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Freewinds
Freewinds, also known as Failwinds and as The Cruise Ship is the Cult of Scientology's old Baltic car ferry huge-ass luxury ocean liner. They keep it on the Dutch Caribbean island of Curaçao because due to its enormous number of safety violations, it is not permitted in any United States port. Scientology members who have paid huge sums over the years for advanced levels of brainwashing and meaningless faggotry pay another huge sum to cruise on the Freewinds and reach the glory of OT VIII, Scientology's highest level. Don't worry, if you get there they will invent OT IX. Many other Scilons take family Caribbean cruises on the Freewinds, all tax deductible.
But why?
Why does Scientology need an ocean liner? Because Ron had a fantasy that he was a ship captain, since he was one briefly in World War II (before they kicked him out for crashing into another boat). This is why Scientology's inner circle of faggotissimo is called the Sea Org, why they wear sailor suits on special occasions, and why everything tends to have a nautical flavor. It's also great for dumping bodies, since you can get away with a lot in international waters (forced labor, forced abortions, rampant child abuse and total disregard of work place safety and basic health regulations such as removal of asbestos).
Ominousness
When Scientology bought the ship in 1987 (after drowning the dude who wouldn't sell it to them), an architect named Lawrence Woodcraft was designing some of the interior spaces. He noticed that there was lots and lots of blue asbestos in the ventilation system and other areas. It had been put there by the shipbuilders in Finland, because Finns are basically trolls and it seemed like a cool thing to do. Woodcraft alerted some of the top Scilons in charge that this could be a very serious problem: blue asbestos is the worst kind of asbestos, and people exposed to it often come down with lung cancer, though it could be years later. The big shots told him to STFU. Hubbard had never mentioned the word asbestos in any of his sacred talks or writings. Therefore, there was nothing to fear. Blue asbestos is perfectly safe. Just to prove it, one of the Sea Org goons working on the project grabbed a chunk of asbestos and bit a piece off.
Records
Some years later in 2001, when Woodcraft had snapped out of it and was no longer a Scilon, he made a legal statement about the asbestos he had seen, just so that it would be "on the record." Scientology paid no attention and took no action.
The future is now
Fast-forward to 2008. Thousands of Scientologists have taken the failboat on a joyride. Tom Cruise had his first sexual encounter aboard ship, and he had a special birthday party there every year as well. Freewinds is based in Curaçao, and sometimes a really lousy and unsuccessful jazz band called the Jive Aces (all Scilons) would perform in the ship's lounge for Curaçao's hipsters. One day in late April, the ship was receiving some routine maintenance from local dockworkers. They noticed a metric fuck-tonne of blue asbestos dust wafting through the ship's ventilation system. These heroic Dutchmen shut the ship down and quarantined it.
This happened only after Freewinds had dumped a shitload of waste water into Bonaire island's sewage pit. Why all the waste water? Because the ship is cleaned continuously to prevent thetan buildup.
Pwnt
A ship contaminated with blue asbestos in these quantities is not easy to deal with. One does not simply hire some local negroes with mops and brooms to take care of it. No, it would cost tens of millions of dollars to clean it up—more than the ship is actually worth. The usual solution in these case is to scuttle the ship in deep water where the asbestos can't bother anyone.
When questioned about Scientology's many plans for the ship during May and June 2008, beginning May 8, a Scientology spokeswoman insisted that everything would proceed as planned.
The Cancer that is Killing Scientology
Many ex-Scilons have noted that a lot of the Sea Org faggots had died of lung cancer. Hopefully this ship will claim the lives of many moar Scilons for the lulz.
Decks and facilities
As Bohème
Only including spaces accessible to passengers.
- D deck - Gymnasium, cinema
- C deck (Caribbean deck) - Outside and inside cabins
- B deck (Bahamas deck) - Hospital, inside and outside cabins
- A deck (Antilles deck)- Purser's office, inside and outside cabins
- Main deck - Puccini and Paris dining rooms, casino, shops, Le Club Mimi bar, beauty shop, Rodolfo lounge, card room, reading room
- Promanade deck - Marcello lounge/discothèque, game room, deluxe cabins, Café des Artistes, lido deck, swimming pool
- Bridge deck - Bridge
- Sun deck - sundeck
As Freewinds
Since it was rebuilt we do know that under Miscavige's orders the dining room was moved to the Promanade Deck above the kitchen, where food is now delivered updeck by elevators, even though that does not make functional sense.
- D Deck could be the location of further Auditing Facilities as this is the only place OT VIII is taught as it is so powerful it can only be taught on sea away from the enturblation of the wog world. Cinema could still be intact for the use of marathon showings of Dianetics Videos and John Travolta's Battlefield Earth.
- C Deck is the Cruise Deck, there Tom Cruise has his own personal quarters for rampant hot gay sex.
- Chain Locker - A small hot room in the bow for storage of the anchor chains. Used by the RPF for punishing children by imprisoning them for days on end.
- Sun deck - Location of the Pool (permanently closed due to AIDS)
See also
External links
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Freewinds is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
