House of the Dead
—Oscar Wilde, House of the Dead | ||
—Gary, House of the Dead | ||
—That one scientist who created the zombies | ||
The House of the Dead is a series of RPG platform fighting games for the game. The story revolves around the AMS organization (Asthmatic Marijuana Sniffers) which is seemingly located in London but actually is located in Wisconson. Their mission is to stop Dr."Funkhole" Curien from unleashing his polka obsessed undead frat boy army and super powered midgets that look like Gary Coleman. The main characters are homosexual life partners Gary and James, along with allies Amy and Harry, "H", Dan Taylor and Thomas Row-Gun (as well as his whiny teenage slutty daughter Lisa).
Heroes
Supa-Heroes that PWN Supa-Midgets
Gary and James
James, the AMS's most retarded agent and Gary, an old emo faggot are both homosexual partners for life. They carry magical glocks that have infinite ammo but requires to be reloaded every fucking 6 bullets. They go around slaying super powered midgets until they were stopped by teh Magishin (who proceeded to kick them in the balls). James is way cooler and Gary is just an old gay fag. Gary has fuck a woman once in Venice before (good use of english). Her name was, AMY!!!!!!!!!
Amy and Harry
Meh, Who the hell cares?
Amy has a crush on Gary.
Who the hell cares?
And Harry likes James.
So wutevur.
pooface W/e
Thomas Row-gun
Veteran AMS agent from the 1998 Curien Funkhouse incident. Row-gun is well known for his goatee, which gives him super strength and was the sole reason for his marriage with Sophie "Monster Bait" Richards. By 2019 he had gone missing, leading "H" and his daughter Lisa to search for him since he hadn't texted them for about 3 days.
"H"
Mysterious , shady , anonymous. "H"'s real name is believed to be "Leeroy H. Jenkins" , but since Sega refuses to let him talk , little is known about him. During the 2000 Goldman Incident , "H" was wounded in a tragic Hot Pocket incident, which took him 5 years to fully recover from. Later joined Lisa to search for Row-Gun 19 years later.
G
The reason for his name is because his true identity is that of the talentless musician, 50 Cent. He disguised himself as a white man to avoid any sort of recognition or confrontation, which is somewhat useless since he keeps babbling his "song" lyrics constantly, which almost brought Gary to the point of shooting him in the head.
G/50 Cent was wounded somewhere around the beginning of HotD 2, which both Gary and James were ecstatic about. It seems that he got caught in some sort of shooting like he always does, and died afterwards from a shot to the spleen. Before his demise, he handed a legendary rhymebook containing all of his substandard material to James and/or Gary.
He bears absolutely no relation whatsoever.
Lisa Row-Gun
Rebellious daughter of Row-gun. Would rather be dying her hair or partying than shooting up zombies, but when threatened with losing driving privileges, she followed "H" to rescue her dad. Basically a failed idea of a cover-girl for the franchise.
Kate Green
Noobish and constantly making smartass remarks to zombies about the fact that she's a woman , Kate joined James in the 2003 Goldman Strikes Back incident. It was Kate who convinced an AID's stricken, depressed James to end his life against "Za Warudo" by using an explosive GBA SP. She then took his post in the AMS and magic glock. She has a nice ass BTW.
Daniel "Pantalones Jr." Curien
Curien's son, aparentally was ill with SARS until Funkhole devloped "Zombie Juice" , saving him yet causing everything to be FUBAR'd. Shot his dad with Lisa's help after being forced to make a tinfoil body for him. Daniel later appeared on an episode of Maury entitled "He may have been an insane doctor-who-became-a-shiny-robot...but he's still my Dad!" , which became the highest rated show in the series history... Garnering 10 viewers.
Dan Taylor
Younger cousin of James lived his life when he became AMS commando as he joins the AMS, he seemed to put his effort and prove a lot of things that he experiences. He's smart, brave and loyal, and he can do anything. Although he lost his parents and family when he was 10.
But he turned 31. He works with Row-Gun to investigate and to deal against Curien's undead experiments. In House of the Dead III, he was encountered by Zombie boss called "Death", who clobbered Dan in the back, thus ending his amazing life. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!pooface
Villains
Dr. Roy "Funkhole" Curien
A freking pimp master mad scientist that created legions of undead and created an army of super midgets including robotic clones of Gary Coleman (as seen in the first HotD game). Known as an intergalactical pimp, even larger than Captain Kirk. He went crazy over his son who simply got a minor cold and started creating polka frat-boy zombies. Recently got a lawsuit from Capcom. Loves deep-fried chocolate coated honeydew. In HotD 3, he became a robot funklord with a wedding ring the size of a large van.
Goldman
Angry, Jewish, Tree-hugging leader of the D.B.R (Donut Breaching Retards), funded Dr. Curiens work until his death. Then decided to cheer up by doing the best "feel-good" activity around, like invading Europe with zombies like a fucking racist pussy. Before James and Gary could stop him, Goldman quickly left a Myspace note saying, "Call the Police : Goldman Building, Top Floor. Tell them to look down from "Pandora's Box", I'm sooo sorry <3 " , before acting like an emo and jumping to his death after losing 'Teh Emperah' to James and Gary. In 2003, though , he apparently left another set of recordings to piss James and his nu partner Kate off. This time, he used "Za Warudo"... and failed again. Go figure. His main job was to protect the LOYFE SOYCLE. LOL =D
Creatures
These are teh zombehs of teh game.
Axe-zombies
Identical zombies that all have the same name. They have miniature dark holes in their pockets in which they carry an infinite amount of axes. Despite being lumberjacks, they have long hair and aren't very manly.
Bitey-zombies
Undead flesh-eaters that have no shirt. The reason why they have no shirt is still a mystery. How many are there? ITS OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AMIRITE?
Bitee zombies
Not to be confused with bitey zombies. These blokes actually wear shirts and other assorted garmants, and prefer pie to cake.
Teh Magishin
A failed attempt at an animatronic attraction for older crowds at Chuck E. Cheese , teh Magishin was Dr. Curiens "Masterpiece", until it confused him with a small child one day and cracked his spine , then began to shriek about destroying the world and giving out free tickets. "H" and Row-Gun were thought to have defeated him in the 1998 Curien Funkhouse Incident , but he came back anyways because NO ONE, -NO ONE- can stop Teh Magishin.
Headless Sam and his annoying high-pitched buddeh Joe Black
A headless dude carrying an axe that is always accompanied by a annoying flying skeleton. Since Headless Sam is super retarded and lacks a brain, he is basically a meat puppet for the flying skeleton. The flying skeleton loves J-Pop in case you're wondering.
—Headless Sam, House of the Dead | ||
King Ghidorah
A mutant graboid with 5 head's that is encountered in ye old sewer's. Its middle head can detach and swim about like sperm. Roars like a dinosaur.
Mini-Freddy
A miniature midget version of Freddy Krueger that was cloned via strands of DNA found on his fine fancy hat. He made his debut in the 1998 Curien Funkhouse incident where he and his clones were mercilessly pissed upon by Row-gun and H.
Leeches
Pissed off leeches that find Encyclopedia Dramatica offensive. They were originaly employed to guard teh Magishins fishcakes but were offered better pay for being cannon fodder. They also make a great stew.
Zombeh Monkies
Monkies strewn with AIDS just like that one chimp from 28 days later. They're albino and will claw your face off. And their poop tastes like old jerky.
Bats
Friends of the leeches. The only bats Batman hesitates to befriend.
Robot Zombies
Not actually zombies, but robot wingers that try to fit in with the zombie crowd. However they can easily be distinguished by their squeaky-clean hygiene, use of light-sabers, and ability to phase through walls. Thus, zombies will tend to act racist against the robots.
Slime zombies
What happens if you mix the slimes from Maple Story with the T-virus? You get a lot of dead Koreans(virtually speaking). These buggers have appeared in every game. Shit.
Mecha-Jason
A mechanical version of Jason Voorhees, he is equipped with two OWNAGE chainsaws because simply he OWNS you. He can OWN anybody at anytime and his OWNAGE level totally OWNS. His catchphrase is: I OWNS YOU! because he totally can OWN your ass. He's so fuckin' badass that he OWNED Chuck Norris. His hobbies include watering his prized SUPER OWNAGE lilies and taking a stroll through the park LIEK UH BAWS. He has a brother named Eric who OWNS as much as he does. Exept he's armed with 2 OWNAGE lightsabers insted of chainsaws
Teh Emperah
A Jell-O man made by Goldman out of dead fucking cows to serve as Bill Cosby's successor. Could fling shiny bowling balls at enemies. Ex universe's leading expert in impersonation-based combat. Was shot up by James and Gary, leading to Goldman's emo-like end.
Za Warudo
Huge fuckin' bug man that can make pretty flying ice dragons. James and Kate whipped out some Uzi's to shoot it down , but it wasn't until James decided to end everything by blowing himself up with an explosive GBA SP that the thing was defeated. Constantly shrieked "WRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!".
to the elusive "H", who is actually Maynard James Keenan in disguise.
Brittney Spears The Dancing Wacko who Should Stop exposing her chest
She is known as that fucking huge zombie with a nutshell in her chest and when it opens, it exposes her heart, which kind of looks like a tongue. What the hell is wrong with these people? It should also be noted that she holds the highest score for Dance Dance Revolution but the lowest score for Guitar Hero.
Dance Moves of OWNAGE:
1. Move away from screen.
2. Do her Little Dance.
3. Double-Jump.
4. Get OWNED!!
Peter Simpson The Fat American Frog Guy
A totally fat american guy that fucked your mom. He is most likely the mutated combination of Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson...only less amusing and less fond of beer but way more fond of doughnuts. He once had a sumo match against Godzilla but he was so fat he couldn't move on to the stage. He licks himself to get stoned because he is half frog. He moves via group of trucks carrying a section of his fat. Has the biggest man boobs in the world. Rumor has it the people who designed this boss had to sit in a hot tub with Rosie O'Donnell for three hours. Oh yeah, he has a brother in another video game.
Sunny the Emo Plant Monster
A popular singing emo plant that is a favorite among children, he has his own T.V. show on the Disney Channel called "Tea Time with Sunny the Emo Plant". He and Elmo got in a light-saber fight with only one survivor: Oscar Wilde. He also gets a hangover whenever someone shoots one of his many faces(which he ripped off, one of them belonging to Michael Jackson when he tried to rape a super midget) and there are xenomorph's living inside his pods.
Boobby the Clown and his chansaw, Timmy
We think the title says it all about his name. Defeated after James and Gary were saved by Oscar Wilde when he rushed in piloting a Gundam and who then used as fire flower against clown.
Slothzilla "The Fool"
—Mr. T, The Fool | ||
Steve Irwin's true killer, WARNING: CONTAINS REALLY BAD BREATH, Do not approach unless I Told you To. a massive, fugly but slightly handsome sloth that was discovered by "H" and Lisa. Was prone to falling asleep and taking 50 hours to finish one attack. After Lisa realized that Irwin (her childhood idol) had fallen at the hands of The Fool, she became filled with rage and savagely beat the creature on the head with her shotgun, causing it to fall to it's death. "H" soon decided to stay the fuck away from Lisa, realizing that she was bat-shit insane.
The Love Spiders
A pair of spiders that were accidentally attached during hardcore sex, they can't stop pumping out pimp juice or else they'll die from a narrowing urethra. A cut-scene featuring them was part of Animal Planet's animal porn documentary. They attack by using their own new born children. How neglectful huh?
Weapons and Items
There are several items in the game.
Weapon list:
- magical glock that has infinite bullets A
- magical glock that has infinite bullets B
- Killer keyboard -A keyboard featured in the lame version of the game. It's a special keyboard blessed by Mr.T and has the ability to kill anything with the
pressing of a few words. Proof the English language is fucking deadly.
- shotgun - Featured in the third installment of the game. Worst weapon in the whole series.
- Uzis - Featured in the fourth installment of the game. Despite being small, it can actually shoot grenades. these guns can give the power of the 0wnzh00r to
any n3w|3 who wields them, you must be a level 30 dark mage with the cloak of power to use thes 1337 pieces
- banana gun - A unlockable weapon, this causes zombies and monsters to slip on a banana peel in a comical fashion only for their skulls to be cracked to pieces.
- Phallus ray - Featured in the adult version of the game. This weapon shoots a white blast that causes the zombies to explode via huge orgasm.
Items:
- First AID kit
- Useless junk
- First AID kit
- Foreign currency
- First AID kit
- And finally, a First AID kit.
Plot
The plot of House of the dead is to help your homosexual partner by shooting the shit out of other shit while having RELOAD! RELOAD! shouted at you
Quotes
"RELOAD MUTHAFUCKA!!!!!!!!" That one annoying announcer dude