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Saw
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Saw is what happened when two gay Aussies (one Chinese and one white) named James Wan and Leigh Whannell decided it was a good idea to make guro into a film series. The series is popular among 13 year old boys for its drawn-out torture porn and gory nudity which only a sick fuck such as yourself could fap to. But that's all totally okay because each film ends with a pointless, retarded twist that makes it fine and dandy for people to enjoy watching other human beings having their intestines ripped out and fed to pigs. Even then, it's still better than that Hostel shit.
Films
Saw
The only one which actually had shit to do with saws. It was apparently quite good, since it turns out that the old cancer cripple has actually been organizing massive death traps from his hospital bed inbetween chemo sessions. He chains two guys in a room together, almost rips some bitch's mouth open and sets a guy on fire. Other than that, some nigger gets shot for trying too hard, which is always lulzy.
Saw II: Electric boogaloo
This one's about a bunch of guys in a house doing stuff so they don't die. There aren't even any traps this time, because all the people are completely fucking stupid and either kill each other for no reason or get themselves shot by not listening to Jigsaw's instructions. The twist is that the cocktease from the first film is now a villain, which is stupid because nobody agrees to put themselves in a house full of poison and psycho wiggers.
Saw III
Some fat guy can't get over the fact that his son was pwned by a car, so Jigsaw forces him to do a load of weird tasks which range from burning his sons shit to shooting a lawyer in the face, which will cure him of his depression. Obviously that'll cure him. This film is notable as somebody finally has the balls to slice open Jigsaw and beat his creepy little games. Ironically, Jigsaw still managed to kidnap the fat guys daughter and blow off his wife's head from beyond the grave, so I guess fat people still fail. However, it is not all bad, as the film contains imagery of a fat guy killing people, which is always lulz. Unfortunately, this is the installment where the morons writing it decided it would be good to kill off Jigsaw, the only character in the series that actually had any elements of win.
Saw IV
No, of course it doesn't end when Jigsaw dies. But nobody knows how they fucked over continuity to bring him back, since nobody bothered to see it. All that's known is that the twist involves the third and fourth films happening at the same time, which MEANS JIGSAW IS ALIVE DURING SAW IV!!!!1HOLY SHITOMG. But seriously, nobody cared. The fat guy from Saw III briefly reappears for about one second before he gets killed, making the previous film completely pointless. This film could have been alright, but the point stands that they repeated all the bullshit they did wrong before, and it came out ever so shittily. Also, Jigsaw's former fuck-buddy becomes the new Jigsaw. And once again, a nigger gets everyone killed by trying too hard.
Saw V
Nothing happens in this film except some guy talks to himself for two hours, and then gets crushed by a wall. That's literally it, unless you count some boring and irrelevant subplot about a fire that Jigsaw was somehow connected to.
Saw VI
A Jew is rejecting people from being covered probably for the lulz, the attention, or the fact Obama never spread the wealth like he promised. The Jew has to walk around and kill people, only to find out it was all useless and gets killed himself by some emo kid. What a wonderful idea for a movie. Also pointless, besides the series itself, is the fact that an exceedingly minor character faked her death, likely for lulz, and after miraculously returning from the dead, she proceeds to be of no use for the rest of her life until getting gutted like a fish and dying in the middle of the movie before catching the bad guy. See: epic fail. Also Jigsaw's former fuck-buddy proves to be incompetent because he gets his ass kicked by a woman.
Saw VII
Basically the same as Saw VI, except instead of a dickhead insurance guy we get a dickhead con artist. Two guys let the woman they're both banging get gutted, that dude from Linkin Park gets his skin ripped off, and Jigsaw's ex-wife finally gets pwned. Also, it turns out that one of the gay guys from the first movie was alive all along and willingly helping the guy who kidnapped him and his family, most likely for the lulz. He "ironically" traps Jigsaw's former fuck-buddy in the same room he escaped from in the first movie. AND IT'S ALL IN 3-D HOLY SHIT.
Characters
Although there are over 9,000 characters in the franchise, none of them actually survive more than one film except Jigsaw. By default, this should mean that he's totally awesome to live while all those other bitches get killed, but everybody knows old people aren't cool HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.
Everybody else is just there to get their balls ripped off on-screen, so they don't count.
Traps
The whole "plot" of the movie is people getting tortured by all sorts of sick traps. These "traps" (sometimes called games) usually involve people that get their eyes cut open, lungs being castrated or penises being chopped off with a hook. For an unknown reason, most of the audience (see below) love watching these little games.
These meaningless traps conclude 99% of the movie, which obviously shows us that the writers can't think of a better storyline than a guy saving another guy from drowning in pig shit.
Saw: The Vidya Gaem
Last thursday it was announced that there will actually be a video game based on the series. This made all of the fanboys jizz their pants, because "HOLY SHIT TEH BST MOVEI EVR GON BECOME A VYDYA GAEM!12 HOW AWESOEM IS TAHT".
Unfortunately, it turned out to be more of a Silent Hill puzzle/adventure game, rather than a gorey killing-spree-fest. Most of the game includes running through a room to grab a key before you explodes yourself, going towards FREEDOM! only to be fucked over and have it be locked off with a "LOL FAG" spray painted on whatever locked it, and being chased by a manbearpig thing.
For the most part you have to save stupid bitches who are too dumb to free themselves, whilst getting yourself fucked up in the process. (ex. getting injected with poison while trying to save some chick you never met before, without having her getting electrocuted to death.) The only time you actually kill anyone is in self defense, since you have a key surgically put inside of you that everyone wants to get their dicks on. Oh, btw: spoiler.
One of the only reasons people play this game is because it bleeds gamerscore for Xbox fags, like a raccoon on a highway.
Fans
Due to its large amounts of blood and lack of anything else, Saw has unsurprisingly become popular on the Internet. However, the last few films have caused nothing but IMDB butthurt as fags cry over the slow death of the best series ever. You should troll these people if you get a chance. Just mentioning how much Saw VI will suck causes endless waves of angst to flow.
Of course, no Saw fan has ever seen a decent gore-centric film, like Flower Of Flesh And Blood or August Underground's Mordum, but they all think they're super badass because they claim bullshit like "dude, Saw is so fucking awesome, I love those movies so much! All that blood and gore and murder and human anguish is so fucking cool!" And yet if they watched Begotten, they would simultaneously puke and shit their pants. Begotten is pretty fucking boring though.
Unfortunately, forums are rarely set up for the series. With nowhere to share their intelligent thoughts, this causes fanbois to upload endless amounts of boring videos of them talking for ten minutes onto YouTube. Some people also think it's a good idea to make their own versions of Saw traps which are met with critical acclaim from other Internet fags. And, as with all things on the Internet, others go and ruin it further by making fucking stupid videos about SpongeBob being trapped in Jigsaw's lair. No, really.
The only "big name fan" (see also: douchebag) that has yet popped up in this creepy-ass fandom is known by the oh-so-cryptic pseudonym "that_evening". We are fairly sure she only makes graphics and writes fan fiction because she wants to do Costas Mandylor. http://community.livejournal.com/evening_dream/
EDIT: "that_evening" is no longer the only Saw fanfiction writer and is still not as obsessed as teenage_roadkill. See also: Desperate. And although we are fairly sure that_evening only writes because she wants to do Costas Mandylor, we are certain that teenage_roadkill only writes because she wants to ride Costas Mandylor's disco stick like a coked up Lady Gaga straddling a mechanical bull during rodeo week. Proof: [1]
YouTube Faggotry
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See Also
- Guro
- Danganronpa - The animu version.
- Movie
- Torture
- Trap
- House of Jigsaw
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Saw is part of a series on Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage. |