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Karl Rove
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Warning! Moby Dick has left the building |
Karl Rove (also known as Moby Dick (to the Democrats), Turd Blossom (to W) and MC Rove (to the black community), is the undisputed, heavyweight champion of political assassinations. If you asked most people the question, "Who was the 43rd president?", they will most likely tell you that George W. Bush was. This is, in fact, pure bullshit, as Bush was merely a mindless puppet summoned by Karl Rove using Satanic rituals. Rove himself was the mastermind behind the machine that was the Bush Administration, and all of their malevolent affairs. MC Rove is best known for pretending to love golf, and caring about the needs of the American public. IRL, Rove tends to resemble Emperor Palpatine.
Origins
Along with other now disgraced loyal Bushies such as Attorney-General Secret Squirrel, White House counsel Harriett Miers, and press secretary Scott McClellan, Rove was one of the infamous Texas Mafia, the driving force behind the makeover of George W. Bush from a drug addled, drunken, draft-dodging Yale cheerleader who had totally failed it in the private sector, into the Governor and Chief Executioner of Texas.
From there, Rove set his sights on the White House and the presidency of the United States using skills he had learned as a small boy obsessed with ventriloquism and puppetry.
The Texas Mafia
- Karl Rove, senior White House adviser (August 2007)
- Alberto Gonzales Attorney-General (August 2007)
- Dan Bartlett White House communications director (June 2007)
- Harriett Miers, White House counsel (January 2007)
- Mark McClellan Medicare administrator (September 2006)
- Scott McClellan (brother of Mark) press secretary (April 2006)
- Pat Wood Federal Energy Regulatory Commission chairman (April 2005)
- Rod Paige, Education Secretary (November 2004)
- Don Evans Commerce Secretary (November 2004)
Rove's Takeover of America
In the mid 90s, Rove decided to take control of the American government. Not being particularly friendly, even in his human disguise as a balding white man, he used his knowledge of the dark arts to create a puppet of low intelligence, which he disguised as George W. Bush, Jr., and further rituals convinced Bush Sr. and the public that there had always been a Bush Jr.. From there, it was simply a matter of fixing the election, which was a piece of cake for Rove. Once in control, he began to implement policies both foreign and domestic according to his whims. So far, he has led America into attacks on two foreign countries, causing only eternal unrest in both of them, turning the locals into flag-burning, suicidal towel-heads. One can only hope that Karl Rove will be satisfied with 8 years of rampaging and not try for 8 more with another puppet.
Defeating Karl Rove
Some argue that Karl Rove is untouchable since he does not officially hold a government position and claims that as an "immediate adviser to the president" can't be ordered to testify or appear before Senate Committees that want presidential dirty deeds investigated.
He constantly hides behind the shield of "executive privilege" which is the power claimed by the president and the executive branch to avoid such things as search warrants and subpoenas by the Senate or Congress. (Funny story: 'executive privilege' is not mentioned in the Constitution).
Pwned
On November 7th, 2006, Karl was officially pwned when his much (self) vaunted political acumen handed control of the US Senate and House to the Democrats for the first time since 1994.
Nevertheless, Karl still had enough acumen left to know a sinking ship when he sees one and so in August 2007 he donned his rat fursuit and deserted the administration before it's totally sunk. In a statement prepared for the media he said:
—Karl Rove | ||
President Bush responded with a speech of his own:
—W | ||
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Private Life
Apart from puppetry and ventriloquism, Karl Rove is an aficionado of the Rap 'sciences' and dabbles in freestyle rapping, breakdancing and cutting it up on the 1 & 2s whenever he is afforded the opportunity. When he gets the chance to "buss a rhyme" he assumes the identity of MC Rove (aka DJ Turd Blossom).
Trivia
- Karl Rove learned his dirty tricks under the tutorship of Republican slash-and-burn master Donald Segretti.
- Karl Rove was awarded the Purple Heart for losing an arm fighting Charlie in Danang in the spring of '72
- Karl Rove's father had a pierced cock. 1 2
- Karl Rove has created adds against every Democractic candidate and cause under an umbrella corporation American Crossroads GPS.
