Call of Duty: Ghosts

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT YOUR DAD DIES, THE DOG GETS SHOT, RORKE WAS A GHOST, AND YOU GET KIDNAPPED BY RORKE, SEQUEL CONFIRMED!!!1

Collar Duty: Mocap Dogs is the latest FPS (First Penis Stare) from the fags who brought you another gazillion other games just like this one. Games in which bringing a knife into a gun fight is actually a viable tactic. Grenades have the power to fall down from your body upon death and explode, killing everything on the map, regardless of the distance. Infinity Whore returns once again to one-up Treyarch with their addition of super-realistic tactical gameplay and graphics to the franchise which Microsoft are hoping will actually sell a single Xbox One. Good luck faggots, nobody wants your shit. Oh yeah, there's also a dog and a fish A.I. too. Brilliant.

Reception

Even the regular COD players, which rank among the biggest retards imaginable, saw that this title was nothing but pure shit. The overwhelming reaction to this abortion of a game was a mix between tears, rage and fanboyism. "Professional" review sites, whom Infinity Ward gladly bribed, didn't review the game as high as the other titles in the franchise, so even bribery isn't doing much to hide how much this game sucks.

Public opinion is that the game is dogshit

PC Version

As of late, every game developer has adopted a certain policy to repay their loyal fans by indirectly and directly telling them to go fuck themselves. For some reason, the PC version was released with false system requirements and a fake error message. That sewed up huge loads of drama over night, because even computers that had the minimum system requirements, couldn't run the game. This game wants to devour your entire hard drive and fuck your mother while you watch.

Of course, people who breathe through their noses quickly realize what a bunch of horse shit this whole situation is. Some took it upon themselves to actually make the game work, something the game developer should have done in the first place. Someone made and released, via the internet, a modified .exe file that would bypass the game's faggorty. Ironically, this someone is none other than internet pirates, who had always intended to pirate the game. Real customers that actually bought the game were too afraid to use the custom .exe file for their multiplayer game to avoid getting falsely lynched by Valve's dumbass anti-cheat system. Thus, not only did Infinity Ward lie their ass off without scruples, they indirectly fucked their paying customers, while the ones that are actually stealing the game are doing quite well. Now the only remaining factor to do, to fully experience the game, is to stick a screwdriver down your pee hole and jiggle it around a little.

Update

A new update has dropped Ghosts' RAM requirement to 4GB and added some other things no one cares about, HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!1!!one!! A bit too late since everyone used the pirated .exe file to make their game work, and even a 4GB requirement is still jumping the shark. Oh, and also, who the fuck is still playing this game? Anyone?

Campaign

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT YOUR DADDY IS A "GHOST", THE DOG SURPRISINGLY DOESN'T DIE, AND RORKE SURVIVES AT THE END, THROWING YOU INTO A PIT WHERE HE TORTURES YOU TO BECOME A BAD GUY IN THE FUCKING OBVIOUS SEQUEL!!!1

Characters

Logan Walker: Faceless, meaningless, playable puppet.
David "Hesh" Walker: The puppet's older brother.
Elias Walker: The father of the two. Nonchalantly dies in a lame attempt to pull the player's heartstrings. As far as tearjerkers goes...it isn't effective.
Riley: Great doge, wow, such stealth, much appreciate!
Rourke: An oldfag friend of Elias who was brainwashed by the Federation. Survives a shot to the stomach with a .44 Magnum in the end.

Don't worry team, he got this!

Extinction

Shitty combo of Survival mode and a campaign that is very uninspired.

Maps

Point of Contact: Included in base game.
Nightfall: From Onslaught.
Mayday: A former Chinese battleship that gets screwed over in short order by stereotypical idiocy on the part of the scientists. Comes in Devastation DLC.
Awakening: The main Cryptid colony. Available in Invasion DLC.

Typical Extinction Players

You
Pot-headed Welfare Recipient
Splitscreen Squeaker
Splitscreen Squeaker

Typical Extinction Game

1: Spawn. 2: You place drill at hive. 3: Squeakers fuck up challenges. 4: Get raped by aliens.

Multiplayer

The oh so important feature of every Call of Duty game. Infinity Ward completely changed the perk system with multiple perks at once and an allotted number of tokens to spend on each. If you play on PS3 and Xbox 360, be prepared to encounter poorly paced gameplay (As expected since everyone always camps) and campers with IEDs.

Typical Online Match

Boo!

Your team

You.
AFK.
Split-screen fag.
Split-screen fag.
Knife monkey who can't stab for shit despite the increased melee range.
No 6th player because, well, you should know how terrible the match making is.

Enemy team

Remington R5 camper.
Lynx camper with an aimbot.
Honeybadger camper.
ARX-160 rusher with C4.
Silenced Remington R5 camper.
AK12 Camper.

For 6 years, the enemy team has beaten you blue. 6 fucking years.

How to play

Nextgen graphics right there!

Step 1: Select Honeybadger/AK12/R5.
Step 2: Select IED.
Step 3: Select Eavesdrop.
Step 4: ????
Step 5: PROFIT

Map Packs

Since IW realized the money they got off the horrid half assed game is dwindling due to the amount of Hentai they buy they now shit out horrid abominations called Map Packs for $15.00, the exact price the $60.00 game should be. Note: the Map packs names, when put in Acronym form, spell ODIN in reference to the rape machine that shot gigantic metal dildos at the US ingame.

Onslaught

4 new maps plus a weapon with sniper variants.

Fog: You can get Michael Myers from Halloween in a field orders crate. That is all.
Bayview: San Diego bay.
Containment: Detonate the nuke for lulz.
Ignition: Remake of Scrapyard from MW2. So you can bet you've played this map a shit ton.
Maverick: OP Assault Rifle to get people to buy the map pack.
Maverick-A2: Sniper rifle configuration of Maverick with a free Tracker Sight aka the Target Finder from Black Ops 2. So its design encourages more players to buy the DLC so Activision makes more money.

Devastation

Unearthed: Remake of Dome from MW3. Comes with 4 Aliens from extinction for your Field Order Reward.
Ruins: Outside a Volcano in Peru. Field Orders detonate the volcano and turn the map into Pompei.
Collision: A ship in Manhattan that collided with a bridge.
Behemoth: A giant excavator. Field Order is the Chopper Gunner Black Ops 1 Style. By that, you fire a minigun instead of a Lynx in the Helo Scout helicopter.
Mayday: Latest Extinction map. Fight on a ship in Antarctica and to over the top it all off, fight an Alien Squid.
Ripper: Switch from Iron Sight to Tracker sight gives you an AR or an SMG. Seasons pass users on Xbox got it March 1. Without question the most overpowered weapon in the game as of Devastation's launch.

Invasion

Favela: That's right, that one map from MW2 that caused controversy with the Muslim community over the Allah poster in a bathroom is back! Pay $15 to play something you've already played the shit out of!
Pharaoh: Ancient Egypt Palace. Comes with a Field Order reward that gives you every perk in the game for 4 lives.
Departed: Journey to Raul Menendez's home town, where a Field Order reward is a Death Mariachi, a typical Mexican Cowboy gunslinger with dual .44 Magnums.
Mutiny: YAR HAR FIDDLY DEE, YOU ARE A PIRATE!
Awakening: The aliens are controlled by Squidwards or the like, while that one annoying ex-SAS guy gets killed when the colony drops on him.

Nemesis

The final DLC before Advanced Warfare comes out.

Goldrush: Get hit by mining carts and have the entire enemy team laugh at you.
Dynasty: For some reason takes place in Ancient China. Its field order reward is the Harrier killstreak from Modern Warfare 2.
Subzero: A map set in Justin Bieber's hometown. Its field order is a blizzard where a ghost penetrates enemies with its invisible cock of doom.
Showtime: Yep, the infamous 1v1 map Shipment is back, and upgraded. It now has a larger map size, and the field order gives people random bonuses, like Sentry guns that pop out from crates and crates that shit care packages.
Exodus: The final Extinction map. Get to da shuttle while defending yourself from enemy Squidwards!

Perks

Hey, at least there is no more deathstreaks!

Speed

Quickdraw: Aim down sights faster. Now Quickscopers can rejoice.
Sleight of Hand: Reload faster. Hey, this is the speed category now.
Agility: Move faster, similar to Lightweight.
Marathon: Sprint longer. At least it wasn't like in BO1 or MW2 with unlimited sprint, just longer sprint.
Stalker: Move faster while aiming. Great for dealing with quickscopers.

Handling

TECHNOLOGY!

Strong-Arm: Throw equipment farther. Good if you use C4. Shit with all else.
On the Go: An actually useful perk. Reload while sprinting!
Reflex: Swap weapons faster.
Steady Aim: Good for shotgunners to decrease their spread and 1 hit you across the map.
Dexterity: Same as in BO2, ready your weapon faster after sprinting.

Stealth

Oh wait...

Takedown: Kill a player and no skull shows up on the map.
Blind Eye: Hide from AI enemy pointstreaks.
Off the Grid: Hide from enemy SAT-Coms (New UAV equivalent).
Dead silence: Oh you'll never guess what this does.
Incog: Hide from enemy targeting systems.

Awareness

Recon: Paint enemies on the map from explosive damage. Great for all the noobs or explosive players.
Scavenger: Pick up ammo from killed enemies. Why the hell don't you do that in the first place?
SitRep: Detect enemy explosives.
Eavesdrop: Hear enemy footsteps from across the map. In MW2 this was an absolute bitch.
Wiretap: Convert enemy SAT-Coms to benefit your team. Might actually be the most OP perk since SAT-Coms stack to Advanced UAVs if enough get called in.

Resistance

Lightweight: Simply no fall damage. Useless since if you ever fall, it's into death barriers which ignore Lightweight.
Painkiller: Faster health regeneration. Nice perk balancing.
Tac Resist: The effects of flashbangs are mitigated.
Focus: Reduces sway while aiming down sights and stops flinching. Useless since the shotgunners and quickscopers kill you in 1 shot.
Blast Shield: You WILL need this, since everyone will be using Danger Close.

Equipment

Extra Tac: Get another Tactical Equipment item.
Extra Lethal: Now you get 2 times the 'nades!
Fully Loaded: Like Bandolier from CoD4, you start with more ammo. Now Scavenger is less dependable on.
Extra Attachment: If you still want more attachments for your Honeybadger, use this.
Danger Close: IW, you did the 1 thing that ruins the game; you add in an explosive damage increasing perk. Let's hope Blast shield isn't garbage and will actually counter Danger Close.

Elite

Gambler: You get 2 random perks upon your first death. Wow.
Hardline: Killstreaks are easier to obtain!
Ping: When you pwn an enemy, a radar pops up around his body and shows you enemies in the body's radius.
Overkill: Get a second primary.
Deadeye: The player gets a higher chance of doing more damage upon getting a high streak. This is pure handholding.

Pointstreaks

Assault

Streak resets on death and you get to piss on the opposing team.

SAT-COM: UAV replacement. You get to place this radar on the ground and to destroy it the enemy needs to find it and rape it. The effects stack so that 4 SAT-COMS become an Advanced UAV.
IMS: Shoots claymores.
Guard Dog: 6 bullets annoy this thing. 1 bite kills you. Fun!
Sentry Gun: Same as always.
Trinity Missile: Fires 2 smaller missiles before firing a gigantic player controlled missile for rape.
Battle hind: God awful. Kills even less than the Attack Helicopter from MW2.
Vulture: CTRL+C CTRL+V of the MQ-27 Dragonfire from BO2.
Gryphon: A Vulture that shoots grenades.
Maniac: A player can run around in a ~50 lbs suit of armor and can outrun a player using the speed perks. Comes with a throwing knife and combat knife for the usual knife monkeys.
Juggernaut: Get a motherfucking minigun with your usual Juggeraut suit and move as fast as a slug.
Helo Pilot: Copied from Black Ops 1.
Loki: The ODIN satellite from Campaign. Combination of an AC-130/Reaper that cannot be shot down.
KEM Strike: A hidden killstreak. Awarded on 25 kills and acts like the MOAB from MW3. Also obtainable via field orders on the map Strikezone.

Field Orders

Pick up a glowing blue briefcase and complete your challenge. One challenge "Humiliate the next enemy you kill" rewards you for T-bagging the next enemy you kill. You can be rewarded with a random Assault pointstreak or a map exclusive device.

Support

Builds up points collected to earn streaks to support your team. But we all know you play for yourself.

SAT-COM: look at the first streak in assualt.
Ammo Crate: That shitty care package drop nobody wanted is now an exclusive crate. Seriously.
Ballistic Vests: Let's get it because it's like Juggernaut!
Night Owl: Portable Trophy system and Motion sensor. Perfect for camping.
MAAWS: Typical free fire rocket launcher.
Support Squadmate: An AI riot shield guy who protects you.
Ground Jammer: EMP replacement.
Air Superiority: Destroy all enemy killstreaks.
Helo Sniper: A sniper exclusive!
Oracle: See through walls. Useless with the aimbotting enemies.
Juggernaut Recon: Lazy return from MW3.
Odin: Drop care packages and an AI Juggernaut Recon for your team.

Specialist

Every 2 or 3 kills you get an additional perk as chosen by you. After 7-10 kills depending on your 3rd perk you get another set of perks at 8 points as your bonus.

Weapons

Assault Rifles

APS: Underwater Assault Rifle, only usable in the Campaign.
SC-2010: Stupid FN FAL ripoff, although this gun is automatic.
SA-805: Stupid ACR ripoff that doesn't even compete with how good the ACR was.
ARX-160: Stupid Peacekeeper ripoff Italian firearm. Has slight wear on it from being dropped and has never been fired.
AK-12: Most recent AK rifle variant out there. Frequently used by those jacked up on coke.
FAD: The return of the high rof Perufag gun.
MSBS: The M16A4 has finally been replaced by this new Shotgun at all range burst firing piece of shit. Originally was the most OP weapon in the game until it got nerfed.
Remington R5: Pretty much the ACR v2 of CoD Ghosts, it basically fills the role of the long range rifle because of its low recoil and high power. Every CoD game needs one I guess. Fun fact: it's a Remington Rifle like the ACR 6.8 from MW3. So, it figures it has no recoil.
Honey Badger: Infinity Ward finally got rid of the M4A1, only to replace it with an AR-15 variant with an integral silencer. Right off the bat, it becomes the weapon for camping, even though an airsoft gun would be more powerful.
Maverick: Fake as shit assault rifle with wood furniture for the faggots who decided to spend more than $60 on this fucking game..

SMGs

Bizon: A copy n paste of the PP90M1 from MW3.
Vector CBR: It's actually got a damage upgrade befitting its .45 ACP round. Good god.
CBJ-MS: Another Jew-zi variant. CoD standard.
Vepr: A bullpup MG like the Chicom from BO2. Shoots the same round as the AK-12 and has a longer barrel, but for some reason is an SMG.
K7: Like the Honeybadger, this MP5SD knock off has an integrated silencer. Available fresh out of the oven for camping.
MTAR-X: The Magnificent Tiny Arab nation Rapist Xtra small. The retarded SMG variant of the Tar-21 from MW2 which sucks even more.
Ripper: Another fictional gun that can transform between a high rate of fire shitstick SMG and a long range heavy hitter assault rifle. Easily the most overpowered gun in the game.

Light Machineguns

Ameli: The modern day variant of the pwnage master that was the MG42, too bad it doesn't beat the other LMG's.
M27 IAR: The M27 from BO2, now has it's correct barrel length, saddle drum magazine and proper squad usage.
LSAT: 100 rounds and fuck all recoil. This thing is made of hacks.
Chain SAW: It's the StonerBoner 63 from Black Ops modified to be held like a Chain saw. Can't aim down the sight and comes with a free laser attachment for long distance shooting. Really, IW?

Sniper rifles

L115: Another AWP variant. Great for all the quickscoping obsessed douchebags.
USR: The Universally Shitty Rifle.
Lynx: Barrett .50 cal replacement and as a result, fucking demolishes at long range while dislocating your shoulder at the same time. Also the helisniper rifle.
VKS: Basically the M21 sniper from MW2. Has an integrated silencer to be 1337.
Maverick A2: Along with the Lynx, it's basically the only true sniper rifle in the game despite being nothing but a Maverick with a long barrel and a built in Target Finder scope.

Marksman rifles

So IW separated all semi-auto rifles into this category. Can't snipe? No problem, use these.

IA-2: Shit iron sights.
MR-28: Great to spam shots as it has the highest fire cap rate in its class.
MK-14 EBR: IW learns fast, don't they? This thing is probably one of the few things any armed forces here use IRL.
SVU: The return of the retarded WA2000/SVD hybrid.

Shotguns

MTS-255: An unholy revolver-carbine-shotgun combination. Designed IRL by idiots who didn't have the foresight to know it would burn the shit out of your supporting hand.
Bulldog: The token semiautomatic shotgun.
FP6: Typical pump action shotgun.
TAC-12: Basically a reskinned KSG.

Handguns

If launchers are secondaries, these things are useless.

P226: The usual mid capacity mid damage shit.
MP-443 Grach: Another battlefield weapon.
.44 Magnum: This thing, despite working double action, shoots only in single action. I guess we won't be seeing spam shots that would snap the Terminator's wrists now. Hooray! Using Extra Attachment allows you to equip both an ACOG scope and Dual Wield despite the combo being functionally pointless. The infamous "Clueless" challenge awards you for being stupid in this manner 200 times.
M9A1: An updated M9 Beretta from MW2. Oh shit. Has a rail added to the top of the slide, even though you can't attach optics to pistols other than the .44 Magnum in this game. Uber tacticool.
PDW: It's a 3 round burst machine pistol.
Golden PDW: It's a fully automatic machine pistol with a 20 round magazine and Gold Plating. Is awarded to players once they reach 10th Prestige.

Launchers

The perk Danger Close returns, so expect to see these awful things be used again.

MK32: The War machine, now a usable weapon. Dear lord.
Panzerfaust: A WW2 weapon that was modernized. Need I say more?
Kastet: It's a standalone Grenade launcher fitted with a stock and iron sights.

Lethal equipment

C4: You can now destroy the environment with this. Sound familiar?
Canister bomb: Exactly that. A bomb in a canister.
Semtex: Renders Frag Grenades obsolete.
IED: Improvised Explosive Device. The Westboro Baptist Church thanks God when you use them. Used by assholes, just like IRL. The most overpowered lethal in the game. It's impossible not to get killed by 1 during a match any time.
Throwing Knife: Used by 9-year-olds who get kills with this out of pure luck to upload on Youtube with the title HOLY SHIT BEST KNIFE KILL EVAR!!!1!!ONE!111!
Frag Grenade: More like Fag grenade amirite? Completely beat by the Semtex in every way except for that stupid cooking ability nobody uses.

Tactical equipment

9-bang: Hold down the tactical grenade button to create a makeshift EMP grenade!
Concussion grenade: Same as always, slows down enemies without Tac Resist.
Motion sensor: The camper's equipment from BO1 and the portable radar from MW3.
Smoke Grenade: Just use the Thermal Sight.
Thermo Grenade: Weakens armor.
Trophy System: Destroy enemy equipment and predator missiles.

Other shit

Riot Shield: Not even a weapon. Bash enemies from the front, but you'll most likely get shot to shit and die trying to use it. Now takes attachments like radar, titanium frame for faster melee attacks and radar scrambler.
Combat Knife: IW souped up the melee range of the knife big time. Swap out your primary to instantly get this knife. This is what god himself would use to shank somebody. Now comes with a special animation to show how it's a 1 hit kill from the front by stabbing the fag in the throat.
Golden Combat Knife: The June 3 2014 Update gave any players Prestige 5 and up access to a gold plated knife. Really, IW?
Red dot sight: When your sights look like a Vagina mixed with glowstick juice or mustard, just use this to fix it.
Silencer: Why use this and waste an attachment when you can use the Honeybadger or K7 with their integral suppressors?
Grenade launcher: Used by assholes like always. Can now be instantly fired by pressing the grenade button. Now just like in CoD4 it replaces your lethal slot.
Underbarrel Shotgun: A bulldog glued beneath the barrel. Takes up the lethal slot and is great to spam shots with!
Tactical Knife: The fucking Combat Knife held in the pistol's offhand. Better than the default melee attack since it doesn't force you to stand still with a shitty animation and get you killed.
Armor Piercing Rounds: Destroy vehicles, Ballistic Vest wearers and the 3 types of juggernauts.
Extended mags: Or Extended Chodes. Increases mag size by 50%.
Foregrip: Just use the MR-28 with its built in grip.
Akimbo: Pretend you're in a cool 80s action flick. Use on .44 Magnum with ACOG scope for lulz.
ACOG scope: Most often seen with .44 magnum and Akimbo for a stupid challenge.

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