Cracked

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Once upon a time, Cracked was a magazine that competed with Mad Magazine for the honor of being the top glorified comic book. The editors and owners of Mad Magazine had a difficult time adapting to the series of tubes we now call our internets. Cracked's magazine tanked after some faggot that history won't remember attempted to poison some people with anthrax. Their website continued on and they shifted focus towards building a "comedy" website aimed at very immature women, black people, Transgender people, and anyone else who isn't a young, white, male who must be a sexist, racist gamer because Cracked said so, anyone with an appreciation for dick jokes, pointless comment flame wars, and 50% off cheap Chinese knock offs while finding tall people to fuck.

Content

Much of Cracked's content is generated by it's members though it is overseen by editors. Some of these contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there is some shit that is hilarious. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there. Depending on how deeply the dildo is lodged in your ass. It is worth noting that Cracked has become condescending, tame, and unfunny as of 2010, instead choosing to pander to the lowest common denominator of humor. Their writers would rather poke fun at such easy targets as hipsters, hippies and conspiracy theorists than saying anything truly edgy at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue.

Numbered Lists

Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the ADHD addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are usually full of circle-jerking, bitching, or spam-botting. Though some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.

Video Content

Videos on Cracked are rather hit and miss. With more misses than hits. One simply needs to stop and take a look at said videos to determine whether or not they are a complete waste of time, breath, and effort. There is no real typical video from Cracked as there is plenty of fan submissions as much as from the regular contributors.

The Agents of Cracked series provided some lulz-worthy aspects though it is considerably more tame and civil than one will find in our hallowed Encyclopedia Dramatica.

	“	Well fuck me with a live fish.	„
	—Agents of Cracked, the Chief

Topics

Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short Wikipedia-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so retards that can't write could contribute. The problem is the retards that can't write that contribute. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable and sometimes even amusing. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping.

Comics

There are two parts of Cracked that make it seem as though they thoroughly enjoy trolling their own user base. One of them is Cody (More on him in a minute), and the other is the comics. The comics that they post are generally submitted from external sources for a run until enough of the fans get pissed enough to mob Cracked HQ and threaten to burn it down. The comment section of most comics will typically be smoking some 50 years after the original posting due to the rabid amount of hatred, flaming, and gnashing of teeth their posted comics typically warrant. Mainly, this is because the humor in them is generally drier than your mother's twat with more text than the unabridged version of War and Peace. (Google it, retards.)

Craptions

The Craptions contest is simply putting a funny and/or disturbing caption to a strange picture they happen to dig up for the day. They had to put a giant fucking countdown timer on it because of the number of people butthurt over missing entry periods. Though if contributors are so stupid that it even mattered that much, large digital numbers probably won't help. Winners of Craptions are typically fairly varied. Some are amusing, others; not so much. Since 2010, Craptions are being very slowly phased out of Cracked. This may be because the typical winners make fun of other races, genders or religion, and we can't have that, can we?

Photoplasty

"Photoplasty" is Cracked's counterpart to Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday, renamed so as not to offend gimps. A couple of years ago, it was revealed that only the winner is actually picked by the Cracked staff, and everything else is in a random order, meaning you can have a 5 minute MSPaint job ahead of someone's Photoshopped 9th Symphony. Strangely, this hasn't stopped some fail entries from winning the entire competition, and the comments section made their opinions felt at the outcome.

According to Cracked, these images are worth $100. Each. About missing Pics

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  Yes, nothing has changed in the image from the original apart from the Olive Garden logo.
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  What all photoplasty winners should do.
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  Can't photoshop? Just stick a random word over something and you can win 100 jewgolds too!
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  Two random images put together = Double the chances!

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  But three random images put together = Triple the chances!
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  LOL SO FUNNEH
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  For some reason, Cracked holds a burning hatred towards Jeff Dunham. Maybe it's because he's actually funny?
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  Oh wow. REALLY hard to see what this is referencing *cough Buffalo Bill cough*
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  Put text over image. ????? Instant $100!
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  Yes, this actually won the competition. And it produced butthurt.
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  But we like the idea of the French surrendering when we want to!
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  GAH! MY EYES! THE .JPG COMPRESSION BURNS!
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  Sometimes, you don't even have to Photoshop a damn thing to win.
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  How fitting that two sources of prime bullshit come together to win a photoplasty.
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  On rare occasions though, the winners are funny. Such as this. The only problem is, this didn't win.
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  An average Photoplastier at work.

14 Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet

The bloggers of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an epic troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.

Does something smell like AXE?

14. Felix Clay: Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats anything and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, seriously. He has also took it up the ass by fat men at orgies. Again, this is not a joke. His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt You Shouldn't Make a Cocktail From Bleach and Caustic Lye."
13. Adam Todd Brown: Used to be funny, many moons ago. Only ever writes about the music industry. As of 2014, his writing has become too edgy for Cracked commenters to handle, and may be shown the door very soon. The two types of his articles can be summed up as:
    • Why I Hate Your Favorite Band By Adam Todd Brown
    • Why I Like Shit That Everybody Hates By Adam Todd Brown
    And that's about it. Next columnist.
12. Winston Rowntree: The newest addition to Cracked's regular columnists, and was a fairly decent cartoonist before joining Cracked. His style of humor quickly ran out though, and has now degenerated into DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! and OH MY GOD, NICKELBACK SUCKS BALLS! It's ok though, because cartoons. (It's a proven fact that a typical Cracked reader has so short of an attention span, any drawing worth two cents will be enough to captivate them for the rest of the day).
11. Christina Hendricks: Unfunny azn that shares her name with a well known actress. Likes to tell you about her cats. Was supposedly fired from Cracked in early 2012, and one look at her writing tells you why. It should be noted that she really doesn't like being told how shit her writing is in the comment section, and her loyal rabid fanboys, fangirls and fantrans will be sure to let you hear about it.
10. Dan O'Brien: EDiot's Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien. DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.
8. Michael Swaim is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety. But that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.
9. Robert Brockway fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community. Probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of crystal meth and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.
   Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit. evidence 1 evidence 2. Notice the fellatio he gives.
7. Soren Bowie surprised many of the readers of Cracked by actually being pretty amusing in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality. Which is basically what everyone that contributes plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that Jews did 9/11. As of 2014, has degenerated into a meme of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd bend over for him.
5. Chris Bucholz: The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.
6. Seanbaby: You can find more information on Seanbaby at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite humorous.
4. Gladstone: He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" that did 9/11. You know who I'm talking about.
   Yup, he is "one of them".
3. Cody is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are trolls of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the lulz. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.
2. John Cheese: Real name Mack Leighty; former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less funny, now that his drunken webcam capers have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy moralfag who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and improve their pitiful lives. He was abused as a child by his Daddy as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about. Lulz are frequent in his articles' comment sections, as everyone and anyone likes to mock his shit writing skills.
1. David Wong: Another holdover from PWOT, with yet another fake name, this one being Jason Pargin. whose horror-themed fiction has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring Paul Giamatti.

Drama

WE WANT YOUR BLOOD!

On April 15th, 2013, an article was posted entitled "The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed". The article was relatively non-noteworthy, until a few hours later, something rather significant went down in Boston. Despite the article being about NATURAL disasters and not man-made ones, the article was wiped clean and a message was put up in its place. This remained in place until the 17th. Quite rightly, the comment section went into a frenzy between moralfags who thought it was right to take the article down, and indignant readers who wanted to read the rest of the article (some turned the page at the precise moment the article was took down.)

Comments

The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from Youtube.

According to themselves, they are smarter than Youtube. (What?) About missing Pics

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  How an average pun thread on Cracked works. A bunch of unfunny people ride on the coattails of people who are very slightly funnier. That's about it.
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  The average IQ of a Cracked commenter in action.
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  CaptainFajardo spitting the truth.
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  But we're much smarter than Youtube!!!!111!!!one!!
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  More intelligence on display here.

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  With a username like "abortionist9", you can't go wrong.
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  And yet you're still enough of a moron to be a brony.
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  They seriously think their pun threads are better than actual humor. Holy shit.
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  As of 22/4, no one on Cracked has reported these to their "Report Abusive Commenters Here" thread. Maybe they think it's a genuine argument?
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  I'm 100% nigger.
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  CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!!!
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  Spot the beta.

16 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section

1. Call out the female commenters for using their gender as an excuse to thumb-whore.
2. Say that you are glad that Roger Ebert died.
3. Say that an article sucked and give the author a death-threat.
4. Tell them that Jeff Dunham is a better comedian and is more successful than any of the so-called "comedians" ever will be.
5. Inform them of the well-proven fact that Die Hard 4 (82%) is a better film than Die Hard 3 (51%).
6. Be a teenager. It seems that Cracked has a hard-on for oldfags and their crippling inability to get with the times, whilst using decade-old stereotypes.
7. Everything WASN'T better in the 90s.
8. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good film.
9. Say that Bronies are pedophilic man-children. Seriously, they'll get pissed.
10. The fact that ALL of the people behind novelty accounts are just forever alone, autistic NEETS who have no life.
11. Firefly was a lame series that will never return.
12. The Matrix sequels, the Alien sequels and Catwoman were all films that actually happened. Saying they didn't is like saying any of the commenters have lost their virginity.
13. Miller > Moore
14. Spanking is child abuse. Anyone who practices it is too much of a pussy to hit an animal that can defend itself.
15. GTA is the greatest game ever made, not some obscure Weaboo Japanese RPG made for the Nintendo DS.
16. No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that Transgendered people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded vagina/penis will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a faggot.

See Also

• Comedy
• Seanbaby
• The Bloody Board

External Links

• Cracked

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