Newgrounds/theflashportal/archive

How to get to "#1 All Time" on the portal

The Coveted Spot.

The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position though Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:

1. First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity.
2. Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap.
3. One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality.
4. Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13 year old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal.
5. One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?)
6. It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups.
7. Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta?
8. In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or any thing related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status.
9. Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality.
10. To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive which cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters.
11. One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms.
12. Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha.
13. If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders.
14. Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work.
15. ????
16. Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)

Examples:

• One
• Two
• Three
• Four