Hearthstone

Do you like Magic: The Gathering? Do you like card games that require no skill or thinking? Do you like World of Warcraft? Do you love wasting hundreds of dollars on virtual cards where most of the cards suck ass? Well then allow me to present the game for you!

Hearthstone is Blizzard's latest masterpiece that has the gaming world storming that it's the best Free 2 Play game ever! Teased as the next big thing, fans were disappointed to hear it's a card game, but then turned around and loved it when Blizz offered them free mounts in WoW.

Gameplay

Hearthstone is played by two players playing a deck of 30 cards. The goal is to A) Beat your opponent to the point where they explode into fireworks or B) Fill your board up to the point that he An Heroes. To kill your opponent, you play minions onto the board and cast spells at the cost of mana. The game even has some features that they didn't completely rip off from Magic such as the copious amount of random number generators. Random minion, random damage, random random random! At that point you'll wonder are you playing a TCG or are you in Vegas?

Like any card game, the winner is not the best player, nor the luckiest player. The winner of this game will always be the player with the most legendaries in his deck, or the player who spend most money to buy a good deck. Now be a good Blizzard minion and repeat the Hearthstone chant: "Hearthstone is not pay to win!".

Classes

In Hearthstone, you have a choice between nine classes where half of them are severely underpowered or luck based. Depending on your playstyle will depend on what class you choose

Class	Hero Power	Theme	Description	Strengths
Priest		Healing everything to unkillable levels and stealing your beefy cards like a little bitch.	If you like luck based gameplay, or pissing off your opponent, then Priest is the class for you!	Priests can heal a shit ton of damage. They also have countless spells that steal or copy your opponent's card. Priests fuck up Warriors or Druids that rely on strong minions to win the game. Also effective versus Rogues and Mages that try to chip your health little by little.
Warrior		Beating everything down with weapons and dealing damage to EVERYTHING!	Used by losers who think the Horde is hardcore. Annoying class if they have a chance to gain armor.	Warriors have strong have strong weapons and armor bonuses. They also have strong minions that last long.
Warlock		Demons and damaging yourself.	The most P2W class in the game next to Druid. Used by eSports players to beat up little kids on Twitch.	Warlock's gimmick is dealing damage to himself. A lot of cheap strong spells require sacrifice instead of mana.
Mage		Spells and freezing people.	The first class in the game you start with. Because it's the one people start with everyone thinks it's the best in the game until they realize how broken Hunter is.	Mages have spells that clear the board of enemy minions and have strong damage spells. They fuck up Warlocks that use health for their spells. They also shit on paladins with many small and weak minions.
Druid		Accelerating to the point where they can drop beefy minions on turn 3.	Another P2W class. Turn one you're thinking you can take this guy, then turn two the bitch drops an 8 attack minion.	Druids have strong late game minions and can summon strong minions early.
Hunter		Beast minions MINDLESSLY RUSHING YOUR OPPONENT TO THE POINT THAT THEY DIE TURN 5!		Good at rushing Decks, but not much else.
Shaman		Using powerful cards that overload your mana and hexing people.	The weakest class in the game. If you see a Shaman on ladder, it's probably a bot.	Shamans get a lot of random minions and have strong overload spells.
Paladin		Beefing up weakass minions.	Blizzard's favorite class as they give Paladin the coolest cards.	Shit ton of minions that they can buff. Can give Divine Shields to everything.
Rogue		C-C-C-COMBOS!	The edgiest class in the game. Used to be the most powerful until it was nerfed to the point where it's not played anymore.	A lot of cards need combos, hece the good synergy with many of the Goblins vs Gnomes cards.

Play Mode

Now that you know the nine exciting classes to build a deck with, you're ready to play the game. In Play Mode you play against other humans and the occasional Shaman Bot. However, it isn't like in Starcraft where you are paired up with people of similar skill. You're paired up against anyone ranging from the mobile gamer noob who just installed today to the P2W eSports streamer. You have a choice between two modes in Play Mode.

Casual Play

This is where everyone goes when they're tired of constantly being raped by Golden level 60 Hunters at rank 20.

Ranked Play

The main meat of the Hearthstone. All the pros and their mothers love to flop their big beefy legendary minions trying too hard to achieve the ultimate dream: Rank 1 Legend! To get there, you'll have to fight through millions of players worldwide, starting from rank 25 to rank 1. Then, once you get past rank 1, you arrive at Legend rank, where you'll fight through the most tryhardy players in existence to reach Rank 1 Legend. What happens if you reach Rank 1 Legend? NOTHING! All that happens is Blizzard gives you a pat on the back for all that hard work and hundreds of dollars to spent on getting the cards to get to legend. In fact, all you get for reaching legend is a shitty cardback. In fact, why play ranked at all? The only reward is a cardback every season that you get by reaching rank 20. After that you can just go into casual play and play against people who aren't losers.

Arena

If you're terrible at Ranked Play, which is the majority of the playerbase, there's another gamemode for you! The Arena!

For the small price of 150 in game gold or $1.99 you can draft a deck made up of random cards that you would never be used in Ranked Play because they're god awful and win fabulous prizes!

Depending on how many games you win determines your rewards. Below are the possible prizes in order from how many wins you achieve:

1. Card pack and a few in game shekels.
2. Card pack and a little bit more in game shekels.
3. Card pack and some more shekels. Now we're getting somewhere.
4. Card pack and only slightly more shekels then the last time.
5. Card pack and the slowly increasing amount of shekels. And you thought World of Warcraft was a grind.
6. Card pack and another step up in shekels. You know, most players don't make it this far and only get 2-3 wins.
7. Okay, now we're at the good stuff. Card pack and 150 gold. Now you can buy another arena run!
8. Card pack and (Okay, I think you get it by now. I'll just skip ahead until something changes.)
9. Nope.
10. Still the same reward.
11. Almost there!
12. Two Card packs and 200 shekels. All that work when for 200 gold you could've just bought two card packs.

Don't worry snowflakes. If your deck sucks that hard and you don't win anything, you'll get one card pack filled with the same shitty cards you used in your arena run.

Solo Adventures

Do your decks still suck? Then we have the perfect solution for you. Solo Adventures are mini expansions that offer you thirty new cards, and only half of them are actually worth a damn. Instead of simply crafting them or getting them in card packs, you have to fight computer controlled bosses with shitty A.I. to get the cards.

Notable Cards

Card	Description	Demonstration
	A legendary that replaces your hero, giving you a weapon and a new hero ability. Can't possibly fail. (Unless your opponent has Sacrificial Pact, then you die instantly, but what are the chances of that?)
	A 7 mana 7/7 that drops 2 bomb minions that do heavy damage. Totally balanced.
	༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ EVERYONE GET IN HERE ༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽
	The worst card in the game. Even Blizzard admits it's the worst card in the game.
	Regarded as the worst legendary. A 9 mana 9/7 that replaces your hero when it dies. Sounds great in theory right? Well it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that your new hero has only 8 health and you can't control when you turn into Rag.
	Besides being shit in stats, his battlecry pretty much guarantees victory for your opponent.
	For an entire year, this card literally broke the game and Blizzard did jack shit to fix it. Instead of making turns 15 seconds like it was supposed to, when paired with other cards like Lorewalker Cho It would skip whole turns. (Fun fact: if there are multiple Nozdormus on the board, the screen is covered with so much dust that you can't see anything.)

Bonus

One has to wonder, what if all of Encyclopedia Dramatica was a game of Hearthstone?

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See Also

• Blizzard Entertainment
• World of Warcraft
• Diablo 3
• Starcraft
• Totalbiscuit - Played it religiously during his time in chemo.

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