First Amendment

See also: Free Speech and Freedom of speech

According to the US Constitution, the 1st Amendment gives us the freedom to say whatever the hell we want no matter how stupid or offensive it may be. So you can go fuck yourself you pussy faggot!

The Basics.

As American as Apple Pie..

Origins

Back in the day, the anti-federalists were worried the new Constitution would keep them from IRL trolling and CP. To protect themselves, they came up with the First Amendment! Oh Boy!

What it does

Assembly - It's your Right!

The First Amendment protects us all from evil by guaranteeing our right to:

1. Anything on 4chan
2. Freedom of Assembly
3. Create & share amusing racial epithets!
4. Freedom of the Press
5. Freedom of Religion
6. Petition the Government for redress of our grievances
7. Political dissent & Mod Sass

In addition, the First Amendment also prohibits a particular religion from being forced upon us by the State, which is a bit different from how Americunts view it.

Sounds Great! So, who hates it?

*sigh* Well, that depends entirely upon who you ask...

Some argue that the First Amendment allows for too much freedom!

The List:

Conservatives

Republican Style.

Generally speaking, Conservatives consider themselves to be the sole arbiters of the Cons-tit-ution!1!! (Hooo-yah!) They consider our founding document to be divinely inspired and intended to be taken and read literally.

They also unilaterally oppose any form of extrapolation from, or alternate application of, the principles set forth therein and consider these efforts to be little more than an illegal, extra-constitutional excess.

Unless they find themselves in disagreement with the simple wording of the Constitution, that is. Then?

Examples - Conservatives say the First Amendment does not apply when:

• You are speaking out against a Republican President.

• Expressing displeasure with a US war in general, or the conduct of the United States Military in particular.

• Criticizing the Constitution itself.

• Offering an opinion which favorably portrays Arabs, Palestinians or nearly anyone who is unfortunate enough to exist above our oil.

Note: Conservatives were recently able to codify [Read: U = V&] many of these objections into law! See: Freedom 2.0 for details. Also W.

Liberals

Liberals OTOH, don't have as much of a problem with mangling any part of our founding document, provided said mangling adds value to their hollow, atheistic, heathen existences.

While they do seem to have a passing fancy for the First Amendment in particular, they will quickly chuck it under the bus if:

• Said speech is "ZOMG! Hateful!" or "Offensive" towards anyone except for Conservatives or Christians.

• The speech suggests certain US laws be enforced, or imply that certain minority groups are anything less than wholesome and pure.

• The speech in question is critical of valuable artistic expression.

• The speech is considered critical of any ancillary facet of the Liberal belief system. Such as Global Warming, for example.

Libertarians

Disregard that, we've got the First Amendment! HAHAHAHA!

Unsurprisingly, Libertarians are perhaps the most tolerant of Free Speech and would serve as excellent stewards in this regard, except they are all too busy re-compiling their latest distro to be bothered with any sort of Free Speech activism above and beyond brief email campaigns and copy & paste Ron Paul quotations.

They also have a nasty habit of forgetting all about the First Amendment whenever somebody suggests that it just might apply to people they don't Arab. Reading Ayn Rand and tattooing Ron paul campaign slogans on your penis doesn't make you less of a raging faggot.

Jews

Unique to the Jew is an uncanny ability to combine the Arab xenophobia of the Conservative's, with the Liberal's sensitivity towards offending other types of minorities... Easily making Jews the ultimate in polarized, First Amendment double-speak.

Pro Tip: Anyone who suggests this duplicity MIGHT BE hard coded at the genetic level is obviously an anti-semite.

Niggers

Niggers also have a unique perspective on the First Amendment.

For them, the First Amendment exists solely to prevent anyone except Black stand up comedians or other fellow niggers, from using the word "Nigger" in any context or medium.. Ever!

While this may seem hypocritical at first (Rights for thee, but none for me) one must always bear in mind that Niggers are little more than a lightly evolved ape-species and mostly illiterate. As such, their imperfect understanding of the Constitution can be attributed to the uniqueness of the ^1.Nigger educational model.

1. Oral tradition handed down from their "parents" via a complex series of intra-family penile manipulation and poo flinging, as well as high pitched clicks and grunts.

Arabs

Much like the Niggers, and in spite of their rich oral and written history, the Arabs also take a very narrow view of the freedom the First Amendment guarantees.

While generally supportive of their own right to assemble, speak freely and the freedom to choose Islam as their religion, Arabs can become violent (And even spontaneously combust!) when other groups attempt to assert the same rights for themselves.

See Also: Judaism, Israel, Hypocrite, Irony.

Ahhh... Freedom!

Everyone

When they disagree with you.

No One

When they do not.

Virginia has a question. ED responds!

Virginia -

So I can rule internets nao? Cuz mootie banned me and stole my first amendment?!

Don't laugh.. They stole his First Amendment! :(

ED Help Desk -

LOL! No, Virginia.. Here, on the interbutts, the First Amendment is a complex thing!

How to explain it to you... Hummm..

Ok, try this!

Every weekend, we EDiots line our pets up on mom & dad's coffee table and lecture them on our politics.

Now pay attention Virginia, because this is key - That's our coffee table, in our living room!

(BTW, we had our pets stuffed because they were poor listeners.)

Likewise, Moot lectures his pets too! But on his coffee table, just like us!

(Except he stuffs his pets with cock instead.)

Now the Constitution says I have a right to lecture my pets on my table, and it also says he has a right to lecture his pets on his table.

But! I don't have a First Amendment right to lecture his pets on his table.

Nor, does he have a right to talk to my coffee table.

(Like it could hear him anyway.)

The Constitution says we aren't obligated to provide a venue for any of this retard bullshit.

I hope that helps, dear..

Virginia -

That's the First Amendment? OMG! It's horrible! I hope you die in a fire!

ED Help Desk -

Yes.. that's the Constitution, Virginia.

The First Amendment is what made this country great!

Also, cocks!

Long live our First Amendment!

(TL;DR Version)

Of course, the internet and the First Amendment go hand in hand, however there are some things to remember.

• The First Amendment does not apply to private services - True. An owner of a private service (e.g. ED, Habbo may do so out of racism) may restrict what is said on their service, no matter what.
• The First Amendment means I can do what I want on the internet, when I want - False. You may say what you want within legal bouandries, providing you are on a public service or your own, such as a blog, LiveJournal or similar. Again, the owner of the private service can deny you access at any time for any reason.
• Making death threats on the internet is covered under the First Amendment - False. That would be deemed a terroristic threat and thus is illegal. See Hal Turner for ways to tap-dance on this very fine line.

First Amendment Gallery

About missing Pics

• 
  A free speech advocate. (Typical)
• 
  Petitioning for Redress of Grievances (Also Typical)
• 
  Kramer, doing it right

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Penn, doing it wrong.
• 
  Protected Speech.
• 
  Speech Not Covered by the First Amendment.
• 
  How About A Nice Big Cup Of Shut The Fuck Up
• 

See Also

• ACLU
• AnonTalk
• STFU
• You_vs._ED
• Freedom of speech