American Idol: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 13:42, 26 January 2019

American Idol (Also known as Gay People Holding A Microphone, That Show That Fucking Sucks, and What Is This Shit?) is a reality game show/singing competition that gives homosexuals a chance to become America's next singing sensation.

The votes are in for Sanjaya, one of America's androgynous young lads...

	“	He tastes like you - only sweeter.	„
	—Pete "Penis" Wentz, on Adam Lambert's glittery cum

While many top e-psychologists have ruled the internet to be the most serious of businesses, many argue that American Idol is the most professional, serious of serial businesses to ever exist on Muhammad's great, purple Earth. The professionalism of this serious business is evident in the fact that it's always number one in ratings every single year. While you might think this means American Idol to be a good show, it is really just Star Search with everyone singing nigger music. It's hundreds of pop star/country singer/rock star rejects clambering to win a cream-of-the-crap contest. Every contestant ever to win this show has gone on to release a shitty, uninspired album consisting of pure pop culture pablum, guaranteed to be as inoffensive as they are profitable.

If you know a friend who actually buys these albums, and loves everything American Idol related, please do the world a favor and shoot that friend in the face, as these people are a common cause of cancer. There's 30 million of these people, so there's a lot of work to be done. The only reason So You Think You Can Dance is on TV at all is because it's from the creators of this crap.

Format of the Show

~~Antonella Barba pisses her way to the top of *Idol*.~~ PWNED on the final top-twelve cut.

For about the first month or so in the series, Idol is actually worth watching, since here they show lulz that would be regarded as some of the lulziest hours on television. Basically, unique people who can't sing come in and (over)act, because they're attention whores and think anyone but themselves will care that they went on TV, and sacrificed whatever dignity and self respect they ever had. Most people do it for the lulz. Interestingly enough, the people who are shown during the audition round possess a wider range of suckitude than the people who are actually good, who themselves possess a range of being a quality singer. To put that in normal people terms, everyone who gets through sounds the fucking same.

After a bunch of losers are picked, the show moves onto Hollywood Week, where the contestants go through many yawn inducing reality show antics such as writing their own terrible songs and pairing up in threesomes. To noone's disappointment, no sex ever occurs in these threesomes. Although much relief was felt when everyone found out Ruben black person wouldn't be taking off his clothes. Ever. No one wants to see that fat blob of chocolate pudding rolling around on the ground, burying his gelatinous head into Kelly Clarkson's vagoo.

A Typical Negress Band Entry

(The black person sluts walk in/=.)

Simon: So, what are your names?

Sluts: Ah, this is Sheneequa, this is Latifa, this is Sharonda, (etc).

Simon: Ok, and what are you going to sing?

Sluts: We gunna sing (Insert dramatic/slightly romantic song name here) by Destiny's Child.

Slut 1: Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah, no, no, yeah

Slut 2: WHOAWHOABABYNONOBABYWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOANONONONONONOBABYBABYBABY

Slut 3: Whooa-ooh, yeah, yeah whooa-ooh, yeah

Simon: Ok, stop.

Sluts: Ah yea was it good?

Simon: No, it was absolute crap.

Sluts: AH YEA U CAN'T SING DON'T DIS A'AR TALENT U GO TRY SING DEN LISTEN TO DIS U STILL DON'T WANNA LET DIS THRU

Slut 1: NONONONONONBABYABYABYANONONOABYBAYBYABYBAYBANAONAONAYBAYBAYBAANAN

NOTE: All three sluts try to get a pity pass to Hollywood, claiming those were the noises they made as they got raeped.

(Eventually, Simon has to call security to remove the sluts.)

Reject Lulz moments

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American Idol is a Corporate Whore

When American Idol isn't pimping people who are carbon copies of the last million pop singers to pollute this earth, it's strutting around downwind with no panties and a skimpy mini skirt and opening itself to rape. Although it would technically be consensual, since American Idol loves money like Simon Cowell loves rim jobs. On a weekly basis, the show is lovingly assfucked by Cingular, Coca-Cola, Ryan Seacrest's hundreds of various hair products, bad taste, and Ford. Hell, half the show is devoted to promoting these shit companies.*

*Not true. Advertising and product placement on Idol are only 46% of the show's time. That means there's 54% of pure entertainment!

Kelly Clarkson adopts (? lol) to the new scene.

The Judges

Jennifer Lopez (2011-2012)

	“	I had to leave American Idol when the producers refused to get me a judge chair that would properly fit my ass.	„
	—Jennifer Lopez, on the burdens of dat ass

Finally American Idol got a decent pair of jugs to become a judge on the show when they announced that Jennifer Lopez would be a new judge for the tenth season. Best known for her fat ass, Lopez began her music career in 1986. The bitch is kind of old, but is still extremely fuckable. During the tenth season, you could see Lopez in pain from the small judges chairs that were not big enough to support her mammoth booty, and her pain only got worse during the eleventh season when the producers still refused to get her a big enough chair. It's rumored she developed an opiate addiction as a result of this quite literal butthurt.

After the eleventh season, Lopez announced that she was going to take her ass elsewhere.

Kara DioGuardi (2009 - 1010)

	“	Paula was jealous of me because I was Simon's new bottom bitch.	„
	—Kara DioGuardi, being a slut

Kara DioGuardi was new judge introduced in the eighth season in order to make up for the fact that American Idol's only female judge at the time was a pill popping alcoholic who is either nursing a hangover or is in the process of getting one. Unsurprisingly, DioGuardi has an IQ of 23, which is higher than the rest of the other judges' IQs, especially Abdul's being -54. She likes to believe that she is a good singer herself, the truth is that no one bought her shitty ass songs since she started her career. Just like the other judges, she really did not know what the fuck to do on the show, and she never contributed anything useful.

Randy Jackson

	“	Someone once asked me why I haven't stopped judging American Idol yet, and I told them that it's either doing this or being on welfare.	„
	—Randy Jackson, being black

Also known as the black guy that no one cares about. Stereotypical useless Nigglet who raffles off overused Niggarian slang, such as "Yo dog!", and "That was aiight man!". He's almost as equally useless as Paula. For a great drinking game, take a shot of Tequila (or eat a chicken wing, Randy's favorite food) every time Randy calls someone pitchy. The game would apply to every time he says "Yo", if it weren't for the fact that you would be given alcohol poisoning/diabetes from this.

Simon Cowell

	“	Could we please find a winner who is worth a damn?	„
	—Simon Cowell, three weeks prior to leaving American Idol to be on that equally shitty show, The X-Factor

Semen Cumwell (moar liek cumbucket, amirite?) is one whiny individual; being in the business so long you wouldn't expect him to get so butthurt after every bad performance. Even considering that, he is the most mentally capable person of the three judges, actually giving helpful comments to the contestants. Because American Idol's fanbase is so mind fuckingly retarded, they boo every single thing that comes out of Simon's mouth, because criticism is BAD and WRONG !!!!1111one It doesn't really matter though, since Simon actually made the show. Because of this fact, Simon is not entitled to life, though the possibility exists that he might have created the show just so sentient life can enjoy the lulz delivered by his constant verbal pwnage of the contestants. It will be an especially lulzworthy moment when Simon meets Snapesnogger, even though he will be torn apart by her fans.

Some contestants argue that Simon should not be on the show due to being English, even though they miss the point that Randy is a nigger from god knows where and Paula is an offspring of a Arab and a Canadian Jew, therefore making Simon more ideally American than the other judges.

Some info has led to the conclusion that he is actually the evil king of the beavers, as you can clearly see:

Paula Abdul^✡

Although she has constantly denied it, it's baldly evident that Paula Abdul carries about a gallon of hooch in her bra at a time (got to do something to make up for all that missing merchandise!), sneaking drinks from them about every half second. Because of this, Paula always acts drunk when she's on American Idol. She can deny that she's an alcoholic all she wants, but there's no way in hell she wasn't on something when she decided to hit this. It would be a mistake to ask Paula what she was thinking, since this would imply that Ms. Abdul actually forms thoughts in that Captain-Morgan's-soaked little brain of hers. As for her skills as a judge, she never has anything useful to say. Evar.

"You know what? This is hard!"

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

How about a whole load of you...

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UPDATE: A day that will live in infamy - As of August 5th 2009, Paula will no longer be hosting.] :(

Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen will combine her great success in the music industry with her biting wit to zing American Idol's performers, for the edification of middle America. That is, if she can get her face out of Portia de Rossi's lap for a second or two. Although to be fair, if you had access to that lap, would you?

The Hosts

Ryan Seacrest

A closet homosexual who loves to wear women's underwear and beachwear under his suits every time he goes on American Idol. He is infamous for his catchphrase "Seacrest, out", leading him to believe he's hot shit. Although whenever he tries to act chummy with the judges, they treat him like a big ugly dog with warts on its eyes and shun him. He once had an extremely faggy live talk show on FOX, but it got cancelled, much to the dismay of his 10 fans. Probably because FOX is poor as shit and couldn't afford Seacrest giving away so much free crap. He should be hit in the face with a tire iron and thrown screaming from a top the tallest nearby skyscraper.

It has been confirmed by former underage female AI contestants, that Simon Cowell forced them to perform sexual favors for him in turn for teh win.

Bryan Dunkleman

Oh hell, who even cares about this faggot.

"Real Talent"

In Texas, there arose such a man that all were in awe. But he was a humble man, insisting that it was Simon Cowell's glowing man-spunk that gave him an incredible voice. This man was the silver-clad, Renaldo Lapuz.

Vote for the Worst

"OH GOD! **MAKE IT STOP!**"; *Ashley Ferl*, The Crying Girl

During the third season of American Idol, a community called Vote for the Worst formed in the deepest bowels of the internet. Basically, a bunch of people banded together to vote for the worst contestant on the show, to purposely piss off the producers and make AI fans butthurt and angry. This community alone has made the latest season, season six, highly watchable since instead of just a few people sucking, everyone sucks. They are Internet Nazis, as 3 or more posts per day on the VFTW forum qualifies an instaban. Currently, the Nazis are pooling ~~support for Jason "Stoner" Castro.~~ Now that they failed miserably in keeping one faggot, now they pool their support for David "Gaspy" Archuleta. ~~So far, they are succeeding.~~ They fail in the end. Many lulz were had at this as all the fangirls cried.

Sandjob

But no one sucked quite like Sanjaya "Sandjob" Malakar. For several weeks during the finals in 2007, Sanjaya was hulaing his way though the top 12. In the process, he had successfully pissed off everyone involved with American Idol. He even made a little girl cry with his shrieking. Simon has even gone so far as to say he'd quit American Idol if Sanjaya wins. (This statement makes one thing very clear: Sanjaya must win American Idol. Except he didn't. Karma finally caught up with his candy-ass faggotry]].) He also has a sister with quite the set of jugs. She originally made it to Hollywood Week, but got cut near the end, most likely due to Simon's hatred of the breasts. The /i/nsurgency was to answer to the call of Anonymous and see through to the victory of Sandjob, but they also got fucking owned.

Idol Winners

American Idol winners follow a formula -- every last one of them was an insipid, talentless, sell-out bitch who dropped out of school to be on the show, can't sing for shit, and fucked the judges to win even though the season was staged so they could win. They then pull an album out of their ass that will inevitably flop leaving them with no option but to sing in the Lion King in Las Vegas or gay bars in West Hollywood. Of course, anyone who tells them that they suck mad ballz is just a "jealous dumbass" Carrie Underwood is the only exception to this rule, mostly just because she's fuckin hot, unlike that corpulent oompa loompa Kelly Clarkson or Ms. Ghetto Fabulous Fantasia. Any actual talent on her part is negligible at best, since vaginas are really only good for one thing.

The formula was changed in Season 6, and each time since then the winner has been a "White Guy with Guitar". Thanks to quality influences and preteen Loli voting for whoever made them moist. This trend eventually led to Idol's production company announcing the show would be "retooled" and the voting process would be "changed" (see: rigged).

The idols actually take longer to tour than legit musicians, because after they shit out their album, they instantly begin doing months of nothing but commercial jingles and the same putrid Disney load of shit commercial where it shows them fucking up "When you Wish Upon a Star", while they're being crowned Idol in slow motion and you can see the ghoulish, pruny smirk on their face that reminds you of Dubya when he gets away with his newest ass-rape.

The only notable Idol winner ever was Kelly Clarkson, but the only reason people didn't instantly forget who she was is because she looks like a pear shitting a pumpkin out of it's stem, which is so much lulz that people overlook the fact that she has a range of maybe half an octave. Clarkson is such a God-Awful singer that there was a point people would rather listen to William Hung than her. The rest of the Idol "winners" should go here. Though Carrie Underwood's NFL commercial where you saw her dick brought her a quick 15 seconds of fame.

Gallery

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