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Joel Osteen: Difference between revisions
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[[File:FlyingOsteen.png|thumb|Give money to [[Jesus]] and you can fly if you jump off the [[World Trade Center]]!]] | [[File:FlyingOsteen.png|thumb|Give money to [[Jesus]] and you can fly if you jump off the [[World Trade Center]]!]] | ||
'''Joel Scott Osteen''' (formerly known as '''[[Jerry Seinfeld]]''') is a [[Anita Sarkeesian|professional con-artist]] and [[Redundant|televangelist]] whose face is always adorned with his trademarked [[Cockmongler|shitfaced grin]]. Osteen, like all televangefags, promises that [[Kill yourself|your pathetic, worthless life]] will improve if you give [[Jewgold|lots and lots of money]] to '''[[Muhammad|JEEEEESUS]]'''! PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH! | '''Joel Scott Osteen'''{{Christian}} (formerly known as '''[[Jerry Seinfeld]]''') is a [[Anita Sarkeesian|professional con-artist]] and [[Redundant|televangelist]] whose face is always adorned with his trademarked [[Cockmongler|shitfaced grin]]. Osteen, like all televangefags, promises that [[Kill yourself|your pathetic, worthless life]] will improve if you give [[Jewgold|lots and lots of money]] to '''[[Muhammad|JEEEEESUS]]'''! PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH! | ||
As Hurricane Harvey [[raped|ravaged]] [[Texas]] in mid-[[2017]], Joel decided to help in the rescue and recovery efforts by offering prayers to all who were affected by the disaster. Unfortunately for Joel, [[Jews|people]] are [[greedy]] and the [[Cunts|fine residents]] of [[Twatter]]ville quickly began bitching about the fact that Joel was handing out free prayers when he could be housing up to 16,000 [[Refugees|displaced flood victims]] in his [[Cock|massive Houston Mega Church]]. | As Hurricane Harvey [[raped|ravaged]] [[Texas]] in mid-[[2017]], Joel decided to help in the rescue and recovery efforts by offering prayers to all who were affected by the disaster. Unfortunately for Joel, [[Jews|people]] are [[greedy]] and the [[Cunts|fine residents]] of [[Twatter]]ville quickly began bitching about the fact that Joel was handing out free prayers when he could be housing up to 16,000 [[Refugees|displaced flood victims]] in his [[Cock|massive Houston Mega Church]]. | ||
Latest revision as of 21:41, 22 August 2024
Joel Scott Osteen† (formerly known as Jerry Seinfeld) is a professional con-artist and televangelist whose face is always adorned with his trademarked shitfaced grin. Osteen, like all televangefags, promises that your pathetic, worthless life will improve if you give lots and lots of money to JEEEEESUS! PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH!
As Hurricane Harvey ravaged Texas in mid-2017, Joel decided to help in the rescue and recovery efforts by offering prayers to all who were affected by the disaster. Unfortunately for Joel, people are greedy and the fine residents of Twatterville quickly began bitching about the fact that Joel was handing out free prayers when he could be housing up to 16,000 displaced flood victims in his massive Houston Mega Church.
Osteen quickly refuted the Twitterers' accusations by stating that his church was not open because it was underwater – but this was quickly disproven by savvy internet sleuths who visited the church and proved that it was dryer than J.K. Rowling's vagina. The internet then learned a valuable lesson that even Christian televangelists can lie, and trusting anyone will result in you getting raped, drowned or both.
Videos
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See Also
| Joel Osteen is part of a series on Obscure Religions  |
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