Joel Osteen

File:FlyingOsteen.png

Give money to Jesus and you can fly if you jump off the World Trade Center!

Joel Scott Osteen^† (formerly known as Jerry Seinfeld) is a professional con-artist and televangelist whose face is always adorned with his trademarked shitfaced grin. Osteen, like all televangefags, promises that your pathetic, worthless life will improve if you give lots and lots of money to JEEEEESUS! PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH!

As Hurricane Harvey ravaged Texas in mid-2017, Joel decided to help in the rescue and recovery efforts by offering prayers to all who were affected by the disaster. Unfortunately for Joel, people are greedy and the fine residents of Twatterville quickly began bitching about the fact that Joel was handing out free prayers when he could be housing up to 16,000 displaced flood victims in his massive Houston Mega Church.

Osteen quickly refuted the Twitterers' accusations by stating that his church was not open because it was underwater – but this was quickly disproven by savvy internet sleuths who visited the church and proved that it was dryer than J.K. Rowling's vagina. The internet then learned a valuable lesson that even Christian televangelists can lie, and trusting anyone will result in you getting raped, drowned or both.

Videos

A concerned citizen braves the flood to find Joel. Previous Video | Next Video

See Also

• Seinfeld
• Anita Sarkeesian
• Justin Trudeau

Joel Osteen is part of a series on Obscure Religions

Click topics to expand: Major Religions • Minor Religions • Trollianity • Deities • Religious Icons • Other Religions • Related Articles Links to separate templates: Christianity • Judaism • Islam • Atheism • Scientology • Cults • Portal of Truth Buddhism • Hinduism • Satanism • Wiccan & Pagan Trolldin • Lolki • Lönguncattr • NXIVM • Ragnaröfl • Martin Luther King Day • Catnarok BASEDGOD • God • Kim Il-sung • RaptorJesus • Santa • Satan Claus • Xenu • Yahweh Ted Haggard • Tom Cruise • John Travolta • Rifqa Bary Voodoo • Church of Euthanasia • Environmentalism • Objectivism • Children's Immortality Project • Jedi Church Enlightenment • Halloween • Questionable logic • Crocoduck