Elite: Dangerous

This article needs moar lulz, pics & vids. You can help by adding moar lulz, pics & vids.

Elite: Dangerous, also known as Euro Truck Simulator 3300 is a space trucking game that was crowdfunded by a bunch of 40-year old men as the fourth installment in a series generally nobody remembers, unless you were born prior to to 1980. Elite: Dangerous is notable among game for having a fully explorable, one to one scale map of the galaxy which is actually pretty fucking impressive, however this came with the fact that the game, despite being several years old now, is locked into a constant development cycle for new content because of just how goddamn bland it's core gameplay is. The basic premise of E:D is you start flat out broke with a piece of shit ship and have to grind, and like seriously FUCKING GRIND, to even get to a slightly better piece of shit, all while attempting to avoid a shitload of near death situations stemming from the game's steep learning curve. A joystick is practically necessary to play E:D because of how shit the default keyboard and mouse controls are, so if you really want to get into this game, expect to spend several hundred dollars on accessories.

Gameplay

E:D's gameplay is something guaranteed to make at least 75% of all new players rage quit within their first 30 minutes of even attempting to do anything. Of course joystick and VR users have a distinct leg up on keyboard and mouse users because the game does such a fantastic job of immersion that any takeaway from it is basically a death sentence. After you play the tutorial which let's face it, none of you will, you're given four different options to play. The first is Open Play which basically translates to complete and utter clusterfuck as it throws you into a seriously volatile mix of real people who range from being actually generally helpful to complete jackasses who will gun you down on sight. The second is Solo Play which basically acts as a security blanket for players for a too much of a candy ass to handle getting raped by Fer-de-Lance pilots every 15 minutes, but will likewise get raped by NPCs. Thirdly is creating a Private Group so groups of pussies can go and die together without other human intervention. Lastly of there's Arena which basically nobody plays, like seriously, you won't find a match.

Ships

E:D has a large multitude of ships you can buy although you'll probably quit before you can even come close to buying something remotely worthwhile. Ships can range from being either completely fucking useless, to being completely overpowered in all aspects.

Small Ships

• Sidewinder: This is what everyone starts with and will likely stay with dozens of hours into the game. It's slow, absolutely defenseless, and can't carry a rats ass worth of cargo. Noob Sidewinders are basically like shooting fish in a barrel to griefers who hang around the starter systems.
• Eagle: This is ship you'll end up buying if you're dumb enough not to save your money for something actually good. While it's more agile and better offensively than the Sidewinder, it's hull armor is the weakest in the entire game so if the shield drops it's basically like taking an AK-47 to a paper airplane.
• Hauler: Sidewinder graduates who basically want to shout "I'm even more defenseless now!". It has only one shitty ass small gun on it for defense. That's it. The only benefit the Hauler has is that it has the best jump range of all the sub 200,000 Cr ships, so at least it's worth something.
• Adder: This is basically the Hauler's less autistic brother. It trades a bit of armor and jump range for better overall stats. For players who are still broke as shit and want something actually useful across the board, the Adder isn't a horrible choice.
• Imperial Eagle: This basically a version of the Eagle nobody asked for. Basically if you wanted a higher top speed and just a hair more armor and shielding than the regular Eagle but don't give a shit about handling as well as a Sidewinder, then knock yourself out! You're still going to die as fast anyways.
• Viper MKIII: This is the first ship that's actually worth saving up for if you enjoy combat. One of the fastest ships in the game and can outfit a decent sum of firepower that can allow it to throw punches at fuckwads of heavier weight. This all comes down to the fact that it's jump range blows and it overheats like it's got a cooling system made out of a fucking desk fan.
• Cobra MKIII: According to most E:D players, this is bar none the best all rounder ship in this class. To be honest it's hard to argue with them, the Cobra is pretty fucking good. As quick as the Viper and just as capable in terms of weaponry all while maintaining a solid jump range and cargo capacity.
• Viper MKIV: Somebody thought it was a good idea to throw a bunch of heavy ass armor onto the Viper MKIII and turn it into a lumbering fuckstick that has no reason to exist other than to confuse people.
• Diamondback Scout: A weird little ship designed for ample jump range and decent offensive capability while kind of lacking in terms of cargo capacity. Not much of a reason to buy this over the less expensive Cobra MKIII.
• Cobra MKIV: The only people who have access to this ship are people who bought the Horizons expansion before a certain date. You're not missing much, it's hardly much of an improvement over the regular Cobra in most aspects.
• Dolphin: Specialized passenger ships are kind of pointless and the only reason to buy one is to fit luxury class cabins in them, which isn't always more profitable than just ferrying a shitload of poor scum. That being said, the Dolphin can make do as a decent hauling ship considering it's good jump range and ample cargo capacity. It's not exactly cheap for noobs though.
• Diamondback Explorer: A much less pointless version of the Diamondback Scout, packing a fuckload more firepower and jump range making this a pretty solid all rounder. There's literally no reason to buy the Scout over the Explorer, unless of course you're broke as shit. As usual.
• Imperial Courier: The Courier might as well be considered to be posh version of the Viper for fags who want to brag about their low Imperial rank. It has a few benefits such as better shielding and less rampant power draw issues, it's not exactly a huge justification to grind out out rank for one ship. The only people who regularly fly Couriers are autistic.
• Vulture: This is simply a fighter chassis with two of the biggest fucking guns they could fit onto it. The Vulture has enough firepower and shielding to take on more cash strapped faggots in larger ships but has the oh so wonderful problem of having some of the shittiest power draw issues of all the ships in the game.

Medium Ships

• Type-6 Transporter: The ship for people who basically have decided they want to shuttle cargo for a living. Anything beyond being able to move a large amount of freight long distances, the Type-6 pretty well sucks at.
• Keelback: Take the Type-6, make it less useful for what it was built for, and add a couple more guns on it. The only draw this ship has for most people is the fact it's the cheapest ship that can deploy a fighter thus allowing it to effectively troll attackers while doing things like mining. It's an awkward ship for awkward people.
• Asp Scout: Okay, for any fuckwads who hadn't realized, the vast majority of ships in this game as named after snakes. It's pronounced "Assp" not "A.S.P", you uncultured swine. That being said, this thing is basically worse in every aspect compared to the Asp Explorer. Nothing to see here.
• Asp Explorer: The Asp line basically mirrors the Diamondback in that for it's one shitty model, there's one that's actually useful. The Asp Explorer packs more firepower and cargo space but the main reason why their ship gets so much acclaim is that it can be turned into a jump range whore, thus becoming the ship of choice for many explorers, and the subject of many uncreative screenshots.
• Federal Dropship: The Dropship is the first Federation exclusive ship you can buy if spreading space democracy is your thing. It's basically a giant flying clothes iron with guns and handles about the same way too. Expect to be harassed by NPC Dropships fairly often.
• Federal Assault Ship: A variant of the Dropship that sacrifices practicality in favor of handling less shit. The FAS isn't all that commonly used by real players since it's a slight pain in the ass to unlock and it fills a mainly niche role. In other words, who gives a shit.
• Federal Gunship: Another fucking Dropship variant? Were the staff at Frontier too busy fondling each others balls to come up with something more original than what's basically an even heavier Dropship that takes a lifetime to unlock? Fuck off.
• Fer-de-Lance: This is quintessential ship for tryhards in E:D. Even though it's hampered by it's god awful jump range, the FDL can lay waste to ships twice it's size with it's absurd firepower. Engineered FDLs are commonly found in the hands of late-game no lifes who continuously bounty hunt or grief because they have nothing better to do.
• Python: This thing barely falls into medium category as it's actually pretty fucking huge. The Python can almost be seen as smaller, less capable Anaconda or a really massive Cobra MKIII. It can handle a whole bunch of shit but it's usually the line people cross for when they're too impatient to save for one of the bigger ships.

Large Ships

• Type-7 Transporter: This is basically a bigger, more retarded brother of the Type-6. It can haul more cargo and pack a sizable jump range but beyond that, it's a slow ass, barely armed flying brick making it easy prey for literally anything else.
• Imperial Clipper: Consider this to be a Python for Imperial jackasses. Despite handling significantly better, it's unnecessarily bigger, packs unusually weak shields for it's size, and has god awful weapon placement. This is one of those oddball ships that are only as good as the pilot can gear it for certain things.
• Orca: A passenger liner. Whoop-dee fucking-doo. Good jump range... and... uhhhhh... yeah...
• Type-9 Heavy: This thing is basically the equivalent of strapping rocket engines to a big ass boulder and seeing how well it flies. It's moves a lot of tonnage of course but it's by far the worst handling ship in the entire game along with the Cutter. Type-9s are relatively easy to prey on as you can simply sit in their massive blind spots and unload your weapons into them as they attempt to flee.
• Beluga Liner: It's bigger! How many advantages does it hold over other large ships? Practically nothing! All the Beluga is good for is taking up a shitload of space when you don't want it to and they are commonly found clogging up starports, getting in everyone's way, and getting stuck in the airlock because of how obese they are. Actually, come to think about it... it's like a flying SJW.
• Type-10 Defender: How about this one guys? Maybe we can make the Type-9 good? More guns! More weight! This thing is fucking dumb and ugly.
• Anaconda: This is the ship most rookie pilots jack off to the thought of owning at some point in the future but never do because how punishing the grind is. If by some chance you can finally afford one you realize that individually upgrading every part of it will run you hundreds of millions more on top of the ship's cost. It is awfully useful though. Like really useful. Keep dreaming noobs.
• Federal Corvette: This the reward if by some chance you're the kind of person that hates themselves so much that you'll be willing to grind through hours upon hours of Federal ranks to get this fucking thing. It's a colossal piece of shit at first, but with enough money poured into it, it's basically the E:D universe equivalent of a fucking AC-130. Prepare your anus if you ever have to fight one.
• Imperial Cutter: What smug ass Imperials like to brag about owning even though it's basically the biggest fat lard of a ship in the whole game. Like the Anaconda, it's capable of a multitude of things but you'll spend more time trying to correct it's fucking awful handling than you will flying it. Cutters pack the most powerful shields in the game purely because they take 10 years to perform any maneuver.

Ship Launched Fighters

• F63 Condor: The bog standard SLF you're probably going to see most often. It's a decent balance of maneuverability and armor but then again, one you take the shields down on any fighter it's like shooting paper mache.
• GU-97 Imperial Fighter:Weaker armor than the other two fighters but more maneuverable. This helps make the fixed beam laser model particularly overpowered as this thing can run circles around most ships, heating them up. Fuck this thing.
• Taipan: The heaviest armor of the fighters but obviously the least maneuverable. These things die so fast anyways that you might as well run the GU-97.

How To Troll E:D Players

• Tell them to visit Hutton Orbital for a free *insert something of value* here.
• If their screenshot features an Asp, berate them for being an unoriginal retard.
• Repeatedly insist that Marco Qwent is the best engineer in the game bar none.
• Murder Sidewinders in Eravate, Eranin, or LHS 3774. Bonus points if you also use a Sidewinder.
• Say that you only sided with Aisling Duval because of her "personality".
• Sell Thargoid Sensors to popular stations in order to shut them down. More effective in groups.
• Mention that Denton Patreus is a piece of shit.
• Remind any player bragging about their asset value/buying an expensive ship/reaching an Elite rank that they have no life.
• Say that traveling to Beagle Point is stupid because there's nothing to see there. (There really isn't.)
• Use a powerful ship and starve noobs for bounties at Nav Beacons and RES Sites.
• Tell Imperial ship pilots their ship looks like fucking garbage.
• Insist that Star Citizen is the better game.
• Use a big ship and wait for smaller ships to enter the starport airlock. Hit your boost and ram them at full speed.
• Remind Corvette pilots just how shitty their jump range is.
• Kill other griefers. Watch them rage. Indulge in the lulz.

See also

• 1337
• Space

Elite: Dangerous is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.