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The X-Files

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The, deceptively named, X-Files was a mid 90's television show (and eventually a couple of movies) designed to pander to the tinfoil hat wearing market of television viewers. It starred David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and it is safe to assume that 95% of the show's viewers watched purely in anticipation that something vaguely interesting would happen. They were left very disapointed. Every teenage basement dweller at the time had a major chunk of wood for the red-headed temptress, Gillian Anderson, agent Bitchwhore Scully. As it turns out, David Duchovny is the only one of the pair we've seen have sex (see Californication), but strangely nobody seems to be complaining. Gillian Anderson shared two steamy sex scenes with Danny Dyer in a rape-revenge movie Closure (Straightheads for Britfags), complete with her shriveled MILF titties and dog nipples.

The truth is up in there. Just probe in there a little deeper, E.T.

The show revolved around a whole heap of alien and supernatural related conspiracy theories which resulted in every paranoid nerd fanboy suddenly believing they were cool at parties. The show's real world popularity unfortunately spawned a fuckload of shitty fanfic on the internets, much which still exists today.



Anatomy of the X-Files

 
 
The X-Files movie.
 
And it still makes more sense than what actually happens.
 
Fox Mulder is a Jew.

There are two types of X-Files episodes: those where you get a good look at Scully's jugs, and those where you don't. Needless to say, the former episode type is immensely more popular.

Of course, some argue that there are two OTHER ways to categorize them, like so: those that are part of the story's mythology, and those that aren't. Here is how they go:

MYTHOLOGY: Blah blah blah Russian sub blah blah blah people talking in foreign languages with NO FUCKING SUBTITLES blah blah blah more blah blah blah people screaming and shouting orders in foreign languages, again, with NO FUCKING SUBTITLES, blah blah blah, someone dies, blah blah blah roll opening credits blah blah blah Mulder shows some slides to Scully blah blah blah Scully asks some questions blah blah blah Mulder gives her his theory blah blah blah Scully tells him he's delusional blah blah blah cut to a shot of the Cigarette-Smoking Man in his hideout with the other old people blah blah blah BLACK OIL blah blah blah z0mg A ALIENZ!!!111 blah blah blah CONSPIRACIES! blah blah blah Mulder *DOESN'T* nut up and ask Scully to fuck blah blah blah roll credits, audience is pissed.

NOTE: Woe be to you if you haven't seen the Mythology episode before that. You will not understand a fucking word of it.

NOT MYTHOLOGY:

Episode summary: "A bizarre series of murders in Smalltown, U.S.A. points towards cult killings, but Mulder suspects something far more sinister...and Scully doesn't. Surprise, surprise."

Starts with useless faggots BAWWWWING about how depressed they are couldn't get into Star Trek, and had to settle for this incredibly interesting and unique show instead. All seems normal for about five seconds until you see some occultist, monster, or some other ingenious innovation. It never kills them in a way that provides any vague hint of logic or commonplace to the viewer, but rather bullshits you out with amazing special effects from the 1990's. The credits then come on. Then, instead of using any remote concept of originality, the 10,000 writers for this show just do the following:

   
“ 		 

Mulder, there has been five deaths.
 

„
  		 

—Scully - trying to use logic.

   
“ 		 

"Find my sister, find my sister, find my sister. . ."
 

„
  		 

—Mulder being an asshole.

   
“ 		 

"I think it was by a murderer."
 

„
  		 

—Scully - unaware that Chris Carter hates women.

   
“ 		 

"Find my sister, find my sister, find my sister. . ."
 

„
  		 

—Mulder - the very entity of originality.

   
“ 		 

"The evidence shows that there were five gunshot wounds right above the head and that they died of blood-loss."
 

„
  		 

—Scully - trying to be a scientist, and failing epically.

   
“ 		 

"OR, it's a vampire-alien-space-fag!"
 

„
  		 

—Mulder - his shit will become reality.

   
“ 		 

"Oh come on Mulder, that's completely moronic.
 

„
  		 

—"Scully - on what everyone with an IQ over 5 thinks of the show.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

At which point Skinner will come in saying that Mulder is a fucking retard, and that more people died and that Mulder and Scully have to fix it. Because a whole police force is entirely helpless against one mutated furry (srsly). Oh, and apparently X killed Y because X secretly was using Y for Z, and Z proves that Mulder is not a total fucktard, but still completely insane. From then on, one of these will happen:

Then it ends with Scully getting saved, all proof that Mulder isn't an obligatory faggot getting erased, and Skinner still being a goatse.

X-Files Fandom

 
It's a perfect representation of this show. Note the epic fail.
 
The finest furfaggotry one could ever hope to see.

Due to the high rank of stupidity in today's world, X-Files has a fandom that can just barely sustain Chris Carter's bloated ego, causing many basement dwellers to ritually lick his anus in glory.

Some say, that X-files itself was the result of a talentless weeaboo with an alien fetish. The average plot for an X-files fan fiction is only slightly less depressing to the world than the show itself--only decreasing the national IQ by about 7--causing anyone who is pathetic enough to actually watch this piece of deranged fecal matter to the mythology world should just become an hero and spare the world their presence.

The most popular pairing is MulderxScully (shortened romantically to MulScu or FuckBitch), primarily because they are the only people in the show who don't die within the first four minutes, and ever actually do anything throughout the series. The fans of these two are often 16-year-old-girls and fanboys that fantasize of getting into Scully's tender vagina--the most common plot device for Mulder throughout the story.

Fortunately, the X-Files consist of a wardrobe so painfully retarded that even the dumbest of fantards wouldn't cosplay in it. . . ORLY?

Roughly 95% of the fans will constantly insist that this series was the best thing to happen since Disney World and proceed to troll anyone who sees through the layer of epic fail that is X-Files. However, such occurrences are rare due to the large number of fags who actually have a life.

Ways to troll an X-tard

  • Point out any plotholes in the show (there's at least 100 per episode)
  • Tell them that MulScu never actually happened because the movie was arguably the only thing that could possibly be worse than the actual series
  • Use science
  • Ask them why they like the show, then, no matter how they respond, type "You're stupid. The very existence of you makes time progress slower. You useless fuck. If you have any care for the sake of humanity, you will hang yourself in a deep, dark hole where no one will ever find you." Pwn, BAWWW, repeat.
  • Say anything against MulScu
  • Goatse
  • Talk about how hypocritical the plot is
  • Mention the name 'Squeeze', and see them 'tards go flying
  • Spam them with dated memes and links to this page. Add screenshots for optimized lulz
  • Repeatedly point out that Mulder is a psychopathic sociopath, who is incapable of feeling love due to many experiments with aliens
  • "Scully is a cold-hearted bitch, like your mom."
  • Laugh at their response

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See Also

 

The X-Files is part of a series on

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