Cookies: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 22:44, 6 March 2013

Cookies are sweet, delicious treats. Although not as beloved as cakes, the main advantage of cookies is that there can be five in a package. Cookies are baked with sugar, flower, and love (^__^). Cookies are the most sought-after objects of the Internets. Whenever cookies are mentioned, one can expect the Cookie Monster, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or even Dexter to make an appearance.

Varieties

Browser cookies

Not all cookies have to be neat, tasty treats; they can be tiny, weightless bits of data as well. HTTP cookies, or browser cookies, are tracking bugs that infest your computer's browser and cache. Websites may use them to see if you visit their site or track unique visits. Websites may also use cookies for authentication, tracking your session, or keeping you logged in to a site for weeks.

Most sites need cookies to be enabled in order to function, especially if you're planning to log in. Unfortunately, most users manage their cookies or their cache. These people, for one reason or another, don't know how to enable or disable cookies. These people never touch their browser's Preferences or Options unless they're planning to do something wrong. They don't even know how to clear their cache or browsing history.

Although cookies could be used to spy and annoy you, cookies are not that harmful. Despite this, people disable cookies anyway and forget how to re-enable them. Cookies aren't viruses. They can destroy your privacy, but they can't destroy software or your computer. Simply keep them enabled and start clearing your cache every once in a while.

Browser Cookies
Would they know?
You better learn how to clear them.
The Internet is the world's largest cookie exporter.

Fortune cookies

Fortune cookies are mystic treats that supposedly contain answers to your future. These fortunes are less cryptic than those created by Nostradamus, but they're also less likely to ever happen. They were created by Asian Americans in order to profit from ramen-eating weeaboos who seek "authentic" Asian cuisine. Fortune cookies also tend to contain the supposed winning numbers to the lottery. Recently, however, fortune cookies began to stop offering fortune and to provide advice and ancient Chinese proverbs instead.

Protip: Point out to weeaboos that fortune cookies were invented in Texas.

Fortune Cookies
Did you really need a cookie to tell you this?
You've been had.
Sometimes, they give out good advice.

Cookie lovers

Cookie Monster

	“	"C" is for "cookie"; that's good enough for me.	„
	—Cookie Monster

	“	Cookies are a sometimes food.	„
	—Cookie Monster in denial

Cookie Monster has generally been viewed as a lovable, huggable creature. Cookie Monster is so named due to his fierce and beastly love for cookies and all things sweet. He's been on Sesame Street since Day 1, and for most of that time, there wasn't any complaining. Cookie Monster introduced several generations to humor and created the "C" is for Cookie song.

Recently, however, things changed. Over 60% of Americans were fat and sloppy. Concerned, Christian mothers began to look for a scapegoat. Someone or something had to be responsible, but it couldn't be themselves. It had to been some evil, foreign influence. It had to be from TV or video games; it couldn't be from enablers such as themselves. These parents blamed Cookie Monster and flooded Sesames Street's human resources department with complaints.

In response, the Sesame Street executives forced Cookie Monster to cut down on cookies. Cookies became a "sometimes food"; now, he eats fruits first. Sesame fanbois then attacked the Sesame Street executives for turning him into a so-called Veggie Monster. Cookie Monster denies these claims and claims that he would eat (almost) anything.

Cookie Monster
Oh exploitable!
Cookies can led to pretty nasty habits.
Cookie Monster is a poor role-model.
Cookies can led to distress and heartache.
Delete Cookie!?
Oh exploitable!
Cookie Monster in pain English.
Cookies are an all-the-time food.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Moar info: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

	“	Put that cookie down! Nao!	„
	—Arnold Schwarzenegger

After doing memorable movies such as Predator and Terminator, Arnold decided to change his image by doing family comedies and Japanese commercials. This led to box office bombs and Internet wins such as Kindergarten Cop and Jingle All the Way.

During the film, Arnold (portraying a loser named "Howard" phones home in order to talk to his wife, but an asshole called "Ted" answers instead. Ted eats some cookies baked by Arnold's waifu and tells Arnold about how good they are. Arnold then yells:

Cookies? Who told you you could eat my cookies? Put that cookie down. NOW!

This was all before the Internets of course, but once the users rediscovered the film, parodies appeared everywhere (specifically YouTube).

InvaderMar

Moar info: InvaderMar.

	“	OMG IT TASTES SO GOOD HOW DOES A COOKIE TASTE LIKE SOMEONE'S ORGASM???	„
	—InvaderMar, (sauce)

InvaderMar is a DeviantArtist who really, really loves cookies. In fact, cookies are often featured in her artwork. Her obsession with cookies appears to be influenced in part by cookies' awesome sweet taste.

InvaderMar
I can still taste it on his lips...
What has cookies done!?
She loves cookies.
Cookies can prove to be a distraction in a relationship.
You know you want me.
New Years Resolutions.
Feels so good.

Cookie haters

Dexter's Lab

	“	Dexter's a cookie.	„
	—Robo-parrot

Dexter's Lab was a comedic cartoon created and produced by Russian Jew Genndy Tartakovsky and shown on Cartoon Network. This show featured a boy genius called Dexter and his childish sister Dee-Dee. In a particular episode called "The Parrot Trap", Dexter creates a parrot that mimics anything it hears. Due to interference from Dee-Dee, the parrot annoys Dexter, and Dexter bashes it up. This leads to the parrot going haywire and saying things such as "DEXTER'S A COOKIE", "DEXTER'S A STUPID GIRL", "SMOOTH MOVE DEXTER", "DEXTER'S SECRET", "THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES", and "WORMS AND PLASTIC MINNOWS". This is often parodied and remixed in YouTube videos.