Mixtapes

Start with one of these or tape over Mom and Dad's Barry Manilow

Mixtapes are an obsolete form of art in which one compiles several different recordings onto the same media, acting as a DJ of sorts, but with less talent and a shitty dual-deck tape recorder. Most commonly, mixtapes are made to be given to a prospective girlfriend in a failed attempt to win her affection. As a result, many mixtapes are filled with miserably sappy love songs and things to which no guy within his right mind would listen. They can have other themes as well, such as "Driving music" or "Songs for date rape."

HOME TAPING IS KILLING MUSIC

FUCK THE RIAA

Since any moron with a cassette deck can make a mixtape by recording directly from the radio (a primitive form of streaming media) the RIAA collectively shit their pants, fearing their monopoly on gouging people for records was being threatened. They campaigned against various manufacturers of tape recorders, trying to outlaw the technology in an attempt to keep people from doing what they were going to do anyway. Twenty years later they had the same reaction to mp3s and achieved similar results: the music industry is powerless to stop anyone determined enough to "steal" music.

How to make your own mixtape

There are a couple of well-known methods to create a mixtape, along with a few others. All are complete wastes of time because the girl you like is dating someone else anyway and you are a fat basement dwelling Aspie.

The old-fashioned way

1. Connect your tape deck to your radio or another tape deck
2. Miss the beginning of the song
3. Rewind the tape and try again
4. Record for too long, catching the beginning of a song you didn't want
5. Rewind too far and fuck up the ending of the previous song
6. Repeat the above process until the tape snaps and snarls around the recorder's mechanisms
7. Swear profusely and just buy the bitch some flowers

The modern way

1. Pirate some My Chemical Romance songs
2. Push the random button on iTunes because you're too lazy to put any thought into your playlist
3. Burn the results to a blank CD
4. Label it with your own blood
5. Stalk the girl you like and slip it under her door

The rappity rap way

1. Make some songs over instrumentals that were not made exclusively for you
2. Pay a huge sum of money to either upload them on LiveMixtapes or DatPiff
3. Get reviews from niggers thinking they are good at being music critics
4. ???
5. PROFIT!

Does it really work?

In the time before computers, we had to make do with this

Contrary to how you may feel, you're not John Cusack and you're not going to win the girl over by pointing your boombox at her in the pouring rain. In fact, if you try that it's quite likely that the cops will be called and you'll earn yourself a nice new restraining order. As you skulk home in the rain after your talk with the authorities, you may find yourself planning your next mixtape, this time about your impending suicide. That's how they'll probably find you in the end, lying in a puddle of your own blood, razor blades on the floor, goth music quietly making its way to the bathroom from your stereo.

What will happen in reality is she's dating some faggot who listens to the Jonas Brothers because he's trolling for pussy. You never even stood a chance.

In case it actually does work

If you do somehow end up getting a girlfriend with this pathetic cry for attention, it's likely she's some stupid scenester chick with skunk hair, too much eye makeup, and tacky jewelry. Feel free to show her off at the local Hot Topic, where you will be relentlessly mocked for your choice because you and your girl are not hardcore enough. Go home and cry about it, because she's cheating on you with your best friend anyway.

Famous Mixtapes

I hate to tell you this my friend but she'll never see your dong IRL

• The one you gave to that popular girl
• The one that failed
• The one that worked (mythical)
• The one that is made by your favorite rapper
• Tori Amos sings her most boring songs about her menses
• Every shitty techno album ever
• Vivaldi's Four Seasons (Pretty dope, actually)
• Every CD is mixed, dummy. It's just usually done for money, not for hugbox as in your case

Mixtapes is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.