PLZ ADVZ

ED's very own advice column with none other than Dr. Hepa Yaga, Ph.D. in Lolchiatry, a graduate of Bantown K-12, and the author of many critically acclaimed books such as My Life as a Tubgirl, Furries: Into the Wild, Goatse: Or How I Met the Man I Love, and the current NY Times best seller Eel Girl 2: Electric Boogaloo.

January

01.25.07

Dear Hep:

I irl trolled by inviting trannies to my local karaoke bar (cause I got B& from singing one night). Since the trannies started coming in, the karaoke chick packed up her shit and quit, leaving everyone without karaoke. Was this going too far, or was it lol? Is this type of IRL-trolling widely approved of in the troll community, and if not, why?

PLZ ADVZ,

-Tranny Shepherd

Tranny Shepard:

It sounds like you are experiencing a bout of Troll's Remorse which is a highly acute syndrome that afflicts the Troll Community. The existence and validity of Troll's Remorse is hotly debated, putting it along side such other prestigious controversial and possibly imaginary diseases as Homosexuality, Asperger's Syndrome, Christianity and G.R.I.D.S. The correct method of treatment for Troll's Remorse is available on the article, but a little known home-remedy that I like to use is to listen to "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses while viewing the pain series. This is a proven technique to harden you to even the most heartrending episodes of Troll's Remorse.

Now as to your Trannie Terror Technique, this is a wellknown and indeed highly successful method of Total Pwnage, the most well known case of use being the Infamous transvestite gang which terrorized Downtown New Orleans some months back. Little known fact, this troll was actually initiated by Jews who were upset that New Orleans did not give them credit for their Katrina troll.

BTW karaoke is gay and only worthwhile to ad lib offensive lyrics to Bel-Air so unless you got the Banhammer for similar lulzy actions, ur a total fgt.

love, hep

February

02.01.07

Dear Hep:

I am suffering from an affliction that I do not understand. I converted to Christianity, but I can't stop doing things for the lulz. Am I suffering from Internet Troll Personality Disorder, and if so, what can I do about it?

PLZ ADVZ, What Would Jesus Troll

WWJT:

Many would be trolls suffer under the mistaken belief that Religion and the I Did It For The Lolz Philosophy are conflicting beliefs. Nothing could be further from the truth! Trolling and Religion have gone hand in hand as far back as existing records show. For a look at one of the greatest troll primers written, pick up the nearest Bible. In Genesis, the first chapter of the Old Testament, God performs one of the first recorded acts of Baiting by putting the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Evil and making those apples so tasty and shiny. Little known fact: God actually made all of the other fruits growing in the Garden taste like excrement. In Genesis 22 God trolls Abraham into sacrificing his beloved son Isaac, calling it off at the last minute:

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.
11 And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, 
Abraham: and he said, Here am I.
12 And the angel of the LORD said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do 
thou any thing unto him: for the lols was this act done, thou must lol with God.
Trolled thou have been, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son 
from me. 

And that's just in one lulzy book! Other notable trolls in the Old Testament include "Incest is Best" and "Job vs. The Devil: Where is Your God Now?" There is an entire book of Goth Poetry as well, a subtle troll which many religious scholars attribute to Eris. Moving into the New Testament we have Jesus, who was one of the greatest trolls who ever lived. From turning water into wine to spice up a boring wedding, to his lifelong troll campaign against the Pharisees, Jesus is widely known to have been the top troll of his time, actually voted Time's Troll of the Year in 33AD when his crucification successfully trolled the Entire Jewish Race. After rising from the dead, Jesus was quoted as saying "LOL! JK!". Also of note is the secret papal order that he passed on to Peter shortly before his ascension, to always have Bibles printed on thin paper that is easy to roll. This order has been handed down from pope to pope via a secret papal assistant known as the Papal Paper Pusher, over the ages. Jesus LOVED the Chronic.

Church history is just one account of troll vs troll after another, starting with rephrasing Jesus' teachings to troll the general population (see: the Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, Abortion). However most relevant to your current dilemma, is the fact that Jesus' greatest tenet of Christianity was perverted in a telephone-like game of multiple translations from "Do unto others, as you would bring forth moar lulz". This need to troll that you are feeling is not an affliction, but Jesus showing you the true way to heaven, he who gains the most lolz, wins.

love, hep

02.08.07

Dear Hep,

I am suffering from a chronic bout of "Unfunny". Sure I struck lulz on the Pillow Angel article, but ever since I feel that I can only sit around and masturbate to Untitled.jpg. Is there any home remedy for unfunny, or am I doomed to a life of American Dad?

PLZ ADVZ, Lost the Lolz

Dear LTL:

"Post Trollmatic Stress Disorder" is another common disorder that afflicts members of the troll community, usually directly after a Legendary Troll. PTSD occurs because of the relationship between the emotional investment of a troll combined with having once attained Legendary Ruin Status. The troll puts an incredible subconscious pressure on him or herself for each subsequent troll attempt. PTSD manifests in a number of different ways, from overzealous attempts to start trolling, attempts to troll other troll organizations (see: Chan, Bantown, GNAA), or complete apathy towards any new trolling targets offered. Symptoms of PTSD can include the following: nightmares about lack of troll targets, flashbacks to previous trolls (riding on your past ruins), emotional detachment or numbing of feelings (not to be confused with Chronic Troll Syndrome), insomnia (usually due to being unable to stop hitting CNTL R on ED hoping for new lolz), avoidance of troll community and extreme distress when exposed to the other trolls ("triggerz"), irritability, creating Wikipedia useraccounts hypervigilance to Recent Changes, memory loss, excessive startle response, clinical depression and/or anxiety about lack of lolz.

Often sufferers of PTSD are told by well-meaning (but self-licensed) E-Psychiatrists to jump right back into trolling, that this will cure them of the disorder. However, this common mistake usually serves to only further reinforce the psychological block; as each new troll attempt either fails outright, or does not garner the same level of troll prestige as the original Legendary Ruin, the patient becomes more emotionally disordered.

Lulz cannot be forced. For most people, the emotional effects of PTSD will tend to subside after several weeks. I recommend relaxing for a few weeks and perusing other ongoing troll targets, without intent to participate. By not subconsciously forcing yourself into the role of Troll Ringleader, you open the door to acceptance that not every troll that you spearhead or participate in will be Legendary. If you don't force yourself, eventually the urge to jump in and commentbomb some unsuspecting YouTuber will overwhelm and you are back in action. Make sure that you have proper atmosphere, set your desktop background to Harlequin_Ichthyosis_Fetus and be sure to surround yourself with the proper music. I am very fond of "Buck That Devil" by Da Lench Mob to provide the right environment for trolling. Be sure to also make the appropriate sacrifices to Trolldin regularly that He may grant you the mead of trollspiration. Don't end up a one hit troll wonder like RFJason. Go out in a blaze of glory, not a fade to obscurity.

love, hep

02.15.07

Dear Hep,

I recently began trolling a forumz, and - because of my refined IRL trolling skills and leet coding experience - within a few hours, i was offered adminship if i stopped harrassing them. While this looks like promising lulz, i have the feeling i may be getting set up the bomb. Should I pretend to take the deal and agree with the terms (and thus provide ED a backdoor entrance to the ruin, or should i stick to my guns and be an incorruptible ruiner of teh internets?

PLZ ADVZ, Two-Faced In Trenton

Dear T-FIT,

Offering adminship, or other such PowerLevels is a commonly used gambit to attempt to neutralize a Troll, much in the same manner that a wolf pack will roll over and show their bellies to the wolf who defeats the Alpha Male. How you choose to play their supplication depends on what Troll Class you have rolled. If you are a Troll Rogue with a high Charisma score, you will be perfectly fine using your Disguise class skill. Rogue Trolls are also essential for their Trapfinding and Disable Trap class features. However if you are a Troll Warrior, you have plenty of attack skills such as Infinate Deflection and Dire Charge, but lack the ability and patience for subtly and misdirection. I myself am an Epic Troll Paladin, and thusly am barred from lying about my e-dentity. I prefer to charge in under the banner of Trolldin and spread about the chaotic good of the Trollianity. Play to your Troll Class strengths, but remember that all roads lead to lulz. And if it all goes to mudkipz, roll your saving throw.

love, hep

2.19.2007

Dear Dr. Yaga,

As a sysop of a popular and lulzy wiki, it is my duty to maintain the order and keep n00bs in line. However, it feels like something is missing in my duties, as my fellow sysops have received far more hatred directed at them in a short time than I have had in my career on the wiki. Am I doing something wrong? How should I go about being more popular with the public?

PLZ ADVZ, Not Enuff H8

Dear NEH8,

Last week (or the week before rather thx to our shiny new update schedule) I talked about a couple of the more high profile Troll Classes. The melee classes tend to gain greater short term notoriety and are thus mistakenly considered more formidable troll opponents. However the other classes are should not be underestimated, although their damage can take longer to stack. Troll Priests act as drama documentarists and archivers, which is vital to any real trolling. What is an unremembered troll? nothing. In this day and age of Internet Imperminence such archives of past trolls should be celebrated just as highly as the Troll Legends who led the troll itself. Our valient ED sysops fight off mass-vandelism and wiki-terrorist attacks on a daily basis. Let us take a moment to appreciate our Troll Priests and to pour a 40oz for our fallen homies

In order to achieve greater troll status, make yourself an inviting target. Bait popular internet icons into flamewars. Always remember to keep your flamebacks precise, brief, logical, and above all brief. Remember that taking a paragraph to say something is way less effective than a single sentence. And also remember that sometimes building up a h8club takes time. You may have just so far not found the right vehicle to trollh8. Every troll has their own style, sometimes it just takes awhile to find what yours is.

love, hep

Final Entry

Meow Dr. H. Kitten...

I rilly dunno...all teh things that used to made me Happycat befoar is dead to meow neow. String...teh furry snake...ball-eeez...sniffle tiems...Sly and the Family Stone songs... ...nathan. purry face. Whar is mah happy gone? Plx halp?

PLZ ADVZ, Unhappy of Catatonia

Dear Unhappycat,

Eventually, Dr. Hep'll get around to answering your question. In the meantime, kill yourself lol

love, Blu Aardvark