User:Anwar Sadat's Horny Ghost/Humanitarianism

Nigger browser stole my piping, I'll fucking do it later.

Humanitarianism is the masturbatory hobby of the privilaged who give money to the poor so that they too can afford satellite television and will no longer have to subside on cancer. This activity is directly proportional to the amount of attention the act will garner. No one gives a shit about poor or disadvantaged people. Unless people are watching. Unsuprisingly, this phenomena is most commonly found in celebrities.

Your average humanitarian effort.

The Quintessential Altruist

Origins

Humanitarians will always find an obnoxious and inefficient way to give their money. For instance, a simple course of niacin during pregnancy, costing mere pennies, will reduce rates of autism by 40%, an undeniable good for all parties. Even better, the 60% remaining can be eliminated with a 30 minute exposure to potassium cyanide, costing even less. But since it's not too sexy to use a giant cardboard check to buy a bottle of multivitamins or rat poison at Wal-mart, humanitarians choose instead to pay for a six year old's heart transplant, costing several hundred thousand dollars, an act sure to make the evening news. The child dying a year later of graft versus host will not make the news. Money well spent. The U.S. government, too, gets in on the humanitarian game. Wherever there are revolutionaries with dubious goals in need of heavy weapons to topple the government they live under, the US government is there, so long as it could lead to marginal gains to the US. This is, perhaps the only acceptable form of humanitarianism, as it leads to both genocide and lulz. The only improvement to be made is the addition of cameras to the arms shipments, so that the lulz can be properly documented and preserved for posterity.

What you need lots and lots of to be a humanitarian.

Your average humanitarian. Note the smug expression and large sums of money.

The Approximate sum of cash handed out annually by Humanitarian Charities

Where Are They?

Internet humanitarians, much like their IRL counterparts, desperately crave to be tricked into thinking they have made a difference. Lacking money, however, they can only imitate their wealthy idols by using all the influence they have to bring attention to a cause. They will sign e-petitions, like Youtube videos, and update their Facebook status ten times a day to change the world for the better. There are exactly no examples of these tactics every changing anything. A classic example of such activism is the genocide in Darfur, which was for several years the Cause célèbre of the internet. The fact that it was the favored cause of the internet for several years shows just how effective the e-activism was. Pressing a like button will never, ever stop a machete, and never will. There are also widgets to facilitate quick donations which pop up after every disaster of the week on every website looking to appear to help while doing nothing but copy/pasting code onto their front page.

What To Do if You Meet One

If the word "humanitarian" comes up, leave. Don't say anything, just go.

Be very careful around humanitarians. They think they have powers and are likely to try and raep you.

See Also

• Internet Humanitarianism
• Smugfag