeking behaviors, such as writing depressing poetry, doing drugs, making pipe-bombs in the garage or becoming a scene kid. Instead of giving their children the attention they so desperately seek, many yuppies will heavily medicate their wayward brats or send them to military academy or a Juvenile Bootcamp for Troubled Teens with hopes that they will do a better job at raising and disciplining their children than they did. Then the yuppies will go to the coffee shops and find other sympathetic yuppies to share their problems with.

How Do I Know If I Am A Yuppie?

A yuppie will usually obsess over something stupid such as a German car or a dog. Yuppies also often have retarded children, but fail to realize that retardation is a disease that cannot be cured by any amount of "anti-depressants" (you know, drugs that don't really do anything except serve as a disgusting waste of money), private schooling, Hooked on Phonics, or voting for Libertarians.

Yuppies claim to care about the environment, but they drive the biggest SUVs on the planet and litter constantly. They also claim to be compassionate and to have a "love everybody" attitude, but just try and show any sign of diversity and they will go INSANE. Even if you just mow your lawn on a more relaxed schedule than they do.

A female yuppie (called a "yuppette" or rather, a well-groomed butch dyke - complete with the disgustingly shorter-than-neck-length hair, if not bald) will have these same traits. These vicious yuppettes will stock the fridge with nothing but hummus, LifeWater and Caesar salad, avoid all brand name products, and hate her daughter's boyfriend (unless of course, he is a douchebag) but never show any sign of it because she is too cowardly to show her true feelings and thoughts (as most yuppies are).

You Might Be A Yuppie If You....

• Usually go for a "brunch"
• Act like a tourist no matter where you are
• Live in a McMansion that has the garage as the focal point instead of the front door
• Own the most humongous SUV on the market but you have never been off-road or have even driven it anywhere but around the suburbs
• Wear at least $1,000.00 worth of sporting wears and equipment when participating in a sport
• Play golf
• Claim friendship with the Middle Easterns and/or Asians you work with so you can have a token minority friend
  • double points if your friend is from a lower working class
  • triple points if your friend is an African and/or Mexican
  • quadruple points Native American and/or Hawaiian
  • quintuple points if your friend is Gay and/or Transie
• Are 'spiritual' but not 'religious'; believe everything you read in the New Age self-help books featured on the Oprah Bookclub Selection of the Month
• Shell out for an expensive home security system because you are too much of a pussy to own a gun
• Think you're culturally diverse because you visited another country and/or taught in a different country
• Actually pay for HD channels and bought a 3DTV
• Realize that most of the things you have aren't needed, but wanted them anyway
• Wear clothing that whores the name brand out, polos, and carry handbags with prominent logos from such places as Gucci, Prada, Lacoste, etc.
• Believe in amnesty for illegal immigrants just so long as they aren't allowed to move into your gated communities
  • However, Koreans, Chileans and Iranians are "OK" in their book
• Suffer from smartphone brain tumors
• Are liberal despite being conservative works more towards your favor because you are progressive and open-minded - in other words, yuppie men hang out with women as "friends", except yuppie women HATE men the same way the KKK hates Negroes and the Nazis hate Jews
• Be Jewish (or Protestant, Episcopalian, and Anglican)
• Be White (the Nordic/Aryan or WASP kind)
• And most of all, be Asian (yuppies ALL wish to be Japanese)

How To Annoy Yuppies

Most yuppies are oblivious to their situation, so trolling them is an easy form of lulz and drama-production that can take the form of any of the following:

• Throw Aluminum cans in the trash
• Moving into a yuppie neighborhood while being black or Mexican.
• Tilting over their SUVs by building roads with turns greater than 1°
• Selling drugs to their privately-schooled children
• Litter
• Attempting to, in a calm, reasonable tone, defend the Communist party
• Raving about the accurate portrayals of suburban life found in the film, "American Beauty," including:
  • Pussy-whipped, secret pedophile men with epic mid-life crisis
  • Controlling bitch-cunt moms
  • Loathing offspring destined to perpetuate the cycle
  • Ultra-conservative dads who never acknowledged their repressed feelings and must attend church every Sunday (Invite them over!)
  • The boy next door with special needs
  • The cheerleader who is just asking for it
  • Extramarital affairs - Yuppie women are polyamorous sluts and have an "open partner" who knocked her up 6 times and he's either a Puerto Rican, Italian or Armenian, so your kids you raise look like (and are) ethnics
• Accuse them of yuppiness
• Insulting religion and explaining that life is a dream orchestrated by their mind.
  • But Yuppies aren't "religious", just act like a Southern Dixie Hillbilly Redneck White Trash Hick (see Baptists).
• Invite them to contribute to any charitable offering:
  • Will scoff at decent charities, i.e. Red Cross, Meals on Wheels, and that "salvation" army that tries to get homeless people off crack, get back to work and stop begging for spare change in the corner of the Macy's in downtown Seattle
  • Will bring financial ruin upon themselves for charities fighting for pointless causes (Examples: "STOP WHALING NOW", "STOP TEH HAET", "END RAEP CULTURE", "END CULTURE THEFT", "SAVE THE EAERTH", "PETA SAYZ MAEAT IS MURDER" or other retarded crap and whiny crying LOVEFEST)
  • Many lulz derived from claiming that you contribute more than them
  • How yuppies sell and do more illegal drug use than their stereotypical Black ghetto teen male, white rural poor boy, and Cubans

If you feel bad about any of this. Just remember: Yuppies are NOT people.

Here is the proper way to handle any yuppie you see doing tai chi in the park.

Related Articles

• Capitalism
• Guido
• Hipster
• Liberal guilt

External Links

• Yuppie Anthem