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ScrewAttack/Former Talent: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 16:07, 4 May 2015
These are the former talent/friends of ScrewAttack's ego, Craig Skitsimas. As we can see, Polish wrath is mighty...
Handsome Tom
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Got fucked over by his best friend over a lousy video game site.
Whilst Craig could be described as the "fun" side of ScrewAttack 2006 (aka "ScrewAttack: The Golden Years," aka "ScrewAttack: When it wasn't Such Shit Years"), it was definitely Tom that was the brains behind the whole operation.
Handsome Tom aka Thomas Hanley, Jr. was the one to make sure all their gaming facts were correct, their reviews accurate and foremost were interesting to watch. This change was most apparent as soon as he "left" the company, when their videos took a serious nosedive in quality after Craig realized he knew fuck all about video games and got his McJobbing teenage fucktard workforce to write them up instead. (Which were on an accuracy level that would have made even the Irate Gamer disappoint.)
So how/why did Tom leave? Short answer: He was cowardly knifed in the back by Stuttering Craig. Tom in his infinite wisdom, decided to take a vacation one spring morning in 2007 and whilst he was away Craig registered the company in his name only. Of course, Tom being a pretty cool guy decided, "well, I'll be a sport to Craig and become a paid employee." Unfortunately, paying people is Stuttering Craig's personal Kyrptonite and he told Tom to GTFO. Tom then went on to create The Game Heroes, and then moved onto TGWTG.
Of course, Craig hadn't expected a backlash from fans at betraying his best friend in such a dick move. Even going as far as removing entire sub-sections about Tom's departure from the ScrewAttack article on TOW. But needless to say, the absence and dismissal of Tom has always been a huge port-wine stain on both Craig and ScrewAttack's reputation. Even to this day newfags always post "Where is Handsome Tom?" on nearly every single video ScrewAttack has made.
As of October 2012, Tom and Craig have buried the hatchet. Tom retired from the community as he is actually going into a job that pays money and the fact that compared to Craig, he's actually married. As such, his GameHeroes site will remain up until the domain expires in 3 or so years.
Perfect Liz
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Her man got fucked over by her former friend.
P3rf3ct L1z aka Elizabeth Hanley is the wife (at the time, fiancee) of Handsome Tom. She used to run the forums for ScrewAttack and wasn't on camera often. As she had more knowledge on how to use forum software, Craig took advantage this happily, even if she should be in the kitchen.
As such, Craig was caught unaware of Liz and Tom's exact relationship until after he realized that his forums went to shit after Tom left. It was then that Liz announced to Craig that he needed to find someone else to do his own shit. As such, Craig decided to put his most loyal minions in charge of the forum and never to anyone who knew what kind of a rat he was.
ScrewAttack Europe
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: No pay, No fuckin' work
After the Angry Video Game Nerd left for GameTrailers, it was Britfags Wesley Lock and Guru Larry (AKA ScrewAttackEurope) who had become the main draw for ScrewAttack. Their videos, which consisted of shitty shows like Games Yanks Can't Wank, were pulling in more views than any of ScrewAttack's own efforts (which isn't that hard considering they had devolved into them kicking each other in the balls after Tom's "departure").
Unfortunately, Craig has as much foresight as Mr. Magoo when it comes to nurturing future talent, so just as he did with Awesome Video Games, Captain S, GameJew and a slew of their other content producers, he did nothing but ignore them and instead ride the coattails of the AVGN for all he's worth and feather his own nest.
This was half the problem though, For some reason, Larry & Wez didn't like the idea of making videos for free (or at least earn 10% of the ad revenue ScrewAttack was making off their videos when they moved over to Blip). So with Craig's reluctancy to also put ScrewAttack Europe on GameTrailers or other such sites, Larry and Wez moved onto making shows for British TV and later on to TGWTG. Craig still didn't get the picture and instead branded them traitors for working on websites that openly attack his.
ScrewAttackEurope then began to slowly disappear off ScrewAttack's website, first the SAE section of their forums, then eventually off their main page. This was all done without ever informing Wez or Larry that they had been fired. But come August of 2010, Craig was informed that they were making money on YouTube as they had recently become partners. Seeing red, Craig threw a bitch fit, and went Spax3 on their asses, demanding Wez and Larry close their account because of bogus "copyright infringement" claims, followed by wild accusations of them only becoming partners in the first place as they were illegitimately using ScrewAttack's name. Craig then BAWWWED to YouTube and demanded that they remove their partnership status.
Of course, he threw such a massive eTantrum this time, it caught the attention of fans, who saw this as "Stuttering Craig Vs. Handsome Tom" all over again. In response Craig released a lulzworthy video explaining what mean and nasty persons Larry and Wez were for leaving their website (note: never explaining "why" they left), whilst Destin completely ruined any discernible respect they could have ascertained from said video by acting like a 13 year old boy.
Larry and Wez now make the same old shit videos for TGWTG and a number of other websites. With Wez even causing his own eDrama a few months prior, by belittling a mother who openly admits to playing Xbox Live more than looking after her baby, then threatening to sue Wez for making a commentary about it.
8-Bit Mickey
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Screwed off his intern gig to suck Tom's cock.
8-Bit Mickey is best described nowadays as the "Daily Destin" of The Game Heroes (Tom's version of ScrewAttack), He is Tom's bitch and the only recognizable face amongst Tom's legion of staff, so it's nice to see Tom is still keeping up the ScrewAttack tradition of hiring people no-one knows.
But like Tom, Mickey also started out on ScrewAttack during their Golden Age and making semi-decent video game related content, but he was always on Tom's side of the fence when it came to working there. So when the ScrewAttack Split occurred, Mickey was torn between remaining loyal to his friend or staying on a non-paying job with an egotistical Polish douche-bag. Needless to say, he made the better decision.
Mickey has even gone on to make an eCelebrity status of his own, by becoming a contestant in the second season of "The Tester," where overweight basement dwellers and fap-material who clearly know Jack shit about gaming compete against each other for a minimum wage job testing shitty PS3 titles. This may sound bad to a normal human being, but after failing out of college and having to resort to working at ScrewAttack, Mickey must feel like a multi-million dollar earning prostitute inspector!
In 2011, Mickey left the Game Heroes without much of an explanation. Tom never has explained on air the reason for the departure, although, he and Mickey remain on good terms.
Captain S (PBC Productions)
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Refused to make a hideously expensive show for free and then fired for joining TGWTG.
Captain S was ScrewAttack's first attempt at making a video game series that didn't strictly evolve around reviews. Even though it was a blatant rip-off of the 80's cartoon series, Captain N: The Game Master.
Unfortunately, it was once again the Achilles heel of Stuttering Craig that put the show to an end, Money. In order to make a second season, the only option was to become like Oliver Twist and ask the Stuttering one for an investment. Craig, of course blew his top and demanded they somehow make the show for free. Which to any sane human being is impossible, so rather than endure a regular grilling from ScrewAttack "is the show ready?" "where is the show?" "we need the show up today!", PBC decided to become delete fucking everything and disband the entire company.
They did find solace by creating Little Miss Gamer for TGWTG. A show about a strange Jewish creature that reviews video games and eBegs for consoles and handhelds that they'll never use or could easily afford.
Underbelly
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Craig's strict contract and negotiating "skills," also the lack of pay.
Underbelly, not to be confused with the awful Australian show Underbelly, is made in the USA by real Americans, not Aussie douche-bags. Underbelly was recently a partnered show with ScrewAttack. They boasted some of the highest production values ScrewAttack has ever seen, using a white screen and shooting all in HD. They are a clear mix between Penn & Teller's Bullshit and Attack of the Show offering what they call "infotainment" to the interwebs.
The show has five core members and about ten hanger-on's that occasionally host or act in a variety of episodes. Their videos vary in style ranging from psuedo-documentary white screen segments, to comedic parody skits, to showing rare gameplay footage. They also cover conventions as press and host their own local events.
They are friends with brentalfoss and have visited the AVGN several times to check out his collection and chat about his "movie." They also got on the good side of Public Relation companies like GolinHarris and Bender/Helper Impact, allowing them access to gaming events, conventions, and interviews most shows couldn't dream of getting. They recently met Hideo Kojima, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Reggie Fils-Aime who, for some reason, did not kill them instantly.
They were added to ScrewAttack's Partner Shows list in early 2010, but the partnership was very one-sided as there was never any compensation and the contract Underbelly would've had to sign gave Craig full rights to the show. The creators, Justin Silverman and Shawn Caple, having worked in the real video industry were cautious about this and after a Skype meeting with Craig decided to seek out a more stable host. They are currently only uploading to YouTube and partnered with 
vsauce.
Destin Legarie (Daily Destin)
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Left to get a job that PAYS.
AKA Handsome Tom 2.0, Destin Legarie aka Daily Destin) is Craig's former right hand man, self-proclaimed video game journalist, and personal nigger. He was discovered by Stuttering Craig after claiming asylum in America, fleeing the third world country of Canada. Seeing potential and a large Handsome Tom shaped gap in his company, Craig took him under his wing to work on the site with his only payment being daily anal penetration.
Destin is responsible for quite possibly the only thing worth watching on ScrewAttack, Hard News -- but the vocal confusion brought on by Destin's untranslatable lisp just makes the show just another total farce and waste of time.
But even Destin has noticed the cracks in the crumbling Skistimas empire and is desperately trying to bail out of the sinking S.S. ScrewAttack by joining Destructoid. Knowing he would soon receive a patented Craig Co.(TM) knife in the back, he "upgraded" to a spot with IGN.
Maxifent Corey
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Got a job with a company that has a future.
Maxifent Corey aka Corey Pettit is a girl gamer who suffered from gotis. Being the only chick on this sausage fest site, she played second banana to Daily Destin's shut in of a news show. Hiding her stereotypical blond ditsy nature she has died her hair red in order to confuse people about her retarded tendencies. Nerds also get off to making fun at her whenever they mention Battletoads so she'll get angry.
Corey was confronted for having gotis in the Unofficial ScrewAttack Chat Room by a trap named Emily Gloom. Despite Corey's White Knights banning Emily Gloom for revealing that Corey in fact was an attention whore, Gloomish supporters who were mods and admins of the chat at the time unbanned Emily Gloom over and over until Corey, filled to the brim with tears and butthurt, logged out, never to return to the chat room again.
The aftermath of this event led to other ScrewAttack staff and interns denying any further affiliation with the Unofficial Screwattack Chat Room, leaving the place to be run by nerds and fags until its eventual fall at the hands of trolls. Not that it matters, since she has a real job and told the site to fuck off.
José ElMexicano
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: Was sick of being Craig's bitch and got a job that wasn't an embarrassment on his resume.
José Mejia used to be a low rank wetback in the SA ranks who was in charge of counting Craig's loot from the store. Over the years he became one of the most popular contributors for the site. His specialties included slapping his balls on people's foreheads, cross dressing, being stupid enough to get locked outside by Craig in the dead of winter wearing nothing but jeans and a T-shirt, and putting all you can eat restaurants out of business. José was last seen entering a Taco Bell, and has never came out since.
Moviebob
Moar info: Moviebob.
TL;DR REASON FOR DEPARTURE: I don't fucking know... too fat for the site and took up too much bandwidth?
Bob "Moviebob" Chipmen Is the fat, SJW feminist who now make shit shows for The Escapist about how much he loves Anita Sarkeesian, how he hates Republicans, Michael Bay and the people who beat him up in high school. The rest of his time is spent on his obsession with Mario and general boring bullshit about movies and games from 30 years ago.
About six years after leaving, he came crawling back to ScrewAttack after TheEscapist fired his fat ass after his involvement in GamerGate.
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ScrewAttack/Former Talent is part of the TGWTG Circle-jerk
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