User:Anwar Sadat's Horny Ghost/Pro Gaming

How professional gamers see themselves.

Professional video gamers are industry welfare recipients who subsist playing games. They are idols to all who dream of being reviled by society and shunned by women.

Playing Games For Money

How professional gamers actually look.

Being paid to play video games is a little like masturbating so much you are hired as a pornstar. All of the time spent alone in a rathole screaming and furiously engaging in repetitive motions has afforded professional gamers an opportunity to do it in the light of day. The years spent pressing buttons has given them everything they need needed to press buttons slightly faster than the other children doing the same thing. They are herded in to a cavernous room and sat down in front of a screen and made to perform for hours straight, with only energy drinks for company. The most successful of these children may make a great deal of money, to buy $500 keyboards and pornography subscriptions.

Here's hoping this one can work a joystick.

The smell is indescribably horrible. Contest organizers try their best to cover the stench emitted by three hundred unwashed morbidly obese cattle jerking away at the controllers. The effect is to perfectly simulate a truck stop rest room, the deep and pervasive stench of shit and sweat, covered by a sheer veil of plastic flowers. Any bystander mistaking the room for a place hospitable for life will wretch immediately upon entering, and their clothes will be impregnated with the stench forever.

Paying For The Privilege

Aside from social, professional, and hygienic sacrifices made by aspiring professional gamers, there is a shit ton of gear that you need to compete with others as sad and lonely as you for the adoration of literally dozens of people worldwide. First, forget about a fifty dollar logitech mouse, no self respecting pro gamer would dare be seen without his trusty two hundred dollar Cyborg R.A.T. 9 Gaming Mouse. And who the fuck knows what the acronyms describing this $2000 keyboard mean, but the numbers beside them are so high, it's gotta help with n00b pwning. Even your fucking computer chair has to be perfectly tuned to slapping away at Starcraft for hours on end. Throw in a 1337 headset, special gaming cables, and a super responsive, high definition display, and the endeavoring professional gamer can blow right past the $5000 dollar mark on peripherals without even having anything to plug them into.
When it comes to gaming rigs, keeping current is the name of the game. New graphics card offers a 2% improvement? Preordered months in advance. Each game, and every bit of DLC available must be snapped up the moment they become available. All the technology put towards maxing out Battlefield combined would spit out cancer cures like tickertape, but is sadly wrapped up massaging e-peens and facilitating impossible dreams. Believe it or not, casual gamers are not the only ones funding the salaries of the top few gamers. All of the second rate losers nipping at their heels, spending shit tons trying to buy their way to talent, might as well be signing the checks to the winners.

	“	570,187 players... $1,495,630 won	„
	—Major League Gaming's track record. That's $2.63 per player, for the math impaired.

Gaming As A Career

In spite of all the uncertainties a professional gamer may face, everyone goes home a winner. Some come away with a case of hypertension, others win carpal tunnel, and a lucky few even get a brand new set of bone spurs. And since the medical benefits of professional gamers consist of shoplifted bandages and street bought Adderal, anything on the serious side of a sunburn can land their asses in the emergency room, bad news for anyone who spends eighteen hours of the day on their ass. A daily diet consisting of a gallon of Red Bull and generic Doritos will rot teeth like your health teacher said meth would, without all that grout scrubbing. All the dental work in the world, all bought out of pocket, won't fix the damage done with six months of hardcore gaming. Should a professional gamer wish to leave their darkened interior chamber and make an actual living, they will have illiterate, asocial, and utterly incompetent quasi-humans for references, and experiences that sounds like a Gamestop inventory.

You Can Too!

The greatest kill to death of all time.

The steps to becoming a professional gamer are as obvious as they are simple: spend years playing either one game exclusively or a ridiculously diverse set of games, spending years perfecting the controls of each game, understanding their nuances, beat an absurd amount of opponents which meticulously cultivating your kill to death ratio, meaning mowing down twelve year old boys like so much grass. Alternately, you could be a woman. Pretty much any woman capable of turning on a console is immediately hired on, regardless of skill, because the makers of games are eager to shed the stereotype that only boys are interested in repeatedly gunning down their friends while ogling scantily clad woman and screaming invective at the top of their lungs. These same girls will then bitch and moan about being discriminated against because they are terrible gamers and take every little threat of rape and murder seriously.

See Also

• MLG
• Tourneyfag

External Links

Girls bitching about not being good enough to actually compete.
New York Times on your irrational dreams.
The only guide you'll ever need.
Find out how much better a $4500 gaming PC is than a $450 PC. Hint: It's none.