Neil Breen

Scorsese, Kubrick, Spielberg—these names all conjure up images of original, breathtaking cinema. However, we are blessed to live in a time where all those names will be but a pale shadow in comparison to a visionary newcomer. A man whose name will soon stand with such silver screen giants as Coleman Francis and Harold P. Warren. We, of course, speak of none other than Neil Breen.

Neil Breen is nothing short of an angel sent from heaven. And we mean that quite literally, because if you watch his movies he often stars as an alien or Jesus or Alien Jesus (yes, srsly). Breen has some sort of narcissistic obsession with depicting himself (as he is always the main star of his own movies) as a supernatural force of moral righteousness who descends upon earth to teach we mere mortals the error of our ways. Even when playing a human he will have incredible skillz, such as being a super-h4x0r, and will still eventually gain some sort of magic power during the course of the film.

His films basically combine the technical mastery, story structure, and emotional depth of Derek Savage and James Nguyen, only with massive amounts of unwarranted self-importance which rival that of Tommy Wiseau added to the mix.

Neil Breen: The Man

Breen is, by trade, a licensed architect in Las Vegas, Nevada according to a pair of interviews he gave in 2014 [1] [2], and uses the income he earns from that to finance his movies. This actually makes perfect sense given that just as architects put pieces of wood together to make wooden structures and people throw their money away on bullshit in Las Vegas, so too does Breen put wooden actors together to make wooden movies and throws all his money away doing so. However, a phone call to the Nevada State Board of Architecture, Interior Design and Residential Design in 2016 reveals that they have no record of a Neil Breen being licensed in Nevada, and although he was once a licensed architect in California, that license expired in 2011. It is, therefore, unclear what he actually does for money (maybe he made a killing at the blackjack table), but whatever it is, it certainly doesn't appear to be a "licensed" architect.

So much the better for us, though, as this leaves him more time to follow his true calling: making movies about himself in which he's a super alien Jesus h4x0r Navy SEAL messiah fighter pilot dinosaur sniper ninja who has come to save mankind from its immorality through his powers of taking off his shirt constantly and cheap fade effects.

Neil Breen: The Movies

While Breen's Facebook claims that his movies were once shown in theaters, we're guessing that unless you were one of Breen's friends you probably missed them. So, if you're interested in purchasing them, they are currently only available on his website, which is about as indecipherable as the PC LOAD LETTER error. If you want to purchase Fateful Findings you just click and buy it. However, if you want to purchase any of his other movies, you have to click to buy Fateful Findings and then in the PayPal notes type the name of the actual movie you wish to buy. And, to make matters worse, it says this NOWHERE on the actual website. The only way you can find this out is to go to his Facebook and scroll down to a December 7, 2015 post where he gives poorly formatted instructions on how to do this. The Irate Gamer may suck, but at least you can fucking figure out how to buy stuff off his shitty website. Adam Johnston from YourMovieSucks reports that his DVDs didn't even arrive in actual DVD cases, but rather cracked CD jewel cases (but hey, at least they were personally autographed by Neil Breen).

Double Down (2005)

	“	Badass ex-secret agent turned unstoppable mercenary Aaron Brand is sent by a foreign government to shut down the Las Vegas strip for two months because reasons!	„

Double Down opens with a minute long "credits" sequence in which we fly over clouds. The only information given during this sequence is the movie's title, Neil Breen's name (as actor, with no other actors mention), and then "Directed, Produced, and Written by Neil Breen." The weird part is that there is a huge gap between his name the first time and his name the second time, in which other actor's names could have appeared, but that would have taken Breen another five minutes of his time on Windows Movie Maker. We then cut to the desert where our hero, Aaron Brand (Breen), is hiding under some rocks and telling us (via voiceover) about just how awesome he is. And that's pretty much the entire movie: 1 hour and 45 minutes of Breen telling us how badass he is. The words "narcissistic" and "vanity project" don't even begin to describe it. The movie is intercut with much obvious stock footage and lengthy pointless driving scenes which really evoke the spirit of Manos: The Hands of Fate, but I'm just going to list all of the skillz Breen (as Aaron Brand) tells us he possesses (through movie-long voiceovers) since that's basically the whole plot:

He was the first in his class in computer science in college.
He then joined the military and became a fighter pilot (and also won an assload of medals).
He joined the (I'm quoting this exactly) "Secret Strategic Support Branch of the Defense Intelligence Agency" and became the "best agent they ever had" at fighting terrorism.
He developed a way to control any computer or satellite the government had.
He donates all the money he makes as a mercenary to children's charities, hospitals, schools and also supports the evacuees of hurricanes "like Katrina" AND assures us that he uses the money more wisely than any government (which he further informs us are all corrupt).
He has "bio-medical electrical implants" to assist him in whatever the fuck he's going to do (which were implanted in him via stock footage of a hospital).
He kills white-collared criminals that go unpunished like some libtard version of Dexter.
Not only can he hack into any government system but he actually invented half the systems.
Governments don't try to kill him because he's planted "biological-bombs" in seven major cities around the world that will detonate if he doesn't upload a code to a satellite every three days (sure hope he doesn't get in a car accident, or something).
He has invented an "invisible shield device using satellite lasers" that turn him invisible but causes instant death to anyone else who touches the shield.
He is a master of "bio-terror" and is an expert in the development of biological weapons (although it's odd that he never mentioned being trained in biochemistry, but it's probably easier to list what this guy is not an expert at).
He can start and end wars using his computer skills.
He talks only to world leaders directly and can do this whenever he wants.
He does all of this with five laptops, eight phones, and two DirecTV dishes (with the logo spray-painted out).
He gains magic brain tumor healing powers from either his dead parents or dead girlfriend (we're not sure).

The reason, by the way, he does all this is because the gub'ment became scared of his mad computerz skillz and so they killed his fiancée (let this be a lesson to set up your biological-bombs before the government kills your fiancée instead of after). Brand assures us all he wanted was to lead a simple life and endlessly tells us how alone he feels without his love. Oh, and he lives in his car and eats tuna out of a can which he spills all over himself. Eating and driving is apparently the one thing he has not yet mastered.

	“	LIGHTING................... NONE MAKE-UP AND HAIR.. NONE	„
	—Actual end credits (srs)

Double Down (2005)

I Am Here....Now (2009)

	“	Alien Jesus comes to earth via comet or something to teach we humans that renewable energy is good pushing over dudes in wheelchairs is bad!	„

"Written, Produced, and Directed by Neil Breen." Hold these words close to your hearts, because you'll be seeing it a lot. We open in (what I assume) is the Nevada desert...again. We see a snow-globe but Charles Foster Kane isn't smashing it. We see the shadow of a cross, but it's not Jesus: it's the better than Jesus. It's Neil Breen with like, computer chips in his wrists and chest, plus he's like a goblin or ogre...or something (watch it, you decide).

Anyhoo, Neil tells a prop skull that he's disappointed in humans (I guess he visited the internets) and then he holds up the prop skull and does his best Hamlet "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio" speech before we see some doll heads on the desert ground (literally no review site we've visited can explain those) and we move onto this chapter's joke of a plot.

So, Jesus Alien comes to earth, steals some drunk Republican's clothes like a discount Terminator, and sets upon his mission of boring the viewer to death. After more Manos-esque driving sequences we wind up in Las Vegas where several minutes of total silence until we hear some hippie environmentalist women talking about how great sustainable energy is.

If any of you were ever curious about how corrupt politicians do their corrupt politician stuff, Neil Breen gets us an insider look at this. Basically, corrupt politicians spell out every last detail of their corruption in car...a car of corruption! And we do mean exacting detail, as in they spend around two minutes just talking about how corrupt they are. These cocky crooks tell us that only "a power greater than ours" can stop them. Unbeknownst to them, the greatest power of all time has come to stop them: Neil Breen.

“	Corrupt corporations, criminals on Wall Street, greedy politicians, lying lawyers and insurance companies are destroying what I had planned for this planet. I will eliminate them all if the humans cannot or will not on their own.	„
—Why not just call Aaron Brand from the last movie to do it?

So, one of the hippie chicks from earlier gets laid off which unsettles her greatly because she has the very obvious doll she's pushing in a stroller (which she refers to as her "baby" for some reason) to take care of. Her sister tells her that she can be a stripper or an escort (thus making her sister the most instantly likeable character of the movie). Then a guy falls off his bike and they laugh. And he says "wow."

So, the sister introduces the laid off girl (I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a name) to a bunch of gangbangers who like to spend their time standing in the middle of the street holding their guns. The sister then informs us that she'd like to do two of the guys at the same time (we told you she was awesome). One guy says he'll gladly have sex with them, but another guy says he gets them first and shoots the first guy in the wrist because he's obviously hardcore. The girls are scared by this...for about two seconds, because laid off girl goes to get laid on by our hardcore thug for cash.

We then see some bribery which leads to someone's ear and hand getting cut off for some reason. And later a guy knocks over another guy in a wheelchair and Breen makes blood squirt out of his eyes. And then later we get the most epic beatdown in history.

I really can't do justice to the batshit insanity of this movie with mere words, but luckily someone has uploaded it to YouTube, so I'd suggest you watch it quick before the dozens of major film companies who are fighting each other tooth and nail for the DVD distribution rights file DMCA takedown orders.

I Am Here....Now (2009)

Fateful Findings (2013)

	“	Author and hacker Dylan reunites with a childhood friend and causes mass suicide thanks to magical rocks!	„

Judging by the fact that Fateful Findings became the name of Breen's barely operable website as well as his Facebook, we can assume that this in the film he is most proud of. Surprisingly, he actually tones down the number of awesome powers he gives himself, though of course it wouldn't be a Neil Breen film unless he still made himself balls to the walls awesome.

Breen plays "Dylan," an author (though we are never told what he writes about) turned super-hacktivist, who routinely hacks into government and corporate computer systems to expose corruption. And lest the audience be unclear about this, Breen helpfully self-narrates his hacking antics out loud in detail. The film opens with him as a boy and some girl name "Leah" walking through the forest and discovering some kind of magic rocks. My own personal speculation is that they possess the power to make a saggy, greasy-haired, middle aged man with a chicken wattle on his fleshy neck look like a combination of Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth, because the women in this movie seem to find Dylan sexually irresistible. This assumption is further born out by the fact that Breen loves to show off his naked body leading one to assume that the "magic" rocks are actually just radioactive that his perception of his own hotness is actually caused by a fully metastasized brain tumor.

Anyhow, Dylan goes and gets himself creamed by a car that appears to be traveling at the speed of sound and winds up in the hospital. The tubes and other medical equipment are just kind of taped to him rather than actually injected into his veins, and the doctors apparently stuck his breathing tube over his bandages thus making it useless. It turns out, unbeknownst to Dylan, that Leah is now all grow up (though she strangely appears to be maybe half his age) and working at this hospital. Never mind that though, because Dylan sneeks out of the hospital and has bizarre stand up sex with his wife in the shower while still wearing his bloody bandages in one of the most disturbing scenes since the "hobbling scene" in Misery.

Oh, and Dylan has a drunken auto enthusiast pal getting shot by his wife because he spends too much time with the car. That happens for some reason.

The film ends with Dylan uncovering some vague, unidentified government and corporate corruption and uses his Breen Magic to make all the officials involved in this commit suicide en masse while giving some sort of generic anti-corruption speech in front of a green screen effect of the Supreme Court so awful that it makes the baby from American Sniper look realistic.

Fateful Findings (2013)

Twisted Pair (2018)

Breen Film Reviews

YMS: Fateful Findings

RedLetterMedia: Double Down (Skip to 44:58)

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Neil Breen

Contents

Neil Breen: The Man