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Have you ever wondered, while swimming around in a cesspool of human garbage, if you could classify every living thing in it? Well we here at ED never fear a challenge (and we have no real hobbies), so we are documenting the rampant problems in video games that are caused by playing with people from other countries on the interwebs. Surely, you had the urge to eradicate every single one of them by looking for the final solution and you came here to find the answer.
Well, unfortunately we can't help you with the second problem, but we can provide a realistic and 100% politically correct guide to you, that will be more useful than any shitty SJW Kotaku article that was written by a bulldyke who hates video games.
Usually work in teams because of insecurity problems
Easily trollable, just mention Nazis and/or ethnic cleansing
Germany is the biggest producer of scat porn (and the inventor)
If defeat, they all form an acute case of Vaginitis (which is hilariously entertaining)
German efficiency, because they treat games like work and they all grow up in labor camps
If rage, witness the instant Nazification, where they spazz out in a violent outburst of deeply repressed emotional issues (record to maximize lulz)
Easily confusable, just explain to them the concept of "fun" and watch how their skulls cave in (the German dictionary doesn't contain the word "fun", so you can't blame them much, if they say otherwise just yell "JEW HATER" and ride off in the sunset)
Gimp suits
Manginas
Workaholics
Epitome of white guilt
Psychological repression
They think video games are SIRIZ BIZNIZ
Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder
All secretly Nazis and into BDSM and/or scat porn, if not, they're lying
Indoctrinated to hate their culture, history, ancestors, themselves and the world
No matter if they lose or win they will always suffer from psychological dependence
Zero sense of humor, try and make a joke when Germans are around (no matter how good or bad) and proceed to listen to the background crickets, now try and make a joke while midgame and be prepared to get lynched
Did we mention THEY'RE ALL FUCKIN' NAZIS??!!!1!
Submissive beta male douchebags with backstabbing tendencies (watch out especially for the emote spammers), that pretend to like you, but really don't
Trivia - Why do Krauts use so many emoticons?
Because in written German there is no informal style that still looks dignified. You either sound uptight, matter-of-factly and emotionless, or you write in what would be the equivalent of the worst kind of wigger ebonics transcribed by an illiterate.
In written English, for example, using contractions takes away some of the formality, as does using "simpler" terms (like "buy" instead of "purchase"), and it's still legible and acceptable language. In written German, unless you want to look like a total pleb, you're restricted to very cold and stiff formal language, and many Germans try to soften that up by adding emoticons when chatting, and the habit carries over to when they write in English.
Some form of English (at least that's what Wikipedia says)
Susceptible to rage (easily exploitable)
Hilarious to see their faces when they lose against foreigners (because they suck at everything, besides talking about themselves for hours on end)
Elitists
Narcissists
Grandiosity
Drama queens
Aggravating accents
Major attention whores
Chavs (British gangstas and wiggers)
Ass kissers and circle jerkers
Slow reaction time due to inbred gene pool
Always fishing for validation and/or adulation
Susceptible to rage (annoying if in your team)
British teeth (and the worst oral hygiene imaginable)
Never satisfied, they always find something to complain about
They all hate foreigners (and consider themselves superior), if not, they're lying
Smug douche nozzles who will lord over you if they're winning aka sore winners (shocking)
Know-it-all pseudo-intellectual toolbags, when in reality they just learn shit like everyone else
Do not play well with other Europeans because of island monkey syndrome and holier-than-thou attitudes
Always reminding and shoving down your throat previous accomplishments and/or their alleged superiority
Begin to break down once they lose and blame everyone and everything for their failure aka sore losers (shocking)
Most, if not all are born with a silver spoon so far up their ass they can't tell the difference between small talk and a monologue
Obsessed with developing or gaining leadership, ironically having a toxic and self-destructive leadership style, where if anything goes wrong they flee the sinking ship
They do not understand the concept of loyalty and/or honor, if something they want emerges they won't hesitate for a second to exploit anything and everything to reach their goals, no matter the outcome
There is no rose without a thorn, in this case, a shit load of thorns
In a conversation, no matter how long, they always end up talking about or mentioning the male genitalia
Their favorite insult is "putain" (which means "fuck") because they always reminisce about the fuck they got from their dads
Then there's the touching. If at a LAN or event, always the touching, patting, whatever you may call it. It's gay and needs to stop.
If rage, because of limited vocabulary and/or immense retardation, they will only spam "putain", "merde" and "fils de pute", making it repetitive and boring
At least you can't smell their garlic and clam breath through your speakers.
Easily trollable, just mention obesity, books and/or their Jewish overlords
No matter the effort they will always be one step behind Europeans and ten steps behind Asians
Luckily, no one has to play with them, besides Brazilians (LOL)
If rage (or not necessarily), a high risk of death by stroke, which would be breathtakingly awesome (no pun intended)
Rednecks
Squeakers
Crybabies
Micropenis
Quad chins
Shit internet
God complex
Extreme homophobia
Diabetes (Diabetus)
Psychotic chauvinism
Deep vein thrombosis
Psychological projections
No real culture or history
Unwarranted Self-Importance
My way or the highway attitudes
They think a Mac is a gaming PC
Laughable brainwashed drooling sheeple
All fat and circumcised, if not, they're lying
Plump juicy man tits (moobs, bitch tits etc.)
Borderline retarded uncultured waste of human resources
They think Australia is a country and/or have no idea where Europe is
Maladjusted manchildren that all suffer from Special Snowflake syndrome
They think Europe is only comprised by 3G countries (and they barley know even does)
They actually compare the accuracy of a computer mouse to the accuracy of a controller
Most if not all are casual console fags that believe games like COD or Shitfield are competitive games
Always bitching and moaning about how gaming PCs are expensive even though they're one of the richest countries in the world
The porcine idiots who coined the term "eSports" implying that sitting on your ass all day eating junk food and pushing buttons is a sport (if confused, read a dictionary)
At an event or LAN, if an American team or player is facing foreigner(s), the American crowd will always chant "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" in the most cringeworthy way known to mankind (making it even more satisfying when they lose), most of the time they are the only people who chant and generally their chants end as quickly as they start since Americans suck shit at everything (they even chant after they lose, to underline their butthurtness)
The experience can only be compared with either a ten-hour-long shit after eating a tray full of nails and razorblades or a glass jar shattering up your ass
Always entertaining and gratifying to see them trying hard to reach prominence but miserably fail in the process, most of the time by their own hand
They're not Brazilians
Tracksuits
No teamplay, ever
Epitome of stupidity
Passive-aggressive behavior
The cancer of the eastern hemisphere
Alcohol abuse, and not the funny kind
Yell, sing and taunt over the microphone
Just like Scabies, you can never get rid of them
They always clog up the chat with Cyrillic drivel
Dunning-kruger effect that later develops into an impostor syndrome
Laughable brainless tryhards that always fail in the end (useless in your team)
Zero English, if any, it's kindergarten level and/or they never pass basic insults
Сука (bitch) and Блять (whore/slut) all day everyday, a form of tribute to their mothers
Arrogant, incompetent, underdeveloped xenophobic lowbrow losers with Oedipus complex that immediately assume everyone is either Russian or speaks Russian
They always want to be in the spotlights, no matter the outcome (lose/win), because of their Slavic inferiority complex
They think Russian is a "race" and proceed to call you racist if you don't accept their blight (try and explain to them that Russian is a nationality and watch how their pee brains slowly implode)
The most uncultured, uneducated, boorish, impolite, ignorant, vulgar, graceless sons of bitches ever encountered, even if asked in the most cordial way possible to speak English and/or to be a team player, they will laugh in your face and/or try to ruin your game
Oblivious to the fact that they're the laughing stock of any and all online communities and that they will never be taken seriously
They only form and play in Russian teams (that have the shortest lifespan ever because of their blatant idiocity) and because no one else wants to play with them, if present in multinational teams, they last even less than in Russian teams
Likely to commit seppuku after losing, so you can't troll them about it later
Probably not at home playing, usually in some crowded office with a bunch of other loners training for the next big competition
Hard to troll, or get any reaction, due to the fact they are kept in rooms and forced to train for competitions. Notice the "Please Kill Me" stare in their eyes!
