Enlightenment

Were you looking for the 18th Century intellectual movement? Tough shit. Try Illuminati instead.

Enlightenment unlocked

True enlightenment.

An excuse to think you are better than everyone else, Enlightenment is Everyone's highest goal. Buddha was Enlightened. Jesus was Enlightened. You should be Enlightened, too!

History

Over 9000 years ago, some Otherkin named Buddha got really high and tripped balls until he believed he was a Tiger, a Dragon, your mom and about Jew all rolled into one. He felt this made him special, and so he made some shit up about reaching Nirvana and meeting Cobain in order to siphon some groupies off the Rock-God. He then proceeded to get high, drunk and really, really fat yet still managed to get lots of ass and declared himself a god. After he died, his groupies made a religion named after him called Buddhism.

At least 100 years ago some guy named Abraham ate a cactus and played with himself. Afterwards, to save face, he claimed that he was actually wrestling with god to get the secrets of the universe from him. As people remembered how cool Buddha was for finding the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE and finding Nirvana, people though this made Abraham even more bad-ass. People started to follow Abraham leading to years of wacky adventures when his brother claimed he was the one who took down god instead!

Later on, this unloved carpenter's son named Jesus decided he needed to be special. Taking a cue from Abraham (who copied Buddha), he claimed he's god's son. This worked and he got groupies just like Buddha did, only all male, and was declared Enlightened until he got nailed to a 2x4 and died. His favorite groupie, John, went batshit insane on an island and wrote the single best-selling story of all time, writing in that his master rose from the dead and became magical and shit.

Modern-day Enlightenment

Enlightened

These days, all you need to become Enlightened is a stash of good weed, $5,000 worth of cheap crap related to your new cult, a livejournal, and some parents to leech off of. If you are too cheap for drugs, epic masturbation can lead to temporary mystical experiences.

Those that believe themselves to be enlightened hate society and would rather sit in their room and BAWWW for more money from their parents than actually get off their lazy asses and do something about it. Apparently they're too Enlightened to work! Instead of being productive society members, they write in their livejournal, draw amazing art based off their last incredible spiritual experience, and attempt to gather groupies of their own.

Some would say that all Christians are Enlightened, but this is not the case: modern-day Christians are simply brainwashed. They have shrugged off the Secret Enlightenment Rituals of their founders. They follow their Jesus with the pride of a fag at a rainbow parade and with all the brains you'd expect from a dried-up groupie of someone who has been dead for At least 100 years. None of them ever reach Enlightenment, though they love believing that kissing the ass of Jesus will save you from eternal damnation, granting you eternal life, buttsex and eventual Enlightenment.

Enlightened People

• Wiccans
• Buddhists
• Druggies
• Faggots
• Stoners
• Goths
• Goth-faggots
• Vegan
• Commie
• Vegan Commies
• Everyone on Livejournal
• ...and any combination of the above.

Enlightenment is part of a series on Obscure Religions

Click topics to expand: Major Religions • Minor Religions • Trollianity • Deities • Religious Icons • Other Religions • Related Articles Links to separate templates: Christianity • Judaism • Islam • Atheism • Scientology • Cults • Portal of Truth Buddhism • Hinduism • Satanism • Wiccan & Pagan Trolldin • Lolki • Lönguncattr • NXIVM • Ragnaröfl • Martin Luther King Day • Catnarok BASEDGOD • God • Kim Il-sung • RaptorJesus • Santa • Satan Claus • Xenu • Yahweh Ted Haggard • Tom Cruise • John Travolta • Rifqa Bary Voodoo • Church of Euthanasia • Environmentalism • Objectivism • Children's Immortality Project • Jedi Church Enlightenment • Halloween • Questionable logic • Crocoduck